Hard Lessons: (A Wild Minds Prequel Novel)

by Charlotte West

  I gazed at him, eyes painfully full of tears. I shrugged. “Nothing to talk about.” My eyes darted away. “I’m not feeling too well. Too many pretzels.” I managed a dry laugh. “I’m going to take a shower and go to sleep. And you better get the puppy. I know you said you didn’t care about the cleaning bill but you don’t want him to wake Addy. She’ll be impossible to get back to sleep.”

  He stood there. Didn’t say anything. I could feel his stare on the crown of my head. A frustrated sound escaped me. I grew angry. Isn’t that what people did sometimes when they were hurt? My guard went up, way up. “Just go. Please, just fucking go.”

  He hesitated then sighed, the sound a surrender. He stepped to the door and was gone. My lungs seized, a sob threatened to burst forth. I’d had everything moments ago, and then I’d lost it. I heard the suite door open and slam shut. As quickly as possible, I picked up my clothes from the floor and retreated to my room. I didn’t bother locking the door. I knew Billy wouldn’t come for me. He’d let me go and I’d have to learn to do the same with him.

  The next day I spent in a daze. I phoned in my nannying responsibilities—feeding Addy, taking the dog, now named Sgt. Pepper, for a walk, playing board games … And Billy stayed absent. Probably at the arena for sound check or something. In the past, he would’ve hunted us down and demanded we visit him or have lunch together. My phone stayed silent, a two-ton weight in my purse. Coward.

  Addy complained of a tummy ache again. Too many pretzels and too much excitement the day before, I thought. Despite her bad stomach, Addy still wanted to explore Vegas. So we went out and I let the scenery distract me.

  Back at the hotel near dinnertime, Addy presented me with a homemade card. “I know we celebrated your birthday yesterday, but Billy told me today was your real birthday.” That’s right, I’d forgotten today was my actual birthday. My father had sent flowers, but they’d arrived yesterday. I opened the card. Addy had drawn a picture of a dolphin swimming under a rainbow with a leprechaun on its back. Happy birthday Daisy, she wrote in her best, messiest handwriting. I love you.

  I held the card to my chest. “This is the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.” I hugged Addy, cheek pressing to her cheek. Huh, her skin felt warm. Too warm. I pulled back and placed my palm against her forehead. “You feel hot.”

  “I am hot,” she said. “But then I get cold again.”

  “I think you’re running a fever.” I straightened and darted into the bathroom. I kept a medical kit for Addy, stocked with child’s aspirin, a thermometer, etc. I’d stashed it under one of the sinks when we’d unpacked. I stuck the thermometer under Addy’s tongue and directed her not to speak for a few minutes. An impossible task for a ten year old. We had to take her temperature twice more before getting an accurate reading. One hundred point three. I Google searched when to take a kid to the hospital. If her fever got above one hundred and three, we’d be heading for the emergency room.

  “Are we going to the concert tonight?” she asked as I tucked a blanket around her on the couch.

  “No, sweetheart. You’ve got a virus or something. You need to stay home and rest.” I clicked the television on and stroked Addy’s cheek. “I’m going to call room service and get you some chicken broth, then I’m going to call your father and tell him what’s going on.”

  Addy’s eyes fluttered shut. Poor girl was exhausted. I shouldn’t have let her insist we explore Vegas. Bad nanny.

  I dialed Billy’s number. Someone picked up on the third ring. “Billy Wanks’ phone, Perry speaking.”

  I frowned. Odd. Billy usually kept his personal phone on him. “Hey Perry, is Billy available?”

  “Oh, hey Daisy,” he said, as if he were surprised, like the stupid fucking phone didn’t have caller I.D. I’d programmed my number in there myself. In the background I heard girls laughing. Right, so they were at the arena or at a club, either place groupies would be present. “Billy’s a bit tied up right now. Can I give him a message?”

  So he was avoiding me. I already kind of knew this. Still, it hurt. He’d called me his best friend and made me believe it. I rubbed my chest. “Will you just let him know Addy’s running a slight fever? I think she’ll be okay, just the flu or something, but I thought he might like to know.”

  “Sure, yeah, I’ll tell him.” More laughter in the background. The band seemed to be having a great old time. When I was ten, everyone in my class had been invited to Tracy Wright’s birthday except for me. I kind of felt the same as I did back then—like I was on the outside, looking in.

  “Thanks, Perry. I’ll keep you updated.”

  The phone clicked. “Nice talking to you, too.” I spoke into the receiver.

  Addy moaned in her sleep. I roused from the armchair I’d been dozing in. The clock on the nightstand said two-thirty. Billy hadn’t come home yet. I knew for a fact the concert had ended two hours ago. It was all over social media, how epic the show had been. Yes, I’d been stalking Billy on Facebook. Turns out I was just another fan. I gathered the thermometer and touched Addy’s sweaty forehead. “Sweetheart, can you wake up for me for just a few minutes? I need to take your temperature.”

  “Don’t wanna,” she said. A thin sheet lay over her little body. After a cool bath and bowl of broth, I’d put her to bed. Despite Tylenol, her fever hovered around one hundred. I’d been re-checking every forty minutes or so.

  Somehow I managed to negotiate the thermometer under her tongue. Sixty seconds stretched into eons. The thing beeped and I pulled it out. One hundred and four. Shit. Tremors of fear ran through me. I’d also done some Google searching on high temps. They could be so dangerous, rob a child of their life.

  I kissed her brow. “Addy, we’re going to have to go to the hospital. I want you to sit tight while I grab a security guard, okay? Don’t worry, everything will be all right.” I said the words more for myself than for her. She was already sleeping again.

  Caleb, our bulldog bodyguard, was on night watch. I apprised him of the situation. He shook his head when I asked for a car to be brought around. “If the girl’s got that high of a fever, we should call an ambulance. She’ll be seen quicker by a doctor.”

  My hands shook as I dialed 911. An operator answered. “911, what is your emergency?”

  “I need help,” I said.

  “Well you did the right thing bringing her in,” the doctor at Valley Hospital medical center said. He scribbled something on Addy’s chart and replaced it at the end of her bed. I hated hospitals. Had since my mother spent her last few days in one. The antiseptic smell always brought forth unpleasant, painful memories. “This little girl has an appendix ready to burst. She’s going to need surgery in the next hour.”

  My heart fell to the floor. Surgery. Somehow my mind reasoned that this type of procedure was routine, but all I could think about was someone cutting into her. Blood spilling onto the floor. A mask over her face to keep her from waking up.

  “A nurse will be in shortly to prep her and for you to sign consent.” He paused and stepped closer to me. “Ma’am? Are you understanding what I’m telling you? Your daughter needs emergency surgery.”

  She looked so small in the hospital bed. Frail. They’d given her some medicine upon arriving and she seemed to be sleeping a bit more peacefully. “I’m not …” My voice sounded hoarse, far away. “I’m her nanny. I need to call her father.” In the chaos I hadn’t been able to phone Billy yet. Perry would probably answer anyway. But as soon as Billy knew something was happening with his daughter, he’d come running. I was sure.

  The doctor frowned. “Do you have the ability to give consent for the surgery? This is very urgent.”

  I shook out of my stupor. “Yes, yes I do.” I remember signing the paperwork and shoving it in my wallet when I’d first taken the position. I never thought I’d need the release.

  “Good.” The doctor strode from the room. A nurse entered soon after. We went through the necessary forms. I tried not to let my eyes linger on wor
ds like death or fatality or injury. As soon as the last page was signed, the papers were ripped from me and the room became a hive of activity. Wires were attached to Addy’s chest, a medication injected in her IV. Blessedly, she slept through all of it. They let me walk with her to the double doors leading to surgery.

  “We’ll take it from here, ma’am. Don’t worry, your daughter will be just fine.” A friendly nurse smiled warmly at me.

  I nodded and didn’t tell the nurse she wasn’t my daughter, like I’d done with the doctor. Because I felt that bond with Addy. Felt it in my bones. “I’ll be right out here. Please come get me as soon as she’s done. I don’t want her to wake up alone.”

  “Of course,” the nurse said as the door swung shut behind her. I waited a moment, watching through the little window as the entourage disappeared down a hallway.

  Someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned to see Caleb. Our bulldog hadn’t left our sides, he’d trailed us in the ambulance then stood outside the hospital room. A silent vigil.

  “She’ll be all right,” he said, patting my shoulder with a meaty paw. “My brother’s kid had the same thing happen and he was just fine. He’s a teen now, eating them out of house and home.”

  “Thanks, in my head I know she’ll be fine but my heart isn’t getting the message.”

  Another rough pat. “I called Billy. He’s on his way.”

  Turns out having an organ removed only takes thirty minutes. According to the surgeon, a middle-aged man with greying hair, the procedure went “beautifully.” Addy was wheeled into the post-surgery unit. I followed her there. She was just waking up when Billy arrived.

  I sat in a chair close to her bed, her small hand clutched in mine.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, is she all right?” Billy stepped into the room. Sweat soaked his T-shirt. He hadn’t changed after the concert or he’d been somewhere with lots of hot bodies. I decided to believe he hadn’t changed. He came closer and I caught the smell of whiskey on him. He wasn’t drunk but wherever he’d been, he was having a good time. “Little bird?” He touched her cheek. She stirred but didn’t wake. “What the fuck, why won’t she open her eyes?” he spit the words at me, all accusatory and angry.

  I took a deep breath, tried to muster some empathy for the man. He’d been given a scare. He was worried. I’d give him a little leeway. “She just got out of surgery, Billy. The doctor said she woke up right after the procedure but then fell back asleep. She’s fine. And she’ll wake up when she’s ready,” I calmly explained.

  “And where were you?” he sneered, hands on his hips.

  “I’m sorry?” I sought clarification.

  “Where were you while my kid was running a fever and feeling like shit?”

  A nurse knocked softly on the door. “I’m just here to check our girl’s vitals. Don’t mind me.” She sauntered into the room and started doing whatever nurses do. Thankfully, she didn’t recognize Billy. Caleb had already called and requested extra security at the hospital.

  “I was right beside her. I took her temperature every forty minutes and when it spiked, I called an ambulance. I’ve been with her the whole time,” I spoke lowly and directly to Billy. Fuck it, if the nurse heard. She’d know what an asshole he was being.

  The nurse seemed oblivious, though. She smiled brightly at Billy and me. “Looks like our girl is waking up.” Indeed, Addy’s eyelids twitched then fluttered open. Her green eyes seemed hazy.

  “Little bird?” Billy crouched by the bed next to me, he smoothed a hand over Addy’s dark hair. To have him so close after his coldness all day, seemed like a punishment. “Daddy’s here.”

  Addy smiled, focusing on her father. “Billy,” she said. Then her gaze drifted to me. “Mommy,” she sighed.

  My heart softened at the exclamation. I felt humbled and honored at the same time. Beside me, Billy stiffened. The nurse left, completely oblivious to what had just transpired. Addy had called me mommy. All at once, I remembered my conversation with Billy. My own kid won’t even call me dad.

  I touched his arm. “She didn’t mean that, she’s still all hopped up on drugs. She was asking for you the whole ambulance ride.”

  He jerked away. Shook his head slowly. “This whole day is fucked.” He stood. I stared at him, unsure of what to do or say. His frustrated anger washed over me. “I’m going to get a breath of fresh air. Call me as soon as she wakes back up.”

  I’m selfish with the things I love, he’d also said. He loved Addy, but not me. Never me. Billy didn’t like to share, especially his own daughter. Addy’s closeness to me must feel like a threat. I understood Billy’s point of view but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Kind of like a knife slicing through me. I’d convinced myself I was a part of their world. But I was just a visitor. Billy had never invited me to move in. Twenty pain-filled minutes passed, I watched Addy sleep with tears streaming down my face. A small part of me had hoped Billy would deal with my declaration of love and we could move forward, move on. But I think his heart had just closed to me even more. Impenetrable. Untamable. Unable to love, at least me. That was Billy Wanks. Also, I was exhausted. I’d been up all night with Addy.

  In the bed, Addy stirred again and blinked open her eyes. “Daddy?” she asked me. Her voice was small and hoarse. I leapt from my chair, pushing it back, the sound made an awful scraping noise. “He was just here, sweetheart.” I didn’t get very good cell reception in the hospital. “Let me see if I can find him.” I pushed a button to call a nurse. The same one from before emerged a few minutes later. “Can you stay with her while I find her father?”

  The nurse smiled and said, “Of course.” She sat on the edge of Addy’s bed and spoke softly to her.

  I left the room and was surprised to see the band. Jett, Chord and Turner were all in the hallway. A bevy of nurses had also gathered. More security had showed up.

  I faced Jett. “Have you seen Billy? Addy’s asking for him.”

  Jett ran a hand through his curly mane. His eyes darted to the left, to the gaggle of nurses, then back to me. “I think I know where he went. Why don’t you let me fetch him for you?”

  I edged sideways a bit. Jett moved to block my path. Gritting my teeth, I said, “Thanks Jett but I’ll get him myself. I’m assuming he went this way …” I gestured to the left … “Next time try not to move your eyes. It’s a dead giveaway you’re trying to hide something or cover for someone.”

  Jett shook his head. “I really don’t think you should go over there.”

  My hands balled into fists. “Move, Jett.”

  Jett just looked at me, big body still in my path. “He was really upset when he got the phone call. He’s been off all day.”

  I inhaled sharply and stepped forward, ramming my shoulder into Jett’s arm. Damn, that hurt. The physical pain momentarily distracted me from my emotional aches. The nurses parted like the Red Sea as I barreled through. A bend in the hallway and I found him. Well, them.

  Billy stood with his back to me. He braced his hands on a wall, and caged between those magnificent arms was a nurse. She giggled at something Billy whispered. The nurse was cute. Way cuter than me, who had been up for twenty-four hours and wore a sweater more suited for a grandfather. At least they weren’t kissing. It was a small consolation. The intimacy of their stance spoke volumes. If they weren’t kissing, they were about to.

  Numbness spread through my veins. I started to back away, my sneakered feet squeaked against the linoleum floor. Damn hospitals and their cheap flooring. Billy broke away from the nurse and turned toward me. He looked ashamed, or maybe chagrined. I was interrupting his fuck fest after all.

  “Flower,” he growled out, face drawn.

  And just like that I gave up. I’d taken everything Billy had ever dished out and given it back twofold. But my defenses had all crumbled. I had nothing left. My voice sounded hollow as I spoke, “Um, sorry to interrupt.” I wanted to hit myself for apologizing. Doormat Daisy reared her ugly head. I straightened. “A
ctually, I’m not sorry. Addy is asking for you.” A muscle popped in Billy’s jaw. I rambled on, feeling colder and colder, “You wouldn’t believe it, she opened her eyes and said daddy. I wanted to tell you, I thought you might be happy or relieved she finally called you that. But I can see you’re kind of busy. Anyway, I haven’t had much sleep, so if it’s okay with you I’m going to go back to the hotel.”

  I swiveled and started to walk away, keeping my stride slow and steady.

  “Flower?” the nurse said in the cutest voice ever. “That’s an unusual name. Who is she?”

  “That’s not her name.” I heard Billy say, a little bite to his tone. “Her name’s Daisy and she’s the nanny.”

  I winced. The nanny. Not my nanny. It was another reminder of my place in his life. I was an employee. Dispensable. Replaceable.

  I slept for a few hours. When I woke nothing felt better. My spirit was still crushed, my heart still broken. But I didn’t cry. It was as if my brain had decided we’d shed enough tears. Any more weeping and I might self-destruct. I texted Jett for an update on Addy. He replied she was doing fine, Billy hadn’t left her side since I’d gone.

  Afternoon light filled my room. I gazed at the closet. My suitcase was inside. When we’d arrived I’d unpacked everything into drawers. When had I started to do that? The first year, I’d lived out of my bags. Then I’d gotten comfortable. Thought I’d be staying for the long term. My birthday gifts littered the dresser. Looking at them made me feel sick, so I turned my cheek. At the hospital I’d forgotten it was my birthday. I was twenty-six now and in love with a thirty-year-old rocker. And what did I have to show for it? Not much. Not much at all. The nannying gig was supposed to be temporary. I’d sacrificed my wants and desires for Billy and Addy’s. Because the desire to be near them was greater than my desire to teach. I loved them with the ferocity of a thousand suns. The problem with loving people like that was they couldn’t ever possibly love you the same. It was time I loved myself more, time for me to leave. While I packed, I grieved for Addy. Hopefully in time she would understand.