It almost eclipses the pain of losing Beckett. I feel like I’m mourning two people now, because Nova … She’s not here. It’s like she’s in a far-off land and only her body has been left behind.
I tried getting her to open up in the beginning, but she lashed out or didn’t speak at all. Now if she does speak to me it’s usually one word and I have to ask a question first.
I gave her my heart years ago, and I never want it back, but she’s squeezing it too tight so no oxygen reaches it, and if she doesn’t let go it’s going to kill me.
“I made breakfast,” I say, waiting for a sign of life from her.
After a moment she looks away from her computer. “Okay.”
And back to the computer screen she goes.
I sigh. It’s like it pains her to look at me and she can only take it in small doses.
“We need to pack up the nursery.”
She winces. “I know.”
I sigh. “I need you to help me so I know what to keep.”
She shakes her head. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” I implore. “Surely you want something?”
“No.” She slams her laptop closed.
She gets up and starts heading for the door.
“Where are you going?” I ask, but I already know.
“Away.”
By away, she means for a walk.
The door closes behind her with a soft click. That soft click is merely a reminder of how quiet she is now, how there’s no life to her.
I head to the window that opens onto the fire escape and sit down outside, letting my legs dangle over the edge, waiting for her to exit the building.
Sometimes I follow her on her walks, worried about her safety, but she doesn’t know I’m there. Or if she does, she doesn’t acknowledge my presence.
I don’t go today, giving her the time she needs alone. Today, is a hard day for her, for both of us. This was Beckett’s due date.
I pull out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I haven’t smoked in years, but after Beckett died and Nova shut down, I bought a pack. I haven’t smoked one yet, but it feels good having them. If I want one, it’s there.
Nova steps out of the building and tilts her head to the sky, her eyes closed. Her hair is in a long ponytail and it blows slightly in the wind. She inhales a breath and lowers her head. She turns left and starts walking toward the park.
I watch her until she leaves my sight. I know I should go back into the apartment, find something to busy myself, but I keep sitting there, and I know I’ll stay there until she gets back.
Nova
It’s hot, well above ninety, but there’s a breeze so it’s not entirely miserable.
I walk through the park, my thoughts going round and round.
I want things to be different. I don’t want to feel the way I do. But it can’t be helped and it’s not getting any better.
It’s been two months and the only thing I feel is emptiness.
I’m worried no one, and nothing, can fill the void that lives inside me now.
Jace … God, he tries. He tries so hard to make me happy, to be there, but the problem is I don’t want him to be there. I want to not be reminded constantly of what we lost, and Jace is definitely a constant reminder.
People tried to tell me in the beginning I could have another baby. I’m healthy and there’s nothing wrong with me, but it was the worst thing they could say. I don’t want another baby. I want Beckett.
It’s his due date today. I don’t know if Jace remembers, he hasn’t said anything, but I’m sure he does. He’s not the type to forget something like that.
I sit down on a bench, beneath the shade of a tree.
A runner passes by, her breaths heavy and her feet thudding against the pavement.
A couple comes next, holding hands and blissfully happy.
Then a mother with a stroller.
And on and on the people pass by, smiles on their faces, enjoying the beautiful summer day. Yet, here I am, sitting alone, and miserable.
I pull out my phone, staring at the blank screen and take a deep breath.
I need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere new and unfamiliar, where there aren’t reminders of what my life used to be like before all this.
Nova: Can I crash on your couch?
The reply comes almost instantaneously.
Owen: You’re in the city?
Nova: Not yet but I’m thinking of coming.
Owen: Yeah, sure. You can crash with me. The place is small, but it’s decent.
Owen: I know I didn’t contact you after you told me. I guess I was shocked. But I’m really sorry.
I inhale a breath.
Nova: It’s okay.
Owen: When are you coming?
Nova: As soon as I can.
Owen: Give me the details and I’ll pick you up.
Nova: Okay. Thank you.
Owen: You know I’d do anything for you.
“I know,” I whisper, though he’s not there to hear it.
I open my web browser and search for the quickest flight out. I find one in four hours and I take it. It gives me enough time to pack some clothes and get to the airport.
I tuck my phone away and start the lonely walk back to the apartment.
I look up as I get there and spot Jace’s feet dangling from the fire escape.
I close my eyes.
He’s going to hate me for this.
He should. You’ve done nothing but push him away and now you’re leaving. The final act of betrayal. He’ll never love you after this.
I swallow thickly.
How can he love me, when I don’t even love myself? I have to learn to love myself again. I have to do this.
I step into the lobby of the building in a daze and take the elevator up.
I’m terrified to tell him—worried he’ll try to change my mind.
But I know there’s nothing he can do or say that’ll make a difference.
I knock on the door and wait.
He opens the door and looks at me quizzically. “Did you forget your key?”
I shake my head—I already feel like I don’t live here. Like this isn’t my home.
I step inside and take a breath before facing him, my chin held high.
“I’m leaving.”
He gapes at me, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. “W-What? What do you mean?”
I squish my eyes closed and pop them open, meeting his pained gaze. It cuts me to the core, but I don’t mind it because at least I feel something.
“I mean, I can’t do this. I can’t keep staying here and pretending nothing is wrong when everything is a disaster.”
“I-I … We can fix this.”
I shake my head. “I’m too broken. You can’t fix this for me, Jace. God, I wish you could.” I fight tears. “But I have to fix myself, and I can’t do it here.”
“Where are you going? Are you staying with Xander and Thea? Cade and Rae? Joel?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“No?” He looks at me quizzically. “Where the fuck are you going then? Not back to your parents?”
I shake my head again. In a small voice I say, “I’m going to see Owen.”
He laughs but there’s no humor in it. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No,” I say softly. “I need a change of scenery, a change of pace.”
He glowers at me. “You mean you don’t need me?”
“Jace …”
He laughs again. “This is rich.” He grabs at his hair and then meets my eyes with his pain filled ones. “Why are you doing this to us? I love you. My life means nothing without you.”
I fight back a flood of tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t leave,” he pleads. “We can work this out. I’ll go somewhere if that’s what it takes. But please, don’t leave,” he begs.
“I have to do this. I have to.”
“How long will you be gone?”<
br />
I shrug. “I don’t know. A few days. A month. However long it takes.”
He stares at me, the distance between us growing though neither of us moves.
“Are we breaking up?” he finally asks. “Just tell me, Nova. Don’t give me false hope.” He takes a shuddering breath and his face flashes with pain. “Are you going to Owen because you still love him?”
“I don’t love him,” I say adamantly. “I told you, I need a change of scenery and I can’t do that here. I need to be somewhere entirely new that isn’t a constant reminder of what I lost here—”
“Fuck you, Nova,” he spits. “I lost him too. This didn’t only happen to you. This happened to both of us.” He waves his hand back and forth.
“It’s different for you,” I defend.
“Different how?” His brows furrow. “Because I’m a man? I’m the one who wanted to have a baby first, remember? I wanted him too. I heard his heartbeat. I felt him move inside you. I felt his life. I’m still grieving too, so fuck you for acting like you’re alone in this.”
I wince at his words. “Please don’t hate me.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. “I wish I could hate you—God, I wish I could, because you’re breaking my fucking heart. But I could never hate you.”
“I’ll be back,” I promise. “This isn’t forever.”
“Funny, because it feels like it is.”
Jace
I watch her go.
The door clicks behind her with a finality.
She says this isn’t the end, that she’ll be back, but she’s a stranger now, so I can’t bring myself to believe her—to give myself false hope.
I glance around the apartment. It’s full of our stuff, everything is still here, and yet it feels entirely empty.
I sit down on the couch, running my hands down my face and letting out a groan.
This doesn’t feel real—none of it does. It has to be one horrible nightmare I’m going to wake up from eventually, right?
I keep expecting the door to open and for her to come back inside—for her to say she can’t leave me, the same way I can’t leave her.
But the door stays closed.
Nova
I move through the bustling airport, my suitcase in tow.
I step onto the escalator, and as it moves down, I scan the crowd for Owen.
It doesn’t take me long to spot him. His dark hair is shaggy, the curls dangerously close to falling in his eyes. He wears a pair of slacks with a white button down tucked into them. I’m sure he’s come straight from work.
He sees me and grins, those dimples that used to make me weak in the knees popping out.
I step off and head over to him and he meets me halfway.
“It’s good to see you.” He smiles and pulls me into a hug. “I wish you were here under different circumstances, but I’ll take it.”
I force a smile back. “Thanks for letting me stay with you.”
“It’s no problem,” he assures me. “Here let me get your bag.” He takes my suitcase from me and I fall into step beside him, heading for the exit.
“How are things here?” I ask. “You still like it.”
He nods. “I’m happy here. Work is great, and I love the energy of the city. Plus, I’m far, far, far, away from my parents.”
We step outside and he leads me to a waiting taxi.
The guy doesn’t bother to jump out and get my suitcase so Owen lifts the hatch and puts it away.
He opens the door to the taxi and I slide in first. He settles beside me, his knee touching mine, and closes the door. He rattles off an address to the cab driver and then the car lurches forward, sending me careening into Owen.
He chuckles. “New York City cab drivers are the worst but you get used to it.”
I return to my previous position and give him a smile.
“The city looks beautiful at night,” I say, looking around outside the windows.
“It definitely comes to life at night, that’s for sure.”
I spot the time and blanch. “I’m sorry you’re out so late to get me.”
He shrugs. “I was out with the guys from work, getting some drinks, it wasn’t a big deal.”
His words make me feel a little better. My flight was long, and I’d never stopped to consider the time difference.
It takes what feels like forever to finally reach Owen’s place.
The building is brown brick with a black wrought iron set of steps leading up to the door. There are a couple of flowers planted outside and several piles of trash.
I slide out and Owen grabs my bag. As soon as the trunk is closed the cabbie is speeding away into the night.
Owen shoves his hand into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys.
I follow him up the steps and he swings the door open.
“My apartment is up there.” He points to a staircase leading upstairs. Once upon a time I’m sure the staircase was grand. I look around, seeing the remnants of what once must’ve been an impressive residence but has now been sectioned off into apartments.
He leads me upstairs and finds a different key, sliding it into the door.
“Welcome home.”
I wince. This isn’t my home. I don’t know where that is anymore. It used to be where Jace was, but now it’s too hard to be near him.
The hardwood floor creaks beneath my feet as I step inside.
There’s a kitchen, living area, and a bedroom and bathroom to our right. It’s definitely tiny, but it’s clean and nice.
The door closes behind us. “You can take my room. I’ll crash on the couch.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be silly. You have to work.”
Work. I completely forgot about my job at the record store.
“I can’t let you sleep on the couch, I insist.”
“Are you sure?” I hesitate, wrapping my arms around myself.
He nods. “Absolutely.”
“Okay then.” I follow him into the bedroom and he sets my suitcase on top of the bed. The room is, again, tiny. There’s a full-size mattress, one end table, and nothing else except for the photographs on the wall. In the corner of one, I spot a picture of us tucked between the glass and frame. We look young, like children. Owen has his arms wrapped around me, his lips pressed against my cheek. I’m taking the photo, my arms held out, and I look blissfully happy.
Owen clears his throat. “I … uh … It’s my favorite photo of us. I couldn’t get rid of it.”
I press my lips together and nod—wondering why he didn’t keep it in a drawer or something.
“Shower is yours.” He edges toward the door. “Do you need anything?”
“I’m fine.”
He hesitates in the doorway, seeming to want to say something, but he changes his mind and leaves.
I sit down on the bed beside my suitcase and pull my phone out of my pocket.
I expect a text from Jace, asking if I got here safe, but there’s nothing.
I know I shouldn’t be surprised, I left him, but I still thought he’d be worried and want to check in.
Maybe he needs a break as much as I do.
I miss him already, but I know if I’d get on a plane and go back home all those feelings would return and I’d want to get away again.
Right now, this is where I need to be.
I turn to my suitcase and unzip it, grabbing what I need for my shower and a pair of pajamas.
When I leave the bedroom, Owen is in the kitchen, drinking a bottle of water.
“I’m going to shower.” I point unnecessarily to the bathroom.
He nods. “I’m going to get settled for the night. I have to be at work early. I’ll leave a spare key on the counter so you can go out if you want to.”
“Thank you.”
I duck into the bathroom and lean my back against the closed door.
“This is for the best,” I whisper to myself. “I need time.”
But what if you take too much time and he’
s gone when you get back?
Morning sunlight bleeds through the wispy curtains and I crack my eyes open.
The last thing I want to do is get up and face the day. I’d rather stay burrowed beneath the covers for the rest of my life. At least it’s safe here.
I know I can’t do that, though, so I push the blankets off me and sit up.
I look around the strange room. Nothing’s familiar, but that brings comfort to me.
I slip from the bed and pad out of the room.
I find the key on the counter along with a note from Owen.
Get out—don’t stay shut up. The city awaits. I’ll see you for dinner.
—O
I grab the key and stare at it.
It’d be all too easy to stay inside, to not face the world, but that’s not why I came here.
I get dressed and put on some makeup. I brush my hair and let it hang down, the dark waves seem to lack some of their usual luster but maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.
I let myself out and lock the door behind me.
When I burst outside, I blink from the harsh sunlight. It takes me a moment to be able to see, and when I do I look to my left and then my right.
Both look the same to me. I have no idea where his apartment is located in the city, and what might be around.
I play eenie, meenie, miney, moe with myself and end up picking the right.
I promise myself not to go too far, so I can find my way back. The last thing I need is to get lost and not be able to get ahold of Owen.
When I reach the end of the street, I turn left, heading where there seems to be more people.
I spot a restaurant that looks promising for breakfast and stop there.
I get a table by the window and look out onto the street.
All these people … I don’t know them. I don’t know their lives, but they look happier than me.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to be happy again—if maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart.
“Are you ready to order?” a waitress asks.
I shake my head free of my thoughts. “A coffee and an omelet with spinach.”
She smiles and writes it down. “I’ll be right back with your coffee.
I look at my phone as she walks away. The screen still blank. No texts or calls from Jace. I know it’s for the best, he’s giving me what I want, but it still hurts.
Broken Hearts (Light in the Dark Book 5) Page 15
