by T. L Smith
I’ve had nightmares since it all happened, but I thought I was doing better. I haven’t woken up screaming for quite some time. It’s always the same dream, me finding Josh, him lying there dead. They say its meant to get easier, but I just know it’s bullshit, because I’m still living the nightmare.
Once I’ve finished in the bathroom, I head out to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. Brax is already there looking completely lost in thought. I pull out a stool and as it scrapes across the floor, he turns around and asks if I’d like a coffee. I agree, then I hear my phone ringing. It’s a number I don’t recognize, but I’m hoping it’s someone calling to say my apartment is ready.
“Hello, Sasha speaking.”
“Hi, Sasha. I’m Tom Brandy, a lawyer, from Anderson and Partners.”
“Oh, hi. Thanks for calling, I wasn’t expecting your call so early.”
“Well, Sasha, we’ve been trying to reach you for quite some time now. I was wondering if you would be able to make it into my office today? I have something we need to discuss with you personally so we can finalize this matter.”
“Okay, yes, sure. I will come in as soon as possible.” My nerves are all over the place at the moment and I’m not sure what to expect. I’m still trying to work out what he wants when Brax snaps his fingers in front of my face.
“You okay? You look a little lost sitting there,” he says in his calming voice.
“Oh, yeah... just have to visit the lawyer’s office today. Not sure what it’s about though,” I tell him honestly. He nods his head and turns back around to finish making the coffee.
“Would you like to come for a drive to work with me today?” Brax asks, while his back is still turned away from me.
“I have to go to the lawyers, so it depends how long you are going for.”
“Not long, just have to stop into work for a bit today.”
I agree. A little later, after finishing my coffee and getting changed for the day, we drive to Brax’s record company. I exit the car and follow him inside. We continue moving into what I presume is the studio and come face-to-face with all the members of the band. They look me up and down probably wondering what I’m doing here with Brax. The drummer, which I recognize from Sydney, gives me a contentious gaze and then looks away in another direction. The two pretty boys, however, look me up and down like they want to rush me off to the bedroom and have their way with me.
“Well, looky looky, what do we have here? Mmm, very nice, I could eat you all up,” one of the pretty boys says, while walking toward me.
“Guys this is Sasha. Sasha, these losers are, Spike on drums, Colt on bass and Lance on guitar.”
I nod my head toward them and Colt, the one that hasn’t stopped looking me up and down, winks at me and turns his attention back to Brax. They start talking about what they’re working on and I take a seat on the sofa, unsure what I’m meant to be doing. I’m in my own world when Spike stands up and slams his hands down on the table. I automatically jump at the loud noise and stand up. I register straight away that they are arguing and listen in. It seems to have something to do with the tour and a manager that they don’t want on the tour with them. I instantly feel like I’m hearing something I’m not meant to, so I make my excuses and move towards the door.
I’m standing outside for a good fifteen minutes when Spike slams the door open and walks straight past me. Once he notices me he turns around. I avoid all eye contact with him as he is one scary dude.
“I know who you are, and what you’ve been through, but so help me God, if you play with his heart I will hurt you.”
I look up at him, staring wide eyed in surprise, and consider how he knows anything about me at all. Standing tall, I look straight into his eyes and speak, “How about you mind your own business? I don’t need you or anyone threatening me. So, you can shove that threat right up your ass.” I turn on my heels and leave by walking straight past him. I didn’t agree to hang out with Brax for the day, or to be harassed by some dickhead I don’t even know.
I’m fuming and decide to call for a cab and head straight to the lawyers early and get whatever it is they wish to discuss out of the way. The cab pulls up to the curb of the lawyers office, I pay the driver and exit. The glass building in front of me is glistening in the sunlight as I walk into the Anderson and Partners building. When I arrive at the reception desk I ask for Tom, stating that I have an appointment, but I am a little earlier than I intended. She calls up to let him know I’ve arrived and luckily I’m directed in to see him straight away.
“Sasha, thank you so much for coming in so soon. I’d like to get this matter resolved as soon as possible.”
I nod my head and take a seat across from Tom’s large heavy wooden desk. He’s an older man, I’m guessing somewhere in his late forties. His desk is a complete and utter mess, and he seems to be searching through that mess right now trying to find something which I presume is paperwork. I sit back in the chair waiting, nervously tapping my foot.
“Arghh, found it. Sorry about that. So, this is in regard to the matter I discussed with you earlier today. Josh left strict instructions for me, and that you are not to say no under any circumstances,” Tom informs me.
I listen closely and then zone out. Even in his death he’s trying to tell me what to do. I feel one of my panic attack’s starting. The tingling starts in my feet and works its way up to my chest. I quickly take in some depth breaths to try and push it away.
“So, Josh left the following instructions in his Last Will and Testament that you take over full ownership of his house and any possessions that are located within it.” Tom looks up at me when he doesn't get a response, because I can’t seem to form words. “Okay, well... he has also left you a life insurance policy which he had made two years ago and the amount is just over one million dollars.”
I’m shocked, completely and utterly shocked. It means he took out that policy when I wasn’t even with him and that alone breaks my heart all over again. I feel the need to run out of this office and smash something, and then drink copious amounts of alcohol. I wasted so much time apart from him, and the whole time, all he did was think of what was best for me. What a bitch I was to lose precious time with him.
“He also asked me to relay something to you personally.”
I look up and realize I haven’t really heard much of anything he was saying, just catching bits and pieces.
He notices that I’m paying attention now and relays to me what Josh wanted to tell me.“He said that he knew you wouldn’t read his letter that he left for you, but he asks that you try – for him. Those were his exact words.”
Try for him? That makes me angry, hurt, and sad, all at the same time. Sometimes I think he knew me better than I know myself. I don’t answer his question, I just nod my head. He asks for my address and asks me to sign his paperwork and I get up to leave without speaking a word.
I slowly make my way outside and grab the first cab I see and just tell the driver to drive. I feel my phone buzzing in my bag nonstop, but as it rings again I just turn it off. I ask him to stop at a drive through to purchase some alcohol. I buy two bottles of tequila and the cab driver takes off again. The next thing I know, I’m standing at the front of a house that holds so many of my demons.
Sasha
Before I can change my mind about leaving I see the cabby driving away. I take very slow steps up to the front of the house. I look around and note that this once beautiful place really needs some love and attention. The lawns are overgrown and the garden needs weeding. It just doesn’t shine as bright as it used to.
I debate on opening the front door once I’ve reached it. I take a slow breath, place the key in the lock and I turn the handle of the door. As soon as it’s open my heart screams, like it wants to be here, but my mind is telling me to fucking run far away. I walk in very slowly. I feel like my feet are dragging¸ and as soon as I enter, I feel his presence; it's all around me. I feel like he’s smiling and he
has been waiting all this time for me to come home. I move into the living room and see our photo hanging exactly where it was before. Nothing has changed; it’s like a ghost has been living here and no one has come to visit. I drag myself through the house, alcohol in hand and reach the kitchen. It’s spotless, just like Josh always left it, although there is some dust as you would expect. I sit on a stool and my mind starts to imagine him cooking for me. I take a few swigs from the bottle and soon realize that I’ve already drunk half the bottle. I look over to my right and see a photo of Josh and I kissing on the bench. My anger starts to build and gets the best of me. I throw my half empty bottle straight at the photograph. It feels cathartic, a real reliefof letting it go. I open the other bottle and drink almost the entire bottle. When I’m finished my belly starts to turn and I try hard not to puke. I continue to drink till my eyesight is blurry and eventually I pass out in the bedroom.
I wake sometime later in such comfort. I sit up and soon realize exactly where I am and then everything that happened yesterday comes back, full force. The lawyers, the alcohol and the photo. I sit taking in deep breaths and that’s when I smell him. And by him, I mean him. I look around and see his clothes on our dresser. It hits me that no one has come in to clean since it all happened and there are so many signs of him everywhere. On his side of the bed there is a photo of me blowing him a kiss, his clothes are on the floor from when I ripped them off of him when we made love for the last time. His cologne bottle is sitting next to my photo.
I take slow breaths, trying to calm myself and when I look I see the letter on the floor in exactly the same place from where I threw it. I debate leaving it, but I finally decide to get off my ass and open it. With shaking hands and tears running down my cheeks, I manage to peel it open.
I sit there reading the letter over and over again. By the third time the letter isn’t even recognisable, as my tears have smudged the ink. I curl up on the bed with the letter held close to my heart and dream about Josh. I see him smiling down on me, and I hope and pray I can rid myself of these demons, so I’m not so angry any more.
I wake to the feeling of someone is watching me. I jump up with a start and look around the room. That’s when I see Brax sitting in the chair next to the bed. He is watching me as I get up and I look around for the letter. I’m feeling more and more nauseous as I look around. As I start pulling all the covers off the bed trying to find it, I see out of the corner of my eye Brax stand up and walk over to me.
“Is this what you’re looking for?” He holds out the letter to me. I snatch it back and hold it to my chest. I look up at him, annoyance showing on my face that he would have taken it, let alone read it.
“He really loved you, Sasha... But you can’t keep shutting people out forever,” he says in a soft voice looking at me with his smoky grey eyes.
“You have no right to tell me what to do or how to feel Brax. You have no idea what it’s like to be hurt by someone you love or to lose that person,” I’m starting to shout and getting angrier the more I talk. I go to walk away and he grabs hold of my arm, swinging me around so I’m face to face with him.
“That’s where you’re wrong! I know what it’s like to have someone you love hurt you. Maybe I didn’t lose her the way you did, but it still hurt just the same.” His eyes lose their sparkle and his face looks pained. I snatch my hand back because he has no idea what he’s talking about.
“Oh, what Brax? A girl broke your heart, so you left her? Oh, poor you. Try loving that person with all of your heart and then having that person brutally ripped away from you. Oh, and on top of that, finding that person dead in the home that was the first real home you’ve ever had. So keep your little sob story to yourself.”
Brax looks at me, the pain in his eyes has widened and his face drops. He turns and starts heading towards the front door of the house. Just as he reaches the door, he turns around and looks at me.
“You need to stop being a bitch, Sasha, and let people in. Otherwise, you’re going to have no one left!” With that he walks out the door. I’m so angry right now, I want to punch him in the face. I run outside and see him walking towards his car. My inner turmoil gets the better of me and I run out and tackle him to the ground. It’s pouring down with rain and I’m getting soaked and covered in mud. I’m on top of him trying to hurt him, but he’s way bigger than I am and just rolls me so that he’s on top of me.
“You stupid dick, get off of me,” I scream at him.
“What? Couldn’t handle the truth, Thorn, so you attack?” He’s making me so angry, and why the hell does he keep calling me Thorn?
“Fuck you,” I spit at him.
“No, baby, fuck me.” He slams his lips down on mine and I instantly relax under his body. It’s like my body responds to him all on its own. I know I shouldn’t be kissing him, or for that matter enjoying it, but it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. My body is on fire. It’s like there are thousands of sparks all going off at once. The rain is belting down all around us, but it can’t even begin to cool me off. He nips at my bottom lip and then bites my lip taking it between his teeth. I automatically feel myself rise to meet him where it’s needed. His tongue darts back in my mouth and starts massaging mine. It feels like two bodies that want to do naughty things.
I manage eventually to get my thoughts straight and realize what we’re doing. I roll him so I’m on top and remove my lips from his. I immediately slap him across the face and stand up. He looks shocked at first, but a smile creeps across his face and he looks me in the eyes before he speaks.
“I knew there were feelings, Thorn, and I’m willing to wait, but don’t keep me waiting too long.” He stands up and walks off towards his car and with one final backwards glance, he smiles and it has my heart racing like crazy.
I manage to slowly make my way back into the house with my heart in my hand and my head on my shoulders. Memories are everywhere, I just don’t understand or even want to understand.
Is it possible to love two people at the same time, and to want what you can’t have?
Sasha
I spend the rest of the day doing nothing. I know I have to get back to the real world tomorrow, as I need to get back to work, though my mind definitely doesn’t want to. I’m in the kitchen with mixed crazy feelings, when there’s a knock on the door. I go to see who it is and I open the door to Lola.
“What are you doing here, Lola?” She looks down to the floor before bringing her eyes up to mine and I immediately know why she’s here.
“Brax called and said that you were upset and that I needed to check on you.” I give her an eye roll and walk back inside to the kitchen. She follows me in and takes a seat at the counter opposite me and I wait for an explanation as to why he would call her.
“What are you two, bum chums or something, or on Sasha’s patrol?” I ask with my best smart-ass voice.
“No, smart-ass, he got my number from your phone supposedly. He called me to tell me you needed someone. So, ta-da, here I am bitch,” she says with a wave of her hands.
“Well, I’m fine as you can see, so you can be on your merry way now.” I point towards the door.
“Sorry, sis, doesn’t work like that. You forget I know you. So, have you gone to the lawyers office yet?” I’m a little surprised by her question as I have no idea how she would know that information. I pull out my phone before I answer her and text Brax.
Mind your own business and stop telling people mine.
My phone beeps almost straight away and I know it’s from him. I look down and sure enough, it’s Brax.
Oh, Thorn, don’t get your knickers in a knot, it’s only your sister.
I throw the phone down onto the counter and pull my eyes back up at Lola.
“Yes, I did go to the lawyers.” I turn my back to her and walk over to make some coffee.
“And what did they want?” she asks.
“Josh left me the house and a large amount of money, like a million dollars.” I
hear her drop the phone to the ground and turn around to face her. She’s looking at me with her mouth gaped open wide and has a smashed iPhone lying on the floor.
“Holy shit balls, Sash! Like, totally, holy shit balls. Did you know about this?”
“No, you fool, of course, I didn’t,” I smart mouth back to her.
“Are you going to keep it?”
“I don’t know, he told me in the letter that I had to, but –”
“No buts about it. He bought it for you, and OMG you finally read the letter. I saw that on the floor when you threw it. I thought you’d never read it.” She’s looking at me with her eyebrows raised in surprise, which I don’t blame her. I never thought I would step back into this house, it holds so many good and painful memories and I’m afraid that the bad may very well outweigh the good.
We talk for another hour. Well, mainly she talks and tries to convince me to keep the house. I do love the house, but I’m afraid to be in here by myself. She must’ve picked up on that vibe as she said Brandon was looking at moving up and he’s looking for places to stay. I do miss him, but living together, well, let’s hope I don’t kill him. She also asked me to take it easy on Brax, which I laughed off and she gave me the ‘I’m bigger and older’ speech shit which, of course, I have to listen to.
Brax and his band are having a party for a promo of their new album and we are invited. I tried to tell her that I didn’t want to go, but of course she never listens to me, and now I’m her date for it next Friday.
After a long catch up, Lola finally leaves so I decide to pop over and visit Adam and Kasey before I go home to check on my apartment. Adam opens the door with Kasey in his arms. As soon as she sees me she reaches out with her little arms and I take her. We head into the house and I notice he has a guest. She is a very attractive woman, who has long straight brown hair and hazel eyes. I can see the way she’s looking at Adam; that she likes what she sees. But unfortunately for her, Adam doesn’t pay her a second glance.
