by Trina M. Lee
With my attention on Gabriel and ensuring he obeyed my instruction, I didn’t notice Shaz pull his phone from his pocket. I vaguely noticed when he turned away, staring at the screen. But I sure as hell noticed when he turned back to me looking like he’d just seen a ghost.
“Lex?” That one word was loaded with unspoken questions. His expression was frozen somewhere between fear and horror.
My insides shriveled. This was it. The moment I discovered if handing Briggs over to Shya was worth it. My video had been leaked.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Needless to say, the drive over to The Wicked Kiss was uncomfortable. A strained silence plagued us. There was nothing I could say.
Having failed to find Jez at The Spirit Room, I was going to get my car from where she and Shaz had left it at the vampire bar. Then I was going to track her down, starting with her apartment. But I couldn’t leave Shaz with that image in his head without saying a word.
Afraid to force the conversation, I left him to stew on his feelings until he was ready to talk. Only when we pulled into the parking lot at The Wicked Kiss did he finally speak.
“Help me understand,” he said, his voice strangled with tightly reined emotion. “What was it? The evil in the building? The bloodlust? Tell me what happened there.”
We parked at the end of the lot, facing the brick siding of the building next door. I stared at the dark-red brick pattern, knowing that I could never make him understand what it felt like to have a constant war between light and dark going on inside my mind, my heart, my soul.
“Yes, it was both of those things, in a way.” I turned in my seat to face him. It was hard to meet his tortured green gaze. “But mostly, it was escape. It was the chance to forget who I was. For a while.”
Shaz fisted a handful of his hair. Turning off the engine, he leaned against the door, facing me head on. “With Falon? You hate him. At least, I thought you did.”
“I despise everything about him. That’s what made it so easy. There was no emotional connection. No fragile feelings. No guilt. Just… nothing.” What I didn’t say was that it had been a welcome reprieve from the struggle. Like a time out when, for just a few minutes, I didn’t have to be me.
Shaz looked ill. His breathing was fast and erratic. The adrenaline thrumming through him gave his energy a frazzled quality. “I know it wasn’t you. You would never do something so messed up. It’s your dark side. It’s worse than I thought it would be.” His head dropped back against the window with a dull thud. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
“You and me both,” I said. “I did throw up. Kind of. Briggs probably edited that part out.” Studying Shaz, I found that there was now a glint of repulsion in his eyes when he looked at me, one that hadn’t been there before. “Shaz, one thing you have to realize now is that I am my dark side. This isn’t something it made me do. It’s something I wanted to do.”
His expression tightened, like I’d just told him the worst news he could have possibly received. “But it’s your dark side that makes you feel that way. It’s not you. You’re light. Wolf.”
The desperate tremor in his voice pained me. But it only went so deep before it just felt numb. It was so much easier to shut down than to feel each scalding emotion.
“I’m both, Shaz. That’s what makes it so fucked up. When Willow took my darkness, it kept me from being consumed by it. It left me with the light and dark balance I’ve been struggling with since Arys and I found each other. But worse. It created a Jekyll and Hyde effect. Everything is stronger now. More intense. I am both the vampire and the wolf, but they are in constant battle inside me, Shaz. I know what I am, but I don’t know who I am anymore.”
He slammed a fist into the dashboard. Pure wolf eyes landed on me. “It won’t always be this way. Let Arys help you, Lex. He said it would be worse in the beginning. I refuse to believe you’re a lost cause.”
A sad smile crossed my face. “I am a cold-blooded killer, Shaz. Never believe otherwise.”
“Stop that,” he snapped. “Why are you talking like that? Are you just giving up? We’re all killers, Lex. Even me. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re the bad guy now. That isn’t who you are.”
I recognized the truth of his words. Yet, I also knew there was more to it than that. “But I like it, Shaz. That’s the part that makes me a monster. I fucking love it.”
“So does Arys, but he’s not running amok like a fucking lunatic slaughtering college kids and fucking fallen angels.” A growl made his words sound as vicious as they were. Shaz might be a genuine, sweet guy, but he wasn’t a pushover. I admired that.
“No,” I agreed. “Just killing Feds and strippers. He has done things you and I can’t even wrap our minds around.”
“And you brought out a better side to him,” Shaz countered, his fist clenched. “Let him do that for you. God, let me do that for you.”
I started to reach for him, but his tension and vehement anger stopped me. “You do. You both do, but this is not something you can fix. I can’t be fixed, and I don’t even want to be. Because as long as you think I’m damaged goods that need to be repaired, neither of us will be happy. You can’t turn me into your ideal version of me, Shaz.”
And that was it, right there, the harsh, startling reality. He wanted me to be who I was before, but that person no longer existed.
The interior of the small car began to feel exceedingly tight. I didn’t want it to be this way between us, but Shaz had some inner demons of his own to battle. I couldn’t do that for him.
“I think I’m going to head home,” he said after the silence had grown deafening. “We’ll talk later.”
“Ok.” My tone was soft, weak. Watching a wedge be driven between me and those I loved made me feel powerless. No matter how much power I had, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I got out of the car and waved, but he wasn’t looking at me. He drove away, leaving me standing there, watching his taillights disappear. I’d finally convinced him to see how things had changed, how I had changed. Hurting him was never my intention. All I wanted was to spare him inevitable pain and suffering. So much for that.
As I turned to go inside, my gaze landed on Kale’s Camaro. I’d have to move it to my house at some point. Kale. No sooner had I thought of him than my stomach tightened with longing.
That was over though. He’d probably seen the video by now too. Making my way inside, I crossed through the club to the back to fetch my dagger and shoulder bag from Harley’s old room where I’d left them. Gabriel’s room now.
There were a few text messages, one from Kale the previous night telling me he’d arrived safely in Las Vegas. Knowing I shouldn’t put it off, I called him, pacing the back hall as I listened to it ring.
I could feel that most of the rooms around me were empty. They wouldn’t be for long. Soon they would be occupied by drunken humans seeking a thrill and blood hungry vampires seeking a fix. And the world continued to turn.
“Let me guess,” Kale said when he answered, his voice smooth and low. “You called to tell me that you miss me. I miss you too. At least I did until this video ended up on my phone.”
“Kale, let me explain.” Before he could stop me, I rushed on, telling him about turning myself in to protect my sister for a lie dreamed up by Briggs. “You know what that place does. It gets inside your head.”
It sounded like an excuse, but it wasn’t. Kale knew. It had driven him so crazy he’d tried to rape and kill me. Still, I had forgiven him.
“It’s none of my business who you sleep with. It never was.” His tone was detached, cold.
“Kale…”
“Don’t feel like you have to justify anything to me. I know what that place can do. But I kind of saw this coming.” The way he said it made me think it was accompanied by an indifferent shrug. “Mostly, I’m just upset you never told me that you planned to go back into that building.”
My initial reaction was shock,
then anger. At a loss for a response, I sputtered, “You shouldn’t have left.”
“I had to, and you know it. You and I need some time apart. Alexa, take this time to find yourself. I mean really find yourself. You owe it to yourself to overcome the obstacles that have plagued so many of us.” It was quiet when he paused. There was no background noise, leading me to wonder where he was. Was he at The Wicked Kiss Las Vegas with Jenner?
Feeling miserable, I stopped outside of Kale’s abandoned room and stared at the number thirteen on the door. “Juliet is there. Briggs sent her to watch you and Jenner. She’s helping the Vegas FPA get their shit together. I’d rather Jenner not know if possible.”
Kale digested this bit of information. “I’ll keep an eye out for her.” There was an awkward moment where neither of us seemed to know what to say. “Well, I’ve gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.”
Panic gripped me as I became desperate to keep him on the line. Anything to feel close to him for just a moment longer. “Wait, Kale, please—”
He cut me off. Irritation crept into his voice. “Forget it, Alexa. I don’t want to do this right now. I just… I can’t.”
He hung up, leaving me standing there staring at my phone. The urge to hurl it down the hall in a fit of temper was strong. So I did.
At that moment Willow stepped into the back hall, and the phone smacked his chest before hitting the floor at his feet. He looked at me in mock offense. “What the hell was that all about? I know I haven’t been here for a while, but there’s no need to be abusive.”
I shoved away from the door and headed toward him. Scooping my phone off the floor, I grimaced. “Sorry. Bad phone call.”
“What’s up?”
With a shrug and a sigh, I tried to feel something other than morose. “Briggs sent out the security footage of me and Falon. He thought it would drive a wedge between me and certain people. He was right.”
Willow slung an arm around my shoulders and guided me along, back into the main part of the club. “The evil in this city is overwhelming. Even those who claim to fight it end up joining it. It’s discouraging, which is why you must not be discouraged.”
“Bit late for that.” I let him lead me along to the bar where he slid onto his favorite stool and patted the one next to him.
The club was just starting to fill up. The Crimson Sin girls were hauling their gear onto the stage. Josh, the bartender, placed a tequila bottle and a shot glass in front of Willow.
“Nice to see you back,” Josh said, a mouthful for a man of few words who rarely spoke to any of us.
Willow grinned. “Nice to be back.” He slammed back two shots of tequila before turning to me. “I can’t stay long, but I needed to come by and make sure you’re ok. And you are ok. You must know that.”
“Ok? I’ve killed people who didn’t deserve it. I’ve made some of the worst choices of my life in the last week alone. And to top it off, I’ve successfully alienated every man I’ve had an intimate relationship with. I’m not ok.” Eyeing the tequila bottle, I was envious that his escape could be found in a bottle while mine was inside anyone with a heartbeat or enough juice to give me a power high.
“Words have power, Alexa. What you speak, you create. Positive and negative intents and declarations manifest a reaction. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” Willow frowned at the next shot he poured. “Too bad you can’t partake. I’m going to miss that.”
“I miss it too. I have a new addiction now. Darkness.” Sure I was bitter. It had been a hell of a week. As if death wasn’t bad enough, I’d had to take it a step further and destroy everything I touched as well.
Willow took the shot and slammed the glass down. The gold flecks in his eyes glittered against the red. “It’s not the darkness you’re addicted to. It’s the misery. I know this well.”
Pondering this, I watched the front entry. Part of me expected Kale to walk in any moment. Old habits would die hard.
I didn’t doubt that Willow was right. His wisdom came from a place older than time. It warmed me to discover that side of him had survived.
“Can I ask you something?” He slid a curious glance my way. “Falon… was that the misery, or was it something deeper than that?”
The evil inside the FPA building, my hunger for blood and power, my reckless spirit: all of these things played a role in what happened with Falon. However, it all boiled down to just one thing.
“I used him,” I admitted. “He was there. He had what I wanted, and I used him. But the best part was that I didn’t have to feel bad about it, because it was him. And I don’t. I want to, but I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel anything.”
My thoughts went to Shaz. I never wanted to taint our relationship by using him as a food source. It had happened anyway. Though he’d enjoyed it, that didn’t make it right. The dynamic between us had shifted. Using him that way was not something I would ever be entirely comfortable with. But with Falon, that could never be an issue. I felt nothing for him other than contempt.
Willow nodded and reached to capture my hand in his. “I can’t tell you what you should or should not do, but I must remind you of one thing. You are here for great things. God has no use for perfect people in this day. That’s why there aren’t any. He is found in the beauty of the broken.”
Conflicted, I turned his advice over in my mind. “I died to stop Shya. Now I’m being driven mad by the shift in the light and dark inside me. I’m beyond broken, Willow. I’m shattered.”
His eyes narrowed as he frowned and made a tsking noise at me. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? The light and the dark cannot reign equal in one heart. Eventually, one must reign alone.”
“Easier said than done.” My voice rose with my rising desperation. I didn’t want wise words meant to enlighten. I wanted a quick fix. Now. Patience has never been my virtue. “It’s like a war going on inside me. And I don’t even know which side I want to win anymore. It’s easier to just stop caring.”
“Well, yeah. Of course it is. Because that’s the dark talking. It doesn’t want you to care. People who care fight the hardest.” He spun the empty shot glass with a finger until it toppled over and skittered onto the floor behind the bar. Willow flashed an apologetic smile at Josh who picked it up with a frown.
“What’s it like for you now?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
On the surface he seemed like the Willow I’d known before, but the oily, demon power clinging to him and the faint scent of sulfur made it impossible to deny the truth. He wasn’t the same any more than I was. In our efforts to overthrow Shya’s plan, we’d both come out tainted by evil. Willow’s sacrifice had been much greater than mine.
“I’m still me,” he said, reaching for the tequila bottle as if to confirm that statement. “I still have free will. There’s no rule that says I must do the things my dark brothers are doing. However, there is now a part of me that wants to. There are new desires, new sins, horrible thoughts and rash actions. I imagine it’s quite similar to what you’re experiencing. The difference though is that it’s too late for me. It is not too late for you.”
He caught my gaze and held it. There was a silent plea in his red eyes. He had given himself to the darkness for me. Letting him down was not an option.
I squeezed his hand, finding strength in his familiar, friendly touch. “I hope you’re right about that.” I searched him, a question dancing on the tip of my tongue. “Why haven’t you gone after Shya yet? I mean, you must owe him one hell of an ass kicking.”
Willow pondered this, unable to hide the shadows that flitted through his eyes. “Like I said, I’m still me. Do I want payback for what he did to Christina? Like you wouldn’t believe. But vengeance won’t change Shya. It would only change me.”
I nodded, understanding completely. Willow was still too good to ever be as bad as Shya, and I understood that if anyone was going to make Shya pay for what he did to Willow, it would have to be me.
“Now if you’ll excuse me,�
� Willow continued, “I’m off to crash a party I wasn’t invited to. There are some perks to regaining my power even though it’s now dark. Ruining demon rituals is one of them.” He smirked, looking pleased with himself.
Willow rose and held out his arms in an invitation I couldn’t refuse. I hugged him tight, trying not to focus on the evil force thrumming through him but instead on the genuine warmth and purity of his spirit.
When we pulled back, worry creased Willow’s brow. “You need to reconnect with Arys. Whatever this is doing to you, it’s also doing to him. Remember that.”
He kissed my forehead and vanished. Our visit had been much too short, but I was elated, relieved, all kinds of good at having seen him. Willow was a constant inspiration. Rather than being a victim of what he had become, he was using it to thwart the plans and rituals of other demons. The dark battling the dark, an intriguing concept. A rarity I was sure.
Willow was all dark and still choosing to serve the light. It was similar to what Falon had shared. Could creatures of darkness truly serve the light from the inside? And more specifically, could I? Could I find a way to honor the light within me while still being plagued by the dark?
As I pondered it, I surveyed the room, taking note of the vampires present and the herd of humans that continued to pour into the building. They made it so easy. Too easy. That’s what Arys hated so much about the place. It stole the thrill of the hunt.
And yet, I could also see why Kale did enjoy The Wicked Kiss. One could spend days screwing and bleeding a victim or victims, never surfacing from the fog, staying constantly wrapped in the high of it all.
There was no safe way to be a vampire. We were damned either way.
Willow was right. This madness was not mine alone. Arys was suffering too. Not only was he suffering, he was giving me the space I’d asked for. I’d fought so hard with him so many times about such things. Now I missed them. Careful what I wish for, right?
