And as much as I hated myself for it, I was the one to pull away this time. At first, it had simply been a startled reaction but when I realized that any kind of intimacy beyond kissing would allow her to see that goddamn port on my arm, I became completely torn between not caring and still caring far too much.
“Sorry,” she said gently. “It’s so easy to forget this is all new to you. I’m not trying to rush you, I promise.”
I bit my lip and ran my fingers through my hair. How could I possibly salvage this now? I didn’t think I could so I decided to just tell her the truth. “Saige, I’ve never felt this way. I’m crazy about you. But I’m so self-conscious about everything because I want you to like me and I sure as hell don’t want you to realize what a tremendous loser I am.”
Saige laughed and shook her head. “Drake, you’re not a loser. You’ve taken a different path than most people but that doesn’t make your experiences bad, just different. And I obviously already like you or you wouldn’t be sitting in my apartment.”
Despite some of my fumbling on our second date, it still turned out to be the best night of my life so far. Nothing else really happened – nothing different anyway. We talked for a long time and before leaving at almost three in the morning, I kissed her again. And some part of me felt awakened and lightened. I left feeling elated but not really understanding why, other than I knew even then how much I was falling for this woman and that my life couldn’t possibly ever be the same again.
I was almost home before I realized I felt differently now because for the first time, I’d felt hope.
Cade sat across from me in my living room listening disinterestedly to me recite a series of numbers as he followed along on the same device he’d been given five years ago. It was one of many periodic checks to make sure I still received directives whole and intact. When I finished, he pushed the same key he always pushed to send a signal back to the Project that their expensive experiment functioned normally then slipped the control back into his pocket.
We’d been back for a week and he still hadn’t mentioned anything about Phillips’ accusation that he hated having me around as well, and I’d grown tired of waiting so I reminded him.
Cade blinked at me then sighed. “Drake, I didn’t trust you when I first met you. It took some time to get used to you and figure out you’re a lot more normal than others think.”
I snorted and arched an eyebrow at him. “You think I’m normal? Are you drunk again?”
“Not yet,” Cade retorted. “Normal might be too strong a word, but I think if those guys at the Project just left you alone, you could be.”
I gaped at him because I didn’t know how to respond. He thought I could be normal? Virtually indistinguishable from other humans? People who had been born and had mothers and fathers and no chips inside their bodies to control their behaviors?
Cade got tired of me gaping at him and told me to knock it off. He turned on my television and began flipping through the channels, but I couldn’t forget the seed he’d planted in my mind.
Perhaps it was possible that if only I could somehow escape their control, I could have my own life. Saige and I could have a life.
But how the hell was I supposed to escape a corporation and a government that had no intention of losing their most sophisticated experiment?
When Viktor Frankenstein died at the end of Mary Shelley’s novel, his Creature mourned the loss of his Creator and vowed to kill himself for causing the scientist’s death. But The Genesis Project didn’t see me as a deformed and hideous monster. And I didn’t see them as a pseudo-parent whose approval I wanted.
If I could end their enterprise, I wouldn’t mourn them.
I wouldn’t mourn Parker’s death.
I couldn’t kill him – they’d made sure of that – but as Cade kept flipping channels trying to find anything worth watching, I realized I wanted to.
And my desire to purchase my freedom at any cost caused the hope that had ignited within me to burn a little brighter.
Chapter 7
Saige sat beside me on the sofa, her arms wrapped around my waist, her body pressed against mine, and her face leaning against my chest. I couldn’t imagine how she could hear the movie over the thundering of my heart. I had my arm around her – my right arm since I always made sure to sit on the left side of the sofa so she’d have to stay on my right – and even if I didn’t feel deafened by my own heartbeat, I couldn’t concentrate on the movie anyway.
I was pretty sure I was about to find out if it were possible to die of horniness.
We’d been dating for several weeks now, and I loved the solitude of her apartment, the comfort of only having us there. And while we kissed each other on every date, it had never progressed beyond kissing. Saige had assured me in the beginning she would never pressure me or try to rush our relationship, and she’d kept her word.
I’d only known her for a month, but a new feeling had crept up on me. I hadn’t been sure what it could be at first, although I had my suspicions. By that evening when I sat on her sofa pretending to watch Captain America, which Saige claimed she’d picked out because she thought I looked like the actor only with darker hair, I’d decided my original hunch had been correct: I loved her.
I couldn’t even remember what was happening in the movie when she lifted her head and kissed me. And I certainly had no idea how long we’d been kissing before I realized she’d slipped her hand beneath my shirt. I caught my breath as her fingers lightly grazed my abdomen and because I was clearly suffering from an inability to think anymore, when she pushed my shirt higher to take it off, I let her.
She sat back from me and pulled her shirt off as well, which didn’t help the not-breathing or the not-thinking. I’d twisted on the sofa to face her but before I could kiss her again, she tilted her head and furrowed her brow at my arm, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
“Such a strange tattoo,” she murmured, reaching out to touch it, but as soon as her fingertips touched my skin, I jerked away from her.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I felt like I said that a lot.
She glanced at my arm again then back at me. “It’s all right,” she said quietly. I could tell by the tone of her voice it wasn’t all right. “I did promise you, and I shouldn’t have…”
“No,” I interrupted. “It’s not about me being scared, Saige. I just…” I swallowed and looked at that goddamned mark on my arm and wished again I had some way to make it disappear forever. But it wasn’t even ink and I was afraid if she touched it, she’d feel the truth of my deception.
I took a deep breath and could think of nothing else except more lies. “It’s really painful. They botched it badly and it’s always hurt, which is the real reason I’ve never had it covered by something else.”
“Oh,” Saige breathed. “God, Drake, I’m so sorry. Even a doctor can’t do something?”
I shook my head as I scrambled for more words, more stories to add to the kindling beneath my feet. “No one I can afford. It’s cosmetic so insurance won’t cover it, and lasers won’t do a thing for scar tissue. The few plastic surgeons I talked to thought we’d likely make it worse if we tried surgery.”
Saige looked at my arm again and exhaled angrily. “If it’s causing you pain, then it’s no longer cosmetic! What kind of fucked up insurance do you have?”
“Military, remember?”
Saige’s features softened and she scooted closer to me again. She believed me but instead of feeling relieved, I felt unbelievably guilty. It was a good thing I didn’t believe in a Hell because otherwise, I’d have just earned my place there.
Saige kissed me again then brought her lips to my ear and whispered, “Do you want to go into my bedroom?”
“I’d like to,” I admitted, “but if you even whisper in my ear like that again, this will be over before it starts, and then I’ll either die from the humiliation or you’ll just never invite me into your bedroom again. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame
you.”
Saige laughed and I smiled despite the fact that I hadn’t been joking and I still thought either possibility had an equally good chance of occurring. But when she laughed, I couldn’t not smile. Her laughter lit up my world.
She took my hand and pulled me from the sofa and I followed her into her room.
She turned the lamp on beside her bed then faced me again and said, “I’m not going to ruin this by telling you why you don’t have to worry about never getting invited back here or that no matter what, I’d never judge you. So just know that you don’t have to be nervous, Drake. No matter what, I’d never judge you.”
My face seemed to get warmer and I had to avert my eyes. She’d never judge the man she thought I was, but I’d spent the past month lying to her about what I am, creating a life for myself that had never existed. Saige must have mistaken my reaction for embarrassment because she put her arms around my neck and kissed me, and I didn’t stop her. I didn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t tell her the man she was falling in love with didn’t exist.
She unclasped her hands from behind me and ran her fingers along my chest and down my abdomen, letting her fingernails drag gently against my skin. I moaned softly against her lips and if I’d believed in a higher power, I would have prayed to it to at least give me the chance to make love to her. Of course I knew it wasn’t an all or nothing deal, but I didn’t want to wait. I wanted her right now. I had to know what it felt like to be inside her, to move against her warm body, to have her legs wrapped around me as I thrust into her over and over.
Just thinking about it made me pull away from her so I could try to regain some control over myself.
Saige smiled at me again but didn’t let me get too far from her. She unbuckled my jeans and pushed them off my hips so I pulled at her clothes until everything we’d worn lay scattered on the floor. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me toward her and I lowered myself slowly over her body, kissing her neck and shoulders and chest. She was absolutely perfect. I ran my fingers gently over the scattered light freckles on her shoulders, and she slid closer beneath me, pressing her hips against mine.
“Make love to me now, Drake,” she whispered.
If it were possible for a heart to literally beat its way from a person’s chest, mine would have as she wrapped her legs around my waist and I slowly and carefully entered her. My mind went blank as pleasure, nothing but pleasure, washed through me and I held my breath. I couldn’t even move right away. I kissed her neck again and behind her ear and wondered if those distraction techniques actually worked. But I couldn’t seem to force myself to think about football or reciting the Pledge of Allegiance or some stupid shit like that because I was inside of her. How was I supposed to think about anything else?
But somehow, perhaps because I was a freak of nature, I managed not to orgasm before I even had the chance to make love to her.
I’d spent the past month reading about sex, too. I wanted to make Saige happy. I would have done anything for her. I guess there’s always a bit of selfishness involved in sex; after all, as I discovered that night, there absolutely was a reason every guy I knew couldn’t shut up about it. But nothing I read had prepared me for how I could feel. Nothing I’d experienced in my life could even come close. If such a thing as magic existed in this world, I’d found it with her.
Later that night, after she’d fallen asleep, I snuck out of her bed to grab my cellphone and slipped it under my pillow. I didn’t know how else I would be able to explain suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and having to leave if the Project decided to issue some order while I was here. In the morning, I would tell her I always slept with my phone on vibrate beneath my pillow.
What was one more lie after so many?
I put my left arm beneath my pillow and my right arm around her and fell asleep, and for once, I didn’t fixate on the problem of trying to figure out what I am. I simply closed my eyes and smiled.
“You didn’t come home last night,” Cade said with a knowing grin.
“Are you stalking me?” I asked.
Cade waved me off and interpreted that as an invitation to pry. “You’ve been dating this woman for like a year. It’s about damn time.”
“A month,” I corrected even though he already knew he’d been greatly exaggerating, “and there’s nothing wrong with making sure you actually like a person before sleeping with them.”
“Hey,” Cade protested, “I like every woman I sleep with. I like having sex, therefore, I like her.”
“That’s… incredibly bad logic.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my logic,” Cade insisted. “Unfortunately, I don’t have time to prove it. I have to see Admiral Borowitz.”
I flinched a little and tried not to drop the can of soda I’d just pulled out of my refrigerator for him. “Why?” I asked weakly.
Every time Cade got called in to see Borowitz, I got scared they’d pull him off his babysitting duty. I didn’t want anyone else responsible for me. I’d finally learned to trust him, and I even liked him now. He was the only friend I had, and someone like Ramirez could easily make my life Hell.
Cade grunted and took the can out of my hands. “I’ve been trying to get Ramirez reassigned, too. Thing is, I can’t go over the Admiral’s head and go straight to the Project without getting myself in deep shit, and he hasn’t actually done anything to warrant you reporting him to the Project. But I don’t trust that asshole.”
“Oh,” I breathed. I didn’t trust him either, but Cade was sticking his neck out for me, and for no other reason than he was trying to help me. I honestly didn’t know what else to say.
But Cade didn’t want me to make a big deal out of it because he immediately deflected. “I doubt anything will come out of it anyway, but it’s worth a shot.”
I nodded and eyed my own can of soda. “How long have they been calling me Frankenstein?”
Cade made some sort of croaking sound so I lifted my eyes and snickered. “It’s ok, Cade. I don’t mind. In some ways, it’s fitting although I’d like to think I’d never choose to murder innocent people.”
“Um… I’ve never read it. But the name’s been around as long as you have.”
I shrugged and set my can down and told him he could borrow my copy, even though I knew he rarely read anything without naked women in it or at the very least, cars he’d never be able to afford.
Cade groaned and shook his head. “I’ll watch the movie one of these days.”
“Not the same,” I countered. “They changed it from the novel quite a bit.”
“Dude, that novel’s over a hundred years old. I don’t get novels that old. The way people wrote… I feel like I need a fucking PhD to understand it.”
“I’ll find an abridged version for you then,” I offered.
Cade sighed and asked, “Do you have to?”
“Yes.”
“This is how you thank me for trying to help you?”
“Yes.”
“Remind me not to help you anymore.”
I smiled and he gave me funny look. “You’ve been doing that a lot more lately. In fact, I’d say a lot more over the past month.”
“Doing what? Annoying the hell out of you?”
“No,” Cade laughed. “You’ve always done that. I mean smiling. It’s almost like you’re happy.”
I shuffled my weight and studied my soda can again because even modern-day Frankensteins didn’t like talking about feelings with their friends. “I thought it was impossible, but I was wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her.”
“I’m pretty sure you are, too,” he agreed.
“What do you think they’ll do if they find out about us?”
Cade took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. For now, let’s just make sure they don’t find out, ok? And if they do, it’s easy enough to claim we had no reason to suspect we were supposed to mention anything about your love life.”
&n
bsp; I nodded at him but my chest felt tight and heavy like I couldn’t breathe. I’d thought, or maybe hoped, I’d only been overreacting in my paranoia about the Project discovering my relationship with Saige, but Cade obviously shared the same reservations. And I could no longer pretend my love for her was harmless.
But I couldn’t leave her either. For the first time in my life, I felt alive, and I couldn’t go back. I’d rather die than go back.
The problem remained, though, that it was no longer just my life I was gambling with.
Chapter 8
My apartment made me nervous. It wasn’t technically my apartment that made me nervous, but having Saige here and knowing the Project could easily find out about her if they were monitoring it or if someone stopped by. But Cade told me I couldn’t insist we never come here since she’d think I had a wife or something, so when she suggested we go back to my place after dinner, I’d agreed. And it didn’t take her long to figure out how anxious it made me.
I kept fidgeting with the can of Diet Coke I held in my hands, squeezing it and releasing it and making the aluminum pop, and she finally reached over and took the can away from me. “What’s up?” she asked.
What’s up? A bunch of assholes who work for the guy who created me might be watching this place, and if he decides he doesn’t want me to see you anymore, he’ll force me to break up with you. You’re cool with that though, right?
Instead of telling her that, I bit my lip and scrambled for another lie. I settled on a half-truth.
“My friend lives right down the hall. The guy your friend went out with,” I said. “And since he broke it off with her, I just think it won’t end well if you run into each other.”
Saige laughed and settled closer to me on the sofa. “That’s between them.”
Damn it. Now what?
“Just makes me uncomfortable,” I said. “Maybe we can stay here tonight but in the future, go back to your place?”
Genesis Rising (The Genesis Project Book 1) Page 6
