Muireann shook her head. "No, he never did. He went back to his old ways as soon as the ring was on my finger. I was horrified at first, of course, but at least it spared me any repulsive physical attentions," Muireann admitted with a ragged sigh.
"Thank God for that." Ciara crossed herself.
Muireann straightened her back and suddenly declared, "Come now, Ciara, it's been a long day for both of us. I think it's about time you headed back home and went to bed."
"You won't tell Lochlainn?" she demanded frantically.
She shook her head. "It is up to you to tell him. I just hope no one gossips about the baby before you get a chance to break the news to him gently. Sooner or later someone will let something slip. Even Christopher himself, out of spite. Or to give Lochlainn an excuse to attack him, try to kill him. He wants Lochlainn out of the way so he can take over here. Well, he can wish all he likes. He;s not going to outwit me."
"You will be careful, won't you, Muireann?"
She gave a wan smile. "I promise, I'll be careful for now, anyway, just until we get over this bad patch. I love Lochlainn, but he's very confused at the moment, what with Christopher coming back and everything else. If we're meant to be together, then that aspect of our lives can certainly keep for a few weeks."
Muireann escorted Ciara to her own door, then walked with a heavy tread back to the office, where she went straight into her small chamber and threw herself on the bed. God Almighty, what a nightmare all of this had suddenly become.
Damn Christopher to hell, and Augustine along with him, she thought resentfully.
And damn Lochlainn, for never having told her who he really was. Douglas Caldwell's son.
Was he simply yet another Caldwell man desperate to get his hands on her fortune, on Barnakilla, no matter what?
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
A tap at the door half an hour later signaled Lochlainn's inevitable arrival.
Muireann hastily jumped off the bed and tried to leave the bedchamber, ever conscious of her promise to Ciara and her own uneasiness over all that had been revealed that afternoon.
"Are you all right?" he demanded huskily, pulling her into his arms despite her efforts to resist.
"I'm fine. It's your sister who needs looking after," she replied, managing to extricate herself from his embrace.
She went into the study and poured herself a drop of the vile liquor in the decanter with shaking hands, then lifted Tadhg out of his basket onto her lap to stroke him nervously.
"I don't understand."
"Let's just say Ciara has had a lot of things on her mind recently. She misunderstood something I did and was upset. It's all sorted out now. Nothing for you to worry about on my account," Muireann lied, trying to smile brightly.
"But to fight with you! Ciara is usually so gentle! Has she lost her wits altogether?"
"No, she isn't mad, just upset, I told you," Muireann repeated patiently.
"Did she confide in you what was wrong with her?"
Muireann ignored the question, and lifted a ledger and pen. "Lochlainn, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
"What did she tell you?" he demanded.
"Nothing that need concern you now, I promise. Please, Lochlainn, I don't want to fight with you about this. I need to keep all my attention focused upon the farm business. Whatever is happening in Ciara's head will keep a little while longer."
Lochlainn looked at her carefully. "I'm sorry for our misunderstanding too. Can I come see you later, to explain?"
"No, it wouldn't be a good idea," Muireann said, glancing away from him.
"Why not?" Lochlainn asked, his expression reflecting true hurt.
"Er, you know," Muireann said evasively, blushing.
Lochlainn began to get the distinct feeling Muireann was lying to him, but he said nothing, merely scowled, and wondered jealously if this was the first telltale sign of Christopher taking over his position. It had been with Tara, at any rate, he recalled with disgust.
"All right then, I'm going home to Ciara," he said, staring at her lingeringly, making no move to leave.
Muireann nodded. "You do that. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night."
"Oh, and, er, Lochlainn?"
"Yes?" he said, his eyes lighting with hope.
"Just stay away from Christopher Caldwell, will you. He's an untrustworthy liar out to cause trouble for us all."
His brows knit. "You don't need to tell me that. I only wonder at you taking the trouble to warn me."
She met his gaze head on. "Because he's determined to cause trouble, but it's nothing I won't be able to handle with the help of a good solicitor. But the two of you have past tensions and difficulties between you. I just want to make sure he doesn't try to goad you into settling old scores. He knows you're my right hand man and that I would be lost without you. So please, no matter what he says or does, leave him to me and the magistrates."
He heaved a heavy sigh. "I'll tryy. But if I see him maul you again—"
"He won't. He's not welcome here. If you see him around here again, inform Colonel Lowry that he's trespassing. Am I clear?"
His jaw set, but he nodded. "Very well. As you so recently reminded me, you're the owner here, me a mere servant. So if that's all, Mrs. Caldwell, I'll bid you a good night."
He spun on his heel and left without another word.
Only when Lochlainn had gone did she release the breath she had seemed to be holding for ages. She put her head in her hands and wept.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Muireann was able to avoid Lochlainn for the next five days, but by the end of the week, he grew more and more persistent about trying to see her alone.
Ciara had taken a turn for the better, but all the same, Muireann was worried about her. She spent several nights with Ciara at the cottage, though it put more of a strain on Muireann because she had to see Lochlainn, and live in close proximity with him.
But Muireann could see Ciara's fearful looks every time Lochlainn displayed any affection towards her, or whenever she saw a child.
Muireann had a perfect excuse to avoid Lochlainn when Brona went into labor one night, and Muireann went to help out.
"I don't see why you should have to go!" Lochlainn protested, trailing after her as she gathered up fresh linens and a few things she would need for an overnight stay.
"I told you, if anyone needs me, I have to be available."
"I think you're trying to avoid me!" he accused suddenly, blocking her path.
"Don't be silly, I've been staying in your house for the past week," Muireann said evenly, trying to control her trembling voice.
"That's not what I mean and you know it. If you are going to marry Christopher, I think I deserve to be told!"
"Who said anything about marrying him?"
"He wants you. He's of your class!"
"As if those are sufficient reasons for marrying someone!" Muireann said impatiently, brushing past him to search for her cloak, which she had draped over the back of one of the chairs.
"Then he did ask you to marry him! I knew it!" Lochlainn rasped.
"Really, Lochlainn, the only reason I was nice to him was to determine whether or not he would be interested in buying Barnakilla to help us out of our difficulties."
Lochlainn glowered. "And is he? Or just interested in you?"
"He's even poorer than we are. And yes, he did ask me to marry him, because he's determined to get hold of this place for himself."
"He wants you, you mean!" Lochlainn sniped. "I knew it! He was after you from the moment he laid eyes on you."
Muireann sighed. "He goes after every woman, Lochlainn, you know that. But because of your old rivalry with him, you're being incredibly obtuse. The problem isn't his lust, it's his greed."
"What are you saying, then? He wants to marry you for your fortune? You haven't got one."
Muireann rolled her eyes heavenward, and sat on the edge of one of the chairs while he towered ove
r her. "Will you please listen? This is important. Christopher says I have no chance of success here unless I throw everyone too old, young, or sick off the land. I have repeatedly refused to do so. Therefore he thinks he's the person to save Barnakilla, though he's bankrupt himself. He has threatened that if I don't marry him, he will challenge my title to the estate, and see that he inherits instead, as the next closest in the family line."
He ground his teeth together. "The bastard! He can't do that, can he?"
She shrugged. "He can try. We both know we never found a proper will."
He sat down and put his elbows on the table, placing his head in his hands. "I suppose putting it like that, you haven't a choice, have you? Thank you for telling me. I'll start making other arrangements for myself and Ciara."
Muireann stared at him in horror. "You don't seriously expect me to agree to his, his blackmail do you?" she demanded incredulously. She was unable to believe he would give her up without a fight. Had he ever cared about her, or had it only been the estate all along?
"If he's threatened you with legal action, what other choice do you have?"
Muireann rounded on him angrily. "I would never consider marrying him, not if he were the last man on earth! You of all people should understand that! I thought you knew me. That you were my ally. I believed I could trust you! I'm not telling you this because I'm going to marry him, I'm telling you this, the way I warned you the other night, so you can be prepared, just as I'm trying to be with my record-keeping and working with the solictors to fend off any attack from him.
"He threatened that he'd start proceedings to claim himself as heir in two days. It's been five now. He doesn't have a lot of money, so he is probably having a hard time finding anyone willing to take the case, or anyone here in the local courts willing to give him credence. Whatever the reason, it just gives me more time to find other options for saving Barnakilla. But one thing is for certain. I'm not going to give up without a fight. These people are relying on me. I'm the only hope they have!"
"But if he succeeds in his bid, we'll have nothing, can't you see that?"
She rose up out of the chair to her full height and looked him straight in the eyes. "There are some sacrifices I'm not prepared to make. I won't even consider marrying him. I'm stunned that you'd accept the idea so easily! Has all the time we've spent together in the past year meant so little to you that you would let me go, let our home go, without a murmur of dissension?"
"It means everything to me, you know it does!" he said furiously, trying to grasp her hand.
"What does? What ‘it' are you referring to? Our relationship? Or Barnakilla?"
Lochlainn stared at her, stunned. "You shouldn't even have to ask that question."
Her lips thinned. "You're right, I shouldn't. But I need some answers now. You've just told me to marry Christopher to save the estate. Is that putting me ahead of Barnakilla? You never told me the whole truth about Tara. You never trusted me, did you? Not really. You always assumed I was going to leave you one day. Now you're practically driving me into Christopher's arms!
"Will you be happy once your prophecy is fulfilled? Will it make you feel better about yourself to know that you were right not to trust me all along, when you've driven me away?"
"No! of course not!"
"But what's even more unforgivable is the fact that you never told me who you were, not really. Did you drift into the relationship with me because you thought it would be the only way to get Barnakilla for yourself?"
Now it was his turn to sit on the ladder-backed chair and stare at her. "What on earth are you talking about?"
"I know you're Douglas Caldwell's illegitimate son! Ciara told me. So look me in the eye again, Lochlainn, and tell me that I mean more to you than Barnakilla! Go on, tell me!"
Lochlainn sat at the table in a welter of misery. At length he said, "All of it was too personal, too painful. I didn't want to discuss my family or Tara with you. I just wanted to put it behind me."
"But you never did put it behind you, did you?" she snapped, pacing the floor in front of him. "I saw how you used to look in Dublin, glum, a million miles away, locked in your own sorrow. But sorrow is a pretty poor companion, isn't it? You shut me out because of it, because you felt you couldn't trust me. And you still don't trust me now."
He stretched out a hand to her, pleading for her understanding. "I'm telling you, Muireann, it has nothing to do with trust. It hurt, that's all, and I didn't see the point in opening old wounds."
She clutched her arms against her body like a protective shield. "But you promised me the truth! Then you lied, not by commission but by omission. How can I ever trust you again? You've shut me out all these months. Even when we've lain in each other's arms, when you've been inside my body, there's always been a distance between us! I know you were hurt in the past by Douglas Caldwell and Tara, but I would have liked to have been given the chance to help. To be let in to share with you, the good and the bad. I know how painful those feelings can be."
"You? The fairy princess? How can you possibly know?" he sneered bitterly.
She put up one hand to stay his mockery. "Please don't start that again. You made it abundantly clear the other day what you think of me. I'm sorry I don't belong here. But if not here, then where do I belong? I certainly don't belong back in Scotland. Not after everything I've been through."
His rigid self-control snapped as he gazed into her amethyst eyes brimming with tears. "You belong here, in my arms, always." He pulled her to him, and captured her lips in an all-consuming kiss.
She pushed hard against his chest, and shoved him away. "But you've just told me to marry Christopher! How could you think I would ever even consider bowing to his threats! You don't know me at all, even after all this time!"
"You're right, I don't know you," he rasped. "I feel like you're a complete stranger to me at the moment! I can't even touch you without your shrinking away. I can see you've been avoiding me, keeping things from me, even about my own sister! I thought we agreed to be honest with each other. You have the nerve to demand the truth of me! But what about my getting the truth from you?
"If you aren't going to marry Christopher, and you know about my past, can't you try to forgive me? I know you're angry about my keeping things from you, but there seems to be more to it than that! You've practically run away from me for the past week. You've just shoved me away as though you loathe me. If you aren't in love with someone else, then tell me what I've done wrong."
Muireann felt herself weakening, and stepped closer to put her arm around his waist. "You're right, I'm angry and disappointed in you, and confused about this whole situation. I want to be able to trust you, and I'm sure I will be able to again in time. Please, my not being with you has nothing to do with what you have or haven't said or done."
"Then why are you doing this, keeping us apart?" he demanded in frustration.
"Because I'm afraid," she admitted at last.
"Afraid of what?"
"We've been careless, Lochlainn. I'm amazed I haven't fallen pregnant already."
"You're sure you're not now?" Lochlainn asked, disappointment and worry mingling on his handsome face.
She nodded wordlessly.
"But why now? It never troubled you before! Are you afraid of being tied down to me?"
"It's not the right time, with the Famine and everything else that has been happening. Please, Lochlainn, it isn't a reflection upon you, or the way I feel about you at all. It's to do with Christopher's threats, and the fact that we're slowly starving. I know things were terrible when we came here together last January, but at least I was certain of a roof over my head, and that I could work hard to keep this place.
"But if I do lose to Christopher, he will get the estate, and I shall have to start all over again elsewhere. It will be hard work, you know it will. I don't want to run the risk of carrying a baby in addition to everything else we might have to face."
"I see." He rubbed h
er back soothingly.
"In an odd way, I'm glad Christopher has come back. All of this has made me face the truth about us, clarified things for me. I know all about you and Tara now, and about your father. We've never talked about the future together, or our feelings. In fact, we've never really talked about our relationship. It's sort of taken place in a shadowy fantasy world we've created for ourselves in my little room." She raised her head to look him straight in the eyes.
"But I need to know what you see as our future together. Do we even have one, do you suppose? A few minutes ago you were telling me to marry Christopher in order to save Barnakilla."
Call Home the Heart Page 32
