by Debra Doxer
I stare down at my hands, and I shake my head. “Do you really think my grandmother was meant for a higher purpose?”
He tugs gently on my arm, causing me to look up at him. “People abuse power all the time. That doesn’t mean the power itself is evil, just the wielder of it.”
I smile at him, so smart and reasonable in spite of all I’ve told him. “It doesn’t matter,” I say. “There’s no way to find out more. Mom is gone, and I’m not planning on talking to my grandmother again.”
I notice him studying me. “But Kyle may know something, and there’s always your father. We could try to find out more about him.”
I immediately feel resistant to that idea, and I begin to shake my head.
“Don’t you want to know more?” he asks.
“I don’t want to open a can of worms. My mother warned me away from all this for a reason.” I feel tears of frustration burning behind my eyes, and I clamp down on them. I really do not want to cry in front of him again.
“I’m sure she was trying to protect you, but she also left you in the dark. Is that where you want to stay?” His voice is so calm while my blood pressure is skyrocketing, I can’t help feeling irritated.
I turn to look out the window at the night beyond it. He’s verbalizing all the tiny, whispering thoughts that are already in my head. It’s not hard to ignore everything I don’t know about my abilities. I’ve been doing that forever. It’s harder to ignore the fact that I know virtually nothing about my father. My grandmother contradicted what my mother told me, and my mother lied about so many things. Who knows what the truth is? There is a possibility that my father is alive somewhere, and that he has these abilities and maybe some answers, too.
“Ray, I’m sorry,” he says gently. “I’m just trying to help.”
“I know.”
“You never answered my first question,” Lucas says. “What does it feel like when you heal someone?”
I turn back to him and take a deep breath as mostly inadequate words pop into my head. “It feels pretty incredible. It’s like the thrill of riding on a roller coaster and the peaceful calm of a warm breeze all wrapped into one sensation. It starts as a low vibration that fills me and then flows out of me, and I feel completely aware of everything. Then it changes into bursts of light, like fireworks going off inside me, tingling against all my nerve endings.” I shake my head, feeling silly. “It’s just so hard to describe.”
“It sounds like an orgasm,” Lucas states.
My eyes widen at him.
“I think I understand what you’re saying,” he continues. “That’s how it felt for me, too, while you were doing it, just how you described. It was amazing. I was completely connected to you, like we were sharing something intimate without actually being intimate. How can something that you’re compelled to do, that feels so incredible while you’re doing it, be a curse?”
I clear my throat. “I don’t know.” I can feel his scrutiny of me.
“You’ve had an orgasm, right?”
I bark out an awkward laugh, and I feel my cheeks catch fire. I can’t believe he just asked me that.
“You haven’t. Have you?” His voice is quiet and full of disbelief. “You’re not a virgin. Are you, Ray?”
This is too much. “That’s none of your business. Can we get moving? We’re going to miss the practice.”
“Hunh, you are,” he decides.
I turn my beet red face to him, and see that he’s not laughing at me or even smiling. He’s just staring out the windshield and shaking his head like it’s too hard for him to comprehend me. I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed. I’m not the only seventeen-year-old virgin in the world. “So what if I am,” I state defensively. “Is that a big deal or something?”
He turns his bright gaze on me, and I see nothing but tenderness and affection there. “Yes, it is kind of a big deal. But not for the reason you think.” Then he swings the truck back onto the road and drives on without saying anything further on the subject.
I’m left speechless, staring at his profile.
“This must be it.” Lucas parks behind a line of cars.
If I wasn’t already apprehensive before we arrived, our conversation on the way here has me all worked up. “We need to get in front of him before he spots me in case he tries to take off,” I say, trying to focus on the task at hand.
“Maybe you should wait in the car,” he suggests.
“What?” I gape at him. “I appreciate your coming with me, but this doesn’t really have anything to do with you. Why would I wait in the car?”
His expression hardens. “Gee, I don’t know. In case he’s dangerous or something?”
I’m about to lob a sarcastic remark back at him when I deliberately stop myself. I don’t want to argue with him anymore. “Thank you for your concern, but I’m not waiting in the car.”
“You stay close to me the entire time we’re in there,” he orders, stepping out of the truck without waiting for my response. Rather than bristling, I keep calm, understanding that his sudden gruffness stems from his concern even though I don’t appreciate him taking that tone with me.
I don’t know how the neighbors can stand the noise. From two houses down, I can already hear the vibrating bass and the sound of voices being raised over the din. As we get closer, I notice people mingling on the lawn. All the homes on this street are similar, small single-level clapboard boxes grouped close together. Lucas reaches out to take my hand as we near the door. No one notices or cares about our appearance here. It looks more like a party than a practice.
The front door is propped open, and Lucas steps inside keeping a firm grip on my hand. Immediately, I’m hit by the thick cigarette smoke that fills the hot, heavy air inside. Swimming within it are hordes of people gathered inside the small front rooms of the house. The floor hums beneath my feet with the music the band is playing. I know they’re close but I see no sign of them.
Lucas is slowly snaking us through the crowd. I notice a few familiar faces from school turn in surprise when they spot us. “Hey, man.” An unfamiliar guy claps Lucas on the shoulder as he passes us. Finally, beyond the heads of the crowd, I spot Chad. It looks like the band is playing in an enclosed porch at the back of the house. Lucas stops and leans down to put his mouth by my ear. “I’m going to move us closer. Stay behind me.”
I nod at him, the feel of his warm breath on my ear lingers as he pulls me forward.
I’m bumped and jostled, but we finally end up toward the front of the crowd. I remain hidden behind Lucas as my eyes find Rob Jarvis. The playing is loud but much lower key than it had been in the club. I’m able to really study Jarvis. His long, stringy hair is in a low ponytail and his sleeveless T-shirt reveals a tribal tattoo banded around his narrow bicep. He has a wiry, lanky build. I know it was him that I saw back home. I wish I could call Apollo and ask him what on earth he was talking to Jarvis about. But I’ve never called Apollo, and that’s how he liked it. He had a different phone with a new number every week.
“Hey, it’s the new girl.” Beside me, I notice a couple of the girls from Chad’s lunch table.
“Hi,” I smile hesitantly back at them, suspicious of their friendliness.
They glance at the people around me. “Chad said you were bringing some of your girlfriends. Where are they?” One of the girls yells to me.
“They couldn’t make it. I brought Lucas instead.”
She eyes Lucas before turning assessing eyes on me. “You don’t look like a lesbian.” She raises her voice and some of her spit shoots out in my direction, just missing my face.
In front of me, Lucas starts coughing. Great. He definitely heard that.
The girl turns back toward the band as they finish their set and the crowd roars their approval.
“Come on.” Lucas wastes no time, moving us through the remaining people on the porch and placing us directly in front of Jarvis who is bending down to unplug his bass. I notice how new and perfect hi
s instrument is compared to the beat-up ones Chad and the others are using. When he stands, Jarvis glances at me casually, and then he zeros in on my face again before clearing his obvious shock.
“We’d like to talk to you,” Lucas says. He and Jarvis are about the same height and Lucas moves forward when Jarvis takes a step back.
“I can sign stuff for you after I break down my gear,” Jarvis mumbles, concentrating on wrapping wires and moving equipment.
A smiling Chad appears beside me. “Where are your friends?” He has a beer in his hand and his bloodshot eyes tell me it’s not his first.
I glance at Jarvis who seems to be the only member of the band so concerned about getting his gear packed away. “They couldn’t make it. Lucas came with me.”
Chad glances behind me. “Watch out for that one,” he warns. “He’s got a temper. Have you told him you prefer girls?”
I decide to play along. “No. Do you think I should?”
He nods. “Definitely. He needs to be taken down a peg.” Then a tall blonde ambushes Chad from behind, wrapping her arms around him. “Hey, baby,” he croons to her.
She sticks her tongue in his ear. “Let’s go find a bedroom.”
With that, I’m forgotten. Chad turns and leads her away.
Lucas is growing angry as he stands guard over Jarvis with his arms crossed. “If this is going to take a while, we can talk to you here,” he says in an unnecessarily loud tone.
Jarvis straightens and releases out an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. Let’s go outside.”
He turns and heads for the back of the porch. Lucas is right behind him as Jarvis pushes through a door and disappears into the darkness.
I’m afraid he’s going to try to run, but when I get outside, I see him standing calmly in the grass, watching our approach. We stop in front of him and Lucas turns to me, waiting for me to say something. I don’t hesitate. I’ve wanted to talk to him for too long. “Do you know who I am?” I ask.
His eyes travel down my body. “Should I?” he responds with a lascivious grin.
I can feel Lucas tense beside me, and I decide to get to the point. “Look, I saw you in San Diego back when I lived there with my mom. I saw you talking to Apollo one day in front of our building. I also know you work as a janitor at the nursing home where my grandmother lives. There is no way that’s all coincidence. I don’t want to get you in trouble or anything, but I would really like to know what you were doing in San Diego.”
Jarvis glances between Lucas and me. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Dude, your girlfriend isn’t playing with a full deck.”
Lucas gets in his face. “We know you were there. We just want to know why. So cut the bullshit.”
Jarvis scowls and pushes Lucas away from him with a hand to his chest. Lucas narrows his eyes at Jarvis, and the tension immediately thickens.
Before Lucas can go after him, I move between them. “Please, won’t you just tell me if someone in my family sent you to find me and my mother? I won’t say anything to anyone. I promise you. I just need to know.”
He looks me over again. “I’m not telling you shit. Your whole family is crazy. Your grandmother, your mother, and from what I see, you’re no different.”
My blood runs cold. “My mother? What do you know about my mother?”
“I’m done with your family. You need to leave me the fuck alone now.” He scowls and tries to walk around us.
Lucas steps in front of him and Jarvis’s fist connects with his jaw. I gasp as Lucas’s head snaps back. But he quickly shakes it off, and with a roar, he’s on Jarvis, slamming him down onto the grass, pounding on his face. People rush past me and begin pulling Lucas off him. As soon as a struggling Lucas is yanked up, Jarvis gets to his feet and stumbles back. He’s spitting mad as he stands and wipes the blood off his mouth with the back of his hand. Lucas seems fine, but Jarvis’s face is a bloody mess. Abruptly, Jarvis turns and begins storming away, into the next yard.
“Wait!” I yell. I need to know how he’s involved with my family, with my mother. I start to go after him, when Lucas grabs my arm. I struggle to pull away from him as I watch Jarvis disappear. “Let go of me!”
“There’s no point. He’s not going to tell us anything.”
“But he knows something. He’s involved with my family somehow.”
Lucas grabs my waist with his other hand, trying to turn me around. “Listen to me. We need to talk.”
I spin angrily but abruptly stop when I see his bottom lip and the right side of his face are beginning to swell. The fight flows out of me, and I wince at the sight of him. “He landed a pretty good punch.”
“And I returned the favor. Come on, Ray. Let’s go.”
I nod and let him lead me past the curious people still milling around and wondering what the fight was about. We go around the side of the house to get to the main road where Lucas’s truck is parked. My adrenaline is still pumping and we both move quickly. “What if he tells whoever hired him that I came looking for him?” I ask breathlessly. Cars still line the road, but it’s quieter now. I only hear a dog’s bark echoing in the distance as we reach the truck.
Lucas lays his hands on my shoulders and turns me to him. “You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking why Jarvis was so defensive and determined to keep his mouth shut. If he was only sent there to find you or to get information about you, why would he react that way to us?”
My muscles tense as I begin to comprehend his implication. But I don’t want to let my thoughts go there. It’s too terrible to consider. I immediately begin shaking my head at him.
My denial doesn’t deter him. “Just think about it. It’s not a crazy conclusion to draw here.”
I step away, but he stays with me. I keep moving until my back hits the side of his truck. His hands move down to my arms and I stare into his sharp blue eyes. They’re dead serious and intent on mine.
“You think he killed my mother,” I whisper.
He doesn’t answer. We both know that’s what he means.
“But why?” I ask. “Why would he do it? Why would anyone in this town want her dead? She’s been gone and out of their lives for almost twenty years.”
“What was the result of her death?” he asks.
I blink my eyes and feel the tears trailing down my cheeks. “It brought me here,” I reply reluctantly. Even as the words leave my lips, I’m screaming inside that it’s just not possible. “Kyle couldn’t do that. He couldn’t kill our mother. Just to bring me here? It doesn’t make any sense.”
Lucas’s hand reaches up, and he swipes at my cheek with his thumb. “Maybe it wasn’t Kyle. Maybe it was your grandmother. Maybe she had a moment of clarity and set this in motion.”
“No. She didn’t even know I existed.”
“What about Alec?”
I immediately rule him out, too. “What would his reason be? He went this long without getting his divorce, and I can’t think of any other reason he’d want her gone or want me here.”
Visions of walking into our kitchen and finding my mother, her head surrounded by her own blood are all I can see as we argue about her killer. It’s the same scene I’ve revisited many times both awake and asleep, except now, my body starts to tremble as I see Jarvis there, too, his arms raised, ready to land a killing blow.
“I didn’t know you were the one who found her,” Lucas says, his voice thick with emotion, and I realize I must have said at least some of that out loud as he pulls me to him.
“I tried to bring her back.” I reach up and clutch his shirt in my hands, needing to hold on to something. “After everything she warned me about, I still put my hand on her and tried. But her skin was already cold. I was too late.”
His fingers run up and down my back in a slow, soothing pattern. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
I lean into him. I thought I was okay, but I had no idea how much I needed this comforting. I stay this way, close to him, and I l
et myself feel my grief, knowing that I’m in a safe place. My whole life, I’ve never felt as safe as I do when I’m with him. It’s okay to let myself fall apart a little, because if I have Lucas, I’ll be able to put myself together again when I’m ready. His warmth seeps into me, and I begin to relax in his arms. I’m not sure how long he holds me this way before my soft crying finally quiets. But he doesn’t release me. He continues to keep me close as my grief starts to change into something else. I become all too aware of his hard muscles pressing against my chest and stomach. His lips are beside my ear, and I know I only have to turn my head a fraction to receive the kiss I’m now craving. But I can’t use him that way. I can’t let my emotions unravel me and mislead him when I know I’m not ready to jump into something with him again. I regretfully pull back and try to think reasonably about what happened here tonight.
“Rob Jarvis may be her killer, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t go to the police with just my suspicion, can I?” I ask, releasing his shirt and looking up at him.
He shakes his head, agreeing with me. “I don’t think I want you going back to Kyle’s house,” he says.
“What choice do I have? Where else would I go?”
He has no answer. He doesn’t offer his house, and we both know why.
“Kyle won’t hurt me,” I reason. “Somehow, I just know that. I feel like we’re missing something here. To find out what that is, I need to go back and act like everything is normal.”
He lets out a frustrated breath and runs his hands through his hair. “There’s a problem with your plan if Jarvis tells them we’ve just confronted him, and they start to worry about what he might have told us.”
“He said he was done with my family. I don’t think he’ll go running to them now.”
Lucas eyes me, seeming torn. “Look, if you go back, I need a way to make sure you’re okay.” He thinks for a moment. “We’ll leave our phones on. We’ll keep a call connected all night and if anything happens, I’ll hear it.”
