Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “It’s not good, Jim. You should sit.” I owed him the truth. He deserved it.

  “I don’t want to sit, I want to know what’s going on with my daughter. Just tell us already.”

  “She fractured her skull right here.” I touched right behind Jim’s ear. I wasn’t going to sugar coat it. “Most likely from the blunt force of hitting her head against the cement wall or from the accelerated speed of the downward fall on the stairs. But that’s not the most worrisome finding—it’s the widespread brain swelling that’s the issue right now. It’s why she’s not waking up, the reason she’s in the coma. We need to get the swelling down to minimize the risk of long-term damage. The swelling prevents oxygen from perfusing the brain, and without oxygen, the tissue is at risk of dying.”

  “Oh no, not our Lili.” Sharon cried and slapped a hand over her mouth. They were finally grasping the magnitude of Lili’s injuries. “She’s gonna wake up, right? Say she’s gonna wake up.”

  “We’re moving as fast as we can, and time is on our side since the accident happened in the hospital. We started some IV medications to reduce some of the swelling. But it might not be enough, we might have to make some tough decisions...”

  We. Shit. What if Jim wasn’t on board with what needed to be done? Adam was right. Jim was technically her next of kin. His support was imperative when I made the most crucial decision of my life.

  I’d given this exact speech to distraught families more times than I cared to remember. At least it wasn’t the speech going on downstairs. Fuck, that could have been Blue. My heart ached; it fucking ached.

  “Do what you need to do, Chase, I trust you. Lili trusts you.” His words sucker punched my gut. Lili trusts you. “Just save my babydoll.” Jim pulled his wife tighter to his side as his own tears pooled. Jim Porter just left his daughter’s life completely in my hands. FUCK. That was his blessing. Do what you need to do.

  I swiped my ID card and walked into the ICU. A nurse led me to Lili’s glass encased room. She looked so small and peaceful lying there, my girl. Just like she did every sunrise when I left her dreaming. But the scene was all fucking wrong. She wasn’t curled in a naked ball under our soft sheets. She was propped flat on her back in a sterile blue hospital gown. And I didn’t need to tuck her brown curls away to kiss the tip of her nose because the fucking white bandage around her head kept her blood-soaked hair tied back. And her face didn’t look like perfect porcelain, instead her raccoon eyes were ten times darker than when I found her at the bottom of the stairs. And she wasn’t in our warm bed that smelled like sex, she was in a cold intensive care unit that reeked of fucking Lysol. Worst of all, she wasn’t soundly sleeping. She was in a fucking coma.

  I scooted a chair against her bed. I wanted to be closer. Hell, I wanted to climb in. I needed a minute alone with her, a minute to explain. She needed to hear this from me. I promised her truth. Always. A promise I broke once and wasn’t going to do again.

  I held her small hand against my face, maneuvering her IV tubing out of the way. The rhythm of the monitors filled the silence. I closed my eyes and did something I hadn’t done in eighteen years. Prayed.

  The last time I prayed, I was in a sterile room similar to this. But it was my sister lying in the bed. I remember lifting her paralyzed eyelids. She was awake. Pure anguish and nothing but an empty darkness haunted her lifeless eyes. After being abandoned by her family for three long years and trapped in her own fucking mind while schizophrenic maniacs raped her, with no hope of escape … I only had to ask once. She was my twin, my other half, and her tears were answer enough. If hell was my destiny, so be it. My selfishness put her there; I was willing to sacrifice eternity to set her free. It was like closing a curtain over a mirror when I shut her eyes. Her light was gone. There was nothing but darkness. It is time to close your eyes. My world went dark too.

  Eyes clenched, head bowed, a serious fucking prayer. Not for Kimi, because she was pure, innocent and heaven called her by her first name. But selfishly, I prayed for myself, for my own salvation. Then I hummed. Our favorite song. A song that Kimi and I played a million times while we sat in the sand with the sun at our backs and the wind in our hair. The crash of the ocean waves created a constant rhythm as we strummed our guitars. Music was our happy place. One last time.

  I never expected forgiveness, nor did I deserve it. The harsh truth was I made the decision and deserved to carry the burden of guilt. The harsher truth was I would do it again for my sister in a fucking heartbeat.

  So after that day, I made a solemn vow and permanently marked myself as a reminder. First do no harm. That was going to be my truth.

  A lifetime later, I was ready to pray again.

  “I’m sorry, baby, but this is my truth.” I kissed her open palm. “Now I need a simple promise from you. I need you to wake up. Please, baby, I can’t breathe without you.”

  “Ahem, Dr. Colton, I’m Dr. Quinn Finley from OB. I can come back…”

  Shit, I thought I asked for no interruptions. I lifted my gaze from Lili’s face to see a slender woman with long blonde hair standing in the doorway, looking entirely too chipper for my liking.

  “No, it’s fine, call me Chase.” Enough with fucking formalities.

  “Dr. Gupta filled me in, I’d like to do an ultrasound as soon as possible. Is now a good time?”

  I nodded.

  A few short minutes later the tiny fluid-filled sac appeared on the screen. Our baby. The small white flicker contrasted against the black image. I brought Lili’s hand to my lips and held it there. She would have loved this. This was all fucking wrong. I should have been wiping away those sweet happy tears, not holding her comatose hand.

  “By gestational sac and fetal pole, she’s about six weeks. But even this early, I usually like to see a faster heartbeat. It may have just started beating and that’s why it’s a bit slower. We will just have to wait and see.”

  Wait and fucking see.

  “We will scan her again in a day or so and reevaluate the strength.” She unplugged the portable ultrasound and neatly tucked Blue under the blanket. Her face was somber. “I wish I had more to tell you.”

  Me too.

  Now I was left with a decision. I walked out toward the ICU nurses’ station and saw my team waiting. They all looked distraught.

  “Chase, man, I just heard, what the fuck?” Jack shook his head. “I can’t believe that asshole, fucking strung out on his own anesthesia meds.”

  “How is she?” Guy asked.

  “Same. She needs the KimCore. Got to get this swelling down if she has a fucking chance of waking up ... intact.” They knew exactly what I meant. Coming out of a coma after a traumatic brain injury was one thing, but waking up without residual damage to deal with for the rest of your life was another fucking matter completely. “Get the sterile tray set up, I’m doing it.” I waited for the whole conflict of interest bullshit to come up, but it didn’t. My team knew better.

  “No problem. I’m on it.” Guy rolled in the cart holding the small pump that regulated temperature and the packaged cooling catheter and tubing. The unit I spent eighteen hours a day working on to develop. The unit that might have given my sister a fucking chance if it had existed the night of her accident. Kimi’s unit. I rubbed the burn behind my sternum. I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

  “Chase, you okay?”

  “No.” I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be until my girl was awake and smiling again.

  Her groin was prepped and draped and I placed my fingers over her pulse. Her pulse was my lifeline. It was our connection. We were perfectly synced. There was no way I was going to let this pulse stop beating.

  The tiny catheter slid easily into position and the cool liquid infiltrated her system. I hated that only time would tell. I sunk into the chair that became my new home and did the only thing I could. I waited. And I prayed.

  Hours turned into days. People came and went, but I never budged. Kate and Leanne, my driver Pete, e
ven her security buddies and her fucking cart guy came to show their support. I wasn’t surprised. Blue was selfless. She accepted everyone, no questions asked. She listened and never judged. These people fucking loved her. She loved them just the same. She was pure sweet in every sense of the word. And she was mine.

  I ate, slept and showered, never leaving the tenth floor. Asher showed up a day after the attack and parked his ass by my side. If it weren’t for him, I’d be in the same scrubs, eating fucking saltines. He was my only connection to the outside world.

  Forty-eight hours passed in a fucking blur. “Chase, it’s time to pull the catheter. She’s completely rewarmed.” Guy pulled me from my groggy state. I lifted my heavy head from her bed; no more words were spoken.

  Guy and Sam rounded to the other side of her bed and hesitated. My residents were waiting for the go-ahead. I nodded and rubbed Lili’s hand. It no longer felt like ice. Guy folded the blanket over, uncovering her bare groin. Fuck, I hated how exposed she was. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch.

  It was an agonizingly slow five seconds.

  Sam finally spoke. “You want us to sandbag the area?” I snapped my eyes open and nailed him with my answer. Was this kid fucking kidding me? “It’s okay ... um … we’ll hold pressure.” Sam sounded embarrassed.

  Yes, you fucking will, do I ever fucking sandbag anyone?

  Thirty-five minutes later, Sam hadn’t moved. The kid was a fucking statue holding pressure over the spot where the catheter was removed. His face was the color of a beet and his eyes never dared to stray from the ceiling tiles, avoiding her nakedness under his white knuckled grip. Good kid.

  The sun set behind the glass window, only the night sky illuminated the small room. Time was irrelevant. I hummed her favorite song. Our song. I wouldn’t give up on her, on us. It didn’t matter how long; I would never give up on her coming back to me. God knows we’re worth it.

  “Chase.” I heard that voice too many times in my dreams to count. I had to be fucking delirious. “Dr. Handsome.” The death grip I had around her fingers tightened, but it wasn’t my force squeezing. I was scared to lift my head and open my eyes. Too many times my dreams had vanished when I woke up to my nightmare. “Chase…” It was low and broken, but it was her voice. In this very moment my nightmare ended and my dream became a reality. I breathed for the first time in two fucking days, a deep fucking breath. The hot tears that I struggled to keep bottled up since I found her lifeless body poured like a faucet. Her trembling hand tried to ruffle my hair, and I buried my face deeper into her side. I couldn’t get close enough.

  “Hey, you ... you’re scaring me. Chase, look at me.” Her voice was so fucking frail, just above a whisper. She sounded like an angel.

  My girl was back. Her crystal glass blue eyes were open. Heavy and drug-laden, but open. She was wide awake and asking me to look at her. Her face was still swollen, her bruising now black. She was gorgeous.

  I caressed her cheeks and showered her perfect face with gentle kisses. “You came back to me. Fuck baby, I love you so much, so much.” Never again would an hour pass without her hearing how much I loved her.

  “Chase, what ... why are you-”

  “I know you’re confused, baby, it’s normal. But you’re awake, you’re talking and you’re mine. Sweet fuck. Christ, I could have lost you.”

  “Hey ... you didn’t lose me. I’m right here with you.” She couldn’t really lift her head from the pillow but weakly pulled my face to hers and kissed my nose. Fuck, if I hadn’t done that to her sweet face a million times. It was the softest, sweetest kiss. Her warm lips were my heaven.

  Then a shadow crossed her face. “I remember … Chase, I remember everything. The stairwell, CJ ... he was … oh my god, it was Jennings ... and then I fell. My head … it hurts so bad.” She cringed and clenched her eyes while she attempted to grab the back of her head.

  “Baby, don’t touch, you have a nice sized gash back there. We’ll get you some more pain meds. We didn’t want to give you too much that you couldn’t wake up.” Shit, I could only imagine how fucking bad her head hurt.

  “What about poor Kate, is she okay? Oh god, did he do something to her?” My selfless girl had her head bashed in by a fucking lunatic, was in a coma for two days, had so much brain swelling she needed to have her body temperature dropped so low she almost shivered off the fucking bed, and she was worried about her girlfriend. I loved this woman.

  “Kate’s fine. Don’t worry about her. And Jennings, he’s a fucking drug addict rotting in a jail cell. He won’t hurt you or anyone else again.”

  “Sierra ... and the baby? Oh god, she’s gonna be worried about me. It can’t be good for the baby.”

  “Shhh. Sierra’s fine too. She’s actually downstairs on labor and delivery. She broke her water this morning. Otherwise, she’d probably still be up here driving me fucking crazy. Looks like you woke up just in time. You’re gonna be an aunt sometime tonight.”

  “This morning, what ... wait, what day is it?” Her brows shot up in confusion.

  “Wednesday night, baby. You’ve been in a coma.” Damn. I hated the panic on her face.

  “A coma? What? Did my dad know? Oh god.” She was still worried about everyone else. Pure fucking sweet.

  “It’s okay, baby, look at me. Everyone knows. Everyone’s been here patiently waiting for you to wake up.” I smiled for the first time in days. Fuck, it felt so good. I pressed the call button and told the ICU nurse she was awake and to get her morphine drip ready.

  “I sent your dad and Sharon back to my place a few hours ago. They needed some sleep—they haven’t left your side. They were exhausted, but they’ll want to hear your voice. Let me get them on the phone. You okay to talk?”

  She nodded.

  While she talked to her dad, I texted Dodd and Asher.

  AWAKE!

  My girl looked so weak, pale and battered talking on the phone, but she was talking. It was the best fucking sight in the world. She hung up and smiled at me, nothing but love in her eyes.

  She wasn’t going to rest peacefully until everyone was accounted for, so before she asked, I gave her the rundown. “Dodd texted back. Sierra just got her epidural. He’ll keep us in the loop and have her call once she’s comfortable. Just so you know, she hasn’t stopped bawling since she found out you’re awake.”

  “She’s never gonna let me live this one down. Poor Dodd.” She half smiled. “Was she that bad?”

  “Put it this way, baby, I finally figured out the whole Asspuck name. She’s ... a lot ... and be glad you’re not down there. Dodd basically made it sound like he has been doing nothing but wiping fluids ... fluids dripping from too many orifices.”

  “Ow, don’t make me laugh.” She winced in pain when she chuckled. But she laughed. She was awake and laughing.

  “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve pictured your beautiful smile?”

  She bit her bottom lip and did that thing where her smile goes a little crooked, driving me crazy. So fucking sweet. “Careful, baby, that’s the face that puts me over the edge. And I need you better. We have plans. Lots of plans, involving some quality healing time at the Cape ... naked.”

  She groaned and coaxed me to come closer to her frail body. Her arms and legs freely moved. Thank fucking god.

  I climbed into the way too small bed, and she curled against my chest. She was so thin, her ribs pressed against me and I felt her heartbeat. The best feeling. Then she wiggled her left hand in the air.

  “I’ll make you a deal, me naked ... for a lifetime with you.”

  Fuck, yes. Was she implying what I fucking hoped? If this was a dream, fucking leave me in it.

  “Are you saying you’re ready, Blue? Because I’ll marry you tomorrow, baby, truth.” Truth. No sooner did the word come out of my mouth, I knew I had to tell her. If she was going to promise me forever, she deserved to know. She deserved truth. “There’s something else I need to tell you, baby. Something you need to know before
you can promise me forever.”

  “Let me guess.” She coughed and winced in pain, but she was still smiling. “You don’t know the first thing about hockey, do you, Dr. Know-it-all?” Her smile never wavered, but the look she gave me said something completely different. She was giving me an out. And her blue eyes were begging me to take it. Battered and weak, she was trying to protect my sorry ass. No more.

  “Hate the fucking game, but you already knew that, baby ... but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need you to listen, Blue. I need you to know what I’ve done ... who I am.”

  “Shh-shh.” Her finger covered my lips. “You listen. I know all I need to know. I know you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life as yours. Yours. Whatever you have to say, whatever you may have done, isn’t going to change that. Ever. I’m not blind, Chase, I see it. I still see the pain in your eyes. I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. And when you’re ready, you’ll tell me. When you’re ready. Not for me, but for you. You waited for me; I’ll wait for you. We have forever.”

  The knock on the door interrupted the sweetest, gentlest kiss of my life.

  “Hi Lili. I’m Dr. Finley. It’s awesome to see you awake.” She was still too fucking chipper, given the fact that forty-eight hours ago she was concerned about the viability of our baby. Fuck. The baby Lili had no clue about yet.

  I sighed, slid off her bed and kissed the tip of her nose. Now or never. I would have done anything to shield her from more pain, but she needed to hear this from me. This was too fucking cruel. “Baby, there’s more, but I need you to be strong. Dr. Finley is an OBGYN, she’s here to check you out.”

  Her smile fucking vanished..

  “OB?” she whispered. “I’m pregnant? Or are you telling me I was pregnant?” Her voice was so small and broken. I fucking hated myself. I wished I had more time to explain. It didn’t help that Chipper was in the room ready to chime in.

  “Lili, you’re very early on, about six weeks. The baby has been through a lot, so we need to do an ultrasound to see where things stand.”