Hard Lessons: (A Wild Minds Prequel Novel)

by Charlotte West

  The suite door opened and closed. Footsteps padded down the hall. Billy leaned against the doorjamb. Dark circles hung under his eyes. “Hey,” he said.

  “Hi.” I kept folding my clothes, kept my eyes averted. “How’s Addy?”

  “Trent and Jett are with her. I just came to pick up her pillowcase.” Addy’s blankie. “Turner said he would get it but I didn’t trust him not to get shit all over it.”

  I managed a smile. A very, very tiny one.

  “I’ve been calling but you haven’t picked up. I was worried.”

  I pursed my lips. “I turned my phone off while I was sleeping. I guess I forgot to turn the ringer back on.”

  “I also came to see if you’re all right.”

  What a complicated question. “I’m fine,” I said. If fine meant broken hearted and numb and cold all over.

  Billy swore. He stepped into the room. “You don’t seem fine. You seem pissed.” How very astute of him. I said nothing. “I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “Her?”

  “That nurse. I didn’t fuck her.”

  “Oh.”

  “Oh? That’s all you got to say?”

  I stared at him, incredulous. “Do you expect me to say thank you for not fucking her?”

  He grinned. “I guess not. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t, that our deal is still on.” A deal. I had a relationship and Billy had a deal.

  He ran a hand through his hair. His gaze settled on my open suitcase. Little frown lines appeared in his forehead. “You’re packing. I’ve canceled the next three shows. We’re going to stay here until Addy is up and running again.” So he thought I was prepping for the next jump.

  “I’m leaving, Billy.”

  He sucked in a breath, thought about it for a second and nodded. “Okay. That’s good. You going to visit the Colonel or something?”

  Why was he drawing this out? He couldn’t be that obtuse. “I am going home but not for a visit. There are a couple job opportunities on base my father can help me pursue. I’m going back to teaching.” I had to face the facts. I was a fill-in. A substitute mother for Addy, an occasional lover to Billy. None of this had any permanence. In order to stay in their lives I’d made myself pliable. Time to grow a backbone.

  “Are you fucking serious?” His face hardened into fury.

  “I’ve contacted the service that connected me with you and let your managers know. A new candidate should be here by tomorrow. I think you can handle everything until then.”

  “What about Addy? She’s in the hospital, in case you forgot,” he snarled.

  Wow, low blow. Way to hit a girl where it hurts. “She can call me any time she wants, any time day or night, I’ll pick up.”

  He snorted and crossed his arms. “So you’re abandoning us then?”

  You can’t abandon something you never had. “I’m doing what I need to do. For years, I’ve made you and Addy the center of my life.” It was as Billy had drawn that Thanksgiving night. The Venn diagram come to life. I’m your universe you just don’t know it yet, he’d said. “It’s not your fault. You and Addy didn’t do anything wrong.” Billy had made his limitations clear from the beginning. And Addy was just a kid. The emotional abandonment by my father made me needy. Made me do things for people I wouldn’t normally do. Made me give and give even at the expense of myself. Made it so I wore my heart on my sleeve, my bleeding, soft heart. Now wonder it was so easy for Billy to snatch it up. I’d been holding it right under his nose.

  Billy’s hands curled into white-knuckled fists at his sides. “You’re still tired. You’re not thinking clearly. I’ve heard of this, you’ve suffered some traumatic experience or shit with Addy going to the hospital. You just need a few more hours of sleep.”

  I sighed and kept folding T-shirts. The clothing was snatched out of my hands. “Stop fucking packing.” He grabbed handfuls of clothes from my suitcase and dropped them on the bed.

  “Don’t,” I hissed, fisting the crumpled clothes and stuffing them back into the suitcase. “I’m not traumatized. I don’t need more sleep. I’m leaving. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.”

  He scoffed at that. “You’re Addy’s nanny.”

  “What happens when she doesn’t need a nanny anymore?” In a few years Addy would be a teen. She would begrudge a nanny following her around all day. So uncool.

  His mouth screwed down into a frown. “I don’t know. Why the fuck are we talking about this?”

  I shook my head, sorry I’d started down this line of conversation. I might as well see it through. “There’s no security for me here. No commitment. I need to look after myself, my career.”

  “No commitment? Are you talking about us? That shit you said the other night?” Shit being my declaration of love. “You want a fucking commitment from me, is that it? Fine, we’re fucking boyfriend and girlfriend. You’ve got to label everything. Now put your shit away and come with me to the hospital.”

  I looked down at my suitcase, gathered my thoughts, stilled my trembling hands. “I deserve more than a promise squeezed out of you because you’re pissed and afraid I’m going to leave.” A deep breath. My eyes connected with his furious greens. “I told you I loved you. Do you feel the same?” Hello heart? There you are in my palm, an offering one last time to Billy.

  He jerked his head, the muscle in his jaw went pop. “I get you hotel rooms with big bathrooms and sweaters and phones. Whatever you’ve ever asked for I’ve done.” Except love me. “But you want more? Fine. I’ll double your salary.” He nodded like it was all settled.

  All at once everything crystallized and made sense. Oh man, I hadn’t considered this. Billy had said his parents wanted money. Was Billy’s lavish spending a way to keep people in his life? The answer was obvious. Yes. Billy equated love with gifts. So screwed up. So sad. The realization was almost, almost enough for me to unpack. “Do you know why I loved all those things?” I hugged a camisole to my chest. “Because it showed you were listening to me. It wasn’t because they cost so much. I would’ve been happy watching bootlegged reruns of the game show and eating a bag of pretzels from 7-11.” I lowered my voice. “I’m not your parents Billy. Take away the money, the fame and I’d still want to be here with you.”

  “Yet you’re leaving,” he said, downright mean.

  I shrugged. “Some things money can’t buy. I told you I loved you. I ask you again, do you love me?”

  “You know I care about you.”

  I tucked my heart back away. It was wounded but still beating. “You care about your vintage shirts but you could live without them. Love is entirely different. I used to think it was about sacrifice but it’s not. It’s about respect and compromise and both parties being happy.”

  He wouldn’t look at me. “If I could love someone it would be you.”

  Well that was something, but it wasn’t enough. I finished tucking my clothes back into my suitcase. “I want kids someday, Billy.” He flinched like I’d sucker punched him. “Not now, not tomorrow, but someday.”

  He paced in front of me. “I told you I wasn’t the kind of man to build white picket fences.”

  “I know.” I gave him a watery smile. “It’s something I love about you the most. You’re a free spirit. I don’t want to live in the burbs or have a nuclear family. But I do want a baby someday, and a man who loves me to distraction. I deserve that.” I wouldn’t settle for less. At least, not anymore. Doormat Daisy was officially dead.

  I zipped up my suitcase and checked my phone. “My flight leaves in a few hours. I need to head to the airport. I’ll call Addy tomorrow and check in. I’ll explain everything to her. You don’t have to. I’ve left all the birthday gifts you gave me yesterday. I think you’ll be able to return most of them. Except for the pendant, I’d like to keep that one if you don’t mind. I’ll pay you for it, if you just send me the bill.” I lugged my suitcase off the bed. My whole life was tucked inside there.

  I put my head down and pulli
ng the suitcase behind me, passed Billy. Our shoulders brushed, our last touch.

  “Don’t think I’m going to chase after you,” he warned, voice low and furious.

  “Okay.” I continued my walk.

  “You fucking leave and that’s it, you’re dead to me.”

  “I understand.”

  “And you can forget about talking to Addy tomorrow. I’ll tell her myself.”

  “That’s your choice.” I kept going. Behind me a door slammed. Objects hit the wall. Billy was breaking things. He’d have a hell of hotel bill. Not that he cared. My shoulders slumped. I didn’t have any fight left in me. If Billy Wanks wanted this relationship he’d have to fight this time. Secretly I hoped he would. But I knew he wouldn’t. It wasn’t in his nature. He was a scorpion and I was frog. All I’d ever get out of him was a free ride and a vicious sting.

  I was back in Tampa’s sticky heat just as the sun sunk beneath the horizon. I hailed a cab and arrived at my father’s house near dinnertime. The Colonel lived on base in military housing. He could’ve lived off base, something I wished he’d done when I was growing up. But we moved around too much to make that plausible. Military housing was easy to move in and out of. Thinking about it, I guess that’s why I dealt so well with Billy’s lifestyle. My youth had been spent in transition. Billy didn’t want to put down roots. I didn’t know how to. But I wanted to. I wanted to plant myself with someone, grow a life. I paid the cabbie and tipped him well for helping with my suitcase. As he drove away, I stared at the grey stucco house. I’d never lived in this house. My father was stationed at Tampa long after I graduated high school. When I came to visit, I slept in a spare bedroom devoid of personal touches. The tour bus and hotel rooms felt more comfortable than my father’s house.

  Sighing, I dragged my suitcase down the driveway and up the stairs leading to the front door. I knocked. The door opened. My father stood there, napkin in hand, uniform still on. I glanced at my watch: 1900, dinnertime. The Colonel loved his rituals and always ate supper at the same time.

  “Daisy?” he asked, surprise coloring his tone. That’s right, I hadn’t called to warn him I was coming. I’d fled Vegas, my only thought to get somewhere I felt safe. And really, my father was my only choice. I’d given up my apartment long ago.

  “Hi Dad.” I managed a light voice. Almost carefree. “Surprise,” I said, then broke down into tears. I guess I wasn’t as numb as I thought I was. Turns out I was a little bitch when my heart got broken.

  The Colonel never quite knew what do when I cried as a child, and he sure as hell didn’t know what to do now. We sat at the dining room table, a solid oak monstrosity. Nearby the Colonel’s dinner sat, potatoes and some type of meat. He leaned back in his chair, one leg resting on the other, and gazed at me.

  I dabbed my eyes with one of his linen napkins. “I quit my job,” I said.

  He blinked. “I surmised as much.”

  “I fell in love with my boss.”

  His face remained impassively blank. He’d been a handsome guy when he’d married my mother. Age hadn’t affected his looks. Now he was more silver fox than Captain America. “Need me to make a phone call? Doesn’t matter how famous the guy is, I can have his body parts scattered in seven different seas. Nobody would ever know.”

  I chuckled, twisting the napkin in my hands. “That’s sweet but no.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked completely serious. “What do you think happened to Elvis?”

  “Uh, he died of a drug overdose.”

  “That’s what everyone believes.”

  I stared at my father. His mouth turned up just a little bit. The Colonel had made a joke. I laughed, then started to weep again.

  “Daisy,” he sighed. “This is one of those times I wish your mother was still here.” I’d heard this phrase often during childhood. “What can I do?”

  The Colonel always wanted to fix a problem. Case in point, a man broke my heart, let’s make him disappear. But I didn’t think there was any “fixing” a broken heart, I just needed to let it heal. Still, I wanted to assuage some of my father’s obvious discomfort. He was trying. “Mom used to make me tea and cookies.”

  His chin dipped. “I don’t have any cookies, but I’m pretty sure I have tea.”

  “That’ll do.”

  He left and I heard him rummage around in the kitchen. Minutes later a teakettle whistled. He returned with a cup of chamomile tea. I blew on it and sipped. He sat back again and regarded me through dark eyes.

  “So killing is off the table?”

  I smiled against the rim of my cup. The Colonel had made another joke. He was two for two. “No, thank you.”

  “I never really liked the guy,” he grumped.

  “You only spoke with him once. On the phone.” Billy and my father were so alike. Well, the Colonel didn’t quite have Billy’s sense of humor, or his zest for life. Still, there were some similarities. I could picture Billy making Addy the same offer later in life after the first guy broke her heart. Only Billy would want to string the man up by his entrails, something a little more showy and glamorous.

  My father leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands clasped. He leveled me with a stare. “You’ve got to help me out here, sweetheart. Tell me what else I can do.”

  I smiled brightly. “You can give me a place to stay.”

  He nodded once. “Done.”

  “And you can help me find a job.” Schools on base gave hiring preference to military personal and their families. Nepotism had never really been my thing. But today, I was grateful for it. I could use a little advantage. Especially since I felt as if I’d been kicked into the gutter.

  Another head bob. “You got it.”

  Four weeks later.

  Teaching wasn’t how I remembered it. My father helped secure me a long-term sub job for a teacher on maternity leave in a second-grade classroom. Next year, he assured me, there’d be something full time available. I had started making a life in Florida. It paled in comparison to what I’d had with Billy and Addy, the whole band. I missed them all with a fierce ache. I’d been in touch with Jett and Trent, checking in on Addy. She hadn’t recovered well from her surgery, and Billy ended up canceling more shows to stay in Vegas.

  “Do you think I should come back?” I asked Trent the other night on the phone. I had a long weekend coming up. I could fly and see her, make sure she was all right. In my heart I knew it was a bad idea and was grateful when Trent rejected it.

  “No,” he said, all gruff and sympathetic. “I don’t think now’s a good time. Billy’s working through some shit.”

  A snot-nosed seven-year-old yanked on my skirt, nearly pulling it down. I removed his sticky fingers from my garment. “What’s up Teddy?” I asked.

  “I’m done with my picture, what should I do now?” He held up a piece of paper with red crayon scribbles all over it. Two weeks into my sub job and I was tired. Teaching was taxing, mentally and physically. On the upside, I hadn’t thought of Billy much. Only at night, in the dark when I was alone.

  “It’s time to start your story then,” I said, pushing him back toward his table. I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes until lunch. Better get the kiddos to start cleaning up. Another thing I’d forgotten: how long it takes to get a group of second graders out the door. It was like herding cats. I made my way to the head of the classroom, ready to clap my hands for attention. And Teddy was back at my skirt, yanking away again.

  “Yes?” I asked, bending slightly at the waist.

  “There’s a man here,” he whispered, doing a bang-up impression of the kid from The Sixth Sense. I wondered if Teddy might benefit from a visit to the school counselor. “He’s from the posters in my sister’s bedroom.” Yeah, definitely calling the counselor during my lunch.

  “That’s nice—” A figure in the classroom caught my eye. Tall. Blond. Tattooed. Billy was here? I squinted. It couldn’t be.

  A little girl whined, “Ms. Clemmens, who is he?” The class was sil
ent, wary and watching.

  “Billy,” I choked out. I still couldn’t quite believe. Had my broken heart finally driven me mad? Maybe I was the one in need of a counselor, or worse, a psyche ward.

  He smirked. “Ah, you’re speechless. You know I like you best this way.” He tilted his head. “Then again I do enjoy your smart mouth. You use it so cleverly.” This said with a wink.

  I put my hands over Teddy’s ears. Not like it would do any good. Twenty other children had heard Billy. Hopefully they were too young to understand his double entendre. “There are children present.” My students grew restless.

  Billy sauntered toward me, weaving through second graders and low tables. I stepped back as he stepped closer.

  I used Teddy as a shield, a barrier between Billy and me. Poor kid. “Is Addy okay?” It was the only reason I could think of for Billy’s sudden appearance. I caught a whiff of his spicy cologne. Everything, all the feelings I’d suppressed for him, ignited inside me. Fuck, I’d thought I was over him. Or at least, getting over him.

  “She’s fine. In fact, she’s right outside. She’s looking forward to seeing you. We would’ve come sooner, but she needed to fully recover from her surgery.”

  “I heard.” My throat was dry, full of dust. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.”

  The lunch bell rang, me and the students stayed frozen in place.

  He nodded. “That’s my fault. I was an asshole. I didn’t know how to process everything that was happening. I’m sorry.”

  “Apology accepted,” I said. My heart pounded hard.

  “You look beautiful, flower,” he said. I so didn’t. My blouse had stains on it, courtesy of an overzealous second grader with a juice box, and my hair was in a messy knot; I’d been too tired that morning to wash or style it.

  Marcy, a second grader who picked her nose far too often, sighed and said, “Aw.”