by Julia Wolf
Even though I tried my hardest, I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I plodded out to the kitchen where Laurel was rushing around making her breakfast. She did a double take when she saw me.
“I’m having all kinds of shocks this morning. First, I saw that big hunk of a man sneaking out of your room when I was coming out of the bathroom and now you’re awake before 9:00 a.m. You people have to give me warning before doing something unexpected.”
“James was still here this morning?” I was surprised he’d stayed all night. I kind of thought he escaped when I fell asleep.
“You didn’t know?” she asked. “I was hoping his presence meant both of you had come to your senses and you’d gotten your man back.”
“Nope.” I took down a coffee cup and filled it to the brim from the pot Laurel had made. “Well, I should say I’m coming to my senses, but I have no idea how to convince James of that. He told me I wrecked him, L.” I leaned against the counter and sipped my hot coffee.
Laurel waved her hands around. “Wait a minute, I’m confused. Why the hell was James in your bed if you’re not getting back together?”
“I asked him to.” Just like I’d asked him to months ago when we had sex for the first time. He came to me, even when he wasn’t sure, when maybe he wasn’t even ready, because I’d asked. I didn’t know how many more times I could ask him and he’d come, but I felt like his yeses were running out.
“I feel like there’s a lot of story here I’m missing and I have to run out the door to work. Text me. I’m dying here.”
I smiled. “I’ll text you the details. But the biggest highlight is Eliza left the tool for good last night.”
“What? Oh my god, I hate you for telling me that when I have to rush to a meeting. You’re such a tease. But wow, I’m actually really shocked!” She picked up her travel mug full of coffee, a banana, her briefcase, and a tote bag.
“Have a good day, L. Think you’ll be home tonight? You look like you’re moving out with all those bags.” She’d been out most nights quite a bit lately, but she kept whatever was going on in her life a mystery. I thought she must be seeing someone she didn’t want me to know about, but she seemed happy, so I didn’t need to know if she didn’t want to tell me.
“I might be, we’ll see. You know how these lawyerly things go.”
I really didn’t.
“I’ll let you know either way, though. I feel bad you haven’t had a good home-cooked meal in a while.”
I laughed. “I know, I’ve been subsisting on apples, pretzels, and yogurt for the past week!”
“Poor you. I’ve got to take better care of my girl!” Laurel walked to the door and called back to me, “Don’t forget to text me!”
“I won’t, now get outta here!”
She laughed and closed the door behind her.
Since I still had a couple hours before I had to go to work, I decided to go for a run rather than mope around the apartment. I wasn’t a runner at all, so it was going to be more of a jaunty walk, but the effort is what counts, right?
I bundled up in compression leggings, a tank top with a hoodie on top, a hat, and fingerless gloves. I strapped my phone to my arm, put my earbuds in my ears, and turned on some Florence and The Machine—but not “Cosmic Love” because the streets of Baltimore did not need to see me crying at 8:00 a.m.
The morning was cold, but not bitter. I jogged slowly down the sidewalk, pretending I didn’t have a destination in mind, but unmistakably headed in the direction of James’ condo. I told myself it was okay if I ran by his building. It’s not like he’d ever know I was there. Besides, I wanted to run by the water, and his place just happened to be on the water, so it was his fault, really. I wasn’t actually convincing myself, though. I knew I wanted to see him again.
But when I ran by his building, of course he wasn’t outside. What were the chances of that anyway? It had been a silly thought, so I kept running, going faster and faster, dodging people on their way to work. I ran until my stomach ached and my legs and chest burned. I stopped in a doorway and bent over to catch my breath. This didn’t feel good. Why did people do this to themselves? I was going to stick to dancing and the occasional Barre class for cardio.
When I caught my breath, I studied my surroundings and realized I’d gone farther than I’d intended, probably a mile and a half. I started walking slowly back home, powering through my tired legs.
I was halfway home when I spotted a Starbucks, which I took as a sign that it was time for a pit stop. Today called for a dose of whipped cream, so I ordered a mocha and told the barista to give me double the usual topping. I collected my drink and took it with me on my journey home.
I was happily strolling along, alternating between taking sips of my hot drink and licking the airy cream off the top. I was so engrossed in the deliciousness, I didn’t pay any attention to where I was until I heard my name.
The first thing I saw when I looked up was the building—James’ building. Then I saw him headed toward me, just fifteen feet away. I would have run into him if he hadn’t said my name. Hell, he probably could have walked past me and I wouldn’t have noticed. Whipped cream is the devil.
I licked my lips. “Hi, James.”
He finally stood in front of me, a foot away. “Hi, Frannie.” He was dressed similarly to me, in workout clothes. He must have been coming home from the gym.
“You have something, just there…” He pointed to my mouth.
“Here?” I wiped the side of my mouth with my sleeve.
“No.” James reached out and rubbed his thumb along the corner of my lips. Last night I resisted, but today I was high on whipped cream and missing him, so I leaned into his hand. He left it there, his warm hand against my cold cheek, just for a moment before dropping it.
“I was running.” I gestured down at my clothes.
He chuckled and nodded to my cup. “Looks like it.”
“Hey! This is my reward. I ran farther than I planned, and I needed incentive to drag myself back home.”
James gave me a small smile and rubbed the back of his neck. “I have to go. Work, and…” He didn’t bother finishing his sentence. It seemed he just wanted to go, to be away from me.
“Yeah, I have to go get ready for work too. Thank you for last night. It really…helped. I slept better than I have for weeks. I know you didn’t want to be there, so I won’t ask you to do that again.”
He sighed. “Yeah. Okay, Frannie, see you later.” He walked quickly into his building before I could even say good bye.
After last night, I’d had a little bit of hope that maybe I could find a way to fix things. I threw my drink into a trash can I passed, the warm liquid splashing up as it fell. Even whipped cream wouldn’t help the knots in my stomach or the fissures in my heart.
Just before I got to my apartment building, my phone buzzed with a text.
I wasn’t asleep last night. I heard you.
And then.
Don’t run too far, Frannie.
I smiled shakily at my phone. Did he mean he’d heard me say I loved him? Did he mean he didn’t want me to run too far from him? I texted back.
I don’t want to run anymore. It sucks.
So don’t. This time I’m asking you to come with me.
I called him. I needed to hear him say that. My hands shook as it rang and rang. I knew he was by his phone, but he made me wait.
“Hi, Frannie,” he answered.
“Hi, James.” I cleared my throat. “Can we, um, can we have dinner?”
“Fuck, I want to, but I’m going out of town this afternoon.”
“Oh, well, that’s okay. It was just a thought. Have a good trip!” I tried to sound cheery, but I wanted to kick things.
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going out of town for a night and you’re giving up?”
I smiled to myself. He was going to make me work for it. Good. I should have to because I was the one who bro
ught us this deep and I was going to have to be the one to pull us back to the surface.
“James, I would love to have dinner with you. Or coffee. Or stand in front of your building again and talk to you. When are you free for any of the above?”
He chuckled. “God, how can I miss you so fucking much when I’m so angry with you?”
“I’ll take the anger. I’m just glad to know you still miss me.”
“The anger isn’t going to just go away, Frannie.”
“No, I know it isn’t. But will you see me? Can we talk? Even if it’s just for a few minutes. I’ll go wherever you want. I’ll come to you.”
I heard him exhaling through the phone. “I’ll be home tomorrow night. It’ll probably be late.”
“I’ll be there. Just text me and I’ll be there,” I said quickly.
“I will, Frannie.”
“Bye, James.”
“See you soon.”
I looked up and down the street with my mouth agape, to see if anyone had witnessed what just happened. But of course no one was paying attention to me. I channeled my inner Rachel and did a little Running Man right there on the busy sidewalk in the middle of Baltimore.
He was giving me a chance. I didn’t deserve it, and I had no idea what I would say, but I had a chance. Suddenly I wasn’t afraid, but determined—determined to convince James I wasn’t going to hurt him again, determined to be brave, and determined to not let my mother ruin yet another beautiful thing in my life.
I always said I don’t avoid, I confront. But I hadn’t been living by my own motto lately. That was done. The Frannie who hid under her blankets was being retired. Well, mostly. There was a day or two every month where most women I knew wanted to stay in bed. But otherwise, I was going to stop avoiding things when they got hard. I was going to confront them head-on. Talking to James wouldn’t be easy. Neither would regaining his trust. But being without him was infinitely harder.
I can do this, I thought. Maybe if I said it enough, it would be true. I don’t avoid, I confront.
Thirty
I was knee deep in Wikipedia when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Coffee?” Eliza offered.
I took the hot paper cup from her and inhaled a whiff. “Mmmm. I smell vanilla latte. Thanks, E.”
She sat down across from me at the small table in the break room and sipped from her cup. “You’ve been on that thing all day. What are you looking for?”
I put down my phone and blew out a frustrated breath. “I’m trying to figure out a way to win James back. Don’t worry about me, though. How are you doing?”
Eliza traced her fingertip around the lid of her coffee cup. “I actually had the best sleep I’ve had in years the last two nights. I’m surprised at how great I feel. I didn’t realize I was walking around constantly tense, but today my shoulders are loose, and I don’t have a headache.”
“Well, not having to carry around a one-hundred-seventy-pound tool bag anymore would be freeing.”
Eliza giggled. “Oh my god, Frannie!”
“I’m just saying what we’re all thinking!” I gestured around the otherwise empty room.
Eliza laughed harder and I smiled at my friend. I hadn’t seen her laugh like that in a long time.
“I’m happy for you, E. I can’t believe you stayed with him so long, but I’m happy you’re out.”
“I can’t believe it either. And one day I’ll tell you about all the reasons and excuses I had, but today isn’t the day. I just want to focus on the fact that I’m done with him and will never have to see him again.”
“I’ll be here to listen when you’re ready. I’ll also nominate myself to plan a girl’s night out to celebrate your freedom when you’re ready for that too.”
“I knew I could count on you for both. A Frannie night out sounds epic. Just give me a couple weeks to get in that headspace and I’m there in sequins,” Eliza said.
“Sequins? You’re speaking my love language!” I held my hand up and we high fived.
“Speaking of love, when are you going to see James?”
“I hope tonight. He said he’d let me know when he’s home.” I’d been thinking all day, researching and Googling on my phone and now I had a plan of what to say, but I was nervous about his reaction.
“What made you change your mind? When we were at Rachel’s house, you seemed solid in your decision.”
I shrugged. “Not one thing in particular, although my dance teacher kind of kicked my ass a little. I’ve had way too much time to think and if anything, the hurt is only getting worse. I haven’t saved myself from any pain. I’ve only inflicted it on both of us. I want him, E. I’m not used to wanting and it’s terrifying, but I still want him.”
She squeezed my hand. “Then you should have him.”
“If he still wants me…”
“I saw him watching you that night. I saw the desperate look in his eyes when you were going after Edward. He wants you,” Eliza said firmly.
“I hope so.”
Rebekah stuck her head through the doorway. “Frannie, your next client is here!”
I held my hand up. “Thanks, I’ll be out in a minute.”
We both stood up and I put my arms out. Eliza laughed and moved into my embrace.
“Love you,” I said.
“Love you too, Frannie.” She stepped away and pushed my shoulder playfully. “Now get to work before your boss fires you!”
I laughed. “I’m going, I’m going!”
After work I went home to an empty apartment. I was disappointed Laurel wasn’t there, mostly because I missed her company, but also because I hadn’t been exaggerating about my poor diet. I’d gotten so used to her cooking, I’d forgotten how to fend for myself.
It was cold and windy out, so it felt like a soup kind of day. I heated up a can on the stove—not the microwave, because I was cooking!—and made a slice of toast from Laurel’s delicious million grain bread.
I ate slowly, trying to fill the empty expanse of evening in front of me. I didn’t know what time James would call, or if he would at all. So, I ate my soup one tiny spoonful at a time, then when I was finished, I hand washed the bowl and utensil. Neither had ever been so clean when I was through with them.
It was only eight and I knew I couldn’t sit still long enough to watch a movie or TV show, so I cleaned. I vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed the bathroom, changed my sheets and when I was finished, I hung up my picture. My meticulous mother would have been proud of my spotless apartment. Actually, she would have come in, found a hidden dust bunny, and told me I was a slob. I shook my head. No. I would not allow her to poison my thoughts.
By 10:00 p.m. I admitted to myself James wasn’t going to call. I flopped down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. I told myself it didn’t matter, he must have gotten delayed, he’d call tomorrow. I wasn’t very convincing, though.
I flipped through the channels on the TV and settled on my old standby, The Real Housewives. If I was still a crazy mess when I was fifty, I was going to apply to be on the show. By then, they’d probably have a Real Housewives in Baltimore, so I wouldn’t even have to move. Yeah, I was getting tired and a little delirious, so I let my eyes close, just for a little rest.
Boom, Boom, Boom!
I sat up on the couch, startled out of a dream. I looked at my phone. Shit, it was one in the morning and someone was banging on my door.
Boom, Boom, Boom!
I looked at my phone again to see if Laurel had texted to say she was locked out. I did have a text, but it wasn’t from her.
Frannie, I’m at your door.
“James?” I called through the door.
“It’s me,” he replied, his voice muffled. I threw the door open and there he was, taking up almost the entire frame.
“James.” I blinked at him, trying to decide if he was real or if I was still dreaming.
“Frannie.” He rubbed his chin and his eyes wandered my face and disheveled hair. “Fuck,
you were sleeping, weren’t you? I’ll go.”
I grabbed his hand as he started to turn. “Oh no, you don’t. Get in here.” I pulled him inside the apartment and closed the door. “I was waiting for you. I just drifted off for a minute.”
He stood in the entryway and looked around as though he hadn’t been there in years.
“Come in, come sit down,” I said.
James nodded absently and took off his shoes, then followed me to the living room. He sat down first, so I sat next to him, probably closer than he wanted. He didn’t try to move away, though, so I took that as a good sign.
“Sorry I didn’t get here sooner. My plane was delayed, and I should have called, but honestly I didn’t want you to tell me not to come.” He didn’t look at me when he spoke, so I tugged his beard until he turned his head.
“I would have waited all night. There’s no way I would have told you not to come.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said softly. “So, you weren’t sleeping, huh?”
He shook his head and his lips curved up into a microscopic smile. “Not quite.”
“You heard me?”
“I did.”
“So, you know I love you?” The butterflies in my stomach had formed a fight club and were currently duking it out for the world heavyweight title.
“Do you?”
I slipped my hand in his. “I do. I love you, James. So much. Like a ridiculous amount.”
“When did you figure that out?”
I chewed on my bottom lip for a minute. James wasn’t cracking or showing any emotion. He was waiting for me to come to him. “When you told me about your computers and your office. I fell in love with you then, but it had been happening for a long time. It just hit me right in the face that I loved you. Like big, all caps LOVED you. And you don’t have to say anything. I know I screwed up and you’re probably done with me, but fuck, James, I love you.”
James scrubbed his face with his hand. “Frannie…why’d you do it then?”
“I was scared. I grew up thinking love was a monster. My mother told me she loved me, but treated me like an extension of her that was never good enough. My father loved her at one time, but for most of my life, he cheated and lied. I don’t think he ever loved me or my brother.”
