He held her with both arms. “How will you feel if I have to resign?”
She let her lips brush his jaw. “I’ll feel whatever you feel, hurt as deeply as you hurt and shed as many tears as you shed. I’m here for you, Nelson. Your happiness will be my happiness, and your sorrow mine as well.”
His arms tightened about her. “Do you know what you’re saying?”
“I know exactly what I said. I’m not in love with your uniform. In fact, when I saw you dressed in civilian clothes, I got a shock, a very pleasant one.”
He relaxed against the arm of the sofa, half-reclining, with her still locked in his arms. “I grind my teeth when I’m angry.”
She snuggled closer. “I know. Would you believe that looking down at dark water makes me nervous, and I sneeze five times in succession when I get angry? Oh, yes, and I’m scared to death of things that crawl.”
“Then we’ll avoid those. Why are you afraid of the dark?”
“When I was little, my grandmother used to tell us weird stories about ghosts and goblins. Pam and Winifred loved those stories, but they frightened me, and I’d sleep with the light on. I never told her she frightened me, because she so enjoyed telling us those tales.”
“I told you about my fear of high places and how I climbed the Matterhorn in order to conquer it.” He kissed the side of her mouth. Soft and sweet. “I know you like jazz. Of all the greats, who’s your favorite?” he asked.
“Duke Ellington.”
“Mine, too. I’m glad our parents loved Joel and me. They’re the ones who teach you to love and accept love. You’re close to your sisters, aren’t you?”
“Oh, yes. I love my sisters. Do you think it strange that I couldn’t tell them about...about Gerald?”
“No. You were afraid of what they would think of you. It was too personal. And thank you for telling me his name. It wasn’t important, but it means you trust me.”
“Do you think badly of me for having swallowed that line he handed me?”
A look of incredulity swept over his face. “What? Of course not. A single woman without experience is no match for a philandering liar, not even a stupid one. I’d love to send my fist through his face for hurting you.”
“I shouldn’t have closed my eyes and ignored all the mixed messages he sent me. Anyway, it’s over. He’s no longer important.”
He traced the tip of her nose. Then he leaned forward and kissed the spot that his finger had warmed. “I like this nose,” he whispered in a tone that was low, seductive and very intimate. “You know, as a kid I dreamed of joining the cavalry and spending my days riding magnificent stallions. Funny. I haven’t thought of that in years.”
With her fingers, she enjoyed the smooth contours of his jaw and neck, cherishing and adoring him. “Really? When I was a teenager, I was such a romantic that thinking of it now is almost embarrassing. I dreamed of holding hands with my lover as we strolled in the moonlight and of making passionate love with him in the rain. I was caught up in my imagination.”
“I wouldn’t have thought it. You don’t seem that way.” He paused as if in thought. “Except when your libido is in control.” His teeth sparkled in a grin that betrayed a wickedness she hadn’t often seen in him. “I’ll be delighted to help you live your fantasy. We can stroll by the ocean in the moonlight with the water swirling over our toes, offering our bodies as a sacrifice to the night, and we can make love in the rain. I’ve never been naked in the rain. I’ll bet it’s a blast.”
“I’m not going there.”
Laughter rumbled in his throat and spilled out, treating her to the joyous sound that she loved. “Not to worry,” he whispered. “You’ve made so much progress today that I’m not about to let you backtrack. We’ve both limbered up, and we’re happier for it. Are you happy, Audrey?”
She held him closer to her body. “Yes. Terribly, and I’m scared somebody or something will snatch this feeling, this togetherness, away from me, because I don’t feel like me.”
“You’re wrong. This is the real you...maybe with some slight modifications. Good ones. I don’t care about the rest. I love you just the way you are.”
She wished they could be that way always, at one with each other. She gazed up at him, breathing the air he breathed, inhaling the same scents that he inhaled and feeling the same love he felt.
“Wouldn’t it be great if life would always be this way for us?” she asked. “No misunderstandings, no reservations and nothing separating us.”
He sat up. “That would be heaven, but unfortunately, we’re still wearing clothes and we both have to get to work, much as I hate to leave you.”
She straightened his tie in what she knew he recognized as possessiveness. “We’ll make it up to each other, won’t we?”
“You bet. I’ve got to go deal with the Commandant. Wish me luck.”
“You know I do, and I’ll send up some prayers, too.” She walked with him to the door. “You haven’t kissed me,” she said when he turned the doorknob.
“That’s all I’ve been doing for the past hour, honey.” He kissed her cheek. “I don’t need my brain fogged up with that heavy stuff you put down. Not this morning. I’ll call you later.” His hand went to the back of his neck. “Don’t worry about this,” he said, anticipating her reaction. “It’s not bad right now. See you.”
She watched until he drove away. Cleansed. Healed. Refreshed. Those were the words that came to mind. She thought she would burst with happiness, but as she started up the stairs, her exhilaration evaporated like steam before a flame. What if Nelson was forced to resign? Could he be happy if he’d lost all that he’d worked so hard to achieve and for which he was willing to sacrifice his health, even his life? She didn’t think so.
* * *
As he drove to work, Nelson did not punish himself by pondering his fate. He knew the possible consequences, and he accepted them. He was going to tell his superiors what had happened, and leave it up to them. So he didn’t let what might be a gloomy future poison his mood. He had experienced with Audrey an epiphany that allowed him to see his life as it had been, was now and could be. The only thing separating him from peace and contentment was himself, and he didn’t intend to be his own emotional executioner. He wanted Audrey in his life for all time, and he no longer had reservations about it.
His father had taught him to be honorable, to work hard, love the Lord and be kind to others. He slipped up occasionally, but he kept that as his creed. If he got socked for it, so be it. He walked into his office to find both his intercom and his answering machine flashing red.
He punched the intercom button first. “Wainwright.”
“Lieutenant McCafferty, Colonel. The Commandant wants to see you. Right now, if possible.”
“On my way.” This could be it. “Well, fellow,” he said as he closed his office door and looked at the brass plate beside it that bore his name and rank, “it’s been a great ride.”
He opened the Commandant’s office door and stopped as his gaze took in the marine whose career he had saved. Finding presence of mind, he saluted his superior officers assembled there.
“You wanted to see me, sir?”
“Yes indeed. You remember Corporal Williams, I’m sure.” Did he ever! He glanced to the left, saw Rupert Holden and wondered at the absence of the man’s smirk.
The Commandant gestured to the marine corporal. “Corporal Williams is receiving a medal of honor for uncommon valor in the heat of battle, for saving the lives of his commanding officer and fellow servicemen. He has asked that you pin the medal on him.”
At Nelson’s inquiring look, the corporal explained, “I was on guard duty and I didn’t tell anyone I had a high fever because there wasn’t anybody to take my place. It got so bad I finally fell asleep, and Colonel Wainwright caught me, woke me up, gave me some wa
ter and a lecture but didn’t turn me in.”
The man looked directly at him. “Colonel Wainwright, if you hadn’t showed compassion for me, I would not have had the opportunity to save my comrades. Thank you for doing me the honor of pinning this medal on my uniform.” Nelson didn’t dare look at any of his superiors while he pinned the ribbon on the marine’s jacket.
The Commandant cleared his throat, getting the attention of all present. “Compassion is also a form of valor,” he said, and Nelson allowed himself to breathe. Thank God that was over!
“This has worried me for a long time,” he said to the elegant man whose shoes he might still someday fill. “Thank you, sir.”
The Commandant surprised him with a wink. “All’s well that ends well, Colonel.”
* * *
Several days later, Nelson received official orders to go to Afghanistan, and immediately set about getting his affairs in order. He postponed telling Audrey until after they had dinner together that same evening.
“Feel like a short walk along the Tidal Basin?” he asked her as they left the Willard Room. He wanted the best setting possible in which to introduce a topic that he knew would displease her.
“I’d love it. The moon’s high and bright tonight. Is this a partial fulfillment of my fantasy?”
“If it works, why not?”
She stopped walking and tugged at his hand. “Nelson, you’ve been on edge all evening. What’s happening? The likelihood of your having to resign no longer exists, and you received your Commandant’s blessing. Our relationship seems to grow sweeter by the day. I expected you to be in a happy, carefree mood. Can I help?”
He couldn’t pretend joviality. “It’s...well, it’s serious. I wasn’t planning to tell you this way—”
“Weren’t planning to tell me what?”
The only way to say it was to say it. “I’m scheduled to leave for Afghanistan in ten days, September eighth.”
“What? Good Lord, you can’t do that. It’s tantamount to committing suicide. I won’t... Nelson, what are you trying to prove?”
He heard the tears in her voice. Yes, and the sound of horror. He looked down and saw that she wrung her hands.
“Audrey. Don’t. Honey, don’t. For God’s sake, please don’t cry.”
“I’m not going to cry,” she said, sniffing back the tears. “You’re going through with this?”
“I have no choice.”
Her chin jutted out and she poked his chest with her right index finger. “You have a choice. I do not oppose your doing your duty. I wouldn’t respect you if you shirked it, but this goes beyond duty. I want to go home.”
“Audrey, I’ve told you why this is so important to me.”
“Nelson, I’d like to go home. If you don’t want to take me, I’ll hail a taxi.”
He had expected her disapproval, but not such a strong reaction, not an unwillingness to listen to reason. “I’ll take you home.”
Hoping for a sign, any sign, that she would back down or at least concede and accept his right to do as he thought best, he parked in front of her house, cut the motor and turned to her.
“I need to do this, Audrey. I told you I promised my father I’d go all the way to the top. Everything’s in my favor. I’ll only be there for fifteen months, and then—”
He watched, horrified, as her hand unfastened her seat belt and then opened the car door. Unwilling to give up, he got out and walked with her to her door. “This is important to me, Audrey. Please try to understand.”
She didn’t look at him. “Speaking as a physician and an expert in joint diseases and physical therapy, and not as the woman who loves you, you don’t make any sense. Even if you stayed here in Washington, D.C., fifteen more months without medical care and you could be an invalid. One misstep or a fall is all that’s needed. You can’t go to combat duty without medical evaluation and treatment, and if you don’t get it by the seventh of September, I will inform your superiors of your condition.”
He gasped aloud and stepped away from her. “What did you say?”
She looked him in the eye. “You heard me. I love you too much to allow you to do this. I’d rather lose you than watch you ruin your life.”
“You would betray me?”
“Call it whatever you like.”
For a long minute he stared into the face that was so dear to him, and his heart pained him far more than his neck and shoulders.
“This is where I get off.”
He trudged back to his car, got in and sat there until he could will himself to start the motor and drive home. He headed up the stairs to look in on Ricky as he usually did when he got home, opened the child’s door and gasped.
“Lena!” he yelled, banging on her bedroom door. “Where’s Ricky?”
“Wait a minute. Don’t get out of joint.” She opened the door and peeped at him. “Oh, Colonel, I was asleep. What’s the matter?”
“What’s the matter? Where the devil is Ricky?”
She tightened the robe around her and opened the door wider. “Ricky’s spending the night with Judy Meade. Such an excitement. I wish you’d ’a been here.”
He let the doorjamb take his weight and exhaled a long breath. “How’d that happen?” If he was going to leave Lena with responsibility for the boy, he’d have to trust her judgment.
“You know he went to school Monday, and he’s been talking about this little girl, Judy, till he just about burned a hole in my ears. This afternoon, Mrs. Meade called to tell me Judy was driving her nuts about Ricky and asked if Ricky could visit the child. Meantime, Ricky is here going crazy, so I said all right if she’d come get him. She did, and Mr. Meade brought Ricky home about six-thirty with Judy in the car. Ricky showed Judy the whole house, his room and his precious harp. Then he took her downstairs, and they played the piano.”
She looked to the ceiling and spread her hands as if helpless. “Mr. Meade was in a hurry, but that didn’t bother the children none. He put his foot down, and Judy cried uncontrollably with Ricky trying to comfort her. So I packed a bag for Ricky and sent them back with Mr. Meade. I never thought I’d be glad to see Ricky leave this house without you or me, Colonel, but they were something. Hugging and holding hands and giggling and kissing. I asked Mr. Meade if he didn’t think he should lay the law down to his daughter about being so forward with boys. He laughed a lot about that. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, I don’t, but from what you said, it looks as if we won’t be seeing much of him in the future. I take it Judy also goes to Price School?”
“Yes. That’s ’bout where you’d expect her to go.”
He went back to his room and closed the door, realizing he’d wanted Ricky to plug up a hole that the child couldn’t fill. His euphoria about the favorable resolution of his having disregarded the rules in Afghanistan and his joy that he and Audrey had finally come together as one were as nothing. Smoke in a windstorm. If she meant to report him, she’d have her chance. He began the task of sorting out his most personal items to be stored for safekeeping, listing each one for Lena’s benefit if he didn’t get back home. Well after midnight, he crawled into bed, limp from struggling with the vicissitudes that were his life, and slept fitfully.
* * *
“I’m not going to suffer about this,” Audrey said to herself as she locked her door. “I can’t in good conscience let him do it. For a short while I was happy, and I’ll be happy again.”
Her answering machine flashed red, and she checked the call with reluctance, knowing that it couldn’t be from Nelson. After sitting down and kicking off her shoes, she returned Winifred’s call.
“Hi, sis. What’s up? I just got in.”
“Hi. I’ve been going nuts waiting for you to get home and call me. Ryan and I are going to get married.”
“What? You’ve known him five weeks! Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Yep. If Mama was living, she’d die if I shacked up with a man, and for me, it’s that or get married. Be happy for me, Audrey. We’re crazy about each other.”
“Still concerned about pleasing him in bed?”
“Good heavens, no. You were right. That was just plain silly. We have no problems with that. He’s a wonderful lover. If I think about it much, I’ll put on my clothes and—”
“You’ll do nothing of the sort. Give the poor guy a chance to miss you.”
“How’s it going with you and the Colonel?”
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I had a glimpse of heaven, but that’s all I’ll get.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I can’t go into it because I can’t discuss his personal affairs, but I had a decision to make, and it turned him off. It’s over.”
“My Lord, you must be miserable. I’m so sorry. Does Pam know about this?”
“No. It happened a few minutes ago. But don’t worry about me, Wendy, I’m satisfied that I’m doing the right thing. For me, it’s the only way.”
“Well, I’ll be a cross-eyed donkey. I didn’t believe you two would split up, and I have to tell you, I’m disappointed.”
“So am I. When are you getting married?”
“New Year’s Eve. How’s that for style?”
She couldn’t fully enter into her sister’s joy, but she tried for Winifred’s sake. “It’s wonderful. Am I your maid of honor?”
“I’m having both you and Pam. Okay?”
“Very okay. We can talk some more tomorrow.”
“Gee, Audrey. I’m being insensitive, and you’re a loving, giving sister, as usual. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She hung up, undressed and went to shower. If while showering tears flowed from her eyes, maybe she wouldn’t know it.
* * *
Nelson didn’t fool himself. He knew Audrey had a point, and a good one. But she hadn’t understood what it would mean to him if he could not redeem his father’s sacrifices, his unfulfilled life: a life devoted to caring for the needs of his wife and children, only to lose his wife when she was forty-one, and his own life at the age of fifty-seven before he could realize his dreams. If only Audrey could have stretched her mind to see why he was as he was.
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