Rosemary also felt a duty of care toward Emily.
The daughter of schoolteachers – now a schoolteacher herself – and a fellow Englishwoman from Wolverhampton, Emily’s petty bourgeois pretentions played right into the older woman’s hands.
Rosemary reserved all her spleen for Eban Barnard, however.
What was a man in his fifties doing living in a communal arrangement such as this?
Surely his civil servant’s position could have secured him accommodation amongst his own ‘tribe’?
Where was his family?
His home?
What did he have to hide, fraudulently living here amongst the bohemian set and those of a higher intellectual calling?
She was particularly disapproving of his ‘arrangement’ with Emily and would listen for movement on the stairs as they passed between each other’s rooms.
Now she saw yet another opportunity to drive a wedge.
“Thank goodness Pascal is not at home. Frankly Emily, I’m disappointed that you should even consider him…” – she paused, looking for the right word – “…complicit in such a thing. And he speaks so highly of you too – and your recorder-playing.”
Pascal and Rosemary had been encouraging Emily to pursue an interest in playing madrigals on the recorder.
Pascal – whose strong equine features were not unattractive – naturally practised a well-developed Gallic facility with amorous ambiguity, thus allowing both of the women in the house to perceive subtle advances where none had been made, and to entertain daydreams of accidental sexual encounters, pressed up against his cologned, hard, sinewy firmness on the landing.
“Well…” Emily trailed off, pulling at her lank hair, breaking away from Rosemary’s gaze and staring at the ground like an admonished child.
“And just look at state of that lino. Sodden!”
Eban turned on his heel and marched away, closing the door of his room behind him and locking it. He sat on the edge of his unmade bed, detecting a faint whiff of pee from the sheets.
Maybe they were right.
The curse of the uncircumcised.
At fifty-two he had the depressing thought that his room smelled of ‘old man’.
Pathetic.
He was not entirely disappointed by Emily’s capitulation.
His expectations of her support when challenged by Rosemary were realistically tempered. He knew that he possessed no actual currency that the other three housemates valued.
And that he had made no real attempt to seek their approval through the obsequiousness they expected. He did not speak of his life, his family, his hopes and fears to these people.
Or to anyone else for that matter.
It was not that he had nothing to say.
Quite the contrary.
If he spoke at all, he feared that it would be of his past and his memories. His nightmares. Of things left unresolved. Of images held fast, far behind his tired grey eyes.
On a loop.
Repeating.
And if he started, he knew full well that he would not be able to stop.
5
Shankill Road,
Belfast, Northern Ireland
April 1970
Jim Bell made you fight your best friend.
That’s what he did.
That was his thing.
Stealing your dinner money or flicking your left testicle to leave you doubled over in agony weren’t enough for Jim.
Oh no.
He wasn’t much to look at. Just a stringy lad, like the rest of them, in regulation grey jumper, shorts and crooked school tie.
But Jim was different. He had a capacity for an inventive cruelty beyond his years. A devious nature. An animal cunning that screwed up his face when he smiled and turned his eyes into slits. The kind of child who did bad things to insects and small birds for the benefit of an audience. He had authority amongst the other boys, because something of that malevolence had chillingly communicated itself. The implication that he would go further – might go all the way if it came to it – until he did something very wrong indeed. The children didn’t fully understand it, but they were afraid of it just the same.
So when it was your turn, ‘Dinger’ Bell made you fight your best friend.
In front of what seemed like the whole school. Up a back alley, after lessons. It was either that or fight him. And no-one wanted to do that.
In the days running up to your ordeal, elaborate and clandestine choreography ensued. Best friends met secretly and practised.
Eban and his best mate, Stevie Burns, rehearsed their most plausible moves: half-kicks; feigned punches; full-body grappling; hair-tugging. Until they were adept and proficient in the art of pseudo-violence.
All had to appear utterly authentic.
Dinger knew when you were faking it.
They had been friends since Primary Class 2.
Batman and Robin, with duffle coats for capes.
Hannibal Heyes and ‘Kid’ Curry on bikes for horses.
Stevie was a strong lad, who had filled out early.
He could have beaten Eban in a fight any day of the week. Come to that, he could probably have taken Dinger Bell as well.
But as the boys were learning, in Belfast these days, it was no longer about how hard you were. But rather, how ‘mental’.
*
So here they now were, circling each other menacingly.
As their peers screamed for blood and Dinger looked on.
Tight-closed lips stretched like an old hag’s smile.
They rolled around on the ground, perspiring with mock malice, grunting with real effort, whilst trying to avoid the stools and pellets of dog faeces that littered the back alley.
It usually finished in the same way.
One or other of the combatants sat astride their adversary, pinning his arms down and dangling gob precariously over his face.
If you were lucky, an adult might happen upon the ruction and all would flee, whooping and laughing. Or sometimes one of the girls would insist that it should stop or they’d tell.
But only if they liked you.
As Eban lay on his back panting, helplessly defeated, staring at the ribbon of sky above him, his mind turned to McGrew’s burned-out shell of a pub.
To an imagined land of solitude, seclusion and sanctuary.
Wiping his face with the back of his sleeve, he silently resolved to find a way in there.
6
In truth he was flabbergasted. And it took him all of his poise under pressure not to show it.
She sat across the desk from him like this was the most natural thing in the world for her.
Young people today. It just popped into his mind. He hated himself for his Puritanism and felt ancient, but was desperately struggling to appear blasé.
Officer Helen Totton uncrossed and re-crossed her legs, leaned back and cupped her linked fingers behind her neck, massaging it. It made her breasts strain against the buttons of her regulation white polyester shirt. She pushed the chair back on two legs and flicked her blonde ponytail to one side.
“Anyway, it’s something to think about. You can let me know.”
“Sure… right…” He was still affecting an unconvincing nonchalance.
She stood up to go, smoothing down the creases of her black pencil skirt. He stood as well, half-tempted to come around the desk and seize the moment. His pulse was racing, but he simply didn’t know how to react appropriately.
His phone rang. They looked at each other.
“I better take that.”
“Of course… you’re a busy man.”
She moved toward the door. He was looking at her in a wholly different way now.
The curve of her back, her bra-strap visible through the material of her shirt, her buttocks, smooth, round and elevated, split by the zipper of her skirt. He wondered if she was wearing black tights or stockings.
And how she would walk in stilettos and not the flats required as s
tandard uniform wear.
“See ya.” She threw it back over her shoulder as she left.
It was Sam Coulter, the team sergeant.
“Monday morning blues, chief,” he said cheerily. “You asked me to let you know about any change in the frequency of requests from punters.”
He paused for effect. “Up 35%!”
Coulter was referring to the response from the public following a revamping of the Historical Enquiries Team website.
Normally Dan Watson would have groaned audibly and made some cryptic quip about being careful what you wish for. Instead he wanted to share with Coulter what had just happened.
How Officer Helen Totton –newly assigned to the team, blonde, twenty-something, divorced – had propositioned him. There was no other word for it.
She must be half my age, he wanted to brag to Coulter. Asked to see me… came right out with it.
“I just wanted to say, sir, if you are… well… attending any overnighters; conferences; whatever… I’d be happy to go along with you. No strings… just a bit of fun.”
He almost laughed out loud at the thought of it.
“Dan? Sir…?”
Watson roused himself.
“Right Sam… right… drop the new applications in to me when you get a chance and we’ll go over them.”
“Will do.”
*
He felt giddy.
Like a schoolboy.
He wanted to call her back in. To close the blinds. Press her hard up against the filing cabinets. To let his hands and his tongue give her his answer.
Instead he found himself looking at the graduation photos of his son and daughter on his desk: Alison in Bristol, Roddy in Hull. It calmed him.
But the box was now open.
She obviously knew he was married and her superior.
How ballsy was that? he thought.
When he saw Officer Totton again; in the canteen, at briefings, in the car park. The frisson of their both knowing. Even if nothing happened. The opportunity was there now. The unobserved electricity that would now fly between them. His ego couldn’t help but be stroked.
He’d been a largely faithful husband across the thirty-years-plus span of his marriage.
Indiscretions declining proportionately with his libido, his rubric was that he would never intentionally stray, never go looking for other women. It was the deal he made with himself.
However, in the unlikely event that other women should go looking for him… well…
He knew this was a dubious qualification. A moral salve. A flag of convenience. Women were hit on all the time by men and they were expected to rise above it.
Elaine, his wife was still an attractive woman for her age. What if she applied the same code? How would he feel? He pushed these thoughts away.
Christ, it’s a different generation… I could have her up on disciplinary charges for fuck sake, and how stupid would that make me look?
He would have to try to put it out of his mind or he would quite possibly spend the rest of the day thinking about getting away with it. Or more. His imagination was racing again.
Leaving Elaine. Starting a new life with a younger woman. The oldest dad at the school parents’ meetings. The sex… couldn’t keep up with her. The whispers. Career suicide. And Elaine… it would crush her. All that work building a life together; thrown away for a bit of skirt.
No fool like an old fool.
He could do with a drink.
Maybe he would pull Helen Totton’s file over lunch. Get some background on her. Was she a loose cannon? Could she really be trusted to be discreet?
That would be the logical thing to do.
He opened his briefcase and removed a memory stick. He had to give a presentation at the city hall to some visiting American politicians on Friday, regarding the work of the HET. That was all fairly rudimentary. But they’d asked him to write an introduction to the event to be delivered by the top brass, and that could be tricky. As could the fact that local politicians would be in attendance, and they had got a sniff of potential funding from the Yanks.
He plugged in the device and punched up the PowerPoint.
The first slide appeared on screen and he crossed the room to turn on the projector. Returning, he moved through the proposed presentation.
He was happy with it. And anyway, he knew that the CC would be out the door the minute the tough questions began.
“Unfortunately I have a prior engagement. Just let me hand you over to my colleague Detective Inspector Watson for clarification. I’m sure he can handle any questions you might have.”
He thought of Helen Totton standing at the back of the hall, clipboard in hand, all frosted pink lipstick and big blue eyes. His hands went deeper into his trouser pockets.
7
The Leisure and Tourism Department of the council offices housed the Good Relations section, and was Eban’s place of gainful employment.
On the ostentatious grounds of an old Georgian manor house, the department appeared to offer a pleasant enough working environment when viewed from the road which ran by the security-gated entrance.
It was in this building that Eban had originally attended for interview many years ago, and it was here where he (not unreasonably) assumed would be the location of his future employ. But he was soon to learn that the old building was the exclusive domain of the senior council apparatchiks and jealously guarded as such.
The bus dropped him at the security hut where daily he would exchange innocent inanities regarding the fortunes of Manchester United with Frank, the retiree who opened and closed the gates all day. He walked by the ‘big house’, down the service slip road and around to the rear of the building.
Here stood the stone outhouses, previous artisan workshops and former stables that now contained park and cemetery maintenance equipment. A number of prefabricated huts stood raised off the ground on stilt-like constructions. The impression of impermanence they offered was in marked incongruence to the historical splendour of the old house in whose shadow they stood.
Eban splashed through the puddles and potholes filled with overnight rain and squeezed between a number of sensible economy vehicles belonging to his workmates.
Mounting the aluminium steps up to the grey nondescript door with frosted glass panel, he glanced back over his shoulder at the bank of ornate leaded windows which looked down on the huts from their splendid, vine-tangled setting.
As expected, he noticed an indistinct figure – most likely from Human Resources – perform an elaborate charade of adjusting the blinds. The formality of this ‘clock-in-clock out’ mentality irritated him intensely.
Eban pulled a wide, cheesy grin and looked exaggeratedly at his wristwatch, arm outstretched and sleeve drawn back.
One minute to nine.
Bastards, he thought. I wouldn’t give you the pleasure.
The office reception area was a monument to bland conformity.
A standard issue beige-and-grey paint job seemed designed to sap and drain away any splash of creative thought or original action. Grey metal filing cabinets and worn fabric furniture were fringed with over-watered pot plants.
Passing through the small public holding area, Eban braced himself for his regular early morning encounter with the defenders of the faith.
*
Blu-tacked magazine pictures of Prince William and Kate Middleton, Michael Bublé and Justin Timberlake hung beside images of cute kittens and a sunset proclaiming some nonsense about today being the first day of the rest of your life.
A plaque told anyone interested that they didn’t have to be crazy to work here… but it helped.
This was the undisputed domain of Agnes Curran and Liz McDonald. Senior office secretaries, impromptu and uninvited judges of character, and self-appointed ethics police.
Liz – the younger of the two by some way – was a plump girl with a tight corkscrew hairdo. Her fat neck and freckled arms strained the collar and sleeves of a
patterned blouse that bulged into rolls around the middle and at the sides. Already – even on this nippy morning – the white nylon was darkening beneath her arms with sweat.
Animated and eager to make some point or other regarding some weekend hen party, she did not see Eban arrive at first. She was affecting the air of the disgruntled consumer seeking peer approval and sympathy.
“Honestly Agnes, they were billed to make an appearance for at least half an hour and they only did about ten minutes at best… Sandra Pringle from Accounts was just raging… well, we all were. Mary Higgins was covered in baby oil… she’ll never get it out of that outfit. What? No, they stopped at the loincloth… I was at the front, but there was no way you could tell if he was…”
Agnes, middle-aged and soured with bitterness for reasons Eban did not wish to know or care about, jangled her gold charm bracelet and picked at a thread on her garish floral two-piece ensemble. She looked like a woman who had collapsed in on herself.
Imploded.
Yellow-brown skin stretched tight across angular bone. Try as he might, Eban could not shake the feeling that cancer was sucking her dry. Would suck her to a husk.
She just didn’t know it yet.
Furrowing her brow behind heavily tinted, thick-rimmed glasses, she tried to appear supportive and mutually outraged.
Her distinctive Scots-Irish brogue identified her origins as East Antrim.
Paisley country.
“The best of the lot of them was that Johnny Hot-Rocks,” she offered sagely. “He comes right into the audience and sits on your lap. Sandra Pringle was mortified at Joan’s hen night… she’s all talk, that one.”
Then, as a bitter afterthought, so typical of her, “I think she’s frustrated cuz she can’t get herself a man.”
He heard it all clearly.
Heard variations of the same virtually every day.
How could he do otherwise?
Marooned in this prefab hell, year after year. Another little bit of himself diminished.
White Church, Black Mountain Page 2
