by T. L Smith
Oh, I get it, he doesn’t want me here. I don’t understand why, but I decide to just walk away and see if I can find him myself. I search around inside and can’t find him, so I decide to look out on the balcony. I see him before he sees me. He’s standing talking to a very attractive blonde and they’re laughing. Every time he says something funny I notice her hand reach out and touch his chest. I’m not sure why this makes me angry, as they aren’t doing anything wrong, but it does. Just as he turns around to see me, I turn and make my way out to the front to leave. I observe Bill standing near the balcony obviously watching the whole exchange and by the look on his face I can see he’s more than pleased.
Once outside, I decide to hail a cab and leave, as I don’t need any more drama in my life. The cab ride home is silent and when he pulls up out the front of the house, I pay him and head inside. I’m surprised by what I find and also excited.
“And the guest of honour has finally arrived, looking dashing as always, cuz,” Ryan says.
“How come you didn’t tell me they were coming?” I say hugging both the twins and looking up at Brandon.
“Ask those dipwits, they wanted the surprise,” Brandon says clearly in a pissy mood and drinking.
“Ignore him. We missed you, plus we had to check up on broken heart over here,” Keith says stirring Brandon. I still don’t know what is going on with him, but they have hit a nerve because he looks like he is about to pummel his brother. I calm Brandon down and go and get in some sweat pants and a jumper and meet the boys in the living room.
“Brandon, what’s going on? I’ve given you time and you still haven’t told me anything.”
He looks at me like he is contemplating whether or not to tell me. “Nothing... it’s nothing, don’t worry,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders.
“I call, bullshit. Miranda broke your heart, so you ran. You seem to get that off of Sasha,” Keith says.
“Hey, don’t bring me into this.”
“Okay, enough of this, I want to drink and watch bad movies.”
Ryan walks in wagging around a bottle of tequila. We all nod our heads and move to the living room and pick a movie. Ryan puts on an Adam Sandler movie to try to cheer everyone up, but no one is really paying attention to it. We have some shots and talk about old times. I love hanging with these boys, they are a big distraction for me and take my mind off things I don’t want to be dealing with.
Keith asks about Brax. Brandon mentioned to him that he was in town and that we have seen him quite a lot. I don’t know if he’s playing dumb or he really doesn’t honestly know that was who I was out with tonight. Brandon looks at me when they mention his name and I just look away. I don’t know if I’m still mad at him or not. I really don’t understand why he even took me there to leave me standing all by myself.
“Hey, Sasha, remember, Tim?” Ryan asks me. I do, he was my first kiss. He was the boys’ next-door neighbour when they were growing up.
“Yeah, why?”
“I ran into him at the bar one night and he asked about you. Seems he forgot your unforgettable kiss,” he says, laughing so hard he’s clutching his stomach.
I laugh so hard I’m clutching my stomach. I lay on the ground and pull my hair out and look up at the boys.
“You’re joking, right? It was my first kiss and I ended up in the bloody ocean,” I tell them. The boys come and lay on the floor next to me and we all can’t stop laughing.
“You got to admit, cuz, it was pretty entertaining especially from where we were standing,” Brandon chips in.
“No, it wasn’t. Who slams their lips down so hard on someone, when they are sitting on a railing at the beach? Like seriously, what did he expect to happen?”
Brax
Kim won’t stop talking to me about how much my donation means to them. Every time she says something, she keeps leaning in to touch me on the chest and it’s really pissing me off. I’ve tried to excuse myself several times, but she won’t shut up. I feel bad for leaving Sasha in there by herself, but Bill said he would keep her company. Kim’s an attractive girl, but she isn’t for me, and I seriously doubt she cares as she’s flirting hard-core with me.
She leans in to touch me again and I stop her just before she does. When I have her hand in my hand I turn around and see Sasha leaving. I walk away from Kim and go look for her, but just as I’m about to go out front Bill stops me again.
“You can’t do serious, Brax. Your career is just taking off, you have to be available,” Bill states.
“What are you talking about? I can and I will see anyone I please. Remember, Bill, you make your money from me, not the other way around,” I tell him, because none of his other bands are bringing in the money like we are and he gets a pretty good paycheck.
“That may be true, but I know what’s good for business and that girl isn’t good for it. I can tell by the way you look at her, it can mean nothing, but trouble.”
I don’t even have words for him; I’m so angry. I’m ready to fire him on the spot. I move away and out to the front and notice she’s already left. The Valet tells me she caught a cab. I get in the limo and head straight to hers.
I pull up out the front and walk up the stairs. I hear laughter coming from inside and that peaks my curiosity as it sounds like there are more than just two people in there. The door is already open and I head in. I hear Sasha and the boys laughing about a first kiss and I walk around the corner.
I see her, and the boys all laid out on the carpet passing around a bottle of tequila. She’s lying down with her hair fanned out laughing about something that happened years ago. She’s so beautiful in this moment. No make-up. Not fancied up, just her. Her walls are down and looking towards her, I can’t remove my eyes. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
Keith notices me first and lets out a long whistle and everyone looks up. My eyes still haven’t left hers and I watch the walls slam back in place, like watching a movie, when she sees me.
“Hey, buddy, was just asking Sasha how you were. Haven’t seen you in months,” Keith says, slapping me on the back, and the whole time I’m watching Sasha.
The boys invite me to have a drink and I don’t know whether to sit on the floor or on the couch. I remove my jacket and sit near Sasha. She won’t look at me and is having a conversation with Brandon. I can’t hear what they’re talking about, but she looks pretty serious.
“How’s the band going? I so have to come to another show again,” Ryan is trying to make conversation, but I’m not listening. I watch as she gets up and heads out of the living room, and as soon as she does I follow her. I see her head to her room and follow her in.
“Sasha, can we talk?” I ask and watch her spin around, unaware that I was following her.
“I don’t think there’s anything left to say, Brax.”
“You’re wrong. I didn’t purposely walk away from you tonight and I’m sorry you had to wait by yourself.”
“Why invite me there if you don’t intend to spend time with me? Was I just for show?” she asks, sounding pissed off and angry at the same time.
“No, of course you weren’t. I wanted to spend all my time with you, but I got pulled into talking about the fundraiser.”
“I’m sure that’s what your delusional mind thinks.” She turns and goes to walk away from me again.
“Stop building up your goddamn walls, woman! I try and try, and you just knock me back,” I say, raising my voice.
“I have let the walls down for you, Brax. Maybe not all of them, but certainly some of them, but you made me build them back up.”
“I’m not going to keep on chasing you, Sasha, especially if you’re not going to give me a go.” She doesn’t respond to me, she just looks me in the eyes, and I know I can’t keep on trying for something that may never even happen. I leave her house and I don’t know if I will ever see her again.
* * *
One Month Later
I haven’t spoken to Sasha or
seen her since that night at her house. To say I’ve stopped thinking about her is crazy talk, because she consumes me. I always wonder if it will get easier. Mom always taught us to go after what you want and I did. I tried, but I think there comes a time and place where you have to say enough is enough. I am at that point with Sasha. I tried and I failed.
I would have waited for her as long as she needed, if she had said so. But chasing and loving someone who doesn’t love you back, I just can’t do it.
I arrive home and find Sasha on my doorstep, waiting. I really wasn’t expecting to see her. I get out of the car and walk toward her. She looks up at me and I can’t quite make out her facial expressions.
“Sasha,” I say. I watch as she stands and pushes her hair back behind her ears like she’s nervous.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I came.” And then she starts to walk away. I’m so confused I don’t even process it until she walks past me.
“Sasha, stop! Come inside, please,” I say almost begging. She stops and turns around to face me and nods her head in agreement. She follows me inside. We take a seat on the sofa and she’s just sitting there silently.
“Sasha, why did you come?” I ask. She looks up at me and I can see her walls are down, she’s exposed.
“I don’t know,” she whispers.
“Is there something wrong?”
“There’s always something wrong. That’s the problem with me, isn’t it?” I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I tell her, “I’m going to get us a drink.” But she doesn’t even bat an eyelash. She just stays seated and unmoving. I walk out and put my phone to my ear.
“Brandon, what’s going with, Sash?” I ask, when he answers.
“Why? Is she there?”
“Yes, and she seems different. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”
“Its Josh’s anniversary coming up. She’s been odd all week. I don’t know what to do anymore, she seems so distant and she’s never like that with me.” I believe him, she confides in him about almost everything.
“Well, she’s here so I’ll try talking to her,” I tell him.
“I don’t think that’s smart, Brax. Just drive her home, please,” he says huffing into the phone.
“Nope, sorry, got to go. Chat later.”
Brax
I pour her a drink and take it to her. She’s still sitting in the same position I left her in. She sees me enter and looks up. The sadness is pouring out of her and it nearly breaks me. I don’t understand how she can constantly pull me in. I try to rid her from my system, but it never works and she always seems to come back with a vengeance.
“Do you want to talk?” I ask her softly.
She looks up at me and shakes her head. We sit in an awkward silence for about ten minutes. She still hasn’t moved. I walk over and pull her onto my lap, so I’m cradling her. She takes a deep breath and then starts to cry.
“Sasha, you have to talk to me,” I’m pleading with her now.
“I just don’t know anymore, Brax... I just don’t know how to feel about anything, it’s so hard.” She’s sobbing into my chest. I stroke her hair and tell her that it’s okay. I ask her to explain to me what’s so hard.
“I miss him... I miss him so much it feels like my heart is being torn to shreds. Then you come along and make it feel better and I don’t trust that feeling,” she says still not connecting her eyes with mine.
“Why not?”
“Because I think I’m in love with you, but I still love Josh so much and I feel guilty.” There’s a huge bang in my chest. She’s finally admitted to me she has strong feelings. I feel guilty for being angry that she loves him too, but I can’t blame her, he really did love her and what’s not to love.
“You can love him, Sasha. I would never ask you to stop loving him. He was your first love and he will always be in your heart. But I believe I’ll be your last, if you give me that chance.” She looks at me with hope in her eyes, but I see it change so quickly. She isn’t sure and I know it. I don’t want her to ever stop loving Josh, but I believe she can love me as well. We sit in the same position for ages, not moving. She eventually asks me to sing to her and I do. I sing about love, forgiveness and even death. I sing her a song that represents us, John Legend ‘All of Me’. I would give her all of me if only she would accept it. I watch her as her eyes close and she falls asleep on my lap. No one can ever compete with her. To me, she’s my rose that shines so bright.
* * *
Sasha has stayed with me for two days. She went to leave the next morning after she fell asleep, but I convinced her to stay. She reluctantly agreed and we’ve done nothing but eat takeout and watch movies. She even got me to paint her toenails, and let’s say she’ll never ask me to do that again. But watching her laugh as I did, it was a reward in itself.
I wake up the next morning with Sasha in our usual sleeping positions, with her lying on my chest. Her hair is all spread out over me and her leg is between mine. I don’t know how we end up in this position, but we always seem to. She’s due to go home today as she has to go back to work. I watch as she wakes up and places a kiss over my heart and then stands up and walks to the bathroom. She’s only wearing my shirt and no knickers because she has run out of clothes. The shirt is long enough to cover her, but I enjoy watching as she walks. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
We haven’t had sex yet or anything else as I don’t want to push her or make her feel regret. When she wants me, I’ll know, and until that time I’ll continue to have a case of major blue balls.
She saunters out of the bathroom with a hair band in her hand, and she flips her hair over and ties it up. While she is tying her hair the shirt rises and I can see the bottom of her ass. My manhood betrays me even though I try thinking of kittens and puppies, but it doesn’t bloody work. She looks at me and smiles a slow sexy smile like she knows what I’m thinking.
“Can you drive me home?” she asks still smiling.
“Let me think about that,” I say teasing her. She raises her eyebrows at me then she slowly turns around so her back is to me and pretends to stretch her arms above her head. I know she’s doing it on purpose. I jump out of bed and pick her up and throw her on the bed. She’s giggling like a schoolgirl and I climb on top of her and pin her legs with mine and move her arms above her head.
“You want to play games, Thorn?” I ask, looking down at her now smiling face.
“You know me, Brax. I don’t play games,” she says still smiling.
“But I think you would love my games,” I say and grind my erection near her hot spot. I’m only in a pair of tight briefs and can feel her heat. She instantly goes to close her legs, but can’t because I have her pinned down. I place kisses up her neck to her ear and then blow on it. I see goose bumps appear all over her skin. I’m mentally telling myself to hold back and to only play the game, but I want more. I see her nipples poking through her shirt and I bite one, hard. She yelps in pain, but lifts herself up to meet my erection. I continue the torture on her other nipple and she loves it. She’s breathing heavy and looks flustered. I push myself off her, give her a wink as I head for a very cold shower.
“You fucking bastard,” she yells and I can’t help but laugh at her little temper tantrum.
I walk out of the bathroom in a towel and see her lying on the bed where I left her, but turned over. Her ass is hanging out and it’s fucking fabulous. I feel my friend betraying me and standing up nice and erect as she turns around and looks me up and down. Then slowly pushes herself up from the bed in a cat crawling motion. Her ass is in the air and I can’t seem to remove my eyes. She looks at me when she’s standing and walks over and pushes her body against mine.
My towel falls away from my hips and she smiles and whispers in a sexy voice, right in my ear, “Two can play that game.” She saunters off to the bathroom.
Bitch!
Bitch!
Bitch!
Is what my entire
mind is thinking. I reach down and collect my towel debating whether or not to go back in there. I decide not to and get dressed and head out of the room before she comes out in nothing at all.
Once she’s dressed, she walks out with her things and as soon as I see it, I hate it. I hate that she’s leaving. I want her all to myself.
She sees me looking and I wonder what she’s thinking.
“You can stay you know,” I tell her, hoping she will reconsider, though I know we both have jobs to get back to.
“Thanks, but I think it’s time for me to brave home.” I just nod at her and she follows me to the car. Once we arrive, I’m not sure if I should go inside or say our goodbyes now. I don’t want to be away from her as I’m afraid she will try and avoid me again. I look across at her as she’s not making a move to get out either.
“Can I come over tonight?” I ask. She nods her head, then leans over and kisses me on the cheek. I say goodbye and watch as she walks away.
I head to the studio to go and see the guys and when I get there I’m met with Lola sitting on my drummer’s lap. She looks up and sneers at me.
“Have you been holding my sister hostage?” she asks. I shake my head. I look over at Spike, who seems to have a shit eating grin written all over his face.
“You bang that chick yet, and get her out of your system?” Spike asks. Lola elbows him in the ribs and he does a full on act like he’s hurt.
“I told you cockhead, no mouth about my sister.” She goes to stand up and he pulls her back down and whispers something in her ear. She smiles up at him and stands up holding his hand and drags him away.
I have the studio to myself and start writing songs. After a while I look at what I’ve written and realize it’s all about a girl with blue eyes and lots of demons.
Sasha
I’m excited to finish my shift today and go home to see Brax. I never thought I’d feel happy again with a guy, but he makes me smile and laugh so much; I think it's slowly putting my heart back together. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m afraid I will.
