She flopped backward on her pillow. “Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t. Not in my house.”
“Why not? At least here I won’t be generating any more gossip!”
“Gossip can only flourish in a vacuum where truth doesn’t show up. If you’re not there to live your life as you want it to be, they will make it up for you. That is absolutely true, Olivia. Is that what you want?”
She crossed her arms over her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I want. I always screw it up anyway.”
“The only way to screw up your life is not to live it the way you want to. There will always be someone out there, telling you it’s impossible, or unwise, or that you don’t deserve it. But listen to them, or to those little voices in your head that tell you you’re going to fail, and let them dictate who you’ll be, and you abdicate your life. And what a terrible waste that would be.”
Olivia nodded and covered her face with her hands.
Maybe,” her mom said, “you’re just really scared because you’re about to do something really brave.”
She sat up, cross-legged. “I think I love him, Mom. But I pushed him away. I’ve got to try to fix it now.”
“Here, resort to Yoda, I must,” said her Star Wars geek mother, who often yielded to the wisdom of Yoda when faced with a wall of resistance from her daughters. “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Olivia tilted her head and smiled, loving her mom for being such an unabashed geek. “You’re still a nut. But a wise nut.”
“Thank you. But if I were you,” Jaycee continued, “I’d get a move on. Eve saw Jake sitting with Eleanor Styles of Style’s Realty at the Main Street Diner yesterday afternoon, signing papers.”
Olivia sat up straighter. “Paper? What papers?”
“Apparently, he’s selling his parent’s place.”
She was showered and dressed before Ry Barros finished shoeing Jinx and made her way outside, blinking like a bat who’d been hanging for days from the ceiling of a dark cave.
“He’s all set,” Ry said, packing up his farrier tools as his eleven-year old daughter, Hayden, who took after her father in the looks department, patted Jinx on the neck and kissed his velvety muzzle. Jinx, who never enjoyed getting shod, was eating up the attention from the little girl. According to Jaycee, Hayden had been unable to peel herself away from the horse’s side since arriving at Lane’s End an hour ago. Watching her, Olivia remembered herself at that age, so in love with the idea of horses, it had hurt. Where had that girl had gone?
Olivia smoothed a hand over her still-wet hair she’d pulled into a ponytail. “So sorry I didn’t get down here earlier, Ry. Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.” She handed him a check. Ry nodded with a grateful smile at the amount and stuffed it in his pocket.
“Sorry I couldn’t get out here yesterday, but putting that boot on him was the right call,” he told her. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some owner rip the heck out of a hoof trying to do it themselves.”
“You’re a lifesaver. One of my students, Lucy Shimmel, is doing a demonstration tomorrow with Jinx at the fair. Maybe Hayden would like to come and watch. Western’s a way of life out here, but there’s a lot to be said for learning to ride English. I’m hoping to convert a few out there.”
“I want to learn to jump,” Hayden said. “Do you do that?”
Olivia flushed. “I-I can teach you,” she said. “I used to jump.”
Ry braced a hand against his truck. “Ms. Canaday, here, was a world class rider. Jumper, too. If anyone can teach you to jump a horse, it’s her.”
“Why don’t you anymore?” Jinx nipped at Hayden’s brown hair, and the girl giggled and ducked.
Ry hefted the tool box into the bed of his farrier truck that had a mini-forge built into the steely side. “Hayden,” he said, “Why don’t you lead Jinx back to his stall. I’m sure Ms. Canaday would appreciate that.”
“Can I?” she asked Olivia.
“Absolutely.”
“I’m sorry,” Ry said when she’d gone. “She’s always got a lot of questions.”
Olivia shook her head. “That’s all right. It was a good question. Anyway,” she said, pulling her car keys from her pocket, “I have to run, but I hope you can make it to the fair. Hayden would love Lucy.”
He dipped his head and touched the brim of his hat. “We sure will try and make it. C’mon, Hayden. Let’s go!”
Olivia parked her Toyota Highlander in front of Jake’s house and shut off the engine. Her insides felt like a box of snakes, but she got out and walked up to the door anyway. In the driveway sat Orca, all shiny, blue, and beautiful. She rang the door bell.
It took a minute for the door to open, but Ben answered, looking a bit like she must have looked earlier this morning. He was naked from the waist up and had on a holey pair of sweats with the Stanford Medical School logo on the hip. He must have had another long night at the hospital.
“Olivia.” He blinked and scratched his chest, and seemed surprised to see her. “Hey. How are you?”
“Is Jake home, Ben? I need to talk to him.”
Ben’s expression shifted. “He’s... uh, not here.”
“Do you know where he is? I saw Orca outside. I thought...”
“He’s gone, Liv.”
“What do you mean?” It was like he was speaking a foreign language for a moment, because the word gone did not compute.
“I mean, he left town early this morning. I think he went back to Seattle.”
“Oh.” The sound that came out of her was more like a peep. She swung her gaze back to the truck in the driveway, not sure what to say. “I’m too late, aren’t I?”
Ben stayed silent. Apparently he didn’t know what to say, either.
“Is he selling the house, Ben?”
He ran a hand through his rumpled dark hair. “You should talk to him.”
She gave a little that’s not-likely-to-happen-now laugh and gave him a pleading look.
“He’s putting it on the market. I’m buying a place so he’s not kicking me out or anything. You... wanna come in?” he asked. “I can make some coffee.”
She shook her head. “Thanks. I’d... better go. I’ve got the fair event tomorrow and I’ve just got a million things... thanks, Ben.” She started down the walkway back to her car.
“Hey, Olivia?”
She turned back to him.
“For what it’s worth, I think he’s crazy about you.”
For what it’s worth, I’m the crazy one. I let him go. With a shrug, she hurried to her car. She didn’t want him to see her cry and barely succeeded before closing the door of her truck and bawling her eyes out the whole way home.
Chapter Eleven
It rained all evening Thursday, but Friday morning dawned bright and sunny, just in time for Olivia and Ken to load up Jinx and trailer him to the fairgrounds for the dressage demonstration. And since Jinx wasn’t fond of trailering alone, they’d brought Gracie, too, Ken’s horse, to keep him company. They’d already been here for hours, setting up the freestyle course Lucy and Jinx would execute.
Speaking of which, Lucy was late. Very late.
Olivia dialed Lucy’s home again on her cell and got nothing. She must be on her way. She’ll be here any minute.
The fair itself was in full swing, with hoards of crowds coming through the turn stiles and packing the exhibit halls. Summer vacation was nearly at an end and Marietta’s people were taking full advantage of the last vestiges of fun that August had to offer. From here, she could see the Ferris wheel spinning, hear the shrieks of fun being had on the midway, and smell the delicious wafts of fair food that traveled across the fairgrounds.
She tried to focus on brushing Jinx’s coat into a high shine, but her mind kept wandering.
She hadn’t slept at all the night before, thinking about Jake. In truth, despite her languishing in bed for a day and a half, she hadn’t slept much at all since the birthday dinner. Her brain woul
d not shut up.
It had been on a constant loop in her head. All of it. Seeing it from every angle, creating different endings, and inserting different words. But it changed nothing. Because the look in his eyes, at the end, was always the same. And she couldn’t rub it out of her mind.
She’d done that. No one else. Not Kyle, or Carol Bingley and her silly, gossipy ways, not Beck Hartnett, or any of the people staring at her out the windows of Beck’s Place. They were all just bystanders while she—Olivia herself—had single-handedly thrown away the best thing that had happened to her in years.
And for what? For a principle? To prove she was independent? A real grown up? That it had all happened too fast and couldn’t be what it felt like it was? Was it so important for her to pull herself up by the bootstraps without any help from anyone that she had to shut him out? The answer, inevitably, now that she had examined it from the lonely side of the next fifty years, was a resounding what the hell is wrong with you?
It’s Jake. Your Jake.
Last night, she’d texted him three times, asking him to call her. But she heard nothing back from him. She could only guess he had made his own decision about her. A text message was not the place to say what she wanted to say to him. That needed to be said in person, if she got the opportunity to say anything at all.
Concentrating on anything but Jake had become problematic. She’d set a low jump and think of Jake, in the river, with his hands on her. She’d position wooden rails on the arena floor and think of the fireplace at the cabin and the sound of his laugh. She’d do anything at all, and the last heart-shattering last kiss—the one that was really a goodbye—would come back to her with a vicious swipe of memory, making it hard to breathe. Even now, she could feel his kiss on her lips and in the wanton place deep inside her that longed to make it all right again.
Seattle wasn’t that far. She could find him if she put her mind to it, even though she had no idea where to look.
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
She just had to get past today and then, she would figure out a way. She had to. The demonstration was at eleven a.m. and already the stands were filling with people. Turned out the whole family and many of their friends were coming, purely as a show of support, but Olivia wasn’t nervous. Lucy, who had the potential to be a first-class rider, had put in hundreds of hours of work with Jinx this spring and summer on this demonstration and she was as prepared as she could be. But it was making her more than a little nervous she wasn’t here yet.
As she was currying the last of yesterday’s rain from Jinx’s coat, her cell phone rang. For a heartbeat, Olivia hoped it was Jake. But it was Lucy’s mother, Kathy.
“Olivia, I have bad news.”
The curry comb froze in her hand. “What is it?”
“Lucy’s in the hospital.”
The world and everything around her ground to a halt. “She’s—what?”
“I know. Believe me, I did not want to make this phone call. She was feeling a little punk last night, stomach ache, a little nausea, but she wouldn’t let me call you. She was sure it would pass by this morning. But it got a lot worse this morning. Still, she insisted I bring her to the fairgrounds, but on the way over, she doubled over in pain, so I took her to the E.R. instead and it turns out she has appendicitis. They’re taking her into surgery in half an hour.”
Oh, no. Olivia blinked and looked out at the growing crowds in the stands. Oh, no. The demonstration began in a few minutes and she had no Plan B. How could she not have had a Plan B?
In the distance, she saw the fair manager, the newly married Jane Weiss, now Jane McCollough, heading her way with a big smile on her face. She always walked like a woman with places to go, people to see. As the head of the Chamber of Commerce, Jane got things done and made sure they were done correctly. Like this event. Which was why, Olivia knew, as she watched Jane coming her way, that a Plan B had better show its face in a big hurry.
“Kathy, I’m so sorry about Lucy,” she said, when she found her voice again. “Tell her not to worry about anything.” I’ll just have to cancel the show. “Give her my best and tell her it’s all under control.” But how can I cancel it now? There’s really no choice. “I’m sure it will be okay.” Heaven help me.
“I’m so sorry to drop this on you at the last second. We should have called last night, but who would have imagined appendicitis?”
“You go be with your daughter, Kathy, and don’t worry about this for another second.”
“Thanks, Olivia. Sorry. I’ll call you later.”
“Good morning, Olivia!” Jane said, pulling to a stop in front of Jinx. “Will you look at this crowd? I think your demonstration is about to be a big success.”
“Good morning, Mrs. McCollough—”
“Oh, Jane, please. Where’s our little dressage star?” She glanced at her watch.
“Um, about that... there seems to be a slight glitch about Lucy.”
“Oh?” Jane’s bright expression fell a little.
Olivia explained the situation and Jane’s face went pale. She glanced up at the growing crowds. “What are we going to do about this? We can’t cancel. Disappoint all these people? Look at them. Olivia, you’ll have to do it.”
Olivia opened her mouth to protest but Jane blew right over her.
“And, to be perfectly honest, you’re the draw, dear. Everyone knows what a wonderful rider you are. You’re Marietta’s star horsewoman. Why do you think they’ve all come? To see what you do.” She patted Olivia’s arm, the decision settled. In her mind. “Of course you should do it. And probably, if you don’t mind my saying so, you’ll do it even better than Lucy, bless her heart. I’ll make sure to give her mother a call after we get you all set up.”
“But I—”
“Now, let’s see. You were going to narrate from the podium, so you’ll need a portable microphone, now, of course. We can get you that.” She tapped her mouth, thinking. “I’ll get someone to come over and make sure you’re all hooked up.” She pulled out her phone from a pocket and dialed it. “And I’ll need to find someone to introduce you. Worse comes to worst, it’ll be my pleasure to do it.”
And before she’d actually finished speaking, Jane marched off, already on her cell phone to the powers that be.
Stunned, Olivia turned to find Ken, wisely covering his holy-crap grin with a hand over his mouth, pretending to rub his gray, stubbly jaw.
“This,” she said, as she began to hyperventilate, “is no laughing matter. This is the part where my life flashes before my eyes and I die a horrible and humiliating death before a crowd of thousands.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Liv. There won’t be more’n two hundred or so.”
She choked out a laugh. “Still...”
Ken cleared his throat and lifted the saddle pad onto Jinx’s back. “There’s nothin’ for it now. You’re just gonna have to suck it up, get on Jinx here, and go do what you were meant to do all along. This here is fate steppin’ in where courage fears to tread.”
“Thank you. I’m cured now. That’s all I really needed. Jane and fate and you, kicking my butt.” She leaned her forehead against Jinx’s withers. “How can I do this? I haven’t ridden a horse in—”
“Two years, six months and twelve days,” Ken finished for her.
She stared up at him. “You’re... counting?”
“Counting down’s more like it. ‘Til today. Because this right here, is the end of that dry spell.” He fitted Jinx’s saddle on and cinched him up. “You been up on this horse in your mind’s eye right along with Lucy every time. It’s like breathing. The memory of it don’t leave you. It’s all right there for the takin’, Liv. Just take it.”
Olivia’s heart contracted, watching him. And she suddenly got it that he wasn’t like family anymore, he was family. She kissed him on the cheek and let him hold her for a minute before she glanced up in the stands to see the rest of them, Kate and Eve, and her mom and Reed waving at her. And s
he even caught sight of Carol Bingley in the crowd. Maybe, in the end, that was what turned the tide.
“All right,” she muttered. “All right, then. I’m doing it.” She pulled out her cell phone and fiddled with the music, then handed it to Ken. “That’s what I want. Not the other.”
“You got it.” He offered her his hands and a leg up.
She exhaled and settled her knee into the cup of his hands and swung up on Jinx. She leaned over his neck and clung to his mane. Her breath came in short, scared bursts, but Jinx stayed calm as a lily pad while she straightened and settled herself on his back. “Okay,” she said. “There.” Step one. If I die of embarrassment, so be it.
Ken nodded at her with a smile. Olivia thought of Jake. She wished he could see her now. Finally up on her horse, toughing it out. She thought he’d be proud of her if he were here.
But he was in Seattle. Just as well. If she failed, at least he wouldn’t witness that, too.
Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.
She turned to look at Ken’s beautiful quarter horse, Gracie, waiting patiently nearby, swishing flies with her tail. She grinned at Ken. “So I might as well go out with a bang, right? If you’re game, here’s what we’ll do.”
Jane McCollough tapped the microphone on the podium with her finger. “Is this thing on? Oh, yes, it seems to be... uh, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this special fair presentation by Ms. Olivia Canaday. We’re thrilled you’ve joined us today. She has a special treat in store for you. Most of you know she is a world-class equestrian rider who got her start right here in Marietta, competing in local events. Her career took her to the United States Equestrian Team and a stellar career as a trainer and teacher, working with all kinds of horses from Warmbloods to rescued Mustangs. Now she’s back in Marietta and we are all the recipients of her talents today. Please give a warm welcome to Ms. Olivia Canaday of Lane’s End Ranch!”
Olivia rode Jinx out to applause in a beautiful, extended trot and circled the arena before pausing at the center.
“Thank you,” she said and heard her voice echo on the speaker system. “This is Jinx. Take a bow, Jinx.” This was one of Jinx’s tricks which he did with finesse. “Jinx is a Warmblood,” she said, urging him into a piaffe, which was a trot in place, that was, even to her, still very impressive.
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