His words drive through my ribs, straight through my heart, like the steeled edge of a sword.
I open the door and it slams behind me as I race down the stairs and burst onto the street.
I stop, clutching my hair and raising my face to the sky.
Broken sobs rack my body.
I’m a horrible person. Owen’s right. I pushed Jace away when all he was trying to do was be there for me. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve his love.
It’s hard thing to do, to be faced with the fact that the person you love most is too good for you.
He’s strong where I am weak.
He’s brilliant where I am average.
He’s dark where I am light—because he once told me the light is where the real monsters are, and I’m definitely a monster.
I always believed we were very much the same, and that’s why we’re so good together, but I think this whole time I’ve been wrong.
Or maybe I’ve changed.
Either way, I know I don’t deserve him.
I abandoned him when we needed each other most.
I’m selfish, and horrible, and disgusting.
And I hate myself.
I hate myself for shutting down.
I hate myself for not talking to him.
I hate myself for resisting his touch.
For pushing him away.
For leaving.
For going to Owen of all people.
What kind of fucking stab to his heart it must’ve been.
I start down the street walking. I’m sobbing like a fool, but I don’t care. I won’t be the strangest person in the city, not by a long shot, that’s for sure.
I wrap my arms around myself like I can use them to keep the fraying edges of my sanity together.
My lips still tingle from Owen’s kiss and I lift one hand, rubbing the back of it harshly against them, desperate to erase it from my lips. No amount of rubbing lessens the tingle and I silently curse. It’s what I deserve, though, the reminder of how I’m not good enough for Jace.
I walk and I walk and I walk some more.
I walk so far my legs hurt and my feet are aching.
But I keep walking, like that simple act will rid me of my sins.
It’s a cloudy overcast day and it feels as if the darkening sky is growing closer and closer, like it’s seeping through the buildings like some kind of monster that slithers through the streets.
I want to feel normal again and I know I can’t do that until I’m back with Jace.
He’s part of what makes me, me.
But I still can’t shake the dirtiness of how I feel for abandoning him.
I did to him what I blamed Owen for doing to me all those years ago.
Perhaps it’s cosmic justice showing me nobody is perfect.
We’re all flawed in an imperfect world.
I sigh, fighting more tears. All I want is to tell Jace I’m sorry, to wrap my arms around him and lay my head on his chest. I need to feel him and know he knows how sorry I am for what I’ve done.
Finally, knowing what I need to do more than anything is go home, I circle back to Owen’s apartment.
The moment I step through the main door, all hell breaks loose outside and a downpour begins, the rain pelting angrily against the windows.
I jog up the steps and into Owen’s apartment.
It’s silent, and it doesn’t take me long to figure out he’s not there.
I hesitate for a moment, looking around.
I ran away thinking I needed to find myself again, when the whole time who I am and who I was is back home.
Jace.
I have to get home to him. This isn’t where I belong.
I rush into the bedroom and pack my stuff. There isn’t much so it doesn’t take me long.
When I finish I try to find a flight out.
But because my luck is shit, there’s nothing until tomorrow at noon.
I’m not happy about it, but I book it anyway.
I feel bad for Owen, my coming here couldn’t have been easy on him and I probably gave him false hope of something more. But Owen’s not the man I’m in love with. He doesn’t make me lose my breath or forget my name.
Only one man can do that.
I know I can’t stay here tonight. It’s only one night, but it’s not fair to him, or me, or even Jace for me to stay here another night.
I book a hotel and write a quick note to Owen.
I’m sorry. I can’t stay here. I’m going home tomorrow.
I’m sure you hate me, and I hope one day you can forgive me.
Nova
I stare at my note for a moment before laying it on the counter where he’ll see it.
I grab my bags and head downstairs. I set my bags down and open the door.
It’s still pouring down rain, the sky dark and stormy, and then, there, in the middle of the street, appearing like a mirage, is Jace.
I stare.
And I stare some more.
Then I blink.
He’s still there.
I rub my eyes.
He’s there.
He’s here.
I spare no thought for the rain. I rush to him and crash into his body. He’s soaked through, rain dripping off his face, his hair plastered to his head, but he’s more gorgeous than he’s ever been.
“How?” I breathe, clutching at him like if I don’t hold him to me he’s going to vanish into thin air. “How are you here?”
“Well, first I flew, after that I tracked your iPhone.”
I stifle a laugh. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“You are?” He lets out a sigh of relief. “I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me.”
“Never,” I breathe.
“But you left.”
I close my eyes. “Because I’m an idiot.”
“Being without you has been hell, Nova. I couldn’t let you stay away. I should’ve gone after you the moment you left, but I was stunned. Not anymore, though. I promise you this, from this day forward, where you are I am. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”
“I love you. I feel like my heart’s finally beating for the first time since I left.”
He clutches my face between his hands. “You are everything to me. Everything.”
I clutch his shirt in my fist and inhale a breath. I finally feel whole for the first time in a week. Leaving was the dumbest decision I ever made. You can’t run from your problems.
He looks at me very seriously, and as much as I want to kiss him, something tells me I need to wait.
“I’ve never believed in marriage,” he begins, “but apparently I need to make things more official with you.”
I laugh and he grins. “So, repeat after me … I, Nova Clarke, vow to never leave the love of my life, Jace, ever again.”
“I, Nova Clarke, vow to never leave the love of my life, Jace, ever again.”
“Do you vow to love me through the storms and the sunshine?”
“I do.”
The water pours down on the both of us, I’m chilled and soaked to the bone, and yet there’s no place I’d rather be.
“Do you vow to love me until the end?”
I swallow thickly and begin to cry, my tears carried away by the rain.
“Yes,” I breathe. “I do.”
He grins. “You may now kiss your …”
I silence him with a kiss and my soul scorches at the feel of his lips. I don’t need to hear what he was going to say. He’s my everything and that’s all I need to know.
His hands cup my cheeks and he angles his mouth more fully against mine. The rain mingles with our kiss, but somehow it only makes it sweeter.
I could stand here forever, beneath the pouring rain, as long as I had him at my side.
He’s the beat of my heart.
The breath in my lungs.
The man of my dreams that I never knew to hope for.
He breaks the kiss and presses his forehead to m
ine. “Take me home,” I beg.
He smiles. “Home’s a little far away at the moment.”
“Always such a smartass.” I stifle a laugh.
“You love me regardless,” he remarks.
“I do.” I so do.
“I have a hotel room. We can go there. Do you have bags or anything?”
He shakes his head. “I wasn’t planning on staying long.”
I frown.
“I knew you were coming home with me one way or the other, either by your own free will or over my shoulder.”
I laugh and wrap my arms around him, leaning my head on his chest.
“Come on,” he urges. “Let’s get your bags and get out of here.”
I nod, more than ready to be alone with him.
I hold his hand and he guides me back to the building. He gets my bags and then we have to walk a block away before we finally get a cab.
I rattle off the name of the hotel and then we’re on our way.
Every minute that ticks by, my anticipation grows tenfold.
I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. My whole body is relaxed. It feels so good to be near him. It’s been too long. Even before I left, I avoided being near him. I didn’t want to allow myself to feel good. I realize now, I’ve been punishing myself since we lost Beckett. I didn’t want to be happy, even for a moment, because it felt like I was betraying his memory. Grief makes us do crazy things.
The cab finally stops and Jace hands him some cash. We tumble out of the car and into the rain again.
I shiver and Jace puts his hand on my waist, urging me into the building, my suitcase and bag in his other hand.
We step into the building and get a few funny looks for our drenched states.
Ignoring them, we head to the check-in desk, and I give my information.
It doesn’t take long to get the room key. We head up in the elevator, not saying a word, just exchanging sidelong glances. My body aches for his touch, and my heart beats rapidly, reminding me how it’s not as broken as I thought it was.
The elevator dings and the doors slide open.
We step out and head down the hall to the room. I slide the keycard into the slot and when it lights up green, I swing the door open and step inside. The room is nice, but not extraordinary. None of it matters to me, though. My bags fall to the ground with a clatter and I turn around to look at Jace.
He stalks toward me like a lion cornering a gazelle.
I back up and my knees bump into the back of the bed.
He reaches for my shirt, inching it slowly up my body. I lift my arms and he removes it completely. It falls with a thunk on the floor.
He stares at me, his eyes glittering with intensity.
I edge my fingers under his shirt, holding my breath.
I lift his shirt up his torso, and like I did, he lifts his arms so I can pull it off and over his head. Once it’s off, we stand, staring at each other.
“You’re never leaving me again.”
“Never,” I promise—and it’s an easy promise to make.
I know now where I belong is with him.
Always.
He picks me up, cupping my butt, and I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He kisses me as he lowers me to the bed.
He presses his forehead to mine and breathes me in.
“We’ve had a lot of heartbreaks in our lives,” he whispers, “but losing you is one thing I know I could never survive.”
I close my eyes at the pain in his words. It stabs me like a knife, though I know he doesn’t mean for it to. I hate I’ve put him through this, that I was so selfish.
He rubs his thumb over my bottom lip, his eyes roaming my face like he’s memorizing my face.
I clutch his wet hair between my fingers.
“Are you going to stare at me all day?” My voice is aching and desperate.
His lips quirk. “Maybe I am.”
He presses his lips forcefully to mine and my breath leaves my body.
“I’m so afraid you’re going to disappear from beneath me,” he admits.
I take his face in my hands. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He swallows thickly, his hands sliding down my torso.
His hand latches around my hip and he curls one finger into a belt loop.
“Confession—I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
I inhale a shaky breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”
A dam seems to break in him and he presses his lips forcefully to mine with a bruising pressure. My mouth opens beneath his and I breathe him in. My body melts into him like it’s been aching for his touch.
He pops the button on my jeans and slides the zipper down. He pulls them off my hips and I wiggle, helping him get them down my legs.
I shiver, the cool air of the room combined with my damp body making me feel like a Popsicle.
Jace clucks his tongue and presses his lips to the crook of my neck. He kisses his way over my breast and down my stomach.
The cold I felt a moment ago ceases to exist.
He curls his fingers into the sides of my underwear and removes them in one sure movement. I sit up and reach for the back of my bra. It falls down my arms and I toss it aside. His eyes devour me like I’m a feast and he’s starving.
I bite my lip and creep closer to him. He’s frozen, only his eyes following my movements.
I reach for his belt and undo it, then get to work on the button and zipper.
He steps back and kicks off his jeans and boxer-briefs.
Before I can blink he’s on me and my back hits the bed.
“I feel like I haven’t touched you in years.”
I don’t argue with him, because it does feel like that.
He slides two fingers inside me and grins. “You ready for me?”
“You have no idea,” I breathe.
My whole body aches so much it’s almost painful.
He grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger and slants his lips over mine. He kisses me softly at first, but the fire becomes too much to resist, and the kiss grows deeper. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the nerves of my body, and the curve of my heart. I feel him everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. He is me and I am him and we are one.
When he pushes into me, one hand curving around my hip and drawing my leg around his waist, I nearly burst into tears. It’s like my body is finally breathing for the first time since we lost Beckett.
“I love you,” I whisper in the air between us.
“God, I fucking love you too.”
He looks at me like I’m the sun, the moon, the stars—I’m all the beauty and glory in the world. I’m lucky to have a man who looks at me like that, who cherishes me like a precious gift.
But more than that, he’s my best friend.
He’s the one I can confide everything, and I’m an idiot for forgetting that.
Grief makes us blind, and I was losing my mind for it.
Not any more, though.
Here, with him, is where I belong.
Always.
Hours later, we lie in the bed, curled around one another. He holds my hand, his lips occasionally pressing small kisses to my forehead, my shoulder, my cheek.
I lay my head on his shoulder and look up at him, pressing my own kiss to his stubbled jaw.
“I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t chase you down sooner.” He brushes his fingers through my hair—which is a tangled mess thanks to the rain and what transpired after.
I press my lips together. “I kept thinking because Beckett was gone, I wasn’t allowed to be happy, and that was wrong of me. It’s okay to be sad and have my bad moments, but it’s okay to have good ones too—to laugh and smile and joke and love.”
Jace is silent for a moment. “We’re always going to miss him, Nova, but our lives don’t stop because he’s gone. We need to grow together, not apart.”
I nod. “I know that no
w.”
“When you feel sad, or mad, or whatever the fuck it is, talk to me,” he begs.
“I will—and you’ll do the same?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Of course.” He glances at the clock. “We need to go.”
“We do?”
“Yeah, we have a flight out in two hours.”
I laugh. “I guess that means I need to cancel the one I booked for the morning.”
He grins at me. “That’s exactly what you need to do. You’re coming with me.” He cups my butt, driving home his point.
“I can’t wait to go home,” I admit. “I was scared there for a while that I’d never want to be there again.”
“You know, if you wanted to move, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
“I know.” I kiss his jaw. “But I’m okay now,” I promise.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you running from me again.”
“The only way I’m running is to you.”
He kisses me.
“Liked that, huh?” I joke.
He grins. “Loved it. I’m fucking glad you realized I’m yours.”
“And I’m yours.”
“Come on.” He extracts himself from my hold. “We need to get out of here, seriously.”
I frown, not wanting to move from the bed, but knowing I get to go home makes all the difference and I finally get up and get dressed. I have dry clothes to change into, but Jace’s are still damp and wrinkled from being rumpled on the floor. He doesn’t seem to care, though.
I put my damp clothes in a laundry bag in my suitcase and zip it up.
“Ready?” Jace asks.
“Yep.”
He slings my bag over his shoulder and wheels the suitcase behind him. He opens the room door and lets me out first, then grabs my hand.
I start to walk but he pulls me back and lifts my hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to my knuckles. His green eyes are clear and happy.
“I know the storm might feel like it’s far from over, but the sun always shines again, Nova.”
I smile at him and don’t say anything. Instead, I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek.
Sometimes, words aren’t needed.
Jace
Nova falls asleep shortly after we get on the plane, her body relaxed, and her head on my shoulder. I, on the other hand, can’t sleep. I’m afraid if I close my eyes this will all disappear. I inhale the scent of her shampoo, and it comforts me a bit.
Broken Hearts (Light in the Dark Book 5) Page 19
