Everybody’s
entitled
to a
little
“experimental phase,”
& you know
I never
went
to college or anything, you know.
Cheers, then, from
Your little autodidact & poetess, Lora Caecillia
P.S. Well, not “your little”—who am I kidding?—but you know what I mean. I do miss you. Very. Nevertheless, why am I composing a post scriptum for a letter I will never post? People are strange. Even me.
P.P.S. In answer to your question re: snoring? Yes you do & you snore horribly, in fact. Why, aside from the fact that we are rich & can afford it, plus sometimes I can’t stand the sight of you, esp. in the mornings, your puffy eyes, bad breath, starting-to-become-hairy back, etc., do you reckon we have separate bedrooms?
P.P.P.S. “Just sayin’.” Haha.
XX Aprillus
Dear Friend:
Hail. Let’s see. What else to convey? Just got back from exercising at the gymnasium. (Yeah, right!) Bored out of my gourd—Drusilla’s out of town, nobody’s moved into Marius’s old place, the warm spring sun enervates one relentlessly, the servants have informed me that no new books or tracts have come in to the book stalls in the market place, & the circuses & gladiatorial events have been temporarily shut down by the Senate for some reason or other, gods know why—I sat by yesterday & had some cups of wine from new goblets of bright blue glass. Laura, the girl servant I told you about, is such the resourceful little bargain huntress. I love sending her off to market with bit of ready money down her dress, love seeing what she ports back to add to the household! As I was saying, I sat by while Master Seneca did some extra one-on-one Socratic tutoring with your only son & heir. They were walking happily-contemplatively together round & round our simply-lovely-this-time-of-year courtyard, walking & talking, two gallants, one ancient, the other not. Your son & heir & his wise old tutor with his laurel crown of snow white hair & his beetling brows & his grotesquely efflorescent nose hairs, his donnish way of canting forward contemplatively, spotty white-gray hands clasped behind his markedly humped back. Those nose thistles make him look like he’s sporting a bloody what-d’ye-callit—moustache! Unbelievably unmanly, that. An obscene thing if there ever was. Doesn’t that sound majestic, though—your son & heir?! Aren’t you blessed to have a boy, a son, Caius! At least I think he’s yours! Kidding! He probably is. Seventy-five percent, maybe. We’ll never know, though, won’t we—on account of everyone says he looks way more like me than you. Lucky him! Ha! Any road, joking aside, I got a nice glimpse today of Aurelian’s school world & his sedulous attempts to learn & deduce & reason aloud & consequently shine. He’s such a wondrous little prodigy—certainly the brightest in his class. By far. Much sharper, smarter, brighter, more curious & precocious than the III other little boys. One, a cretin, certainly, doesn’t figure, but still; I think old Citizen Seneca keeps him under his tutelage in order to let the other lads practice kindness on the poor stupid bastard, the ridiculous eejit, drooling all over the texts & fisting clay into his mouth every chance he gets. Perhaps as a way to amuse myself & have a project, have something to do (gods, I’m bored—did I mention that? I have read everything ever written, it seems!) I’ll render what I heard & witnessed as though it were an actual Socratic dialogue or—even better—a one-act play! Hark! Here goes:
SENECA Aurelian?
AURELIAN Yes, master?
SENECA Would you say, Aurelian, that wisdom was the greatest virtue?
AURELIAN I would.
SENECA & that we could call virtue good?
AURELIAN Yes.
SENECA The good?
AURELIAN Yes. I mean, I think so…
SENECA Good. & would you yourself like to be virtuous, as virtuous as could be?
AURELIAN Certainly.
SENECA & if you were to meet a wise & therefore virtuous man, would you not want to know how he came to acquire his wisdom?
AURELIAN What you say is doubtless true.
SENECA & what would you say to him?
AURELIAN (with furrowed brow) Um…
SENECA What might you ask him?
AURELIAN Could you repeat the question, please?
SENECA What would you ask him, in terms of finding out how he had acquired his wis…
AURELIAN Oh, um… I would say: “Tell me, sir: how did you acquire this wisdom of yours?”
SENECA Very good, Aurelian. Very, very good. Very well. Well then. Let us posit the notion that it would be good to meet a wise man, for he would be virtuous & good to meet.
AURELIAN Yes.
(Seneca here raising one brow & cocking his head, as if to ask “&?”)
AURELIAN (faltering slightly, but recovering in time) Yes… um, indeed?
SENECA Absolutely. Very good. Wonderful, Aurelian.
AURELIAN (blushing) Thank you, revered Master Seneca Sir.
SENECA (wisely seeing that Aurelian was becoming a trifle fatigued, slumping a bit & dragging himself round the courtyard just a touch) Just a few more questions & then you can go & play for a short while—all right?
AURELIAN All right.
SENECA Let us now speak of politics.
AURELIAN Politics?
SENECA I ask the questions, Aurelian—you know that.
AURELIAN Oh, right. Sorry. You were saying?
SENECA That is another question, Aurelian—but never mind. Let’s see now: & would it be also good for a Senator to be a good & wise & therefore virtuous man?
AURELIAN (seeing one of our dogs chasing a chicken across the yard, almost starting after; then with good discipline preventing himself from following an impulse) What? Oh, I mean: I’m sorry?
SENECA (closing his eyes meditatively, like a kind of aggravated Buddha) I said: ‘& would it also be good…’
AURELIAN Sure, sure, whatever.
SENECA (bristling, just a bit; stiffening perceivably) & would you like to become a Senator one day?
AURELIAN I would.
SENECA (smiling proudly, beaming my way, in fact) Because…?
AURELIAN Um, because no one could go round questioning me, Socratically. I could just do as I wanted. As I pleased, I mean. & because I could have anyone tortured or poisoned or exiled or locked up in a…
SENECA Excellent. That’s quite enough. Nice work, Aurelian.
AURELIAN (bowing a child’s bow, a slight nod, as befits his higher-than-his-tutor station) Thank you, master.
SENECA Oh, don’t mention it. You have done excellent well today, boy. Run & play for a bit now & we will reconvene in half an hour & work on some Socratic questions concerning moral philosophy, then sums & sword fighting.
AURELIAN Thank you, master!
Aurelian wheeled & reeled around the fountain. I bought one with my own money & had it installed—my thought was, why wait for you to come home—if you even do? He was skipping round & round it, then, after spinning himself round & round in a dizzying circle, pretending with his little wooden sword to smite the servants, who had to “play dead” until he told them they could get up again. How he made me laugh as he told one of them “Arise! & receive our pardon!”—only to stab the poor sod soon as he (the poor sod) was getting up & was still on one knee. Clever little fellow, little trickster, little vamp! I had Laura’s “brother” fetch my harp so that Julia could dance & sing & jump & amuse me. She has two or three special “moves” that, when she does them, make me smile & clap like crazy. The look on her precious face is so serious when she’s performing them—like she’s about to choke someone or run them through with a dagger or put a drop of poison in their Sunday punch. So precious. She gets this immensely cross look on her pretty little flower-face when I’m cackling at her & pointing at her like she’s some kind of idiot. The look she gives
is like she’d stab me through the thigh should she have half the chance. Maybe one day she will. Hahaha! When the break was up (the master went to the privy the entire time—& when he came out, breathless & looking flushed & thinner than ever, I asked after his digestion, if everything was “all right” & all that rot; I mentioned figs, prunes, etc.; he said he’s tried everything; those only made him windy, poor chap; you aren’t the only one who can’t stand anything scatological: I fairly winced at myself for even mentioning the bog & for the hackneyed allusion to things “coming out all right;” just yuck!), old Seneca resumed his incontrovertibly brilliant teaching of our pride & joy, this time sitting at table with me. I think he needed to get off his feet after the colossal ordeal he must’ve underwent (undergone?) in the loo. Aurelian sat next to me so I could pet him & kiss him & run my anxious & doting & motherly digits through his hair while he learned.
The action picks back up in OUR COURTYARD:
SENECA To resume. Or you ready, Master Aurelian, to tackle &/or grapple with several questions concerning the philosophy of morality?
AURELIAN I am.
SENECA (conspiratorially) Let us know—I mean, now—speak of the traits, good or bad, of whole peoples. Who are the mightiest of all?
AURELIAN In terms of peoples?
SENECA Obviously.
AURELIAN We Romans.
SENECA & the bravest? Take your time, Aurelian.
AURELIAN Romans.
SENECA & you are quite sure?
AURELIAN Quite sure.
SENECA & the most beautiful?
AURELIAN (sighing) Romans—obviously.
SENECA The very same. Good, Aurelian. Most excellent work. Had I an ivory & purple ribbon upon my person I should garland you with it instanter. To continue: & superior to all other peoples the world over?
AURELIAN Romans!
SENECA Excellent. Superior, therefore, to Etruscans?
AURELIAN Yes.
SENECA Hebrews?
AURELIAN Very much.
SENECA Egyptians & Ephesians?
AURELIAN Naturally.
SENECA Visigoths, Franks, Athenians, & Ionians?
AURELIAN Yes, yes, yes, & yes.
SENECA Samaritans, Macedonians, Trojans, Persians, Dalmatians, & the thousand & seven assorted peoples of the land of Hind?
AURELIAN Definitely, Master.
SENECA & why?
AURELIAN (screwing up his pretty little face) Why?
SENECA Yes.
AURELIAN Because…um…because…
SENECA Yes! Just because. Excellent work, Aurelian. Your logic is impeccable. We Romans are superior because we are superior.
AURELIAN (with almost a sort cross look on his adorable little face) But, Master?
SENECA Yes?
AURELIAN I mean, isn’t that something of a tautology? I mean…
ME (intervening) Master Seneca said you were right, Aurelian—what more do you wa…
AURELIAN (looking up with that look you know neither of us can resist) But I’m tired of all this Socratic questioning, mummy! May I have a snack, mummy? Please, mummy?! Please?! May I? Mummy!!
ME (interjecting, frowningly) Aurelian, you know snacks aren’t good for you while you’re learning. You must wait until it is snack time, until everyone has a snack—isn’t that right, Master Seneca?
SENECA Well, he could maybe have a bit of fowl or cow—both are very good for the intellect. No bread, though. Bread is very bad for the…
ME (instantly clapping for Laura) Laura! Come hither, girl. Bring forth boiled cow & roasted fowl from the kitchen—for they are said to be good for the intellect! Order it from Cook. Wake her up if she’s sleeping. She’s always sleeping, Master Seneca. I think she overeats or something. Laura!
LAURA Right here, Domina.
ME Did you hear or should I say overhear what Master Seneca was…
LAURA Yes, Domina.
ME Well, then. A hefty plate of each—nice & thin-sliced like what we get from the marketplace! No bread, though. For bread is said to be bad for the intellect.
LAURA Yes, Domina.
ME & be sure, if it’s not too much trouble for you, idiot girl, to bring forth a small hogshead of wine for us all—a very small hogshead… [Master Seneca shaking head here]…no, a very large one… For a repast without a companionable accompanying beverage is very bad for the intellect, is it not, Master Seneca? Very, very bad, is it not?
SENECA (smiling) Oh, very bad, Dame Lora Caecillia.
Your Caius Aquilla Page 9
