“Thank you for coming.”
“Don’t mention it.” She gives me a weak smile and walks in. I close the door and take a deep breath. Nicole and I have known each other for a while. Things haven’t always been good between us and I’m grateful she is willing to help me.
“Do you want something to drink?” I ask, joining her in the living room.
“Sure, some coffee would be good and it looks like you could use one too.”
“Trying to tell me I look like shit?” I chuckle without any humor.
“I’m not trying, I’m telling, you look like shit.” She says, deadpan. I like a woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Stop thinking like this you sick fuck.
“Thanks, ‘preciate it.” I sigh and go to start the coffee machine. “How do you take it?” I call out.
“Not a bit sorry and half coffee, half milk.” She replies as she walks into the kitchen.
I stare at her perplexed. How can someone ruin such a heavenly drink? “Weirdo.”
“That’d be me.” She leans on the counter, eyeing the trash bag. “Party for one?” She looks up at me raising her eyebrow.
“Yeah. Kinda regretting it now, I feel fucking rough.”
“You sound like my brothers.” She chuckles softly.
“They’re rubbing off on me it seems, maybe a little too much.” I sigh.
“That’s for sure, the last thing this world needs is another one like them. There’d be an apocalypse for sure.”
I chuckle. “They aren’t that bad.”
“Yeah, you’re a man, of course you would say that.” She glares at me with a hint of humor in her eyes.
“Now, now.” I smiles softly at her taking her beauty in.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’ve known better days.” I sigh.
“I’m sorry for what happened.”
“It’s not your fault. You’re not the one who pulled the trigger.” I say as I pour two cups of coffee and head back to the living room.
“I know, but I wish I could have shielded her better.”
“What happened?” I ask abruptly and look at her expectantly.
“Which version do you want?” she questions before taking a sip of coffee. She closes her eyes and smiles.
“I want the truth, that’s all I want. No sugar coating.”
She nods and takes a deep breath. “I was trying to keep her calm and quiet, it was the only thing I could do to help. She and I were held at gunpoint throughout the fucking show down, she was terrified and was freaking out. Viv even tried to calm her down from across the warehouse but nothing worked. It was horrible. I should have literally held my hand over her mouth to shut her up but I didn’t think of it at the time. Jared and Viv kept arguing about all the fucked up things he’d done in the past which caused her to freak out even more. She was having a panic attack and kept crying and talking back, which aggravated Jared until he lost it and shot her.” She squeezes my hand. I hadn’t even felt her take it.
“Fuck.” I rub my face with my free hand in total disbelief of the nightmare they had to endure. “What were her last words?”
“You don’t wanna know.” She sighs, sounding defeated.
“Please, I need to know.”
“Why?” She looks at me confused.
“Because after hanging out for so long with bikers, I’m becoming as sick and twisted as they are,” I yell at her, not meaning to but my pent up rage is leaking out. I’m fucking livid about what they’ve been through. I don’t know if I’m more enraged about what happened to Jenny or because Nicole was involved in all of this. I need to punch something right now to release the anger, it’s the only thing that will soothe me.
“First of all, they aren’t all sick and twisted, so don’t fucking judge, by the look of things you aren’t completely innocent either. Secondly, don’t you fucking dare yell at me. I came here to help you out, so if you wanna get pissed at me because I don’t want to repeat the words that haunt me every single time I close my eyes, then I’m out of here!” she yells at me. I’m not surprised by her reaction but I didn’t think she would lay into me like that. She’s the polar opposite of Jenny.
“Fair enough. Yes, I really do need to know, I don’t know why, but I do. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s dead and it’s all because of my connection to the club.”
“She didn’t die because of that. There’s one thing you need to know about Jared, if he wants you dead, then that’s it, he won’t stop until you are. So stop thinking it’s all because of you and the club. That has nothing to do with it. It might have sped things up, but it still would have happened. Jenny was in the wrong place at the wrong time and so was I. Bennett was just a burden to their plan so they tried to get rid of him. Had we not been all together, only Viv would have been taken.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I sigh, not sure what to believe anymore.
“I know I’m right. All Jared wanted was for Viv to come back so he could have his revenge. He knew where she was every second of the day; he had a man keeping tabs on her for years. He could have taken her and brought her back against her will, but he didn’t. He waited, that’s how sick he was. Even if he hadn’t taken Jenny away that day, he would still have ended up killing her. His MC was the one behind the threatening notes she was getting. You couldn’t have saved her, no matter what, she was condemned, I’m sorry,” she says softly. “Believing the club was responsible might help make things easier for you if you blame it on someone else, but in reality you’re hating the ones who are trying to help you.”
I sigh. I can’t believe this. “It is easier to blame everything on someone you can physically inflict pain on, than someone who isn’t there anymore.”
“I know what you mean. He’s the one who killed my parents. It wasn’t an accident.”
“What?” I look up at her shocked.
“Yeah, he confessed to it.”
“What else was said?”
“He told us all about his use and abuse of women, how he treated them, what he did to them and things like that. No wonder Jenny lost it. She was too sweet and innocent to hear that kind of shit.” she says sadly.
I nod. “Her last words?”
“You don’t relent, do you?”
“Never.” I smile darkly.
“Alright.” She takes a deep breath. “She said she’d rather be dead than listen to all the fucked up things he’s done.”
“And he just shot her?” I look at her in disbelief.
“Yes.”
“That sick motherfucker.” I jump up in a fit of rage and throw my still full cup of coffee against the wall, sending coffee and ceramic pieces everywhere.
I look back to Nicole and see her looking at me sadly before she gets up and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. I struggle against her, not wanting anyone touching me right now, even her, but she doesn’t let go. She holds onto me tighter and strokes my back. No doubt she’s trying to soothe me, but it’s not working. How could it work?
I try to push her away, but she has a death grip on my waist. I give up struggling. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me as tightly as I can, desperate to feel something other than rage. I disgust myself. I’m holding another woman when my wife was killed just two days ago.
I relax in Nicole’s arms, something I haven’t done in a really long time, even before everything went down. I don’t know how but she’s managed to calm the storm inside without saying a single word. I don’t know how long we stay embracing each other in the middle of my living room, but in all honesty, I don’t care. It feels good. I feel good.
February 21, 2015
Today is the day of the funeral.
I’m not ready to say goodbye to Jenny.
She was my life for the past six years, even though things weren’t perfect, a part of me still cared for her.
Her parents are going to be there and I know they are going to want to chase me away. I can’t
blame them, I still blame myself at least once per hour. Whenever I do, I try to remember Nicole’s words in my head, telling me it’s not my fault, that it would have happened no matter what.
Nicole.
She is everything that Jenny wasn’t. Except fucking beautiful, they’re both incredibly beautiful women, but where Jenny was sweet and innocent, Nicole is loud mouthed and feisty.
In the end, Nicole stayed the night last night, we talked for hours about everything and nothing, both of us needing an escape from this reality. She’s been amazing since I called her yesterday; I’ve made her relive the worst night of her life and she never once complained. Sure, she gave me some attitude, but I didn’t mind, it made things entertaining and, to be honest, I needed to hear it.
“Are you ready?” She asks standing next to me by my car, zapping me out of my thoughts.
“No, I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I have to do this. Thank you for coming with me.” I say and give her a crooked smile.
“Don’t mention it. I didn’t get to know her, but I could tell she was a really sweet woman, she didn’t deserve this at all.”
I simply nod at her and we make our way towards the cemetery where Jenny's family is sitting on one side of her dug grave and to my surprise, the whole of the Last Hangman, the Bastards from Hell and the Fallen Angels standing on the other. That’s well over a hundred people standing by her side. It warms my cold, dead heart. Only a handful of them knew who she was and yet, they took the time out of their day to come and pay their respects for a fallen soul.
I nod towards them before looking over at Jenny's family. I didn’t think I’d be standing on their side, well rather that they would let me stand on their side, but the nasty glares they are giving the men standing in front of them, disgust me. I walk proudly over to Ant, Ric and Ray and shake their hands. I’m standing on Ant’s left side with Nicole by my side. I look around at the members surrounding me and see that all their old ladies are there too, making this group even bigger than I first thought.
I can’t help the faint smile that plays on my lips. I never thought I’d have a family again and yet, over these past three days more people have tried to make sure I wasn’t killing myself slowly than any have for the past thirty years. In a way, I know Jenny would have been happy that I had found something that resembles a family. She couldn’t have kids. I had accepted that fact, even though it bothered me, I accepted it. She, however, couldn’t cope with it. I always promised her we would find a way to have a kid even if he or she wouldn’t technically be ours, we’d still be parents. It would have been a huge mistake, but I wanted her to be happy.
This is the one positive thing that came out of all of this, I found a family. Something I longed for, for so long. I don’t know how it’s going to go down with the nature of my work, but I’m not about to turn away from what I’ve just found.
Nicole slips her hand through the crook of my arm and gives me a quick squeeze. I look down at her and smile softly.
“Are you alright?” She looks at me confused.
“I’ll get there, but this is pretty fucking great.” I whisper.
“What is?” She looks at me confused.
“This.” I point to the group of people behind us and she squeezes my arm.
“Yeah it’s pretty amazing.” She smiles softly at me and I nod. It really is pretty fucking sweet.
Call me an asshole for feeling at peace on the day my wife is buried but I don’t give a fuck. All I know is that something changed. I have no idea what, but it’s fucking good to feel alive again. I haven’t felt like this in so long that I can’t even remember when I felt this content. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I ever have.
I know that no matter what, the people behind me will have my back and I’ll have theirs. For some of them it might be in a beneficial way because I could get them out of trouble and for some reason, I wouldn’t mind as much anymore. I don’t see them the same way I used to before. They aren’t estranged outlaws, they’re family. I just hope they’ll still be as accepting of me when they find out about my past, as I’ve been about their illegal activities when I’m representing the law in the group.
They say that there is only so much a man can take before he crumbles, but they never explain that he gets back up with the support of his family and friends, but what happens when those helping hands are the ones who helped his fall?
Things won’t fix themselves within a couple of days. Time will be needed for everything to get back to some sort of normalcy. Some of the people behind me are still suffering from the events of these past few days, but I have faith that we’ll get there. Together.
CHAPTER 3
Nicole
The funeral, despite being heart breaking like every funeral, was also heartwarming. Not for Jenny’s family, the nasty glares that they were giving us were just uncalled for and disrespectful to her memory. We were all there to show our support and pay our final respects to her. None of us had to be there and yet, we all showed up together, they could have had the decency to hide their distaste. None of us would have felt good about missing it, if not for our own piece of mind but for Jason. He needs the support, even if he keeps rejecting it.
Her parents flat out refused to let him speak the few words he wanted to say so we all hung back after they left so he could say his goodbyes to her. I don’t know how he’s still standing, he’s a lot stronger than I would be had I lost the one I loved.
His final words to Jenny hit all of us and are still giving me chills.
We all surround her grave, letting Jason stand by the headstone.
“Thank you all for joining me again. You didn’t have to. I certainly didn’t expect to see all of you here today but it really means a lot to me that you all came even though most of you didn’t even know who she was,” Jason says looking at all of us.
“You’re welcome, Brother. I didn’t know her, but she didn’t deserve to die or be here with just her family.” Ant sighs. He’s right, only her parents and I think, her sister, were here. I don’t know if she had any friends left, I know she distanced herself from them, but I’d have thought some of them would have showed up.
“Appreciate it more than you could know. I have a couple of words I wanted to say earlier but wasn’t allowed to. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.” I can tell he’s uncomfortable which is a first.
“We are all here for you, Sanders,” Ric says, surprising us all.
Jason nods once and takes a breath. “Jenny didn’t deserve this. She had nothing to do with any of it and yet, she’s the one paying for my mistakes. She always supported me and even though over time she started to hate that I’m a cop, she was so supportive in the beginning. I should have let her go when there was still time to save her. She was always going to have a target on her back because of my work and I hate that it’s my fault. Some of you are going to tell me it’s not, but it is. I might not be the one who pulled the trigger, but had I not been a cop or close to all of you, it wouldn’t have happened.” He sighs and looks down at the headstone. “I’m sorry I failed you Jenny. All I wanted was to make you happy and I failed. I couldn’t keep the promises I made to you. Thinking back on it, I wish I could have been more honest and open with you. You barely knew the real me and I wish I’d had the guts to tell you. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart, no matter what happens.” He looks back up at us. “Things might not always be as they seem. Appearances can be deceiving. Lies are told, truths are revealed and they shatter our worlds, but no matter what, never go to bed upset or mad at someone, it might be the last time you see them. Always tell the ones you love that you love them. You never know what the future holds.” He finishes and places a single white rose over her headstone and walks away.
We all look at each other and walk back to our cars or bikes in silence, no doubt everybody thinking about what Jason just said.
He’s right. No one knows what the future holds or what might h
appen. Thinking back on all the stupid things said and done and all the times I was pissed at Gabe, I’m glad we’ve always been able to patch things up and talk it out. I wish I had the opportunity to say goodbye to my parents properly and tell them one last time that I love them, but that’s not a luxury I’ll ever have.
I can’t imagine how Jason must be feeling right now. Even though some of the things he said were confusing, I’m sure he did love Jenny but whether he was in love with her or not, that’s another story. Either way I’m sure he’d have loved to be able to say goodbye to her properly. The last time they talked was him telling her he had to move her into protection.
“What are you thinking about?” Jason asks me, shaking me from my thoughts.
“Nothing.” I sigh and look at him.
“You’re a shit liar.”
“Your last words back at the cemetery.” I say softly.
“What about them?”
“They hit me right in the feels.” I shrug.
“It’s true though, I wish we could have talked things through before it all happened, but I was too preoccupied by what was going down to make the time to call her and apologize.”
“Apologize for what?” I look over to him as I pull up at a red light.
“Everything I did that made it go so wrong?” He looks over to me as he pulls up at a red light.
“Not everything is your fault. Yes, you have flaws, you weren’t attentive and affectionate enough towards your wife, but don’t blame everything that went wrong in your relationship on yourself. If she really loved and wanted you she should have worked harder and tried to be more understanding.” From the glare he’s giving me, he does not love what I just said.
“Don’t you dare.”
“Dare what? Say the truth? It’s the truth Jase and you fucking know it. So stop acting like you’re at fault for all of this. No, you’re not perfect, but guess what, neither was Jenny. You both should have worked harder on the relationship, but from what you told me last night, she wasn’t that keen on making things work. It’s time to stop whining for fuck’s sake, you’re worse than a woman! Accept the fact that your marriage failed and that whilst your job might have played a part in it, not everything is down to you. God you’re infuriating sometimes.” I groan, tired of his moaning and pity party.
Trusting Nicole Page 3
