by Rex Stout
Again heads nodded. He was easing them into it; he was sewing them up. I grinned to myself, "Boss, you're cute, that's all, you're just cute." Lee Mitchell from Boston spoke again: 13 "Of course I can't speak definitely for Mr. Collard and Mr. Gaines. I think I may say – you can probably count them in. I'll go back to Boston tonight and they'll wire you tomorrow."
Cabot said, "You can cross Elkus out.
He wouldn't pay you a cent."
"No?"
"No. He's as sentimental as Andy Hibbard was. He'd sooner see us all killed than help catch Paul Chapin."
"Indeed. It is disastrous to permit the vagaries of the heart to infect the mind.
We shall see – Gentlemen. I would like to satisfy myself now on one point. Frankly, I do not wish it to be possible for any of you to say, at any time in the future, that I have acted with a ruthlessness or vindictiveness which you ‹did not contemplate or desire. My understanding is that you are all convinced that Paul Chapin is a murderer, that he has threatened you with murder, and that he should be caught, discovered, convicted and executed. I am going to ask Mr.
Goodwin to call off your names. If my understanding is correct, you will please respond with yes.f) He nodded at me. I took up the list on which I had checked those present. Before I could call one. Lee Mitchell said, "On that I can answer for Mr. Collard and Mr.
Gaines. Unqualifiedly. Their response is yes."
There was a stir, but no one spoke. I said, "Ferdinand Bowen."
The broker said, husky but firm, | "Yes.".
"Dr. Loring A. Burton."
For a moment there was no reply, then
Burton murmured in a tone so low it was barely heard, "No." Everyone looked at him. He looked around, swallowed, and said suddenly and explosively, "Nonsense!
Yes, of course! Romantic nonsense. Yes!"
Farrell said to him, "I should hope so.
The wonder is you weren't first."
I went on, "Augustus Farrell."
"Yes." I called the others, Drummond, Cabot, | Pratt, Byron, Adier, Kommers; they all said yes. I called, "Michael Ayers." He was still sprawled in his chair. I said his name again. Farrell, next to him, dug him in the ribs: "Mike! Hey! Say yes." Mike Ayers stirred a little, opened his eyes into slits, bawled out, "Yes!" and shut his eyes again. ^ I turned to Wolfe, "That's all, sir."
I usually heard Fritz when he went down the front hall to answer the doorbell, but that time I didn't; I suppose because I was too interested in the roll I was calling. So I was surprised when I saw the door of the office opening. The others saw me look and they looked too. Fritz came in three steps and waited until Wolfe nodded at him.
"A gentleman to see you, sir. He had no card. He told me to say, Mr. Paul Chapin."
"Indeed." Wolfe didn't move. "Indeed.
Show him in." ^••w
Uaih
6
;r
Fritz went back to the hall to get the visitor. I missed a bet, but Wolfe probably didn't – I don't know; I should have been taking notice of the expressions on the faces of our guests, but I wasn't; my eyes were glued on the door. I imagine all the others were too, except Wolfe's. I heard the thud of Paul Chapin's walkingstick on the rubber tile of the hall.
He limped in and stopped a few paces from the door. From where he was he couldn't see Wolfe, on account of the group gathered at the desk. He looked at the group, and at those around on chairs, and tossed his head up twice, his chin out, like a nervous horse trying to shake the rein. He said, "Hello, fellows," and limped forward again, far enough into the room so he could see Wolfe, first sending a quick sharp glance at me. He was standing less than eight feet from me. He was dressed for evening, a dinner coat. He wasn't a big guy at all, rather under medium size than over; you couldn't call him skinny, but you could see the bone structure of his face – flat cheeks, an ordinary nose, and light-colored eyes.
When he turned his back to me so as to face Wolfe I saw that his coat didn't hang straight down over his right hip pocket, and I uncrossed my legs and brought my feet back to position, just in case. ® There had been no audible replies to his salutation. He looked around again, back again at Wolfe, and smiled at him. "You are Mr. Wolfe?"
"Yes." Wolfe had his fingers intertwined on his belly. "You are Mr.
Chapin." ^ I Paul Chapin nodded. ‹I was at the theater. They've done a book of mine into a play. Then I thought I'd drop in here."
"Which book? I've read all of them."
"You have? Really. I wouldn't suppose … The Iron Heel.ff "Oh yes. That one. Accept my congratulations."
"Thank you. I hope you don't mind my dropping in. I knew of this gathering, of course. I learned of it from three of my friends, Leo Elkus and Lorry Burton and Alex Drummond. You mustn't hold it against them, except possibly Leo. He meant well, I think, but the others were trying to frighten me. They were trying it with a bogy, but for a bogy to be effective its terrors must be known to the victim.
Unfortunately you were unknown to me.
You have terrors, I suppose?"
Since Chapin's first word he had kept his eyes on Wolfe, ignoring the others.
They were regarding him with varying reactions on their faces: Mitchell of Boston with curiosity, Bowen with a sour poker face, Cabot with uncomfortable indignation, Mike Ayers with scowling disgust… I was looking them over. Of a sudden Dr. Burton left his chair, strode to the desk, and grabbed Chapin by the arm.
He said to him: H m "Paul, for God's sake. Get out of here!
This is terrible. Get out!"
Drummond the florist put in, his cultured tenor transformed by intensity into a ferocious squeal, "This is the limit, Paul! After what we – after what I – you dirty murdering rat!",3 Others, breaking their tension, found their tongues. Wolfe stopped them. He said sharply, "Gentlemen! Mr. Chapin is my guest!" He looked at Chapin, leaning on his stick. "You should sit down. Take a chair.-Archie."
"No, thanks. 'I'll be going in a moment." Chapin sent a smile around; it would have been merely a pleasant smile but for his light-colored eyes where there was no smile at all. "I've been standing on one foot for twenty-five years. Of course all of you know that; I don't need to tell you. I'm sorry if I've annoyed you by coming here; really, I wouldn't disconcert you fellows for anything.
You've all been too kind to me, you know very well you have. If I may get a little literary and sentimental about it – you have lightened life's burden for me. I'll never forget it, I've told you that a thousand times. Of course, now that I seem to have found my metier, now that I am standing on my own feet – that is, my own foot -"he smiled around again – ‹I shall be able to find my way the rest of the journey without you. But I shall always be grateful." He turned to Wolfe. "That's how it is, you see. But I didn't come here to say that, I came to see you. I was thinking that possibly you are a reasonable and intelligent man. Are you?"
Wolfe was looking at him. I was saying to myself, look out, Paul Chapin, look out for those half-closed eyes, and if you a take my advice you'll shut up and beat it quick. Wolfe said: (‹I reach that pinnacle occasionally, Mr.
Chapin."
"I'll try to believe you. There are few who do. I just wanted to say this to you: my friends have wasted a lot of time and money pursuing a mirage which someone has cleverly projected for them. I tell you straight, Mr. Wolfe, it's been a shock to me. That they should suspect me, knowing as they do how grateful I am for all their kindness! Really, incredible. I wanted to put this before you and save you from the loss of your time and money too. You would not be so fatuous as to chase a mirage?" ‹I assure you, sir, I am far too immobile to chase anything whatever. But perhaps – since you are by your own admission definitely out of it – perhaps you have a theory regarding the incidents that have disturbed your friends? It might help us."
"I'm afraid not." Chapin shook his head regretfully. "Of course, it appears more than likely that it's a practical joke, but I have no idea -"
"Murder isn't a jok
e, Mr. Chapin.
Death is not a j oke.'' ^. o i
"Oh, no? Really, no? Are you so sure?
Take a good case. Take me, Paul
Chapin – Would you dare to assert that my death would not be a joke?" ^ | "Why, would it?".;
"Of course. A howling anticlimax.
Death's pretensions to horror, considering what in my case has preceded it, would be indescribably ludicrous. That is why I have so greatly appreciated my friends, their thoughtfulness, their solicitude -"
A cry from behind interrupted him; a cry, deeply anguished, in the voice of Dr.
Burton: "Paul! Paul, for God's sake!"
Chapin wheeled about on his good leg.
"Yes?" Without raising his voice a particle he got into it a concentrated scorn that would have withered the love of God.
"Yes, Lorry?"
Burton looked at him, said nothing, shook his head, and turned his eyes away.
Chapin turned back to Wolfe. Wolfe said:
"So you adhere to 'the joke theory."
"Not adhere precisely. It seems likely.
So far as I am concerned, Mr. Wolfe, the only point is this: I suffer from the delusion of my friends that I am a source of peril to them. Actually, they are afraid of me. Of me! I suffer considerably, I _ really do. The fact is that it would be | difficult to conceive of a more harmless creature than I am. I am myself afraid!
Constitutionally afraid of all sorts of things. For instance, on account of my pathetic physicallBinadequacy, I go in constant fear of this or that sort of violent attack, and I habitually am armed. See -" j Paul Chapin had us going all right. As his right hand came around behind him and his fingers started under the edge of his dinner coat, there were two or three cries of warning from the group, and I took it on the jump. With my momentum and him balanced against his walkingstick, I damn near toppled him over, but I had my grip on his right wrist and saved him from a tumble. With my left hand I jerked the gat from his hip pocket.
"Archie!" Wolfe snapped at me.
"Release Mr. Chapin."; i r
I let go his wrist. Wolfe was still snapping: "Give him back his – article."
I looked at the gat. It was a thirty-two, an old veteran, and a glance showed me it wasn't loaded. Paul Chapin, his lightcolored eyes having no look in them at all, held out his hand. I put the gun in it and he let it sit there on his palm as if it was a dish of applesauce.
Wolfe said, "Confound you, Archie.
You have deprived Mr. Chapin of the opportunity for a dramatic and effective gesture. I know, Mr. Chapin. I am sorry.
May I see the gun?"
Chapin handed it to him and he looked it over. He threw the cylinder out and back, cocked it, snapped the trigger, and looked it over again. He said, "An ugly weapon. It terrifies me. Guns always do.
May I show it to Mr. Goodwin?"
Chapin shrugged his shoulders, and
Wolfe handed the gat to me. I took it under my light and gave it a few warm glances; cocked it, saw what Wolfe had seen, and grinned. Then I looked up and saw Paul Chapin's eyes on me and stopped grinning. You could still have said there was no look in them, but behind them was something I wouldn't have cared to bring into plain sight. I handed him the gun, and he stuck it back into his hip pocket. He said, half to me and half to Wolfe, in an easy tone:› ‹"That's it, you see. The effect is psychological. I learned a good deal about psychology from my friend Andy Hibbard."
There were ejaculations. George Pratt stepped to Chapin and glared at him.
Pratt's hands were working at his sides as he stammered, "You – you snake! If you weren't a goddam cripple I'd knock you so far I'll say you'd be harmless -"
Chapin showed no alarm. "Yes,
George. And what made me a goddam cripple?"
Pratt didn't retreat. "I helped to, once.
Sure I did. That was an accident, we all have 'em, maybe not as bad as yours.
Christ, can't you ever forget it? Is there no man in you at all? Has your brain got twisted -" j "No. Man? No." Chapin cut him off, and smiled at him with his mouth. He looked around at the others. "You fellows are all men though. Aren't you? Every one. God bless you. That's an idea, depend on God's blessing. Try it. I tried it once. Now I must ask you to excuse me."
He turned to Wolfe. "Good evening, sir.
I'll go. Thank you for your courtesy. I trust I haven't put too great a strain on your intelligence." ^ He inclined his head to Wolfe and to me, turned and made off. His stick had thumped three times on the rug when he was halted by Wolfe's voice:
"Mr. Chapin. I almost forgot. May I ask you for a very few minutes more?
Just a small -"
Nicholas Cabot's voice broke in, "For
God's sake, Wolfe, let him go -"
"Please, Mr. Cabot. May I, gentlemen?
Just a small favor, Mr. Chapin. Since you are innocent of any ill intent, and as anxious as we are to see your friends' difficulties removed, I trust you will help me in a little test. I know it will seem nonsensical to you, quite meaningless, but I should like to try it. Would you help me out?"
Chapin had turned. I thought he looked careful. He said, "Perhaps. What is it?"
"Quite simple. You use a typewriter, I suppose?"
"Of course. I type all my manuscripts myself."
"We have a typewriter here. Would you be good enough to sit at Mr. Goodwin's desk and type something at my dictation?" ^Why should I?" He hesitated, and was certainly being careful now. He looked around and saw twelve pairs of eyes at him; then he smiled and said easily, "But | for that matter, why shouldn't I?" He limped back towards me.
I pulled the machine up into position, inserted a sheet of paper, got up, and held my chair for him. He shook his head and I moved away, and he leaned his stick up against the desk and got himself into the chair, shoving his bum leg under with his hand. Nobody was saying a word. He looked around at Wolfe and said, "I'm not very fast. Shall I double-space it?"
"I would say, single-space. In that way it will most nearly resemble the original.
Are you ready?" Wolfe suddenly and unexpectedly put volume and depth into his voice: "Ye should have killed me – comma – watched the last mean sigh -ff There was complete silence. It lasted ten seconds. Then Chapin's fingers moved and the typewriter clicked, firm and fast. I followed the words on it. It got through the first three, but at the fourth it faltered. It stopped at the second / in killed, stopped completely. There was silence again. You could have heard a feather falling. The sounds that broke it came from Paul Chapin. He moved with no haste but with a good deal of finality.
He pushed back, got himself onto his feet, took his stick, and thumped off. He brushed past me, and Arthur Kommers had to move out of his way. Before he got to the door he stopped and turned. He did 1 not seem especially perturbed, and his | light-colored eyes had nothing new in I them as far as I could see from where I was.
He said, "I would have been glad to help in any authentic test, Mr. Wolfe, but I wouldn^t care to be the victim of a trick.
I was referring, by the way, to intelligence, not to a vulgar and obvious cunning."
He turned. Wolfe murmured, "Archie," and I went out to help him on with his coat and open the door for him.
7
When I got back to the office everybody was talking. Mike Ayers had gone to the table to get a drink, and three or four others had joined him. Dr. Burton stood with his hands dug into his pockets, frowning, listening to Farrell and Pratt.
Wolfe had untwined his fingers and was showing his inner tumult by rubbing his nose with one of them. When I got to his desk Cabot the lawyer was saying to him:
"I have an idea you'll collect your fees, Mr. Wolfe. I begin to understand your repute." ‹I shall make no discount for flummery, sir." Wolfe sighed. "For my part, I have an idea that if I collect my fees I shall have earned them. Your friend Mr. Chapin is a man of quality."
Cabot nodded. "Paul Chapin is a distorted genius."
"All
genius is distorted. Including my own. But so for that matter is all life; a mad and futile ferment of substances meant originally to occupy space without disturbing it. But alas, here we are in the I thick of the disturbance, and the only way that has occurred to us to make it tolerable is to join in and raise all the hell our ingenuity may suggest. – How did Paul Chapin acquire his special distortion?
I mean the famous accident. Tell me about it. I understand it was at college, a hazing affair."
"Yes. It was pretty terrible." Cabot sat on the edge of the desk. "No doubt of that, but good God, other men, the war, for instance… oh well. I suppose Paul was distorted from the beginning. He was a freshman, the rest of us were sophomores and on up. Do you know the Yard?"
"The Yard?" – "At Harvard."
"I have never been there." | "Well. There were dormitories -Thayer Hall. This was at Thayer Middle Entry – Hell Bend. We were having a beer night downstairs, and there were some there from outside – that's how fellows like Gaines and Collard happened to be present. We were having a good time around ten o'clock when a fellow came in and said he couldn't get in his room; he had left his key inside and the doors had snap locks. Of course we all began to clap."
"That was a masterpiece, to forget one's key?" ^Oh no. We were clapping the opportunity. By getting out a hall window, or another room, you could make your way along a narrow ledge to the window of any locked room and get in that way. It was quite a trick – I wouldn't try it now for my hope of the Supreme Court – but I had done it in my freshman year and so had many others. Whenever an upperclassman forgot his key it was the native custom to conscript a freshman for that service. There was nothing extraordinary about it, for the agility of youth. Well, | when this fellow – it was Andy Hibbard – when he announced he had locked himself out, of course we welcomed the opportunity for a little discipline. We looked around for a victim. Somebody heard a noise in the hall and looked out and saw one going by, and called to him to come in. He came in. It was Chapin."
