No. The risk was too great. If things fizzled between Billy and me, I wouldn’t be able to stay on as a nanny. I wouldn’t be able to watch as women came in and out of Billy’s life. I wouldn’t be one of those girls who thought she could tame the untamable Billy Wanks. No way. No how. Billy Wanks loved women for an hour, not for a lifetime. And a fleeting few minutes of hot sex and fun flirting would never be enough for me.
Usually I avoided backstage right before a concert. Too much smoke. Too many groupies. Too much drinking. I skirted around huge black speakers and scattered microphones, the clack of my heels lost in the cry of the crowd, of the opening band’s music.
“Hey Daisy.” Trent glanced up from the clipboard he was holding. “You looking for the big man?”
“Yeah.” My fingers tightened around the phone in my hand. “I just need to check in with him real quick before my date tonight.” As predicted, my sunburn was worse the next day, then started to peel the day after that. I avoided Joseph for a full seventy-two hours. I also endured Jett, Chord and Turner’s colorful array of Hannibal Lecter jokes. It puts the lotion on its skin. When my burn had healed, I approached Joseph and we made plans for our date. Joseph had found a little restaurant rated in Seattle’s top five places to eat.
Trent eyes widened. “You’re going on a date? Does Billy know?”
“I’m about to tell him.”
Trent whistled. “Okay. Thanks for the warning. I’ll have a clean-up crew on standby.”
I scrunched my nose. “What?”
Trent’s gold tooth flashed in a part sneer, part grin. “For when Billy’s head explodes.”
My eyes narrowed. “It’s not a big deal.” A look of skepticism from Trent. “I can date, you know. I get to have my own life, everything doesn’t revolve around Billy Wanks.” Trent remained silent. I gave up on my reasoning. “Where is he?”
Trent pointed around a corner. “Just do me a favor and give me a two minute head start to get clear before you tell him.” The burly security guard darted off in the opposite direction. I gave his retreating back a dour look. Fraidy cat.
I found Billy exactly where Trent said I would. He was prepping for the concert. An earpiece hung around his neck. He wore jeans—the same jeans he wore the night he applied aloe to my face. I knew from personal experience the fabric was soft, worn in. His grey tee hugged his defined chest and arms. The black sparrow tattoos moved with his Adam’s apple as he laughed at something Jett said. Jett saw me first, Billy followed his bandmate’s attention.
“Flower, have you come to watch me perform?” Wow. He seemed happy. Like, really happy. Overjoyed at the prospect I’d watch him. His eyes ran the length of my body. I wore a pair of fitted black pants—almost leggings—with heels and a sleeveless, dark plum, silky shirt. I’d even left open a few of the pearl buttons to reveal the lacy camisole I wore underneath. I took a few steps closer, breaching the line of security surrounding Billy and Jett. Groupies lingered nearby, sending me surreptitious glances beneath fake eyelashes. When I was within reaching distance, Billy fingered the hem of my shirt, hand scraping against my hipbone. “I like that you dressed up for me.”
“You’re looking splendid, flower,” said Jett. “Glad all that face shit cleared up, the peeling was giving me nightmares.”
My face must have reflected my hurt because Billy slapped Jett upside his head. “Be more sensitive, asshole.” He turned back to me. “Don’t worry. You looked radiant with all that skin sloughing off your face. Like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.” His words made me melt. Just a little. “Now, do you fancy watching the show from the side or from the audience? I can put a security guard on you.”
I sucked in an uneasy breath. “I didn’t come to watch the show.”
Billy’s handsome face dimmed with disappointment. “No?”
“No.” Why did I suddenly feel so nervous? It was Trent’s fault. He’d put ideas in my head, thoughts of Billy actually caring what I did or whom I went out with. “I came to check in and see if you needed anything before I headed out on my date.”
Jett exhaled hard.
Billy’s hands went to his hips.
I recognized this move as a sign of his displeasure. I hurried on, feeling the absurd need to explain myself. “Remember, I told you Joseph asked me out back in San Francisco. We would’ve gone sooner, but then I got the sunburn and I wanted to …” I trailed off as Billy’s scowl deepened. “I told you about it,” I finished in a small defensive voice.
Billy grunted. “I thought it was some kind of sunburn hallucination. I didn’t think you were serious.”
I toed the ground. “Well, I was and we’re going out tonight.” Awkward didn’t come close to defining the moment.
The missing two band members decided to join the party. “We’re on in ten,” Chord said.
Turner twirled his drumsticks in his hands. “What’s the matter?” he asked, taking in Billy’s face.
“Flower and me need a minute, yeah?” Billy said over his shoulder. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me off to a corner. A security guard followed and set himself up a couple feet away. Not close enough to listen, but close enough to ward off over-eager fans and prying ears.
When Billy didn’t speak, I felt the need to break the silence. I filled my cheeks with air, then expelled it. “Sooo, I guess if you don’t need anything, I’ll be on my way.”
“Where’s little bird?” he asked.
“Oh, she’s staying the night with Paula and Fiona.” Paula was the light engineer, Steve’s, wife. They had a little girl, Fiona, and lived in Seattle. Last tour when we came through, Fiona and Addy had hit it off, so I’d arranged a sleepover when we came back into town, thinking Addy needed more friends her age.
“Paula and Fiona?”
“Yes. You remember them, don’t you?” He should. He had a background check run on both before allowing Addy to have a play date the last time. Overprotective bastard. It had been so embarrassing asking Paula for her daughter’s fingerprints and social security number.
He shook his head, his nostrils flared. “Nope. Not happening, flower. I want Addy to watch the show tonight. Go get her.”
Indignation stomped its way up my spine. “You never care about her watching the show.”
His mouth settled into a line of much unhappiness. “Well I certainly give a fuck now. I want her here.”
“Fine,” I said, my voice challenging. “I’ll get her. She can watch the concert with Trent. Then I’ll go on my date and be back before it’s over.”
His eyes widened then narrowed into slits. “We’ve got a strict no-fraternization policy.” His tone was even, controlled and infuriating.
“Do we?” I arched a single, perfectly plucked brow. Along with dressing up, I’d done a bit of grooming too.
“Yes.”
“Seriously?” I sputtered.
“No dating, flower.”
“Like while I’m working?”
“No. Never.”
I scoffed. “I don’t need your permission to date.”
“Well that’s good because you don’t have it.”
“Billy.” I softened my voice into gentle reasoning. “I want to go out, have an adult conversation.” My social life had always been in a sad state, but over the last two years it had hit an all-time low.
“We’re having one right now.”
“No, you’re having some sort of temper tantrum. And I can’t figure out why. What do you have against me going out with Joseph?” Say you want me too. Say you have feelings for me. Say the groupies and the parties don’t mean a fraction of what I mean to you, I thought.
He swiped an aggravated hand down his face. “What if I have a tutoring emergency?”
Seriously? “A tutoring emergency?”
“Yeah, what if I need to know the square root of sixty-four or something?”
“It’s eight.” I threw up my hands. “You’re impossible. Addy is staying the night at Paula’s. I’m going on my date.
” I went to pass him.
His hand darted out to grasp my upper arm. It took exactly three tenths of a second to register his bare skin on mine. Little shots of electricity zinged through my body.
“What about little bird? Addy comes first, isn’t that what you said? Gallivanting out with some random man puts her second, don’t you think?” He grated out against the shell of my ear. Two things registered at once. One, Billy had just recited verbatim the words I’d uttered to him after our kiss on Thanksgiving, which meant he remembered everything from that night. And two, he was acting like a colossal bitch. Oh yeah, men can be bitches, too.
I swallowed and jerked my arm from his hold. I stepped back, just a few inches. We were almost nose to nose. “You’re right I did say that.”
His chin jerked, all arrogant and self-congratulatory. He’d thought he’d won. “Glad you see it my way. Now, I remember requesting sparkling water and don’t see any here. Mind fixing that for me?”
Head meet explosion. Despite my raging anger, I kept my calm. “Of course, anything else you need?”
“No.” He sniffed. “Addy can stay the night at Paula’s I guess.”
“That’s good, she’d be disappointed if you made her come back. I’ll let Perry know you need your water.”
“Perry?” He seemed confused. Dummy. He didn’t actually think I was going to go along with his insane demands, did he?
“Yeah, he’ll be happy to get you whatever you need for the rest of the night. I’m going out with Joseph.” Ah, at last Billy was at a loss for words. I poked him the chest. “And don’t you ever throw that ‘Addy comes first’ bullshit back in my face again. I’ve put that little girl ahead of myself for almost two years. I’m going on a date. I’m going to have a fabulous time and you can fuck right off, Billy Wanks.” Even though my legs felt like Jell-O, I kept my spine straight and my head high as I walked away.
“You seem distracted.”
I gazed at the cute tutor sitting across from me. Everything about this date was right. The restaurant was cozy, all soft candlelight and burgundy walls. Even though it was crowded, each table was set far enough apart from the others to allow the diners privacy. Hushed conversations buzzed around us, a dreamy sea of voices. I’d ordered a steak and risotto, both cooked to perfection. Like I said, everything seemed right. Right restaurant. Right food. Right company. Still, I felt wrong. The pit in my stomach since my conversation-slash-argument with Billy hadn’t dissipated. I smiled at Joseph and sipped my wine. “I think I might have lost my job tonight.”
“Oh?” Joseph arched a single brow.
“I’m sorry.” I fiddled with the napkin in my lap. “I was trying not to talk about work.”
Joseph smiled, easy and genuine. “It’s okay. Tell me what’s on your mind.” I relayed the whole story. When done, Joseph whistled. “Wow, you really told him to eff off?”
Joseph never cussed, an endearing quality. After two years with the band, the f-word and other colorful combinations had become part of my vocabulary; I hardly noticed them anymore. I groaned. “Please tell me it’s not as bad as it sounds.”
My date cut into his steak, chewed a moment then swallowed. Clearly he needed to think about his answer. Perhaps he was trying to find a way to console me, but at the same time be realistic. I mentally prepared for Joseph to break the news. You’re definitely getting fired, he’d say. Then I’d cry. “I think Billy has feelings for you.”
His answer was so unexpected I was struck mute. Four slow blinks, then I burst out laughing. “I don’t think that’s possible. Billy’s a tin man, he doesn’t have a heart.” Or what heart he did have belonged solely to his daughter. All I wanted was a small sliver of it, was that too much to ask? I would settle for that. The bare minimum. I fully recognized the masochism in my thoughts. I’d always been too eager to please. No mother and an indifferent father, I let everyone walk all over me. Sure, I’d played pranks on Billy, but in the end he always won. I’d fetch his coffee, or put yellow-dyed mayonnaise in pudding cups or watch his daughter while he had an endless parade of groupies walking through his bedroom door. Come to think of it, I hadn’t seen a groupie do the walk of shame in a while. How long had it been? Months, maybe.
Joseph gave me a long-suffering sigh. He placed his napkin on the table and leaned forward. “I think you’re wrong. Billy has a soft spot for you.”
The idea was as scary as it was thrilling. My denial was quick. “I don’t—”
He flicked his fingers. “Billy’s feelings for you don’t concern me. What concerns me is that you might have feelings for him.”
I sat in silence for a moment, processing Joseph’s words. Of course I had feelings for Billy. On any given day they ranged from good to bad to in-between. I couldn’t deny I was attracted to my rock star boss. I thought of our Thanksgiving kiss often, and every time it got me hot and bothered. So yes, I did like Billy. I really liked him. But I sure as hell wasn’t ready to say it aloud, much less to a date. “You have nothing to worry about,” I said. Lie. Big lie.
Joseph sat back, relieved. “Thank goodness. I don’t think I could compete with a rock star.”
“No competition.” I smiled reassuringly, lying through my teeth. I convinced myself the lie was justified. A small measure of protection. A form of denial. If I didn’t speak about my feelings for Billy, they couldn’t possibly be real.
Joseph grinned. He was cute. We finished our meal and strolled through the near-empty Seattle streets. Joseph regaled me with funny stories about his time teaching.
“I miss the classroom,” I confessed. We’d made it back to the arena. A burly security guard checked our I.D.s and let us through the security fence. And now we were standing in front of the tour buses, all the windows were dark. The concert wasn’t over yet. The muted sound of music could be heard.
Joseph stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “You ever think of going back?”
My heart twisted. “When I first started it was all I could think about. I kept applying.” I shrugged. “I got a job offer soon after but …” I trailed off.
“Hey.” Joseph stepped closer. His hand cupped my chin. His palm was warm and his skin was soft. I kept myself from comparing his touch to Billy’s. “I understand it’s easy to get attached. Addy’s an awesome kid and I feel a great responsibility toward her.”
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“But this …” Joseph gestured at the arena, at the buses, at the fans lines up against the fence. “It’s not real, you know. The rock star life, it’s a fantasy.”
I nodded. Joseph was right. Someday Addy would be a teenager. She was already outgrowing her need for a nanny. She didn’t need me watching her every move. In fact, she resented my presence sometimes, a sure sign the middle school years were fast approaching. I longed for the days of cockroach funerals and costumes. Nostalgia gripped me tight. I was too attached, in over my head.
Joseph didn’t notice my mental war. He shuffled a little closer so we were toe-to-toe, nose to nose. “I had a really good time tonight.”
“Me, too.” I regarded him through my lashes.
His lips grazed mine. When I didn’t pull back, he kissed me again. His hands gripped my hips. My arms wrapped around his neck. He licked the seam of my lips and I opened my mouth. His tongue slid against mine. Little shots of electricity zinged through my spine, not as powerful as when Billy had kissed me. But the feeling was nice. Joseph withdrew, his eyes hazy. “Wanna go out again?” His hand drifted and gripped mine, interlacing our fingers.
“Yes,” I answered. My feelings for Billy were a fruitless endeavor, a seed without soil, nothing would grow from them. But Joseph was here. He was real and genuine and down to earth. I could cling to him. He’d keep me grounded. How easily I settled. I resisted the urge to feel pathetic.
He gave me a lopsided grin and kissed my cheek. “Goodnight.”
Joseph waited until I boarded my bus before climbing onto his. At the door, I gave him
a small wave. Inside, I didn’t bother to turn on any lights. I undressed in the dark and slipped into my bunk, pulling the curtain tightly closed.
I was still awake an hour later when the concert ended. I heard the hiss of the bus door opening, distinct footsteps, then a voice next to my bunk. “Flower?” It was Billy. I kept completely still, heart beating fast in my chest. “Are you awake? We need to talk.” I didn’t answer. If he was going to fire me, he could at least have the decency to do it in the morning. I’d like my humiliation to take place in the bright light of day. “How was your date? You’re in awfully early.” Still, I did not speak. I took a page from Billy’s book and threw a fit of my own. I settled into a snit-slash-pout. I was still angry with him. Even more so that he was creating all these unrequited feelings. My heart felt too soft, too malleable to speak to him just yet. Weird, how sadness and anger can war within you. “So that’s how it’s going to be, yeah?” His voice took on a hard edge. I’d pissed him off. I guess Billy was the only one allowed to be upset. Fuck that. Also there was that little thing about him remembering everything from Thanksgiving night. What game was Billy playing? Whatever it was, it wasn’t fair if only one player knew the rules. A tense moment of silence passed.
I would not speak.
I would not engage.
On the other side of the curtain I could practically hear Billy’s jaw grinding. He didn’t like being ignored. Good. I should remember that. “Fine,” Billy ground out. “You just remember while you’re here, you’re working. I don’t want any of your personal relationship to spill over, you got me?” I clenched my teeth together, stuck my hand out of the curtain and flicked my fingers. He was lucky I didn’t flip him the bird. Billy stomped from the bus. And that was that.
Hard Lessons: (A Wild Minds Prequel Novel) Page 10
