“Oh, yes,” he said in answer to her question. “I definitely can tell you that, but I don’t want to terminate such friendship as we have.”
“And what you’re thinking would do that?”
His half-smile wasn’t one of amusement, but of self-mockery. “What I’m thinking wouldn’t, but what I’m feeling...that’s another matter.”
She took her time answering, and he understood that she finally appreciated the true measure of his seriousness. “You’ve touched on my reason for not agreeing to stay with Ricky. I suspect my aunt of matchmaking, and...Nelson, I’ve walked down that road and I still bear the wounds.”
“You’re not alone. I’ve done the same, and believe me, the result was not an enhanced belief in human virtue. Are you saying we do nothing about it? Ignore it and wonder whether we could have made...what it would have been like? That’s what you’re suggesting?”
“I’m a strong person, Nelson, but I’m not sure I’m up to two emotional tornados in this life. If I’m going to hurt, I’d as soon not have the accompanying humiliation.”
So he was right. She cared and, as candid as she was, if he asked her, she would probably admit it. He’d have to give his next move—if he made one—a lot of thought.
“We can talk by phone, can’t we?”
“Nelson, I don’t think... All right. We can do that. I’ll come see Ricky when you’re not home. Is that all right?”
“As long as you visit him, I don’t care when you do it. He fell in love with you, so much so that he resented your sister and let her know he wanted you.”
“She told me. She also said you impressed her.”
He didn’t want to hear that, either. “I didn’t try.”
“I’m sure of that, and so was she. Uh, when you call me, let’s not talk about anything important?”
Finally, he could laugh, a genuine belly laugh that thundered out of him, releasing the pent-up energy, throttling the nefarious libido that had him in hand when he called her, and turning his world right-side up. He laughed until his spirits lifted.
“Ah, sweetheart, you’re so priceless. We’ll talk about movies and plays we’ve seen, places we’ve been, paintings we hate, boats we’ve sailed on. I can think of dozens of impersonal topics, and we can discuss them with words and leave what we feel out of it.”
“Oh, Nelson, I’m ashamed. I guess that sounded awful. I just don’t want us to talk about our...uh...re—”
“Our feelings for each other? Then we won’t, but at least you’ve admitted we have them. I’ll call you, and I wouldn’t mind hearing from you. Good night and sleep well.”
“You too. Good night.”
* * *
Audrey got out of bed, where she had been relaxing and trying to understand her feelings, her ambivalence about Nelson and her growing sense that she couldn’t control those feelings as she did everything else in her life. She walked around her bedroom, looking at pictures of Pamela, Winifred and herself as children and of her late parents and grandparents.
There was so much love in our home and in my life as I grew up. I thought anyone would love me because every person I knew seemed to dote on me. Lord, was I naive! Just the inexperienced and trusting girl that such men as Gerald Latham prey on. I want to love, and I want someone to love me and care for me. I want to love Nelson; everything in me wants him, but how can I leave myself open to that kind of pain again?
She moved from her bedroom to the living room, put on a Diane Reeves CD, got a handful of Chupa Chups lollipops, and sank into the cushion of her favorite chair. With so much on her mind, she wouldn’t sleep, so she might as well enjoy herself. At the end of the Reeves CD, she put on an early Billie Holiday cassette, and fell asleep as Billie’s voice haunted her with “Good Morning Heartache,” a song about the fruits of misplaced love.
She awoke the next morning with a kink in her neck and as tired as if she had never slept. She showered, drank two cups of black coffee and went to work, vowing to keep her distance from Nelson Wainwright and all other attractive men.
* * *
Nelson went to the meeting of the MEU, presented the views of the command center and did what he went there to do. Moreover, he did it in spite of the frequent divergence of his mind to Ricky, Lena and Audrey. Thus, he was unprepared for the adulation of his peers and the more senior officers.
“The Corps must be proud of you, Colonel,” a general told him. “I’m glad you’re on our side.”
“So am I, sir. It’s a thing for which I give thanks daily,” he said, standing away from the shorter man so as not to dwarf him with the ten-inch difference in their height. He knew well the importance of remaining humble and respecting his superiors.
“I expect to hear more from you,” the general said.
Nelson thanked the officer but kept his focus on the report he had to give to the Commandant.
He could identify success as well as the next man, and he didn’t doubt that he would see a smile on the Commandant’s face when he returned to the Pentagon. As he left the scene of his triumph, a restlessness pervaded him, had ever since he left home, and he couldn’t banish it. After five days of conferences and forced camaraderie, he walked out of Ronald Reagan International Airport in Washington, got into his car and headed for Alexandria and home.
As he neared the house, he began to anticipate the pleasure of Ricky’s smiles, hugs and chatter, and the joy of being home. The Corps did well by him, but he had yet to eat food cooked in an Army, Navy or Marine Corps kitchen that equaled Lena’s gourmet fare. He parked in front of the house, dashed up the walk and opened the door.
Not a sound. And what a letdown! His heart began a wild thud in his chest. Where were Lena and Ricky? He dashed up the stairs then down in the basement. God, please don’t let anything happen to them?
He sat down and put on his officer’s thinking cap. Where would Lena leave a message, if indeed she’d left one?
On a hunch, he went into the kitchen where he found Lena’s green notepaper affixed to the refrigerator door.
“I’m sorry I had to go see about my uncle,” he read. “You weren’t here to ask, so I did the best I could. Ricky is staying over at Audrey’s place till either you or I get back.”
It didn’t occur to him to telephone her. All that talk about not wanting to get involved wasn’t worth the breath she used to utter it. As long as she had Ricky, she had him, and a woman smart enough to get a medical degree knew that. Ordinarily, he was slow to anger, but before he could reason about it his irritation exploded into an anger bordering on rage. What did they take him to be?
He took the Capital Beltway with as much speed as he dared to drive and, within what had to be record time, parked in front of Audrey’s house. Whatever happened to front porches? he asked himself, irritated because he couldn’t pace, but had to stand still on the little landing.
His gaze fell on the brass angel that served as a knocker and its tiny replica that was the doorbell. So much like her. He rang the bell. Which one of those women was she, anyhow? And what was taking her so long? He couldn’t wait to get his hands on her, to shake some sense... A string of expletives streamed from his mouth at the thought of squeezing her to him and sinking into her. That’s what he wanted. He wasn’t angry, he admitted to himself, and he hadn’t been angry. He’d been nearly out of his mind for her and he’d used Ricky being in her home as an excuse to get to her. He told himself to calm down.
She flung the door open wide, saw him, and her face glowed in a smile. All he could do was stand there and gaze at her.
“Where’s Ricky?”
Her eyes widened and she stepped back from the door. “Why, he’s upstairs in the guest room. I was just reading him a story. He’s been busy all day, and he’s wiped out. Hello, Nelson. How are you? Come on in.”
He’d been
upbraided before but, in his memory, not with such precision. “Hello, Audrey,” he said in a voice that surprised him with its softness. “I don’t suppose you and Lena planned this?”
She whirled around and left him standing there with no choice but to follow her. He took his time. He was not a rude man, and he had patience. Plenty of it. But he had limits, too. She had claimed she didn’t want an intimate relationship with him, but as she stood at that open door with the expression of one who welcomed her lover, her face belied her words. He’d made her angry, but so what? Wasn’t he furious? He watched her head up the stairs, her hips swaying in a look-but-don’t-touch kind of sexy arrogance that sent his blood arrow-straight to his groin.
He walked up the stairs, slowly taking his time and remembering the pleasure she’d given him when he climbed those stairs before with her tucked in his arms. This wasn’t the time for his libido to get out of control, he thought, as twinges of desire began to mock him. He heard the sound of soft singing and stopped. A lullaby. Brahms’s Lullaby. Uncertain now as his anger deserted him entirely, he followed the low, sultry voice to the end of the hallway and stepped to the entrance of the open door.
He gasped and nearly lost his breath, poleaxed by the scene before him. With the wall taking his weight, he stared, lost in them. She sat in the middle of the bed, her knees crossed in the lotus position, holding Ricky in her lap with his head against her breasts. She sang with her eyes closed and gently swayed. He had a sudden and powerful urge to exchange places with the child, and it cost him every bit of his will power to stave off the evidence of desire.
Evidently realizing that Ricky was asleep, she slid off the bed, placed him beneath the covers and kissed his cheek. Then she placed the white bunny in the bed beside him, turned out the light and started toward the door.
“Oh! I didn’t know you were here. I thought you stayed downstairs. I—”
“Forgive me, Audrey. I don’t know what got into me.” She looked up at him, and he could see the hurt he’d caused her. She shook her head as if denying something.
“You...I wouldn’t hurt you for anything. Can’t you see I...” He couldn’t hold it back any longer. “My God, Audrey. I need you. Baby, I need you. I need you!” He ached to feel her flesh beneath the pads of his fingers. She attempted to pass him in the doorway, and he didn’t blame her.
So close. The smell of her hair and the perfume she wore made havoc with his olfactory sense, and with her body less than a finger’s length from him, he smelled her woman’s fragrance and thought he would lose his mind.
“Audrey!” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and he grabbed her hand and folded her into his arms. “Baby, don’t you need me?”
“Nelson, please. Oh, Lord. I don’t want to start—”
“We started it the minute we met. Don’t you know that? It hit you the same way it got me.” He tipped up her chin with his index finger and stared into her eyes.
Her lips quivered as he gazed at them, glistening with sweetness, and when she moistened them with the tip of her tongue, he said, “To hell with everything else,” lowered his head, gripped her shoulders with one hand and her buttocks with the other and tasted her at last.
Her lips parted and he plunged into her, rolling his tongue around in her mouth, tasting her sweetness and anointing every crevice.
* * *
His big hand began to stroke and caress her buttocks, creating a storm within her, as his tongue danced in and out of her mouth, twirling and tantalizing until she thought she would burn. Her nipples ached and her feminine center pulsated with desire. His groans excited her, and she grabbed his hand and placed it on her right breast. At once, he lifted her to fit him, plunged his hand into her scooped-neck blouse to free her breast and sucked her nipple into his mouth. Ah, the sweetness! The God-given pleasure! She pressed his head to her breast and arched her back, giving him all. She heard her keening cry, but couldn’t help herself. The feel and smell of man intoxicated her. Frissons of heat shot through her, and her blood pounded in her ears as tension gathered in her vagina. He stepped away from the door, closed it with his foot and pressed her body against it while he nipped and suckled her until she felt the moisture flow from her. He moved back from her, but not quickly enough. She didn’t care; she wanted him to feel what she felt, to want her as badly as she wanted him.
“Nelson, honey, I can’t stand this. It’s...it’s too soon for what we need right now.”
He set her feet on the floor, put both arms around her, and locked her to him. “I suppose you’re right. Recently, I’ve known we’d be like this together. I’ve also known that with you and me, it will be all or nothing. And that makes it look kind of bleak.”
He stroked her hair and her cheek and then rubbed her back, as if substituting those gestures for what he wanted and needed. “But, baby, you move me like no woman I ever knew!”
With her hand in his, she walked down the steps to the living room. “Let’s sit in here. Why were you so angry with me?”
“I don’t think I was ever really angry, although I certainly reacted as if I were. Emotions can play tricks on us. I acceded to your request that we not see each other. If I’m honest, I’ll tell you that anger was an excuse to see you and to get to you any way I could.”
“But you still don’t want a relationship with me, and I’m not willing to risk one with you or any other man.”
He took her hand, turned it over and looked at her palm. “You know, when I was at the Naval Academy, I was the hit of every party because I read palms and predicted great things for my friends.” He pressed her palm flat. “What I see in here...” He folded her palm. “Either we stay away from each other, or we give in to it and accept the consequences. This is nothing to play with.”
“Do you believe in palmistry?”
His right eyelid lowered in a half-wink. “Did I tell you I read that in your palm? I didn’t have to look into your hand to know that.”
He continued holding her hand, his face softened with a smile so sweet and loving that her heart seemed to turn cartwheels in her chest. When he squeezed her fingers, rivulets of heat cascaded through her body, and as quickly as the speed of sound, desire gripped her, nearly strangling her. She wanted to lower her lashes to protect from him what she could not hide from herself—the overwhelming, rampaging need to have him deep inside her, loving her.
But she couldn’t stop looking at him; his gaze bore into her, reading her and possessing her until, with a hoarse groan, he capitulated and a second later she felt his tongue in her mouth, this time possessively, claiming, demanding, knocking her senses out of order, destroying her willpower. Her nipples begged for his attention, and, as if he understood her need, he pinched and caressed them until she grabbed his hand and pressed it to her breast. She didn’t care if he thought her brazen, wanton; she arched her back and, with her hand at the back of his head, led his lips to her breast.
The male heat in him jumped out at her as he suckled her until she wanted to stop thinking, stop breathing. Stop everything but the feeling of what he was doing to her. Then his fingers stroked her beaded breast, while his marauding tongue slipped in and out of her mouth. Like a well drill seeking an underground spring, he laid waste to her inhibitions and fears. She thought she would die with her need of him, and her legs spread of their own will as moans streamed from her throat.
Shock waves snaked through her when suddenly he was not touching her. Her eyelids flew open to read the question on his face. What had she done?
“Nelson, I...”
His head moved from side to side. “It’s all right. But you believe me now when I say it’s nothing to play with. The next time, we’ll make love. You understand what I’m saying?”
“I do. I should have stopped before it went so far.”
“It wasn’t your responsibility alone. It was ours. I wante
d to stop, but if you needed something as badly and as long as I’ve needed to make love with you, you’d understand that wanting to wasn’t sufficient. It was almost like asking an eagle to give up his wings. Audrey, if I ever love you...I mean, if I ever love you...!” He stood. “I’d better get moving.”
She walked with him to the door, her hands locked behind her back, symbolic of her struggle for control. “If I had the guts where you’re concerned that I have with the rest of my life, I’d tell you not to leave.”
“When you’re ready, you won’t have to say a word, and we’ll both know.”
He ran the back of his hand across her nose, barely touching her skin. “See you.”
She didn’t reply but, like a robot, closed the door behind him, locked it, and trudged back up the stairs. Thank God I don’t drink to escape.
She tiptoed into the guest room and looked down at Ricky, hugging his bunny as he slept. “Somebody should have told me that I have a maternal instinct,” she said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I always thought I wanted no part of it. Maybe it’s just Ricky.”
Or maybe it’s Nelson, and your desire for him brings out this maternal feeling in you, an inner voice whispered. Nelson! Nelson! It would be a long night.
* * *
Lena returned four days later with a black band around her arm. “What’s that for?” Nelson asked, pointing to the badge of bereavement.
“I thought everybody knew what it was for. People don’t go around wearing black bands for nothing. Where’s Ricky?”
“Where you left him. School’s out and I couldn’t take him with me to the Pentagon. Lena, I don’t want to go over this again. I thought we agreed that if you had to be off, you’d let me know in advance, and I would choose someone to stay with Ricky.”
She pulled off her hat and her hands went to her sides. “I didn’t get no notice, sir, and neither did my uncle. Otherwise, I don’t think he’d a gone to sleep that night.”
Flying High Page 8
