The scars had finally healed. This time. But what of the next time? What if he told Lori what was in his heart and she looked at him with pity? What if she didn’t feel what he felt? Things would never be the same between them.
Or what if they gave it a try and the romance led nowhere? He didn’t think he could endure the disappointment of that. Or of losing her in his life because he knew he would. Friends who turned into lovers never remained friends once the romance was over, no matter what promises they made to each other.
He didn’t want to lose her.
It was better this way, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Nothing lost.
Sitting behind his desk, Carson stared up at Rhonda. The words she’d just said in response to his question felt as if they had bounced off his ears without entering, without being absorbed.
For one small second, he felt confined, as if his office had suddenly turned into a coffin, sealing him into a tiny space.
After more than a week of playing hide and seek, of being everywhere Lori was not, he needed to talk to her. The computers for that class she was so keen on starting for the kids at the center had arrived. Since this was her baby, he couldn’t just let the moment pass without interacting with her. Feeling that it was better to be in her company with someone else there, he’d asked Rhonda to have Lori come in.
Only to be told that it wasn’t possible.
He had no idea why, but he had a bad feeling when the aide said the words to him. “Why? Didn’t she come in today?”
Rhonda shoved her hands into her back pockets as she shook her head. “No.”
For someone who loved to gossip, Rhonda was being oddly uncommunicative. “Well, did she call in sick?”
“No.” Digging further into one pocket, she pulled out a wrinkled envelope. “She gave me this last night to give to you.”
“Last night?” he echoed. Carson looked at the envelope she held in her hand. The bad feeling intensified. “Then why didn’t you give it to me?”
“She made me promise I wouldn’t give it to you until you asked about her.” Rhonda put the envelope down on his desk. “She said she didn’t think it would be for a few days.”
That was crazy. “What, she thought I wouldn’t notice she wasn’t here?”
Rhonda raised her model-thin shoulders and then let them drop again carelessly. But her eyes were boring small, accusing holes into him. “That’s what she said.”
Carson muttered something unintelligible under his breath as he tore open the envelope. The paper inside had only two sentences written on it: You win. I quit.
He stared at the words as if they were gibberish. Slowly, they finally registered in his brain. Was this some kind of a new game Lori had decided to play? “She says she quits.”
“Yeah, I know.” Rhonda rocked on the balls of her feet. Her tone told him that she’d been confided in while he had not. “Does this mean you want me to work more hours? Because I could use the raise in pay—”
He didn’t want to talk about more hours, or pay raises. His brain felt as if it was suddenly under siege and a cloudy mist had encircled it. He waved her away. “I’ll get back to you.”
He wasn’t even sure just when Rhonda withdrew. Maybe then, maybe a few minutes later. He just sat looking at the almost pristine piece of paper. The words in the center of the page were cold, austere. Lori hadn’t even put down a reason.
Anger bubbled up within him, but he banked it down. He shouldn’t be angry, he should be relieved. This was, he told himself, for the best. Because he didn’t know how much longer he could continue to do the right thing. If their paths kept inevitably crossing, as they would at work, he knew it was only a matter of time before he did something stupid again.
Before he gave in to the ache that had become his constant companion and risked everything.
Possibly to be left with nothing.
He’d done that before, risked everything, but it had been for a noble reason. He’d risked everything to help the kids at the center. And he’d wound up losing a wife in the bargain.
One risk was enough in anyone’s lifetime.
He was just going to have to remember that.
Very slowly, Carson opened his middle drawer took out a manila folder. He slipped Lori’s abbreviated letter of resignation into it.
Then filed it away.
That was that.
He slammed the drawer a little harder than he meant to.
He thought it would be better, but it wasn’t. It just got worse.
Not having Lori around, knowing she wouldn’t be around, only made the longing within his chest more acute. Nothing staved it off.
Nothing interested him. Not even working on the ’54 Buick Skylark he’d been lovingly restoring in his garage every free moment he could spare. Working on it had seen him through his divorce. He’d thrown himself furiously into its restoration when Kurt had died. It had kept him sane then.
But not now. Nothing was working now. Not his visits with his daughter, who asked about Lori and the baby incessantly, not his job, not the Skylark. Nothing.
Throwing down the rag he’d used to polish a section of the passenger door, Carson went to get his car keys. He knew what he had to do.
Someone was leaning on her doorbell. Not ringing it, leaning on it. Turning the baby monitor up as she left the kitchen, she hurried to the front door.
The last person in the world she expected was standing on the other side.
Carson was wearing faded, paint-splattered jeans that had holes at each of the knees and a T-shirt that was torn in two places. He looked like a brooding rock star in search of a groupie and the right, elusive lyric.
“I never knew a human being could be so miserable and still live.”
She willed her pulse to return to normal as she closed the front door. Part of her had given up hope that he would ever turn up. It had been over three days since she’d handed in her resignation.
“Exactly what are you talking about?”
He turned on his heel, almost bumping into her. “Why aren’t you at work?”
She lifted her chin defiantly. “Don’t you remember? I quit.”
Yes, he remembered she quit. Quit the center, quit him. Nothing else had been on his mind for the past seventy-two hours. He’d lifted up the phone to call her so many times, he’d almost developed carpal tunnel syndrome in that hand.
His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “What are you doing for money?”
So that was it, he was still playing big brother? She didn’t want a brother anymore, she wanted the man who had kissed her, who’d made her feel that there was something more for them. “Don’t worry about me.”
“What are you doing for money?” he repeated. He knew her finances were shaky. Kurt hadn’t left her with anything but bills.
Her voice became icy, distant. “Sherry showed Sinjin some of my work and he asked me to handle the Web pages for his companies. The money’s excellent and I can work out of the house most of the time, be around the baby. Everything’s perfect,” she fairly snapped.
Everything was perfect for her. Not so perfect for him. He was dying inside the way he never thought he could. He played the only card he felt he had. “The kids at the center miss you. And Sandy misses you.”
And you? What about you? Can’t you even tell me that much? “And I miss them and her,” she said tersely. “I can volunteer some time on Sundays at the center.” As to Sandy, she had no solution there, even though she loved the little girl as if she were her own. His time with his daughter was limited, she wouldn’t very well tell him to drop Sandy off at her house and come back for her later.
Was she that determined to keep away from him, to severe all ties? He had no idea until now how much knowing that could hurt. His voice was very still as he said, “I’m not around on Sunday.”
“Exactly.” Her chin went up even more pugnaciously, daring him to say something. “Isn’t that the way you want it?”
/>
“No.”
She had no idea what he meant, what he was thinking. Her intuition had completely deserted her.
“Then how do you want it, Carson? Because I’m tired of guessing. Tired of being slapped down.” Her voice rose, crackling with all the emotion she was attempting to suppress. “Yes, that’s right, Pollyanna has her limits, too. And getting pushed away a hundred and twelve times is mine.”
Carson looked at her stonily. “It hadn’t been that often.”
“Damn it—” she threw up her hands, moving away from him before she did something she’d regret “—I’m exaggerating the number, not the situation. The way I always do. You’d think you’d know me by now.”
He caught her by the shoulders and spun her around, forcing her to face him.
“I do,” he said fiercely. “I know everything about you. I know the way your eyes light up when you have an idea, or when you’ve made someone come around. I know the way you laugh. High when something’s funny, low when it’s at yourself.” His eyes searched her face, trying to see if he was getting through, if she understood what he was telling her. “I know the sound of your walk when you’re coming down the hall at the center. Like harnessed energy just waiting to go off. I know the curve of your mouth when you smile. It’s like sunshine, brightening everything it touches.”
There was nothing but stillness for a long moment. She blew out a breath. “Well, you certainly do know the way to take the wind out of someone’s sails.”
He wanted to take her in his arms, to hug her to him, but he was afraid. Afraid that it was too late. So he stood there, still holding her shoulders, still searching for signs.
“I don’t want to take the wind out of your sails, Lori. And I don’t want to be adrift again. I thought I could back away, for both our sakes. But I can’t.” Suddenly aware that he was still holding her in place, he dropped his hands helplessly to his sides. “Nothing’s right without you. Nothing fits anymore. Not my purpose, not my skin, nothing.”
She was almost afraid to breathe. “So what are you saying?”
He felt like a drowning man, still searching for something to keep him afloat. “I was hoping you’d say it for me.”
She wasn’t going to make it easy for him. She had before, but if there was ever going to be anything for them, it had to be his turn, his sentiments.
“Uh-uh, I’m through putting words into your mouth. These have to be your own. I need to hear the words in your heart, Carson.”
He wasn’t any good at this, she knew that. His eloquence, such as it was, began and ended in the courtrooms he no longer frequented. “You already know them.”
Lori shook her head. “Doesn’t matter what you think I know or don’t know. I have to hear it. To be sure I’m not imagining it.”
Carson’s dark eyes delved into hers, silently asking for help, for understanding. “You already know what’s in my heart.”
Maybe she was wrong. Again. Maybe he didn’t really care. Maybe what he missed was the familiarity of having her around. If he didn’t give her this, then he couldn’t give her anything.
“How can I know what’s in your heart?” she demanded. “Supposedly until a little while ago, you didn’t even know what was in your heart. I need to hear the words, Carson.”
He took a breath, leaping off the cliff. Risking everything. “I love you.”
Tilting her head in his direction, she cupped her ear. Carson’s voice had hardly been above a whisper. “Say again?”
A tiny amount of tension eased away. There was a hint of a smile playing on her lips. He glanced up toward the stairs. “I’ll wake the baby.”
She took a step closer to him. Maybe it was going to be all right after all. “It’s worth waking up for.”
He slipped his arms around her. “I love you.” He waited. She said nothing. “Don’t you have anything to say to me?”
Lori lifted her face up to his, a smile in her eyes. “It’s about time.”
He laughed shortly. She was paying him back. Not that he blamed her. “Don’t you have anything else to say to me?”
She couldn’t keep the grin back any longer as she fluttered her lashes at him. “You already know what I have to say to you.”
He had that coming, Carson thought. “I need to hear the words.”
“Yes,” she said softly, “you do. We all do.” It was going to be all right. She didn’t kid herself, the road ahead was going to be bumpy, but it was going to be all right. “I love you, Carson O’Neill, love you despite the fact that you are very possibly the stub-bornest man on the face of the earth.” She slipped her arms through his, locking them around his waist. “Love you for your generous heart, your way of never sidestepping a responsibility, and the fact that you are the world’s best kisser.”
That made him laugh. “How would you know? You haven’t kissed the world.”
He saw a devilishness enter her eyes just before she asked, “Want me to?”
“Don’t even think about it.”
He loved her, she thought. He really loved her. She hadn’t been wrong and it felt wonderful.
She wanted more. “Why, Carson, why shouldn’t I think about it?”
His arms locked tighter around her, bringing her closer to him until their bodies were touching. “Because you’re mine.”
“And?”
“And I’m yours.”
After all this time, it was hard to believe he was finally saying what she’d wanted to hear him say. “Sounds pretty official.”
“It will be,” he answered matter-of-factly, “once we’re married.”
He had just succeeded in broadsiding her. She stared at him, wide-eyed. When the man leaped, he really leaped. “When did this happen?”
“It hasn’t. Yet.” She wanted words, all right, he’d give her words. “Lori, will you do me the very huge honor of being my wife?”
Excitement, happiness and a host of emotions she couldn’t begin to name all welled up inside of her. “I don’t know how much of an honor it’ll be, but yes, I will. You had me at Lori, you know.”
“No, I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.” God, but he loved her. Why had he been so afraid of letting it out? This was Lori, and he’d always known that she was special. “Maybe that’s why it took so long.”
She shook her head, negating everything that had come before this moment. “Doesn’t matter how long it took. That’s behind us. All that matters is now.”
“And forever. You still haven’t said you’d marry me,” he reminded her.
Lori stood up on her toes, her arms just barely reaching around his neck. “I thought that was understood.”
He wasn’t about to make that mistake again. “From now on, nothing’s understood, nothing’s taken for granted. Everything’s spelled out.”
Amusement shone in her eyes. “Could get wordy.”
“That’s all right,” he assured her, “I like the sound of your voice.”
“Good thing.” Her eyes were smiling at him. “Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“‘Yes dear?’” And then she laughed. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”
He realized that despite everything, he’d been holding his breath until this moment. Until she agreed. “I’ll leave the arrangements up to you. You’re good at that sort of thing.”
She wasn’t about to fall into that trap again. “Uh-uh. From now on, we’re doing it all together.”
That sounded a great deal better to him than he thought it would have. But then, the fact that the bargain was sealed with a kiss might have had something to do with it.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-6861-0
BEAUTY AND THE BABY
Copyright © 2003 by Marie Rydzynski-Ferrarella
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All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.
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