“Are you sure you’re ready?” He saw a stone in the path and kicked it to the side. “I didn’t mean you had to answer tonight. I can wait longer if need be, Shirley.”
“It’s okay.” She took his arm in hers. “You can bring me home this Sunday evening if you wish. Is that soon enough?”
The glow on his face was all the answer he gave until they reached the edge of the woods. “You make me very happy, Shirley. Do you know that?”
She looked at the ground and then confessed, “I’m afraid you don’t know everything about me yet, Glen. I tend to be unstable and flighty. I don’t keep promises very well. And I’ve been known to break a few rules. I can be quite stubborn and headstrong.”
He laughed and squeezed her arm.
He didn’t believe a word she said, Shirley realized. Well, he would find out soon enough. At the moment she wanted only to feel the comfort of his presence and the warmth he stirred in her heart. There was none of the wild giddiness Jonas provoked, but that was gut, was it not?
Glen reached over and traced his fingers across the disappearing scars on Shirley’s face. “You grow more beautiful each day. I can’t believe I get to drive you home on Sunday evening.”
Shirley lowered her head, afraid he might want to kiss her. “Just hold my hand as we walk along. We’d better get back now. Supper will be ready.”
He took her hand in his and led the way across the pasture. They were still holding hands when they approached the barn. Several of the younger siblings noticed, stopping their play to point and giggle.
Glen grinned.
“Come!” Shirley tugged on his hand. “The rest of the family will be happy to see that you’ve come tonight. Lee and Mark, Mamm and Daett, and Miriam and Naomi.” Shirley didn’t add that her family’s greatest happiness was in the fact that, by all appearances, she finally planned to settle down with a decent Amish man. She did in fact intend that. And she couldn’t find anyone better than Glen in that regard. She grew more sure of that every day, it seemed.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ivan stirred his bowl of oatmeal at the breakfast table for a few seconds before he added milk. He took a bite and chewed slowly. The emptiness of the house rang in his ears, and he shook his head for a moment. Was this another aftereffect of the accident? The hollow feeling in his chest certainly was. The fact that Laura was gone forever and there was nothing he could do about it was a hurdle he couldn’t seem to jump.
He shook his head again. Was the Lord already making a way through this wilderness for him? Why else had Eli, Miriam’s daett, shown up to speak with him after the service on Sunday? Maybe he did need to find a new frau sooner than later. Mostly though, the man had given him a lecture for the way he’d used Miriam before his marriage to Laura. From what he could tell, Eli didn’t know everything. Miriam must not have told her parents all the details of their exchange, which showed the strength of Miriam’s character.
Ivan groaned. His marriage to Laura couldn’t have been a mistake. He’d loved her. Besides, regrets did a man little gut. He would trust the Lord to guide him through this dark time. Apparently the first direction had arrived with Eli Yoder. Yah, repentance was in order. Ivan had agreed with Eli and apologized. The man seemed satisfied. He’d even suggested that Ivan approach Miriam for a renewal of their relationship now that Miriam had also lost the one she loved.
“I didn’t know about Wayne,” he’d admitted to Eli.
With another groan, Ivan pushed aside his partially eaten oatmeal and stood. Most of the muscles throughout his body still ached, even after these many weeks since the accident. Thankfully, he could do his chores again, but he hadn’t been back to his job. He needed to move about more. Maybe he should harness his old horse, Billy, to the buggy and go for a ride.
Ivan heaved a sigh and walked out of the washroom. He crossed the front yard as questions whirled in his mind. Did he dare visit Miriam today? She’d only been home a few days, and he would see her at the Sunday service. How uncomfortable that might be since Eli would have told Miriam by now about their conversation. No, it would be better to speak with her in private or among family. Since she’d expect him to speak with her, why not do it today? Eli was right. With the money given away and the farm Mr. Bland had given Miriam sold off, he could begin anew with Miriam. The woman wouldn’t doubt his intentions again.
Yah, he had best go visit Miriam. He rubbed his head and entered the barn. After easing the harness on Billy’s back, he led the old horse outside and hitched him to the buggy. He climbed in, and pain shot up his back. Ivan ignored the continuing stabs and drove out his lane. Before long he’d feel young again, he told himself. Once his body and heart healed. That was why he planned to stop at the graveyard before he visited Miriam. His sisters had taken him there last week, but he needed to go alone. He knew Laura wasn’t there, but he wanted to show his respect for the love and attention she’d shown him in their brief marriage. She had been a gut frau. If she had lived, he would have grown to love her even more deeply. There was no doubt in his mind about that.
He let his mind wander as the steady beat of Billy’s hooves on pavement filled his ears. He pictured Laura on their wedding day, her face aglow with happiness. Yah, she’d put a lot of effort into their relationship and had won his heart. He hadn’t deserved such love, Ivan acknowledged. Just as he didn’t deserve this second chance with Miriam that came with the visit from her daett. Why the Lord continued to give him both direction and rebuke, he couldn’t imagine. And added to that, Eli’s approval if he should seek Miriam’s hand in marriage.
A tear crept into his eye, and Ivan wiped it away. There had been enough of those shed on his pillow since he’d come out of the coma. A man must move on, even with deep regret in his heart for his actions. He’d wronged both Laura and Miriam. Darkness swirled in his mind as he pulled up to the graveyard and climbed out of the buggy. He left Billy standing along the fencerow without a tie rope. The old horse would go nowhere.
He found his way through the tombstones with names both familiar and unfamiliar: Yoders, Bylers, Troyers…Ivan forced himself to look ahead to the freshly dug grave on the far edge of the cemetery. Small blades of grass had begun to spring up on the mound of dirt. The tombstone the Swartz family had set in place glistened from the recent rains.
Ivan read out loud, “Laura Mast and child, beloved wife and daughter…” He knelt next to the dirt and lifted his head to the heavens. He found himself whispering, “I’m so sorry for what happened, Laura. I know you’re with the angels and much happier than any of us on this earth can imagine. But still, the accident was my fault. I should have paid attention to where we were going. Please forgive me.”
Ivan bowed his head and waited. There was no voice from heaven, but he didn’t expect one. Peace was enough of an answer. He kept his head down and spoke again. “Thank you, Laura, for the love you gave me. Thank you for our times together. You were much more than I deserved. Thank you for our…our…” Ivan’s voice broke. “I’ll never see our child’s face on this earth, but I’m sure the baby is sweet like you are.”
Silence settled around him, and Ivan didn’t move for a long time. Then slowly he rose and made his way back to his buggy. Billy lifted his head and looked at him. “Yah, she’s gone,” Ivan said out loud. Billy wouldn’t understand the words, but Ivan wanted to say them. He wanted to face what had happened and to move on. He was in no shape to visit Miriam, but perhaps she should see him in his broken condition. If he ever wanted to ask her to be his frau, there should be nothing hidden between them—even his sorrow over what had happened. Miriam was a woman of character. She would understand.
Ivan climbed into the buggy and turned toward the Yoder place. Billy objected to the direction with a jerk of his head, but he soon settled into his slow, steady gait. Ivan turned to look back at the graveyard until they took a side road north. Another buggy approached, and Ivan leaned forward to wave. Bishop Wagler stuck his head out and then pulled his ho
rse to a stop. Billy had already begun to slow down, so the two buggies ended up side-by-side.
“Gut morning, Ivan.” Bishop Wagler’s concerned face peered at him. “How are you doing?”
“Out and about by myself, I guess.” Ivan managed a chuckle.
Bishop Wagler’s gaze went back down the road from where Ivan had come. A look of understanding crossed the bishop’s face. “It must be a difficult time for you.”
“Yah.” Ivan nodded. “I visited Laura by myself for the first time. Sort of saying goodbye, I guess. But how does one do that?”
The bishop was all sympathy. “None of us can carry or understand another’s sorrow fully, Ivan, and yet we can try. That’s what the community is here for, and you must ask us if you have needs. Are your chores being taken care of?”
Ivan nodded again. “Yah, my family helped, but I’m well enough now.”
“And your field work? Has Deacon Hochstetler been by to see you about that?”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Ivan replied. “But thank you anyway. Laura only had a garden.”
The bishop chuckled. “I guess that’s right. You don’t farm. Well, it’s a little difficult to keep track of what everyone does. I’m getting old, you know.” The bishop sobered. “I’ve never lost a frau, yet the Lord has seen fit to take you through such dark waters at a young age. May the Lord’s grace be with you.”
“Thank you,” Ivan said.
The bishop regarded Ivan steadily again. “I know this might not seem like the time to speak of the matter, but keep your heart open to the Lord’s leading on another frau, Ivan. It’s not gut that a man should be alone, especially someone so young. We have at least one young widow in the community. I wanted to remind you of that. Some of our men feel guilty about such thoughts, but the Lord has made man to move on with his life. So surely there will be among our sisters an unmarried one who would be open to your attentions.”
Ivan swallowed twice. “I have thought of such a thing, but my heart still sorrows.”
“As it should.” The bishop clucked to his horse. “Don’t be forgetting what I said now.”
Billy turned his head to watch the bishop’s buggy leave, and Ivan had to slap the lines to make him move. “Come on, old boy, let’s get going. That’s another sign for me, I would say.” The bishop spoke of Mary Troyer, Ivan told himself. Mary was hazy in his mind. He hadn’t paid that much attention to the women of the community while Laura was alive. He thought Mary had two small children from her short marriage with Mark Troyer.
Ivan let his mind turn to Miriam as he drove the final miles to the Yoder place. She would be heartbroken over her loss of Wayne, as he was over Laura. Ivan pushed that dark thought away. Miriam had once been convinced he tried to win her hand because of the farm she’d been given by the Englisha man she worked for. He’d always insisted there had been nothing to the accusation, but now that sorrow had ripped his heart open he saw a little more clearly. Perhaps Miriam had been right—at least in part.
Still, he was here, Ivan told himself, as he drove into the Yoder lane, and he wished to speak with Miriam. This relationship might go nowhere or Miriam could say no to his advances. After that, the bishop’s suggestion was the next thing to look into. It didn’t really matter to him right now. His heart hurt too much.
The barnyard was empty when Ivan pulled up to the hitching post. He climbed out of the buggy and left Billy untied again. He walked up the sidewalk, and Miriam’s mamm came to the door with a smile on her face. “Gut morning, Ivan.”
“Gut morning.” He was expected, Ivan told himself. He stood tall. “May I speak with Miriam?”
“She’s in the kitchen.” The smile still hadn’t faded. “I’ll tell her you’re here.”
“I’ll stay out here,” Ivan said. He waited on the porch. Miriam must already know he’d arrived, so the wait didn’t speak well for his chances of a happy outcome from this visit. Still, what did he expect? Miriam wouldn’t be easily won over, even under the most ideal of circumstances, which these were not. The door opened, and Miriam stepped outside. “Hello, Ivan.” Her face was unreadable.
He cleared his throat. “Sorry for the unexpected visit, but may I speak with you for a moment?”
She studied him. “That depends, I guess. Couldn’t you wait until Sunday?”
“So you do know what this is about?” The words came out quickly and awkwardly.
“Daett told me, yah, about your conversation.” She pointed toward the front porch rockers. “Shall we sit?”
He didn’t answer but led the way over to the rockers. He waited until Miriam had seated herself. “I’m sorry again about all of this. And your loss of Wayne.”
She looked at him. “I suppose you expect a wedding next month already?” Her voice was bitter.
Ivan drew in a long breath. “I’m sorry, Miriam, about what happened in Oklahoma. I really am. But I also have suffered my own great loss.”
She dropped her head and wiped her eyes. “Yah, I’m sorry for the way I sounded. There’s still some hurt. You must know that.”
Ivan hesitated for a moment. “Yah, I know.” This wasn’t the right time, but here he was. He began again. “You and I, Miriam, we go back a long way. I guess to our schooldays. You know I used to have affections for you. And now that Laura’s gone…” Ivan reached for Miriam’s hand, and she didn’t pull back. “I’m truly sorry about Wayne. I know the pain must be awful. You wouldn’t give your affections to a man halfway. But remember that I also loved Laura. She was close to my heart, and she loved me. She was bearing our child.” Tears welled up in his eyes again.
She nodded. “I’m sorry for your loss too, Ivan.”
He attempted to smile, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t let more words out.
“Maybe this is all too soon.” Her words were tender.
“Maybe,” Ivan conceded. “But I wanted to at least speak with you after your daett came over. I wouldn’t even have dared come otherwise.”
Her gaze was fixed on his face.
“Look.” Ivan stood. “I appreciate that you even came out of the house to speak with me. That’s how low I feel about everything. I know you didn’t have to, but you did. My head is still swimming about all that is happening. I–I–I, well, I visited Laura’s grave on the way over…”
Miriam’s hand reached over to touch his. “I understand. I wouldn’t refuse to visit with you, Ivan. Though a visit is hardly a promise to pursue a relationship. It’s way too soon for me, regardless of what Daett says.”
He squeezed her arm. “Yah, I was wrong to think it could be anything more this soon. But I had to come. Perhaps then sometime in the future we might speak more on this?”
“Maybe.” Her voice was soft. “But know this is Daett’s idea and not mine. I still sorrow deeply.”
“I understand,” Ivan said. “I’ll leave you then.” Miriam’s hand left his arm, and he found his way back down the porch steps. He walked across the lawn and climbed into the buggy. Only then did he look back and wave. Miriam was still standing on the porch, and her hand came up in response to his. She is a decent woman, Ivan thought as he drove out of the lane. But he’d felt nothing like what he used to. Still, they should try to see if Eli was right. Maybe the Lord would bring a blessing from their common great trial. They would have to see, that’s all he knew for now. This time the effort was honorable and aboveboard at least. For that he was thankful.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Miriam washed the dishes with a slow motion, her gaze fixed out the kitchen window. The yard was flooded with the dusty light of the late-Friday evening. Several of her younger siblings were playing prisoner’s base, the game her schoolchildren had enjoyed during recess. Likely they were missing school too. A tear crept into her eye at the thought. She missed her students…and Oklahoma, if the truth be told. Much more than she’d imagined. Baby Jonathon would have put on weight by the time she saw him again, and no doubt he’d be cuter than when she
’d left him. Uncle William’s greenhouse would be rebuilt by then. But how lonely it would seem without Wayne working there. Could she bear it? She would have to heal more before she returned to Oklahoma this fall, that was certain.
“Please help me, dear Lord,” Miriam breathed as she washed another dish.
Footsteps came down the stairs, and Miriam looked up with a smile to greet Shirley. Her sister was dressed for an outing with Glen, no doubt. The two were officially dating now. Miriam was glad.
“I hate to go out and leave you here hard at work,” Shirley said with a concerned look.
“I’m almost finished,” Miriam replied, lowering her head lest the tears come back again. Any sympathy from her family had that effect right now. “I’m so glad things are going well for Glen and you.”
Shirley smiled thinly. “I like the man, so perhaps it will work out. He’s being so kind to me.”
“The Lord will guide you,” Miriam offered.
A look of pain crossed Shirley’s face. “Sometimes my heart still mourns at what I’ve lost, but Mamm and Daett both think I’m on the right path. So maybe they know more than I do.”
“So you’re not dating Glen because you might be in love with him?”
Shirley shook her head. “Not yet anyway. I like the man though. What about Ivan and you? Can you even say you like him?”
Miriam bit her lower lip. “No, I can’t really. We both just have similar sorrows we’re working through.”
“Then you might be right for each other.” Shirley’s voice was guarded. “I hate to see you forced into something, Miriam.”
“I won’t be.” Miriam glanced out the kitchen window. “Here comes Glen. You’d better go out to him.”
Shirley followed her sister’s glance and then rushed for the front door.
Miriam couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s thinly veiled enthusiasm. Shirley liked Glen more than she cared to admit. And the two were suited for each other in more ways than either of them were aware. Perhaps as she and Ivan might be. The thought popped up from nowhere, and Miriam didn’t push it away. At the moment she felt too weak to fight or reason the matter through. For the moment she would go with the flow and see where she ended up. Maybe life with Ivan wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Laura had loved him, and Daett and Mamm approved of the match. Was there not safety in that?
A Blessing for Miriam Page 26
