by Debra Doxer
I feel my fists unclench as my arms move down around his sides to his back. I sink into him, resting my cheek on his shoulder. Lucas makes a low noise in his throat when my arms tighten, and I return his hug. I could stand here forever absorbing his warmth and strength, with the ridged muscles of his chest and stomach pressed against me. Then his fingers slowly slide up and down the length of my spine, and our embrace begins to change. I’m suddenly hyper aware of every part of me that’s in contact with him. I inhale his clean spicy scent, and I feel a tightening low in my belly. No simple embrace has ever made me feel this way. That has me once again wondering what it would be like to actually kiss Lucas. I’d probably break apart into a million pieces. I would completely lose control. This wakes me up and brings reality down on me. I force myself to pull back. I feel guilty because he really doesn’t know what he’s getting into with me.
“We’ll take things slow,” he tells me, as though reading my thoughts.
I disengage from him completely and ignore the fact that I’m already missing the feel of his arms around me.
“Trust me,” he says. His eyes travel over me like a soft caress.
I feel a small smile begin because for some reason I’m already starting to trust him.
He answers with a slow, sexy grin of his own. “So, how about that driving lesson?” he asks, redirecting the conversation, taking my silent smile as his answer.
“How about it?” I repeat, and his eyes glimmer with satisfaction. He’s just convinced me to see where our feelings take us, and he knows it.
Compared to the preshow, the driving lesson is somewhat anticlimactic. Lucas won’t let me do anything interesting like burn rubber on the turns or take the exit onto the freeway. Basically, he has me back up, parallel park, and drive like a little old lady on the narrow back roads behind the office park.
“How about if you let me drive home?” I suggest as the lesson wraps up.
He shakes his head. “Can’t. That would be illegal. Although, that fact may not deter the carjackers among us.”
“Fine.” I pout then open the door to switch seats with him.
Rather than passing me as we meet behind the truck, Lucas pulls me to him. “You did good,” he says. Then he kisses the side of my head and releases me.
When my senses return, I join him inside his truck again. The look on his face tells me he knows how his touch affects me, and he enjoys seeing me flustered.
“You want to go again on Wednesday?” he asks.
I take a breath to calm myself. Then I shake my head. It would be so easy to lose myself in him, to forget about everything else, everything I’ve worked for. As much as I’d like another lesson so soon, I need to keep my priorities in order. “I don’t know. I’m pretty behind in my classes. I really should spend some time trying to catch up.”
“It’s the end of senior year. You should be on cruise control now,” he points out.
“Until I get my college acceptance letter, I’m not taking any chances. I heard they can request transcripts up until the very last minute.”
“I already got into school. I applied early acceptance,” he says like it’s no big deal.
I’m so envious that I completely ignore his casual arrogance. “Congratulations. That must feel amazing.”
He nods. “My grades can’t completely tank now. They still want my final transcript, but I won’t lie. It’s definitely a load off.”
“So where are you going?”
“Columbia.”
I laugh at his off-hand tone. “Wow, Lucas. That’s an Ivy League school.”
He shrugs. “What about you?”
“I want to go back to California. UCLA is my first choice.”
He whistles. “That’s a good school, too. I hear you can minor in surfing there.”
“Shut up.” I laugh.
He grins at me, but it soon fades, and I wonder if he’s thinking what I am. That if our relationship actually works out, we’ll be nearly three thousand miles away from each other next year. But it’s seriously premature to let my thoughts go there. We’ll probably crash and burn long before that.
“Do you know what you want to study?” I ask.
He thinks for a minute. “I’m not really sure. Maybe journalism.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” I ask, changing the subject but not really. I want to know everything about him now.
“A younger brother, Liam,” he smiles. “He’s in sixth grade.”
His easy grin tells me how much he cares for his brother. “Is your family close then? Are your parents still together?”
Lucas doesn’t answer right away, and I hope he doesn’t think I’m interrogating him. The muscle in his jaw that tenses when he’s upset is a tight little ball. “Yes,” he finally says.
I think I’ve just stumbled onto a sore subject, but I don’t know why, and there’s no time to poke at it because soon we’re parked in front of Kyle and Chloe’s house.
“I want your number,” Lucas says. He pulls out his phone and waits while I retrieve mine since I don’t know my number by heart. We exchange numbers. Then he kisses me quickly right on my lips. “See you at school tomorrow,” he says.
His kiss startles me, and I can feel my cheeks heat as he watches for my reaction to him. A part of me wants to erase the satisfied smile I see growing on his face. He really can be unbearably arrogant.
“See you tomorrow,” I reply, before slipping out of the truck and trying to hide the juvenile blush I know I’m still wearing. My reaction to him strikes me as ridiculous. I’m nearly eighteen, and I’ve certainly been kissed before. But my god, it’s never been Lucas doing the kissing, and the slightest touch from him can’t even be compared to the clumsy groping I’ve experienced in the past.
I’ve heard the phrase walking on air before but I’ve never had the need to apply it to myself, until today. As I enter the house, I really do feel lighter and happy and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never had a real relationship before. I’ve seen too many girls in my situation try to fill emotional holes with boys and sex. I’ve also seen too many men force physical relationships onto girls like me. I’ve somehow gotten lucky, and managed to avoid both. But that makes me very inexperienced. I’m pretty sure Lucas does not suffer from that same problem.
“I got a job,” I announce at dinner.
“I thought we decided you didn’t need a job,” Kyle says.
“I need my own money.”
“What for?” Chloe asks.
I spear a piece of chicken. “For one thing, even if I do get the scholarships I’ve applied for, I’ll have expenses for school next year.”
“Raielle, as long as it’s within reason, we’re happy to pay for those things,” Kyle says. I notice Chloe’s eyes shoot over to him. I get the feeling they haven’t discussed this.
“But it’s other things, too,” I continue. “There’s the fee for a learner’s permit, and I need some new clothes. You’re doing so much for me already, I can’t ask you to pay for those things.”
“Learner’s permit?” Chloe asks.
I nod. “I’m learning to drive.”
“You don’t know how to drive?” Kyle says surprised. “What do you mean, you’re learning?”
I tense as he puts his fork down, and gives me his full attention. “Lucas, Myles’s friend, offered to teach me. We went out today for the first time.”
“Lucas Diesel?” Chloe says with raised eyebrows. “He’s a very nice-looking boy.”
I grimace at the look Kyle gives me, and wish I could sink under the table.
“Raielle, I wish you would have told me these things were worrying you. I could have taken you driving. And of course I don’t mind paying for the learner’s permit and new clothes. What do we have to do to make you trust us?” He shakes his head. “Please tell me what to do. Help me out here.” His expression is filled with disappointment.
There’s that word again, trust. I feel the weight of Kyle’
s expectations pushing down on me. I don’t know why I’m finding it easier to trust Lucas than my own brother. “There’s nothing to do,” I tell him. “It’s not you. It’s me. You were seventeen years too late finding me.” With that, I get up from the table and stalk down the stairs to my bedroom.
The guilt I feel for speaking to Kyle so harshly is all I can think about as I stare sightlessly at my homework. I finally give up and close my books when I hear him coming down the stairs. I watch as he stops in front of my bed and sits himself down on the end. “Where is your job?” he asks.
I move my books to the floor and give him my attention. “Scoops.”
“The ice cream place?”
I nod.
“When will you be working?” His question is plainly stated. I detect no judgment or censure there.
“Two days a week after school and Saturday afternoons.”
He glances down at my textbook on the carpet. “Calculus?”
“Yeah,” I sigh.
“I was always pretty good in math. I guess that’s why I’m an accountant.” He seems to consider his next words carefully before speaking. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier, about trusting us. I should know it’s not a switch you can just turn on. I know it has to be earned.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you,” I say, and I mean it. I’m disappointed in myself. I promised I would give Kyle a fair chance. That I would be more open with him, but I have no idea how to actually do that. I’m afraid I can’t be the sister he wants. I also worry I can’t be the girl Lucas wants. I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint them both.
“I guess we’re both sorry then,” he smiles. “Raielle, we’re still getting to know each other. We’ve missed a lot of time. We’re not going to make up for it in just a few weeks. But I want you to know that from what I’ve seen so far, I’m very proud of who you are.” Then he pats my leg and says, “Goodnight.”
I sit there quietly after he leaves thinking about his words. My mother told me she was proud of me sometimes, but it never meant much. She failed at so many things in her life, I didn’t think it took much to impress her. But coming from Kyle, it resonates with me, and I feel a twinge of pride at his words.
Several hours later, I’ve finished my homework, and I’m just turning out the light when my phone buzzes on the nightstand beside me. I see I have a text from Lucas.
I wanted 2b the last person u spoke to before u went 2 sleep.
I smile at my phone and text back. We’re not actually speaking, but you are the last person I’m interacting with today.
Are u always so literal?
I think so.
Good 2 know. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
I put the phone down and spend a long time replaying my afternoon with Lucas before I finally drift off to sleep.
Despite what he said about taking it slowly, Lucas does not ease me into things the next day at school. After the usual morning walk with Myles and April, I run into Gwen when we hit the schoolyard. With all of us congregated there, Lucas appears. He heads straight for me. Then he wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses the side of my head. “Morning,” he whispers into my hair, and I can feel his warm breath on my scalp just above my ear. My body temperature shoots up as he touches me, and I feel like a spotlight is shining on us. Myles and April are silently staring and Gwen could catch flies in her mouth. Everyone gathered on the front lawn seems to be noticing us.
I glance at Lucas, and I’m not surprised to see his smug face. “We’re going to be late,” I mumble and then extract myself from beneath his heavy arm and head inside. Predictably, Gwen moves in beside me.
“Oh my god. When did this happen?” she asks.
“Yesterday.”
“What exactly went down yesterday?”
I look over my shoulder to see where Lucas is. He’s still at the bottom of the steps where it appears Myles is trying to pry the same information out of him.
“Lucas gave me my first driving lesson and we talked.”
She squeezes my shoulder. “You talked? What did he say? Did he declare his undying love?”
I chuckle. “Not exactly.”
“So, what then?”
I shrug. “He admitted stuff. I admitted stuff. We decided we like each other. That’s all.”
She snorts out a laugh. “That’s the most boring thing I’ve ever heard. You suck when it comes to dishing out details. Come on. I have to live vicariously through you. You need to give me more.”
I feel myself blushing.
“I knew it!” she declares. “I knew there was something good you weren’t telling me.”
“He sent me a text last night.”
Gwen squeals. “Did he sext you? Oh my god, that’s so hot.”
I roll my eyes. “No, he just said he wanted to be last person I spoke to before I went to sleep.” I smile thinking about it again.
Gwen purses her lips. “Hmmm. So, no sexting. But still, kind of romantic. I guess I’ll take that.”
We split up to head to our lockers. I’m just closing mine when I turn around and see Chad standing there.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I repeat, trying to cover my wariness.
He runs his hand over his bald head. His intricate network of tattoos is on display today in a red tank shirt. “So, I was thinking maybe we could hang out after school,” he says.
I’m thankful to have a valid excuse. “I’m sorry I can’t. I have to work.”
He nods quickly and his eyes don’t meet mine. “Oh, okay. No problem. See you later.” Then he turns and heads down the hallway.
That was weird and fast. I’m wondering if I hurt his feelings. I’m surprised he even has any after my first encounter with him.
Lucas is just walking into English as I reach the classroom door. I stop for a moment and stare at him, hardly believing all that transpired between us yesterday. I watch as he lowers himself into his desk, folding his longs legs beneath him. Then he turns toward the door. His eyes brighten when he spots me. Butterflies take flight in my stomach, and his gaze follows me as I cross in front of him, taking the desk beside him.
“Oh, Lucas, you have to let me copy your notes from last week. I was completely brain dead on Friday.”
I glance behind him to find pixie girl standing there.
Lucas closes his eyes for a moment before turning around. “Sure, Alison,” he says, reaching for his notebook. Then she proceeds to monopolize him with inane questions about the notes until the teacher appears. I’m wondering if I should be jealous, but his obvious desire to disengage himself from her mostly amuses me.
When class ends, she’s right there, trying to talk to him again. “I’ll catch you later,” he tells her dismissively as he falls into step beside me. I notice her frowning at me.
I’m about to ask him if he ever went out with her, when he interrupts my thoughts. “I found your guy,” he says once we’re in the hallway.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Robert Jarvis. I looked him up.”
I stop to face him. “You Googled him?”
He nods. “He works at the Spring Valley Assisted Living Center.” Then he hands me a piece of notebook paper with the name written down on it.
I stare at it dumbly. “I can’t believe you took it upon yourself to do this,” I say.
He puts his fingers beneath my chin and lifts my face. “Of course I’d want to help you.”
I swallow self-consciously. “Was he easy to find?”
Lucas shrugs. “I just typed in his name and Fort Upton. Then it took a little digging. I mostly found websites talking about Isolation. There’s actually a fan site with personal information about all of them, including Jarvis. This assisted living place is right outside of town, not too far from here. Have you heard of it?”
I shake my head. “We’re not going to find any connection between him and me, are we?”
He gives
me a sympathetic half-smile. “Not if there isn’t one.”
I fold the paper and put it my bag.
“Your boyfriend just warned me to stay away from you,” Lucas states, tossing his lunch tray down onto the table with a clank.
Gwen’s eyes widen at his appearance. Tyler and Lisa stare up at him in mute surprise.
“Are you sitting with us today?” I ask even as he’s lowering himself into the empty seat beside me.
“Why?” he growls. “Are you saving this seat for your boyfriend?”
I toss my sandwich down. “Okay, I’ll bite. What are you talking about?”
He leans toward me. “Chad Bleeker just confronted me in the hallway. He said I’d better stay away from you because you’re his.”
“What?” Gwen and I both screech at the same time.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” he asks.
“Of course not,” I reply defensively.
“Then why the hell would he say that?” Lucas snaps, and the people at the tables around us turn to look.
I can feel my cheeks heating. “I have no idea. I’ve never given him any encouragement and the fact that you think I did and I’m lying to you about it is ticking me off.” I begin shoving my lunch back into my bag. Across the table, I spot Tyler and Lisa slinking away, but I’m sure Gwen is glued to her seat. She wouldn’t miss this show for anything.
Lucas sits back and sighs heavily. “I know Bleeker’s always full of shit. I’m sorry, okay?”
I ignore him and continue gathering my things.
“Raielle,” he places a hand on my arm. “He caught me off guard,” he pauses, struggling for his next sentence. “This whole thing caught me off guard.”
I glance up and realize he’s referring to more than just Chad.
“Did you say anything to him?” Gwen asks Lucas.
He runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I told him he was mistaken after I slammed him up against the wall.”
“Lucas!” I cry.
“What?” he asks, starting to tense again. “Are you going to defend him now?”
I glare at him, and he glares right back. “Gwen, could you give us a minute?” I ask in a calm voice that belies the way my blood is boiling.
