by A. D. Ellis
“That’s great, I’m so glad Bella is doing well. But I asked about you, Pixie. How are you?” Kendrick pressed at her.
“Don’t do this here, not now. I love you and miss you and want you back home. Can’t that be enough for now?” Jay spoke through gritted teeth.
“I love you and miss you too. There’s nothing I want more than to be back home. But if something is bothering you, I want to hear it.” Kendrick didn’t want to fight.
“Kendrick?” Dr. Parks’ voice sounded from the doorway. “Time is up. Let’s hold off on Jay’s feelings until our session tomorrow. It will be a good starting point.”
Kendrick backed down, and Jay’s shoulders slumped in relief.
“I love you, Pixie. Everything I’m doing in here is to get me back home to you and Bella. But I’ve gotta know, do I still have a home with you and Bella?” Kendrick felt the nausea building in his gut. If Jay didn’t want him in her and Bella’s life, he wasn’t sure if he could handle this recovery.
“You’ll always have a place with us if you want it, Kendrick. I just need more than one phone call to feel like things are all better.” Jay kissed her fingers and touched them to the screen. “I love you, Kendrick. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep well. And get yourself ready, late night diaper and feedings at 2:00 a.m. are a total bitch.” She smiled softly at him before disconnecting the call.
Blowing out a breath, Kendrick turned to the doctor. “Well, that went well, but I feel like it could have gone better.”
Dr. Parks smiled knowingly. “You and I can talk about it a little before Jay comes for her session with us tomorrow. For now, get some sleep.”
**********
“So you felt a little let down after talking to Jay last night. Tell me more about that.” Dr. Parks spoke quietly.
“I don’t know. I mean, it was great seeing her and my family, and seeing Bella was the best. But I guess I wasn’t ready for the coolness from Jay. I think I knew she’d be mad, but I was hoping…I don’t know. I guess I was just hoping for more…enthusiasm? I know it’s not fair of me to expect that from her, I just feel like she was distant.” Kendrick attempted to explain his jumbled feelings.
“Kendrick, Jay responded very much like I expected her to. She watched both of her parents choose drugs and alcohol over her until their deaths. You pushed her and the baby to the side, albeit for a very short time, in favor of drugs. She loves you, and she wants you in her and Bella’s life, but I’d have to assume she’s wary of letting you back in and losing you to the addiction again or even to the depression that was building before the accident. You need to give her some time. She likely feels bad saying how she’s feeling in light of you working so hard to get better, but you’ve got to let her have her fears and feelings and let her know you’re committed to her and Bella and to staying clean.”
“That makes sense. Maybe she needs to let go of some anger, punch me, scream, cry. I don’t want to push her to do that, but if that’s what she needs, I’ll be here for her. How do I prove to her that I’m not going to let the addiction and depression take over again? Hell, I don’t even know if I believe it myself when I say it.”
“You’ve got to show her. Each day that you aren’t high, each day you use your supports and techniques instead of turning to substances, you’ll show her you’re serious. It won’t all happen overnight. She watched her mom go through a couple rounds of rehab with no success from what you’ve told me. I’m sure part of her wants to believe you’ve kicked this, but her only experience with addiction screams otherwise.”
Dr. Parks looked at his watch. Smiling slightly at Kendrick, he shrugged. “I’ll deny it if you tell anyone this, but I may have set up the appointment a bit early so you and Jay could have some time together before we sit and talk. I hope you’re okay with that.”
“Hell yeah, I’m okay with that, Doc. Wait, you don’t mean time together like a conjugal visit do you? Gotta tell ya, as much as I’d like to make that happen, I’m afraid performance anxiety in a rehab facility is a real thing.”
Throwing his head back, laughing, Dr. Parks spoke jovially, “No, not a conjugal visit. I just thought you’d enjoy the extra time.”
As if on cue, a knock sounded at the office door.
Jay stood in the doorway, looking beautiful as always, but there was a tension in her face. In her arms she held…Bella.
Jerking his head toward the doctor, Kendrick looked questioningly at him. He wasn’t supposed to get visitors, Jay was only allowed here because of the session.
“What? I couldn’t take a nursing baby away from her mother, so Bella sort of had to come.” Dr. Parks winked and left the room.
Thirty minutes later, Dr. Parks came back to the office to find Jay curled up at Kendrick’s side, Bella sleeping on his chest, and Kendrick asleep with a smile on his face.
The clicking of the door woke both Kendrick and Jay, baby Bella stayed comfortably asleep on her daddy’s chest.
“If that’s not a picture of love, strength, and family, I don’t know what is.” Dr. Parks smiled at the couple. “Are you two ready to get started?”
Jay looked at Kendrick uncertainly. “I love you. Please don’t be angry at anything I say today.”
“Pixie, I’ve got to prove to you I’m trustworthy. It won’t happen today or tomorrow, but I’ll work at it every day of my life. You go ahead and say anything you need to say in here today. I’m strong enough to beat the pills; I’m strong enough to take your anger.” He leaned in and kissed her softly. “I love you, too.”
“Okay, Jay, last night you were frustrated when Kendrick pushed you to say how you’re doing. Let’s start with that.” Dr. Parks began.
Taking a deep breath, watching her daughter sleep in Kendrick’s arms, Jay spoke, “I feel bad for not trusting you, and I feel guilty for not being completely happy. But, if I’m being honest, I’m scared and angry. Scared you’ll pick the pills over us again. Angry that you picked them over us in the first place. Scared the next time I find you face down, it won’t be passed out, it will be dead. Angry that you were stupid enough to snort pills and risk taking yourself away from us.” She paused before taking a deep breath. “Scared that the only daddy Bella will ever know will turn out to be an addict like my own parents. Angry that you’ve been away, getting clean, while I’ve been walking the floor at 3:00 a.m. trying to soothe a crying baby.”
She closed her eyes as she finished. Kendrick’s pained expression turned to her.
“That’s good, Jay. Does it feel better to say all of that?” Dr. Parks asked.
“Yeah, it actually does. It’s like I was hiding it before, but now that’s it out there, I don’t feel so guilty about my feelings.” She smiled slightly.
Handing the baby to her, Kendrick knelt in front of her. Taking her free hand, he whispered fervently, “Jaymison, I’m so very sorry. I made terrible mistakes. I let the pills cloud my judgment, and I scared you with my actions. If you’ll let me, I’ll live every day for the rest of my life proving to you that I can be the man you fell in love with and a good father to Bella.” He stopped, afraid to offer her an out, scared if he gave her the option of leaving him she’d take it.
“Kendrick, you are so deep in my heart, I’m not sure I could ever leave you or your family. You are still the man I fell in love with, you just got a bit off track. And whether you’re Bella’s biological father or not, she will never know a time when she wasn’t loved by her daddy. I want to work this out; I truly believe we can. I just need you to know it won’t always be easy. I need more than empty words and promises; I need to see those promises in action.” She shifted on the seat, “I have some non-negotiables. We will keep seeing Dr. Parks, together. You will take a drug test at the drop of a hat if I ask for one. I will keep every single prescription and OTC medicine under lock and key. Neither of us will so much as take a Motrin without the other knowing about it and approving it. And we will talk to each other and our families constantly, sharing at all times if t
hings get rough.”
Kendrick smiled at his beautiful, spunky pixie. He knew she would hold him to each and every item she’d just listed, and possibly more, and he was more than okay with living by those rules.
“I can live with those.” He kissed her nose.
“How do I know I can trust him? Trust this to work?” Jay looked questioningly to Dr. Parks, but the man looked pointedly at Kendrick.
“Jay, I can’t say I’ll never screw up. I can’t promise perfect. There’s no guarantee I won’t relapse. But there’s also no guarantee about anything in life. We could give up on all of this because we’re scared of it not working. Or we can cling to each other and find ourselves blissfully happy twenty-five years from now because we gave it another chance.” Kendrick’s heart beat hard in his chest, waiting on Jay’s response.
“Yeah, okay. It may not be easy, but a wise man who sometimes makes bad choices once told me, ‘Bring it.’ So, yeah, bring it. Let’s do this.” Jay smiled at Kendrick, rolling her eyes when he held out a hand for a fist pump.
At the end of the session, Kendrick wiped tears away as he kissed Bella’s head one last time. “Bye-bye, Baby Bella. Daddy loves you. I’ll be home soon. I promise.”
Leaning in to kiss Jay, he deepened what started as a soft kiss, tracing his tongue along her lips, nipping a bit before breaking away. “You and I have a lot of time to make up for. Once you’ve got the all clear and I bust out of here, we’re calling Sawyer and Luke for a weekend of babysitting so we can lock ourselves in our room and not come out until neither of us can walk right.” He punctuated his little speech with a final kiss to her mouth while Jay snorted, and Dr. Parks attempted to hide a chuckle. “Don’t laugh, Pixie, that’s a promise.”
Chapter 24
Kendrick was counting down the days until he could sleep in his own bed. He’d been granted extra phone call privileges which allowed him to speak to his cousins, his parents, and Jay a few times a week.
Three days before heading home for good, he wouldn’t even let himself think about ever having to be back in rehab; he dialed Jay’s number from the desk phone in his room.
Confusion, worry, and anger danced in his spotty vision when a man’s voice answered, “Jay’s phone, she’s busy right now, may I take a message?”
Swallowing down his gut reaction to bark, “Who the fuck is this?” Kendrick gritted his teeth and took a quick cleansing breath.
“This is her boyfriend, Kendrick, may I ask who this is?” He felt proud he’d been able to keep both a quiver and a growl from his voice.
After a moment’s silence, the man spoke. “Kendrick. This is Tony.”
Tony’s steely voice held no friendliness. Never mind the fact the two of them had been intimate on more than one occasion, it was immediately clear to Kendrick that Tony was not happy with him.
“Tony, good to hear from you. Are you back in town for good or just to visit? How’s the friend and family in Chicago?” Kendrick knew he sounded pathetic, but he wasn’t sure just how much Jay had told Tony, so he erred on the side of caution.
“Just visiting. Aunt and Uncle are no better and no worse. Friend is now my husband.” Tony snorted much like the better conversations they’d had in the past, “Yeah, guess I’m a lot more gay than bi.” He paused. “So I came to visit, pick up a few things I’d left with friends, thought I’d look my Jay up and see how she was doing. Imagine my surprise when I find out she’s had a baby, is living with you, there’s a possibility the baby is mine, and you’re in fucking rehab for drugs.” He let the sentence hang.
“I’m clean now, Tony. I never meant to hurt her.” Kendrick’s voice sounded pleading and tight.
“How many people actually set out to purposefully hurt another person, Kendrick? Of course you didn’t mean to hurt her. But you did. Now she’s on her own, with a fatherless baby, and a bleak future.” Tony snapped.
“Whoa, hold up. She’s not on her own. She has me and my entire family to support her. Bella isn’t fatherless. I don’t care if you or someone else is the father, I will be in that baby’s life for as long as Jay will allow it. And her future is not bleak. She has a place at The Café. I have a stable job; she can do anything she wants with her life. If I have my way, she’ll be home with Bella and the rest of our babies as my wife as soon as possible.” Kendrick paused, taking a deep breath to calm the anger and volume of his voice.
“We had the paternity test run today. Should hear back in a day or two. I’ll be staying with her until we get the results. Either way, father or not, I’m offering to take Jay and Bella with me to Chicago. My husband and I have a fabulous place just outside the city. He works from home, and my interior design has really picked up. Jay and Bella would want for nothing. She can do the hair stylist thing, tend bar, take up a new hobby, or sit on the couch and watch Sesame Street every damn day for all I care. But she’ll be safe and happy with me, away from you.”
Feeling as if he’d been punched in the gut, Kendrick doubled over, fighting against the nausea and panic threatening to take over.
Closing his eyes, breathing deeply, he tried to center himself.
“Does Jay know about this plan?” If she chose to leave with Tony, he’d have no choice but to let her go. Unless Bella was really his. Then he’d fight her tooth and nail.
“I haven’t told her yet. We spent most of today talking and playing with Bella. She asked me to move her back into her place from Katie’s house. Tonight will be the first night she’s here on her own, but I’ll be here for the next couple nights.” He stopped momentarily. “Listen, Kendrick, I’m not trying to hurt you. I know Jay loves you, and if she chooses you, then so be it. But that girl was my best friend for quite a while; we got each other through some rough times. I love her in my own way. I want her safe and happy. If that means getting away from you and Torey Hope, she’ll always have a place with me.”
“Why would she need to be away from me or my family? We love her and Bella with our entire hearts.” Kendrick asked defensively.
“You wrecked her, forced her to live through a nightmare, left her on her own with a brand new baby. She may decide it’s just too much.” Tony didn’t sound like he completely believed what he was saying.
“Cut the dramatic act, Tony. Jay is a big girl. Even without me or my family, she could raise Bella with one hand tied behind her back. She can make her own choices, but I don’t think running with you to Chicago is going to be one of them.”
Kendrick was quiet for a moment. “What will you do if the baby is yours?” He didn’t want to know, but he had to.
Taking a deep breath, Tony sighed. “If Bella is mine, I’ll try even harder to convince Jay to move to Chicago. If she won’t, then I’ll be making a lot of trips to Torey Hope to see my baby girl.”
Kendrick was silent, fears assaulting his heart.
“Can you tell Jay I called and I love her, please?” Kendrick’s voice was barely a whisper.
“Yeah, I’ll tell her.” Tony’s voice had softened a bit. “Kendrick, I hate what you did to her, but even through all of the hell you put her through, I’ve never seen her look happier, brighter, more in love.”
“I love her more than life itself, man.”
“Yeah, I know.” Tony paused again. “Hey, Kendrick?”
“Yeah?”
“Bella looks just like her daddy.”
And with that, the man hung up.
Now what the hell was that supposed to mean? Was Tony rubbing it in Kendrick’s face that Bella wasn’t his? Fuck. He needed to get home, needed to hold Jay and Bella. He needed to know if Tony was going to take them away.
**********
“Oh yes, just like that. So good. Harder, harder.”
“Mmm, Jay, you feel so good. Ride me baby.”
“Tony!”
“Yeah, Jay, I’m right here baby. You and me and Bella, we’re a family.”
Kendrick sat bolt upright in bed. Wiping sweat from his eyes, he took giant gulps of air.
Just a dream. Fucking nightmare more like it. But not real.
He looked around his room. He was going home the next day. Home. To Jay and Bella? Or to an empty place with just his memories of them?
He called Decker.
“Man, if Jay doesn’t want me at her place or she decides to go to Chicago with Tony, can I move back in the house with you guys?” Kendrick ran a hand down his face, sighing heavily.
“Kendrick? You okay? Why would Jay not want you at her place? She was excited to get settled back in there in time for your homecoming. And why would she leave with Tony?”
He heard Decker shuffle the blankets and sit up, “Wait, is Bella Tony’s? Is that why you think Jay may leave?”
“I don’t know if she’s Tony’s, but Tony wants Jay to move to Chicago to live with him and his husband. I know it’s a long shot of Bella actually being mine, but she’s already mine in my heart, and I don’t know what I’d do if Jay left for Chicago.”
Kendrick flopped back down on his bed, absentmindedly glancing at the clock. 2:00 a.m.? “Fuck, Decker, I’m sorry. I woke from a bad dream and didn’t even think about the time.”
“Don’t worry about it. Do you want Katie and me to be over there tomorrow when you get home? We can have the whole crew there.”
“Yeah, man, that would be great. It can either be a celebration homecoming or a going away party for Jay and Bella.” Kendrick snorted before the tears caught in his throat. “Deck, what am I going to do if I lose them?”
“Don’t worry about that now. You need to get some sleep so you’re in good shape to come home. We’ll be there to meet you tomorrow, the whole crew, and we’ll figure out what’s going on then. Try to get some sleep and not worry.” Decker paused and Kendrick heard Katie mumble something near the phone. “Katie says to let you know Jay is very much in love with you, not with Tony, and she’d be crazy to leave Torey Hope and our family.” Decker lowered his voice, “Of course, I think she said all of that in her sleep, so she likely won’t remember it in the morning. But she’s right. If Jay was going to leave, she would have done it when the pills first started. She’s waited for you, supported you, gone to therapy with you. She’s not going anywhere.”
