For the first time in my life, I was aware of how self-conscious I was about how different I am.
Saige glanced at my hamburger, mostly uneaten, then back at me and wrinkled her nose. I noticed she had a few light freckles across the bridge of her cheeks, and I wanted to touch them. I had no idea why. I’d never wanted to touch anyone before.
I didn’t have any freckles or moles or sunspots. I assumed I was too young for the sun to have damaged my skin enough to cause anything like that.
“You were really going to put ketchup on that?” she asked.
I heard Cade snort and wanted to kick him underneath the table but chose to ignore him instead.
“I like ketchup,” I protested. But what I was really thinking was, Great. Even my taste buds aren’t normal. It had never bothered me when Cade gave me a hard time about my peculiar eating habits, but for some reason, I didn’t like that Saige thought it was weird, too. She probably thought I was weird now.
I secretly vowed never to eat ketchup on my bleu cheese burgers again.
But Saige just shrugged and handed me the ketchup bottle. “I like to turn leftover macaroni and cheese into a sandwich.”
“And that’s so gross,” her friend chimed in.
I set the ketchup bottle on the table. “I’m not even sure how that would work,” I admitted. “Wouldn’t it all fall out?”
Saige shook her head and some of those chestnut ringlets fell around her face. “Not with the right kind of bread. You have to get something you can make a pocket with. Or put it in a Panini press.”
“I’ve asked you to stop using my Panini press for that shit,” her friend exclaimed. “In fact, I want it back.”
Saige waved her off. “Don’t you have anything better to do than eavesdrop on my conversation?”
“We could sit somewhere else,” I offered, and immediately wondered if that were the wrong thing to say, too. Why would she want to leave her friend to sit with me?
But Saige shot her friend a defiant look and picked up her tray and untouched burger. I followed her silently to a different table because I was certain now I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Without Cade around, how would I know every time I said something terribly inappropriate and stupid?
As Saige set her tray down, she glanced back at me. I carried my own tray in my left hand, which meant the inside of my forearm was turned upward, and she spotted the black and blue mark right away.
Goddamn it.
“Cool tattoo,” she said. “What is it?”
I set my tray down and turned my arm around to hide it. My mind raced with possible lies. It didn’t even resemble anything.
“I’m not sure,” I finally said. “I was drunk when I got it. I don’t even remember what it was supposed to be.”
She smiled at me as she sat down. “You can get something to cover it or have it removed if you don’t like it.”
She had no idea how badly I wished I could have it removed.
“It’s not a big deal,” I lied again. I tried to think of anything we could talk about where I wouldn’t have to lie all the time. “What do you do?” I asked.
“Graphic design,” she answered. “And you?”
And me? How could I answer that without more lies? I pretended to concentrate on shaking salt over my fries and avoided her eyes as she watched me.
“Military,” I told her. That wasn’t technically a lie, was it?
“Oh, I’ve had a few friends in the Army. What branch?”
“Navy.” I bit my lip and wished Cade were around to redirect this conversation. He was good at getting people away from topics he didn’t want to discuss.
“Well, considering where I live, you’re not the first Navy man I’ve met either,” she said, reaching across the table with an open hand. I put the saltshaker in it and for a brief moment, my fingers grazed across her palm, and something new and pleasurable tingled against my skin. I pulled my hand back and lowered my eyes again.
“You’re awfully shy, aren’t you?” she asked.
I just nodded. “Never been really good with people. Guess I’m just socially awkward.”
At least that was true.
“Ok,” Saige said, and the tone of her voice made me lift my eyes again. I didn’t know what it meant, but I liked the sound of it. “I guess I’ll just have to take the lead here.”
I finally smiled back at her and told her, “Well, thank God, because otherwise, this was going to be the longest lunch of your life.”
Saige laughed and shook her head. “I somehow doubt that, Drake. But lucky for you, I don’t mind going after something I want.”
My cheeks felt warmer again, but this time, I didn’t look away from her. I understood she meant she wanted me, and I already knew I wanted her, too. I only had to figure out how to hide what I am from her because how could a woman so perfect, so beautiful and funny and fascinating, ever learn to accept a man who wasn’t a man, a person who wasn’t even human?
I could hide it, I told myself. I could pretend I was normal and she’d never have to know. I could learn how to act like other guys and I could pass myself off as almost human. I could never have children, but I wasn’t the only person who was infertile. And maybe it wouldn’t matter anyway.
All I knew at that moment was that I’d finally met someone who made me feel like I’d always believed I should feel, who made me question whether or not I was so different after all. And I wanted to touch her and talk to her and smell her and kiss her and be with her as long as she would let me.
So I didn’t think about the ramifications of allowing her into my life, of the repercussions of allowing anyone into my world that was closely controlled by a small group of men at The Genesis Project. All I could think at the time was how completely she could transform my life, so I told her, “Lucky for us both you’re a hell of a lot more capable than I am of going after what you want. I just hope I don’t prove to be a huge disappointment.”
Saige smiled slyly at me and shook her head. “I doubt that, Drake. But since you’re taking me out to dinner tomorrow night, we’ll have a chance to find out.”
Some warning in the back of my mind echoed that I should stop this now – for her sake, just stop it. But I’d never wanted to ignore a voice so badly in my life. “I’m already looking forward to tomorrow night then,” I said instead.
And that voice just sighed, a fatalistic sound that should have made me get up and leave right then, but I stayed.
And we would both eventually pay the price.
Chapter 4
“Drake, I am not having the birds and the bees talk with you,” Cade teased.
I flipped him off and tossed a long-sleeved shirt on my bed. It was summer, but at least with long sleeves, I could easily hide that mark on my arm I despised so much.
“Irrelevant anyway,” I muttered. “I’m pretty sure that’s a reference to reproduction, and I can’t reproduce.”
Cade sighed and I glanced at him. He fidgeted with my lamp, pulling the light string a few times before he asked me, “But you can… you know.”
I blinked at him then sighed, too. “Have sex? Why wouldn’t I be able to?”
Cade shrugged. “In five years, this is the first woman you’ve shown any interest in. I just thought maybe they’d forgotten to… hook things up properly.”
I snorted and disappeared into my closet again. “Everything’s hooked up properly. They intentionally made sure I didn’t produce sperm so I couldn’t get anyone pregnant. Passing on my DNA would be a giveaway that I’m not human.”
I heard Cade walking across my bedroom floor then his tall frame filled my closet doorway. “I’ll admit: I don’t understand how all of this genetic engineering shit works, but if they had to make sure you couldn’t knock up some chick, then you potentially have the genes to create a new person, and that sure as hell sounds like you must be human to me.”
I’d forgotten why I’d entered my closet in the first place and stared stupidly at the
row of shirts in front of me. I was so nervous about my date with Saige that evening, nothing seemed to be working right anymore, even my memory, which had never failed me before.
“There are a lot of animals out there that are closely related and can reproduce with each other. That’s how we get weird animals like ligers, you know,” I insisted.
“So now you’re some sort of hybrid?” he asked. He sounded as exasperated as I felt.
I shrugged and turned around. Why the hell had I come in here?
“Sort of,” I said. “We don’t have anything in nature to compare me to, so that’s the best I can do.”
Shoes? Pants? An invisible doorway to transport me anywhere else so I could get out of this conversation?
I shook my head. Cade had already told me exactly how to dress for the restaurant Saige and I were going to. Maybe I didn’t even have a reason for being in here.
Cade grunted at me and backed away from the door. “What the hell are you looking for?”
“I don’t actually know,” I admitted.
“God, you can be so pathetic,” he joked. “Get out of there and open the bag I brought you. And if you have any questions… use Google.”
I groaned because I didn’t need to open the bag to know what he’d brought me. “Cade, it’s our first date. I don’t need condoms.”
“If she invites you into her apartment tonight and you’re condomless, that’s your own damn fault.”
I crossed my arms stubbornly but my eyes flickered to the bag he’d tossed on my bed. “I heal much faster than humans. I’ve never even been sick. I’m not sure I even need them.”
“You’re such a dumbass,” Cade sighed. “She’s almost certainly been taught never to have unprotected sex. Then what are you going to do? Tell her you’re some hybrid so she doesn’t need to worry about getting knocked up or catching some infection from you?”
I shuffled my weight uneasily because I’d been thinking about what I would eventually tell her ever since I left the hamburger place yesterday. I looked like I was almost thirty, and yet, I was a virgin. I’d never even kissed anyone. She’d have to know the truth – there was no way to hide my inexperience. But how would I explain it?
“Cade,” I said quietly.
“Dude, I already told you I’m not explaining how to put one on,” he warned.
I flipped him off again then bit my lip nervously. “What do I tell her? How am I supposed to explain that I’ve never been in a relationship before? At my age, that’s beyond weird, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s beyond weird,” Cade agreed. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his sandy blonde hair. “I guess what you tell her depends on what you’re hoping will happen with this girl. And knowing you, I can’t imagine you’re just looking for someone to hook up with for a while.”
I shook my head to indicate he was right.
“You have all those computer chips in your brain. Use them,” Cade suggested. “Read up on some religion with overly strict rules about people’s sexuality then claim you recently left your church and are just now ready to start dating or some shit like that.”
“I already told her I’m in the Navy,” I countered. “What kind of religion places a higher emphasis on sexual promiscuity than potentially killing other people?”
Cade rolled his eyes at me and exclaimed, “All of them, Drake!”
“You people have really fucked up priorities,” I told him.
Cade pointed to my laptop and ordered, “Read. And call me tomorrow to let me know how your date went.”
I sighed as I grabbed my laptop and sank onto my bed to read about different religions, but I was only doing it because he’d ordered me to and the guys back at The Genesis Project had turned that goddamned program back on that forced me to obey him. I searched my mental catalog of religions and Googled Mormonism and it seemed to fit well enough – an emphasis on serving one’s country and abstaining from sexual relationships before marriage – but I simply couldn’t imagine telling Saige this had been my past.
Maybe it was my own atheism. After all, I hadn’t been programmed to believe in a higher power.
But I’d technically listened to Cade. I’d read about a religion that met his requirements, which meant I could close my laptop and get ready for my date with the most beautiful woman I’d ever met.
I spent a long time standing in my bathroom in front of the mirror and tugging at my left sleeve. The mark was in the middle of my forearm. She couldn’t possibly see it by accident. The buttons around my wrist kept my sleeve from moving, but I knew that mark was there, and I knew what hid beneath it.
That mark was a portal to the part of me that kept me from being even sort-of human, that would forever separate me from men like Cade, that would forever remind me I had no business with a woman like Saige anyway.
I ran my fingers up my arm until it rested over the mark. I knew exactly where it was. I didn’t need to see it. I pushed on my arm until I could feel the hard piece of metal beneath my fingertips. It bit into the nerves in my forearm, but I didn’t let go until that annoying buzzing in my mind made me stop.
They always knew when I pushed on it like that, and they always made me stop.
I turned off the light in the bathroom and slammed my apartment door as I left.
I drove across the city to Saige’s apartment in a newly renovated warehouse district. I’d only been to this part of the city once before, but Cade knew it pretty well because he’d dated a woman who lived around here for a while. That’s how he knew the restaurant Saige had recommended. I’d looked it up online and the only thing I learned about it was that they served Italian food.
And I was pretty sure I shouldn’t request ketchup no matter what I ordered.
I parked on the street in front of her apartment and found her door. I rubbed my palms against my pants. How could I be so nervous? I knocked quickly before I could change my mind and run back to my car where I’d drive straight back to The Genesis Project and insist they figure out how to erase my memories. At least the memories of the past twenty-four hours.
Saige opened her door and offered me that sly smile again. “You clean up well, Drake.”
I looked down at my clothes and smiled back at her. “I flipped a coin. It was this or my Tar Heel sweatpants.”
Saige arched an eyebrow at me and crossed her arms. I watched them fold over the perfect curvature of her breasts, and for the first time, discovered I actually had an opinion on the shape of women’s breasts. I imagined hers must be perfect, much like everything else about her: not too big or too small. They would fit perfectly in the palm of my hand, and as I stood awkwardly in her hallway, I wondered what it would feel like to run my fingers over her nipples, to gently squeeze that soft mound of…
“Drake,” she said, and I lifted my eyes and had another sudden wish: that these goddamn chips could make me disappear. “First of all, UNC? Honey, this is Virginia. That’s grounds for expulsion. I get you guys are stationed here from all over the country, but you’ve got to blend in with the locals. It’s a state law.”
“Not a state law. Or a federal one. But no more UNC talk.”
Please please please forget I was fantasizing about your breasts.
“And secondly,” she said, and my own internal voice sighed, Goddamn it. “I’m going to pretend you were temporarily mesmerized by how hot I look in this red lace sheath dress.”
I had no idea what a sheath dress was, but she did look amazingly hot in whatever kind of dress she was wearing. Saige grabbed her purse from a table by her door and flipped off her light switch, and I tried not to look at her body again or the way this sheath dress hugged every curve.
I took a deep breath and realized just how long this night was going to be.
At least once we were sitting at our table in the restaurant, I could distract myself with menus and unwrapping my napkin then rerolling it around the silverware. Saige just watched me curiously and every time I got bra
ve enough to lift my eyes in her direction, she’d smile at me and I’d lose whatever momentary courage I’d managed to scrape up from the bottom of my hollow stomach. That had to be why it was so queasy, right?
After taking our drink orders, the waiter disappeared and I caught her smiling at me again. “You really are bad at this, aren’t you?”
I nodded seriously. “Did I do anything yesterday to give you the impression I was only joking?”
She snickered and shrugged at me. Even the small, round shape of her shoulders seemed perfect to me. Through the lace of her dress, I could faintly make out the pale shade of her skin and I wondered if her shoulders had the same scattered freckles like her cheekbones. My mind had already begun to imagine taking that dress off of her to find out, and when I realized I was once again getting aroused while sitting in a crowded restaurant and she probably knew I was fantasizing about her, I just tossed the napkin and silverware on the table and seriously considered calling the date off.
“So what gives?” she asked. “Most guys like you I’ve met can hardly contain their egos.”
“Like me?” I interrupted. How could she possibly have known anyone like me?
Saige sat back in her chair and waved her hand toward me. “Like you. Come on, Drake, you’re going to tell me you don’t even realize how hot you are? I’m pretty sure even our waiter is checking you out.”
I glanced back toward our waiter and caught him averting his gaze, pretending to talk to another member of the wait staff. “Could be you,” I insisted.
Saige gave me that same smile and shook her head. “Your innocence is both a little weird and a little charming.”
“I think I prefer charming, although admittedly, I’m really just weird.”
“Maybe you’re both,” she teased.
“This kind of thing drives Cade crazy. He’d probably insist on getting a different waiter. So is it weird that I just don’t care?”
Genesis Rising (The Genesis Project Book 1) Page 3
