by Debra Doxer
He watches for my reaction. Since I have no idea what he’s about to say, I don’t react at all. I just wait and watch while he tries not to let his discomfort show.
“Are you...?” he begins and then stops. “Do you need…?” He stops again.
Behind me, I hear Chloe release an exaggerated breath. I swivel in my chair, startled. I hadn’t heard her come in. “What he’s trying to say is, if you’re sleeping with Lucas or with any other boy, we hope you’re being safe about it.”
I turn back to see Kyle wincing slightly. But he also appears to be relieved that it’s been said, and he didn’t have to say it. I may be lacking in experience, but I learned about sex early on, probably far earlier than most girls. My mother was never shy or discreet about it. That’s also how I learned that when sex was about something other than love, it could leave you feeling pretty empty. “I’m not having sex,” I state clearly for both of them. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“Okay. Good,” Kyle says abruptly, ready to bolt. He kisses Chloe, Penelope, and then me quickly on the cheek, completely surprising me, before leaving for work.
Once he’s gone, Chloe aims a skeptical look at me. “If you’re sleeping with Lucas, let me get you on birth control. No offense, but you really don’t need to get pregnant right now.”
I stand, not surprised, but somehow disappointed in her. “I can’t get pregnant if I’m not having sex.” I decide not to take the lunch she’s made me, and I walk outside to meet Myles.
“Everyone is talking about how you and Lucas were heroes last night,” Myles says when I join him on the sidewalk.
“I didn’t do anything. It was Lucas.”
He shakes his head at me. “I talked to him this morning. He said you were right in it with him.”
“Is that how you found out about it? From Lucas?” I’m surprised that he would call people first thing this morning to tell them.
He shakes his head. “April told me last night.”
“How did she find out?”
“Her younger brother is friends with Chris Andover. I heard he was in the car, too.”
I assume he was one of the passengers. It’s unbelievable how quickly news travels here.
Gwen is on me the minute we arrive at school. “I just heard. Why didn’t you call me?” Soon, the students, who have only stared at me since I began here, approach me for the first time and ask me for details. Even the person I think must be Chris Andover strolls right up to me like we’re best friends. “Can you believe it? I got tagged for underage drinking,” he says, laughing. “Grady’s in serious shit,” he adds, sounding shockingly unconcerned about his friend.
“I know,” April chimes in. “I heard he’s in a coma or something. Lara told me his room is right down the hall from Derek Hoffman’s. He’s that junior that was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. Just last week they were both in school and now they’re on the same floor at the hospital. Makes you appreciate what you have, doesn’t it?” she asks Myles, placing her arm around his waist.
He nods wordlessly.
I realize that this Derek must be the person who brushed against me in the stairwell.
“I heard the car was on fire when Lucas was pulling Grady out? Is that true? He’s so brave,” a girl I don’t know asks me, gripping my arm as she’s talking.
I shake my head and try to step away from her, but I bump into someone else on my other side. Too many people are touching me and trying to talk to me, it’s overwhelming and uncomfortable, and I need some space. I turn and squeeze through the people crowding in behind me. “Hey,” someone yells at me. With my head down, I keep walking toward the school entrance. I’m nearly to the door when a wall of muscle steps in front of me, and two hands land on my shoulders. “What’s the rush?” Lucas asks.
I breathe out, relieved it’s him. “We’re famous this morning.”
He nods curtly. “Looks that way.”
“I can’t believe how quickly everyone found out.”
“That’s Fort Upton for you,” he says, ushering me through the door with a hand on my lower back.
“Weirdoes,” Gwen says as she follows in behind us. “They don’t say a word to you until today. Now that they want all the dirt, they act like they’re your best friends.”
“It will settle down soon enough, and they’ll find something else to talk about,” Lucas says. Then he turns back to me. “You okay today?”
“I’m fine. You?”
His eyes hold mine as he takes a step toward me. “I’m good.” Then he reaches out and brushes my cheek with the back of his hand.
Gwen clears her throat. “So, um, yeah. I’ll see you guys later.”
I give Gwen an embarrassed wave, but Lucas doesn’t seem to notice her departure. “I want a do-over,” he says.
“A do-over?”
He nods. “For our date. This Friday night. You in?”
He’s standing so close, I feel lightheaded. “I’m in,” I reply, glad my voice sounds normal despite the giddy schoolgirl screeches of joy going on inside my head.
I’m starving once I get home. Not taking the lunch Chloe made for me out of spite was a stupid move. I stayed away from the cafeteria because I didn’t want to talk about the accident anymore. People continued to approach me all day. I did my best to ignore them and pretty soon they were eyeing me with disdain and avoiding me again just the way I like it. Lucas handled it better. He obviously wasn’t enjoying the attention but he at least provided curt answers and wasn’t overtly rude. I can’t say the same for me.
At dinner that night, Kyle makes Penelope’s day. “We’re going to Papa’s house on Friday for his birthday,” he announces.
“Yeah!” she claps. “Can I help him blow out his candles?”
“Of course,” Chloe smiles.
Penelope erupts in cheers again.
Kyle looks at me as his fork pauses in the air. “You’re invited, too, Raielle. My father really enjoyed seeing you the other night. He’d like it if you could be there.”
I swallow my lasagna. “Um, thanks, but I’ve already got plans.”
“With Lucas?” Chloe asks.
I nod.
“Bring him along,” she suggests.
I glance at Kyle for his reaction. He nods his approval.
“Come to Papa’s birthday party with us, Raielle,” Penelope says. “Pleeeeease,” she adds.
“They’re having it early for Penelope. There should be time for you two to do something on your own afterward,” Chloe suggests.
“I’ll ask him,” I finally reply. “And…thanks for inviting us.”
I call Lucas when I get back downstairs to my bedroom. “I can’t believe it,” he says when he answers. “Ms. Raielle Blackwood is calling me on the phone.”
I laugh at him. We’ve never actually spoken on the phone before. For some reason, having his voice directly in my ear feels more intimate than it should.
“This is the first time you’ve initiated a conversation with me,” he says matter-of-factly.
“It is?” I pretend not to realize this even though I know it’s true. Just calling him took a little internal pep talk.
“True story. I’m hoping it’s going to be a trend.”
I chuckle before taking a deep disappointing breath. “About Friday night,” I begin. “Kyle and Chloe want me to go with them to a birthday party for Kyle’s dad.”
After a few seconds of silence, he finally replies. “Okay,” he says in a flat voice.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to extend their invitation to him figuring he’d never want to go, but the subtle hurt tone of his voice changes my mind. “But I don’t want to cancel our plans. I’m just throwing a wrench into things. They said I could invite you, but I completely understand if you don’t want to go.”
“Do you want me to go to the birthday party with you, Raielle?” He sounds unsure.
I close my eyes and shake my head at no one. Now I’ve made him think that I do
n’t want him to go. I really am terrible at this. “Yes,” I reply. Then I hear him laughing quietly. “What?” I ask confused.
“That was really hard for you to admit, wasn’t it?”
“No,” I say, frowning at the phone. “I’m happy I can amuse you, Lucas.” He’s so annoying. Now I’m wondering if he was really upset at all. “I have to go and finish my homework now.”
“Don’t let me keep you. But feel free to call back if you start missing me,” he says, his tone teasing.
“Yeah. You should wait by the phone.”
He laughs, low and deep. “Goodnight, beautiful.”
I sigh. “Goodnight, Lucas.”
After another hour of studying, I turn off the light, lie down on my bed, and stare up at the shadows on the ceiling, my mind too occupied to slow down for sleep. I feel the nervous flutter of butterflies lingering from my conversation with Lucas. He called me beautiful tonight in that thick rich tone his voice gets when all the intensity he carries around with him is focused directly on me. I’m still having a hard time believing what’s happening between us. Back home, I easily avoided forming relationships with the people around me. They came and went. When they went, it was no big deal. But here, it’s different. I’m not sure what it is about his place, but I don’t want to push Lucas away like I normally would. I don’t want the way he makes me feel to disappear. I know it’s risky to be with him, but for once, I want to stop being cautious and start living my life. I don’t want to walk away from the people here in Fort Upton. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would miss them. That fact should be scaring the hell out of me. But it doesn’t. It feels like a tiny seed of happiness growing inside me. I could ignore it or I could do something really terrifying—I could nurture it. Maybe, I could even watch it flourish.
The plan is for Lucas to meet us at the house. He and I will follow Kyle in his truck. Alec and Linda live in Fort Upton, but after Kyle tried unsuccessfully to give me directions, we decided caravanning is the best idea.
Penelope is jumping up and down, excited that she gets to wear her new red corduroy dress with the ladybugs embroidered on it. “Do you like my dress?” she asks everyone multiple times.
I hadn’t realized this was a dressy affair, and I appear in dark jeans and a black turtleneck. Chloe assures me that I look fine. I don’t feel fine though. I feel surprisingly nervous at the thought of spending the evening with Lucas and my newfound family, none of whom I knew only a month ago. It almost feels as though I’m living someone else’s life.
The doorbell rings right on time at five o’clock. I open the door to find Lucas standing there looking so pleased and perfect, I can’t tear my eyes away from him. His rich, chestnut hair is more styled than usual, but the unruly waves stubbornly remain where the overgrown ends meet his shirt collar. He’s wearing faded jeans and a navy Henley shirt that compliments his dark blue eyes. Those same eyes are traveling over me, and they sparkle with mischief when they land on mine, drawing me in with that electricity that always buzzes between us.
“Hey,” he says in a quiet voice.
I smile at him just as Kyle appears beside me. “Hello, Lucas.”
He sobers slightly as he returns Kyle’s greeting. Chloe and Penelope emerge from behind me to say hello. After Penelope elicits a compliment on her dress from Lucas, we all head to our cars.
“Relax, Ray,” Lucas whispers as we walk toward his truck.
I take a deep breath and nod at him.
“I called Grady’s parents,” he says once we’re settled inside. “They told me he’s in a coma. I guess the rumor’s true.”
“Oh, no,” I reply, sinking into my seat, picturing the way he looked as Lucas pulled him from the car.
“He’s got some brain swelling his dad told me. They still don’t know if he’s going to be okay.”
“How did his dad sound?”
Lucas shrugs. Then he slides his hand across the seat and wraps his fingers around mine. “He sounded like you’d expect—not real good.”
I move my hand toward him across the seat so he doesn’t have to reach so far to maintain his hold on me.
“So this party is for Kyle’s dad?” he asks, after clearing his throat.
“Yeah,” I nod.
“Your mom was married to him, but you never met him before you came here?”
“No. I’d never met Kyle either.” He doesn’t seem surprised by this. So, I assume he knew, probably from Chloe.
“How are you getting along with Kyle and his family?” He squeezes my hand reassuringly. I get the feeling he believes I won’t want to answer his questions. But, to my surprise, I don’t mind.
“We’re getting along fine. Kyle’s pretty decent. For some reason, I think he really wants to be my brother.”
Luke glances at me, surprised. “Why do you put it that way?”
I look down at our clasped hands, and I realize that I feel comfortable with him, safe even. It’s so unusual for me to feel this way it takes me a moment to recognize it.
“Raielle?” he prompts when I don’t reply.
I put my wandering thoughts aside. “I don’t know,” I say. “Our mom ran out on him. She never once mentioned him to me. He doesn’t owe me anything. I wouldn’t blame him if he resented me.”
“Resent you?” he asks surprised. “You had nothing to do with any of that.”
“I know. It’s just all so screwed up. I guess it’s hard to know how we should feel or what we should be to each other.”
Kyle’s brake lights flash at us, and I see that he’s parking in front of a sprawling house set back away from the road. “This must be it,” Lucas comments, peering out the windshield at the white columned entrance and the circular driveway. The yard has a rolling front lawn filled with perfectly pruned bushes.
As we’re getting out of our cars, the front door opens, and Alec steps out. “Papa!” Penelope yells and she runs into his waiting arms. I see several cars filling the driveway, and I wonder if other guests have been invited.
When we meet at the front door, Kyle introduces Lucas to Alec and then to Linda who appears in the entryway, ushering us all inside. “We have a few friends here, too. I think you know them all, Kyle.”
We walk through a bright alcove lit by a skylight in the vaulted ceiling. The noise level rises as Linda leads us into a formal living room with a fireplace and two long beige couches that face each other. An older couple stands as we enter, and I feel Lucas grow tense beside me. I glance at him curiously, but he doesn’t acknowledge me.
I nod at each person I’m introduced to, and then I immediately forget their names as I ignore the way their eyes linger on me. I imagine there must have been lots of talk about me when word got out that I was moving here.
“We know Lucas,” says the woman. Her grey hair is clipped short, and she’s wearing thick glasses dotted with rhinestones. “How are your parents?” she asks him.
“Fine, thank you,” he responds in that cold emotionless tone he wears like armor. It’s the tone he used with me in the beginning and one I hope to never have directed at me again.
I settle beside him on a loveseat in a corner of the room and take his hand in mine. This time I’m the one reassuring him. He offers me an uneasy smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
I watch as Penelope runs around excited to be here, asking when we’ll have the birthday cake. Linda explains that she’s made a buffet dinner and tells us to go ahead and serve ourselves. “Are you okay?” I ask Lucas once everyone begins to move toward the dining room.
He nods.
“Who are those people?”
“They know my family from church,” he answers.
“It seemed like you were upset to see them.”
“Not now. Okay?” he snaps, releasing my hand and standing.
For a moment, I’m too shocked to move. But then I stand, too, propelled up by my simmering reaction to his tone. Lucas has undergone another mood transplant. I decide to put some space between u
s, and I move toward the fireplace mantle where there are several photographs displayed. I see a younger Alec standing with a gangly teenage Kyle who is holding a football. Then there’s one of Alec, Linda, and several other people standing behind Kyle who is dressed in a red cap and gown. Beside that is a photograph of Penelope hugging Alec. When my eyes go back to Kyle’s graduation picture, I look closer and gasp. I pull the framed photo down to see it better.
“What is it?” Lucas asks, moving beside me to look at the picture.
I’m staring at a smiling blonde woman standing near Kyle. “She looks just like my mother.” I turn with the picture in my hand. When I see Penelope dashing by, I stop her. “Pen, do you know who this woman is in the picture?” I point to the blonde.
She glances at it. “That’s Grams. I haven’t seen her in a long time.”
“Grams?” I repeat.
“That’s your grandmother, Raielle,” Chloe says coming up behind Penelope.
I stare at Chloe and then back down at the photograph again. “When did she die?” I ask, trying to figure out how old she is here. My mother never showed me any pictures of my grandmother.
“Go find Daddy,” Chloe tells Penelope. Penelope glances at her mother unsure. “Go on,” Chloe prods her. When Penelope runs off, Chloe turns to me. “She’s hasn’t passed on. But we don’t bring Penelope to see her anymore. She’s senile, and she doesn’t recognize Penelope. It just upsets them both.”
“She’s alive,” I whisper, and it feels like my heart just jumped up into my throat. “My mother told me both her parents died a long time ago.”
Chloe purses her lips disapprovingly.
“Where does she live?” Lucas asks.
“She’s in a nursing home.” Chloe’s eyes travel between Lucas and me. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, Raielle. We didn’t realize you thought she was dead. She wouldn’t know who you are anyway. Her mind is gone.”
