by A. D. Ellis
By the time he got home and took a hot shower the medicine was starting to ease the pain and he felt a lot less on edge. He’d just take a nap while he waited for Jay.
Before stretching out on the couch, he wrote her a note:
Hey Pixie,
Wake me when you get home. I’ll be all rested and ready to play with you and Pixie Baby.
Love you,
Me
**********
Someone was watching him. He slowly opened his eyes and shifted. Pain screamed through his body when he tried to sit up. The room was dark, his vision blurry, but he could feel the presence of someone in the room with him.
“Pixie?” He finally reached the lamp. “Why are you sitting in the dark? Why didn’t you wake me up? Oh, fuck, I need to take some medicine, I slept through my last dose.” He knew very well it wasn’t late enough for him to take another pill, but he couldn’t face climbing into bed with the red-hot pain lancing his senses.
He reached for the pill bottle, grabbed one, and swallowed it dry before reaching for water to rinse it down. Only after he’d taken the pill did he start to feel less anxious. And only then did he realize Jay hadn’t answered him.
“Jay?” He watched her. She sat in a chair facing him. “Jaymison? You okay?”
The look on her face was one of being lost in a distant memory. He moved closer, touching her hand. At the contact she roused herself from her trance.
“Hey, Pixie, what’s wrong? You were really zoned out there.” Kendrick took her hand in his.
“Oh, yeah, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Her voice was sarcastic and edged with a venom he’d never heard.
“Whoa, where’s the attitude coming from?” Kendrick tried to keep it light, but he felt a bit defensive.
“The attitude? You’re right, I have no right to have an attitude when I come home to find the man I love passed out on the couch in a drugged-up stupor. So sorry to overreact, Kendrick!”
She stood and paced the room, taking a deep breath. When she turned to him, tears sparkled in her eyes. “When I couldn’t wake you up, I had some bad recollections of my dad trying to wake my mom up after her benders. I was scared, Kendrick. I don’t like what’s happening, it’s like reliving past nightmares.” She turned accusing eyes towards him.
“Damn, I’m sorry. I must have overdone it at work today, I was really out of it. I promise I won’t work so hard, I can’t come home so exhausted and not be here for you and the baby. Won’t happen again.” He didn’t like the accusation in her voice, but he didn’t want to wade into the subject any further, so he smacked a sound kiss on her lips and leaned down to kiss her belly. “Now, let’s head to bed.”
In his mind he had every intention of spending quality time loving on Jay before they both slept. But, by the time she emerged from the bathroom to climb into bed, he had given into the drug-induced sleep. The worried look in Jay’s eyes and the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, were lost on his slumbering body.
Chapter 15
“So, Kendrick, what brings you in today?” The robust, rosy-cheeked doctor entered the room with a smile on his face.
“I, uh, just needed a refill on my prescription.” Kendrick’s voice stammered.
It had been four months since the accident. His leg and arm seemed to have healed fine. All internal injuries were forgotten. But his shoulder and neck were still causing him a lot of pain.
The doctor read over his chart. “On a level of one to ten, what’s your pain like on average?” The doctor glanced up.
“If ten is the worst, then it’s a ten. I can’t seem to shake the pain in my shoulder and neck.” Kendrick’s hands shook. His last script had ended yesterday. He’d finished the pills a whole day early. He’d lived in a hot bathtub for the last 36 hours, trying to ease the pain while waiting to see the doctor for a new script.
“I’m a little hesitant to give you another script this time, Kendrick. This pain is something that should have started to abate by now. I’d like to set you up in some physical therapy for your neck and shoulder.”
“Well, it maybe should have abated by now, Doc, but it most definitely hasn’t. I’m dying here. Give me another month, if it’s not better by then, I’ll do the physical therapy.” Kendrick knew his eyes had to have the look of an alcoholic looking for his next shot, but he was desperate to get the pills to ease his pain and calm the craving in his body.
“Okay, one more month, but then we’ve got to take a different course of action. Last thing you need is to become dependent on pain medication.” The ruddy-faced doctor laughed.
Kendrick smiled tightly, his only thought on getting to the pharmacy and how fast they could fill the script.
**********
“So, the doctor gave you another refill?” Jay’s voice held concern, but Kendrick heard judgment.
“Yeah, Jay, he did. He knows I’m still dealing with a lot of pain.” Kendrick snapped. He had finally gotten the pill bottle opened in the pharmacy parking lot. He took two pills at once, thinking he could ease the pain quicker than with just one. Once the pain was back under control somewhat, he would skip a dose here or there.
Now standing in the kitchen, Jay watching him closely, he stared into the pill bottle and almost obsessively counted the pills, trying to plan how many he could take each day before he’d need a new script.
But the doctor said no more refills.
Fuck that. I’ll find another doctor.
He felt the moment the medication began to enter his bloodstream. His body began to relax, he felt calmer than he had in a couple days. This is why I need the pills. If I’m in pain, I’m an asshole no one wants to be around. This way, I get rid of the worst of the pain, and I stop snapping at others.
“No need to get shitty, Kendrick. I just worry that you’re taking a lot of pills and the pain isn’t getting any better.” Jay’s brow creased. “This baby will be here in a few months, I’ll need your help. I just don’t want you to have to keep dealing with this pain.” She lowered her voice, “And, honestly, I don’t think I could take it if another person in my life chose a substance addiction over me.”
“Pixie, I love you. Thank you for your concern, but I’m fine. The pills help, and I think the pain is getting better a bit each day.” He hated lying to her, but he didn’t want her to worry. “I’m even going to start skipping some doses of the medication, wean down from the higher dosages. I’ll be here for you and the baby, no worries.”
**********
But skipping doses didn’t work. Without the medication he was grumpy, unfocused, and overwhelmed with pain. So he spaced the pills out as much as he could in hopes of saving them for as long as possible. But he knew the pills would be gone soon. He needed to get a new script. He contemplated this at lunch while sitting in the employee lounge.
“Hey, man, where’d you go when you broke your leg last year?” Kendrick tried to sound nonchalant while asking the question of one of his employees. The man’s name was Billy if he remembered correctly. He’d broken his leg in a nasty fall during a staff football game last year.
“Well, I was still living in Whitley, so I went to a local doctor there.” The man leaned in conspiratorially, “To tell you the truth, I still go over there from time to time. Let’s just say Dr. Smith doesn’t mind writing scripts for pretty much anything I ask for. He’s very generous in his prescribing if you know what I mean.”
Kendrick tried not to look pleased. He had only hoped to find a new doctor, never planned on finding one who was passing pills out like candy. Attempting to keep the excitement from his voice, he asked, “Yeah? What do you usually ask for?”
“Vicodin, oxy, anything I can get a nice little high from, you know?” The man seemed to register what he’d just said to his boss and had the presence of mind to at least look somewhat guilty. “I mean, not that I’m ever high at work. Just evenings and weekends, to take the edge off. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, man, I totally know w
hat you mean. People who haven’t been in pain just don’t get it.” Kendrick inwardly rolled his eyes. Had he lost all of his integrity stooping low enough to discuss pain pill highs with a man who logically shouldn’t even be his employee any longer? No, he just needed to get a few more pills so he could keep working and be there for Jay. If this round didn’t do the trick, he’d for sure look into that physical therapy.
“Hey man, here, let me give you a few extras.” The man rattled some pills in a bottle and tossed them at Kendrick. “And be sure to look up Dr. Smith in Whitley. Tell him Billy sent you, he’ll hook you up.”
“Uh, yeah man, thanks. Not sure I need to see him, but thanks for the suggestion.” Kendrick nodded at the man, shoved the pills in his pocket, and headed out of the room. Before he’d even reached his office, he had his phone out looking up the number to Dr. Smith in Whitley.
Chapter 16
He had an appointment with Dr. Smith scheduled for the end of the week. The sympathetic receptionist had worked him in the best she could, but it seemed Dr. Smith was an extremely popular guy. Until then, he would just have to space the pills the best he could. And hang out with his family and friends in hopes of keeping up appearances, when all he really wanted to do was hide in his room and shut out the world.
“Hey man, pause the game, I’ve got to piss.” Kendrick rolled his stiff shoulders, hoping the pain would stay at a dull ache and not rage to searing with the movement. He laid the controller down and headed toward the bathroom while Zach moved to the kitchen to get them each a drink and a bowl of chips.
Before leaving the bathroom, he glanced in the mirror. He’d not taken a good look at himself recently; he didn’t exactly like what he saw. Did he really look as disheveled and disconnected as he felt, or was that just his imagination.
For no other reason but nosiness, he opened the mirrored cabinet above the sink. It’s not really nosiness. I used to live here. Hell, I probably even left some of my stuff here.
He didn’t know why he felt the need to rationalize opening that cabinet, but the thoughts played through his head as he stared at the variety of items filling the shelves. Toothpaste, tweezers, hair gel, Band-Aids, pill bottle, mouthwash, floss, qtips. Pill bottle? The opaque orange called to him.
Doesn’t matter, it’s not yours. Probably not even pain medication anyway.
He scolded himself, but even as he thought the words, his hand slowly reached into the cabinet to turn the bottle slightly so he could see the label.
ZOEY MARTIN was written boldly on the sticker. Vicodin. The date on the bottle indicated it had been in the cabinet since Zoey’s attack out in California. The bottle was over half full. Zoey never really dealt with a lot of pain, but the doctor probably prescribed the medication for the bump to her head. She’s barely taken any of the pills. I bet she’s even forgotten they’re in here.
He grabbed the bottle, clutching it tightly in his hand.
Zach’s voice and the creak of the door registered a moment too late, and Kendrick looked up guiltily with the pill bottle still in his death grip.
“You okay, man? You’ve been in here forever.” Zach eyed the pill bottle then looked back up at Kendrick.
“Um, yeah, shit sorry about that. Um, it’s just that I forgot my prescription and the pain’s starting to get really bad. I was just looking to see if there was something in here I could take to lighten the worst of it for now.” He shook the bottle and tried to joke. “Looks like Zoey’s not using these. Think she’d mind if I borrowed one?”
“Oh, um, yeah. I guess that would be alright. She never really used those.” Zach stood at the door, waiting.
“Okay, thanks.” Kendrick reached for the door, pushing it shut as he spoke, “Just going to finish up in here. I’ll be in to kick your ass on that game in just a second.”
Confusion and worry flickered across Zach’s face, but he backed away from the door and headed back to the living room.
Feeling like a complete jackass, Kendrick quickly opened the bottle and poured a majority of the contents into his hand. Making sure there were some pills left, he replaced the lid and put it back in the cabinet. Plucking one from his hand, Kendrick looked disdainfully at the little white pill. Looks like a damn bullet. Like a bullet straight through the pain. My magic bullet to make everything better.
He pocketed the rest of the pills. Swallowing the pill with water from the sink, he gritted as it caught in his throat. Oh, guilt, you’re one tough bastard to swallow.
Returning to the living room, he drained the water Zach had gotten for him. He walked to the kitchen to grab a tall glass of milk before they finished the game.
**********
By the end of the week, things were looking up. Dr. Smith was true to Billy’s word and hooked him up with a month of pills, and included three months of refills.
“Hey man, thanks for the recommendation. Dr. Smith seems like a great guy. This pain just isn’t going away, so being able to get a new script was really helpful.” Kendrick nodded at Billy the next week in the lunch room.
“Yeah, and the mellow high isn’t half bad either, right?” Billy snorted.
“Nah, man, just need them for the pain.” Kendrick’s words sounded unconvincing even to his own ears.
“Whatever you need to tell yourself, man.” Billy winked. “Want some advice? If there’s ever a time when you’ve missed a dose and need a really quick shot, grind the pills up and snort them. Works within seconds.”
Kendrick stood staring at the man in disbelief. Was he really having a conversation about snorting pain pills with one of his employees? He should march his ass down to Decker’s office and turn Billy in for drug abuse. The Center+ ran a respectable family business, they didn’t need a drug user on staff. But, if you turn Billy into Decker you’ll have to admit to how you know Billy is doing drugs. And Billy will likely have no qualms about telling Decker you’ve visited Dr. Smith. If Decker fires Billy for drug use, he might as well fire you as well. Double-standards much?
Kendrick grimaced as Billy went on and on about snorting the pills. “Uh, yeah, great. I’ll keep that in mind.”
He left the lounge with a strange sense of relief. I wouldn’t actually snort the pills. It’s just good to know it’s an option, a last resort.
**********
A His and Her baby shower was being held for the entire family at Audrey and Jeremiah’s home. Kendrick kissed his mom’s cheek when they arrived.
“Mmmm, smells good in here, Momma. Whatcha cookin’?”
“Jay requested nachos and pretzels. The cheese and meat for the nachos are simmering, and the pretzels are baking. Everything should be ready for us to eat in about twenty minutes.” Audrey hugged Kendrick and Jay.
“Thank you so much for hosting the shower for us.” Jay had been touched when Katie and Zoey had offered to throw them a shower and Audrey had insisted they use her home.
“You know this group never turns down a chance to have a party. I think we’ll mingle, then eat, then games, gifts, and end with desserts if that’s alright with you guys. Head on into the living room. I was helping the girls with decorations, I think it looks great.” Audrey pushed them into the living room which was bright with every color of the rainbow.
“Oh my gosh, you guys! This looks fabulous!” Jay held both hands up to her face.
“Do you love it? We wanted to keep it gender-neutral but still be bright and colorful and fun. Here, you guys come over here and we’ll take some pictures.” Katie ushered them around the room to stand by the gifts, the cake, the food table.
When the pictures were done, Katie and Zoey left the room for a bit, and Jay turned to Kendrick with tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong, Pixie? Too much? You don’t like it?” He instantly brushed her tears away with his thumbs.
“No, no, it’s so very perfect. I’m just thinking about what could have been.”
He watched her as she searched for her words.
“I have nev
er felt as loved as I do when I’m with you and your family. And I almost took that away from myself and this baby because I was scared and selfish.” She sniffed her nose. “It’s just ironic that I thought this baby would be the end of my life as I knew it, but it turns out this baby was the beginning of a life I had only ever dreamed of having.”
She turned and looked directly into his eyes. “And the fact that you love and support me and our baby, even when we don’t know if it’s biologically yours…” She swallowed her tears. “You just blow me away every single day, Kendrick.”
He kissed her deeply before whispering in her ear, “Genetics be damned, this baby is mine. I will love, support, and protect the two of you until my dying day. Good times, bad times, highs and lows, laughter and tears…I’ll be beside you both through it all.”
He meant every word he spoke. And he knew he could keep those promises as long as he kept his head above water with work, the pain, the pills, and keeping up appearances.
The shower was complete and total hilarity as was usual with the Deckers, Jordans, Morgans, and Martins. After they had stuffed themselves on nachos and pretzels, they moved to the games. The men had to race to drink milk from bottles. Kendrick was disqualified when he took the lid off and chugged the milk.
The next game had teams trying to guess the contents of dirty baby diapers. Strained peas, some sort of pureed meat, and a melted chocolate bar brought the most laughter. Decker turned a little green around the gills when Katie suggested he sniff the diaper to figure out the substance.
