I’m so fucking stupid. I have a good woman at home and I’m pushing her away. I quickly pack everything up in the boxes Nikolai gave me and leave the room, but not before taking one last look at it. This is the last time I’ll see it and it’s hitting home. I’m thrown back to that night when all I wanted was for my parents to wake up and my nightmare to end. I never got the chance to grab a few of my things to remember my parents by. Now I have my opportunity to say goodbye properly and it fucking hurts. I only got four years with my parents, they didn’t get to raise me or see me grow up, they’ll never know their grandchildren or Nicole. They would have loved her.
With one sad last look at the room, I close the door to my childhood and my old life. I close this chapter of my life and open a new one, hopefully one with the woman I was meant to be with.
CHAPTER 29
Nicole
One week. One long freaking week without seeing Jase and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I’m pretending it doesn’t bother me but fuck if it doesn’t kill me to stay away from him. With all that happened I understand he needs some time to reflect, but it feels like he’s pushing me away on purpose and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Things were going so well between us despite those fuckers messing with us. I just don’t understand this sudden change in his behavior. He was all loving and couldn’t get enough of me and now he doesn’t even want to be around me, talk about emotional whiplash.
I wish I could call him and see how he really is, the only contact we’ve had is through text. I can’t help but check in every day with him, but letters on a screen isn’t the same. It’s easy to say in a text that you are okay even if you’re not, the other person isn’t there to see or hear you. On the phone I’d be able to get a better idea if he really is okay.
I’ve been trying to study and focus on something else. I’m not a patient woman, far from it. I have zero patience, so me giving him the time he needs is a freaking miracle. I’m not a clingy woman, I’m not about to hog him all the time and constantly be in each other’s pockets, but I’d like to know where we stand.
Ugh! I feel like I’m turning into one of those psycho clingy women. I’m annoying myself. I groan out in frustration and slam my text book shut.
“What did it do to you?” I let out a loud, quick scream and jump. Turning around, I see Jase laughing at my reaction.
“One of these days I’ll have a fucking heart attack and it’ll be yours, Gabe and Aleck’s fault.” I narrow my eyes at him and then smile. “It’s good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too.” He sighs and sits across from me. “Wish it wasn’t like this.”
“What do you mean?” I look at him in confusion, not liking the fact that he chose to sit across from me instead of next to me. Yep, I’m turning into one of those annoying psycho girls.
“All bruised up and battered.”
“Jase, I saw you in a worse state than that.” I hold my hand out to him. It takes him a second but he picks it up with his injured hand. “How’s the hand?”
“Getting there, the other fingers are mourning the loss of pinky though.” He shrugs and smiles.
“Well at least you can smile about it.” I give him a gentle squeeze on his left hand.
“There was no way to salvage the finger and I’m not going to grow another one so might as well accept it and laugh about it,” he says but he looks sad and I’m sure it has nothing to do with his finger.
“Are you alright?” I look at him in concern.
“I don’t know.” He sighs.
“You know you can talk to me.” I smile warmly at him and move over to him.
“I know. I’m just- this is fucking frustrating.” He rubs his face with his uninjured hand.
“What is?” I rub his back for comfort.
“I haven’t seen you in a week and it’s been killing me to stay away from you. I hate myself for pushing you away.”
“It’s alright, I understand.”
“It didn’t annoy you or anything?” He looks at me, raising his eyebrow.
“Alright, alright. It was fucking killing me. I even resorted to studying to pass the time. Can you believe that? I’ve wanted to come see you or call you every five minutes and I hate that I wanted to do it because I hate girls who do that.” I groan, making him laugh.
“You should have.” He smiles and kisses my shoulder.
“What?” I look at him, eyes wide.
“Might have kicked my ass into gear and opened my eyes quicker.”
“Huh? What did then?”
“I went to the mansion one last time to pick up the last of my things. Remember that room upstairs I told you that was locked and required a code to open it?”
“Yeah? Did you figure it out?” I ask excitedly.
“Yes, it was my fucking birthday.” He chuckles.
“Seriously? Thirty years and you never tried that?” I can’t help but laugh.
“Nope, never, not once. In a way, I’m glad I did.” He smiles at me.
“Why?”
“Well, behind that door was my childhood room. Nikolai had brought everything into the house and recreated my room, without the mess he said.” He chuckles. “It was weird and heart breaking and heartwarming to see everything exactly as it was the day I was forced to leave. They had picked up a bunch of my parents’ belongings and all of our pictures, so I now have things from my parents and it’s good to have that back. I feel like I have some of my past life back and it feels fucking great. Sergei had also put a note on the bed.” He takes it from his pocket and hands it to me to read it over.
I smile as I read. “You’re free.” I sigh leaning against him.
“Yes. Nikolai told me I could keep working with them if I wanted to.”
I look up at him. “What did you chose?”
“You. I chose you.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I need to know if you are okay with everything. My past, my life, the horrible things I’ve done th-”
“If you ask me that one more time I swear I’ll kick your ass.” I glare at him.
“I can’t help it. I’m scared you’re going to end up hurt because of me. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Is that why you pushed me away? To protect me? Well newsflash Jase, I don’t need to be protected, I need to be loved. You can’t save a damsel in distress if she loves her distress. Besides, nothing will happen to me as long as you are by my side.”
“Why me? You could have anyone.”
“You’re it, okay? I don’t know how, I don’t know why, all I know is that you are the only one that will do, despite everything and not being with you hurts like goddamn hell and I didn't- I just need you to let me in, please.”
“God, Kitten.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and brings me to him, kissing me with such passion, despair and fear. It’s like it’s the last kiss we’ll ever share, when actually it’s the first of many. “I’m bound to fuck up.” He groans.
“We’ll deal with it when it comes to that.” I stroke his cheek and he nuzzles into it, making me melt into a puddle of mush.
“You sure?” He chuckles.
“I’m sure.” I smile as I look into his eyes. “What are you going to do now?”
He sighs and wraps his arms around me. “I have no fucking clue.” He chuckles.
“Well that’s good, we can spend time together and relax. We both deserve it.”
“That we do. How is everyone doing?” He kisses my temple.
“They are doing good, rebuilding the compound and part of the garage that blew up, sorting out Viv’s bar. You know, the usual. The Bastards and Angels are helping so it’s all progressing faster than anyone expected. They’ve all been asking after you.” I look up at him.
“Really?”
“Yeah, they do like you.” I smile squeezing his thigh.
“I’m not sure about that.” He sighs.
“Why would you say that? They all came to help save you. They didn’t
want to go with Sergei’s plan. They wanted to just barge in straightaway to get you. They wouldn’t have risked their lives if they didn’t care.”
“It’s just hard when you’ve been raised without any love to have people appreciate and like you. I’m not used to it and it’s still hard to grasp.”
“What about me?”
“What about you?”
“I love you. I’m in love with you,” I say softly.
His breath hitches. “I love you too.”
“But?”
“How did you know?” He chuckles nervously.
“Meh, I know you. You’re a stubborn ass who always has to get the last word.”
“Not that I get to have it that often with you.”
“So true and don’t you ever forget it.” I chuckle. “So…but?”
“But I don’t know how to do this, us. Sure we’ve been on and off together for a while, but we’ve never actually done the couple thing. What if we don’t get along or you don’t like the person I am or I realize you’re annoying and clingy.” He chuckles at the end.
“Had you not chuckled I’d have fucking punched you.” I squint my eyes at him.
“Not even sorry.” He kisses my head.
“We’ll have to wait and see how things go. Nobody can predict those things, that’s what makes life interesting. We have the rest of our lives to see what we want to do. We don’t have to rush into anything you don’t want to.”
“Are you for real?” He looks at me in disbelief.
“Yeah, why?”
“I thought you’d have my ass for not being able to commit or something.”
“Oh, that’s what you meant.” I sigh, not expecting that.
“Knew I’d fuck up,” he mutters under his breath.
“What is it that you want out of us?”
“I want to be with you and earlier, I- I don’t know what I want right now. All of this is fucking confusing to me and it’s killing me. When I came here all I wanted to do was to ask you to move in with me. Right now I’m fucking confused and the more I think about it, the more I want it to happen and the more it scares me that you’re going to realize I’m not worth it.”
“You know what? When you make up your stubborn mind, you know where to find me.” I get up and walk inside, slamming the patio door closed.
I love him but he’s fucking infuriating. I understand his fear of commitment with all he’s been through but he knows me, he knows I’d always be by his side. Even with all the fucked up things he’s done. In the back of his mind he’ll always think that he’s a killer, that it’s his true nature. It was just his way of surviving in a hostile environment, survival of the fittest I guess. I’ll have to constantly remind him how much I love him and how his past doesn’t change the way I feel about him.
I’ll just have to be fucking patient again.
CHAPTER 30
Jason
I knew I would fuck up.
I knew it and I let it happen again. I don’t know why I keep sabotaging myself, one day she’s not going to take me back and it’s going to kill me.
I walk back to my car and get in. I want to go after her, but I’ll just make things worse. I’m not like her friends. I’m not strong and hot headed like they are or even like she is. I groan in frustration and drive to the compound, well, the ‘under construction’ compound, hoping to get some advice.
The drive isn’t long, but long enough for me to lose myself in thoughts of Nicole and I happy together. When I’m away from her she’s all I think about but when I’m around her, I turn into this scared little boy who’s afraid to commit or that she will be taken from me. Am I just making that shit up in my head to sabotage myself or am I just struggling to accept that I’m someone normal and not the monster I think I am?
I park in front of the bar and leave my fucked up thoughts behind. I walk to the guys and see they have actually made a lot of progress. They’ve cleared the debris and managed to get the foundations and two walls back up already, the garage is all fixed and so is the playground for the kids. I hear someone call my name and I turn around, looking for the owner of the voice. I see Gabe waving at me from Viv’s bar. I make my way over and he pats my back when I reach him.
“Welcome back, Brother. Good to see you’re still alive.” He chuckles.
“It’s good to be back.” I pat his back in return and make my way inside. I’m greeted by everyone inside and I’m led to a table in the back, which I’m guessing is the new temporary chapel.
“Good to see you in one piece,” Ant chuckles and motions for me to sit down.
“Yeah, just missing one bit.” I chuckle, holding my hand up.
“Hadn’t even noticed. That’s fucked up,” Ray says.
“I’ll live.” I shrug.
“How are things with the cops and the Russians?” Ant asks, not wasting any time.
“I’m free from the Russians and the cops haven’t been around actually. I don’t know what’s going on, but I haven’t seen them even after being in the hospital for all of this.” I point at my face.
“Free from the Russians?” He asks looking at me intently.
“Yeah, Nikolai gave me the choice to be free or keep working for them.”
“And you picked being free? You’re a fool. You were protected with them.” Ric says.
“I’m still protected and can go back if I want to, but I’m done with that part of my life. I didn’t recognize the man I became and I’m struggling wi- let’s just say it’s hard to make peace with yourself when the only side of yourself you know is the one who tortured and killed people for twenty years.”
“So you’re done with that?” Ant asks me, looking at me oddly.
I sigh. “I’m done being their little bitch, doing their dirty work. If I have to kill someone, I’ll do it. I just don’t want to live that lifestyle anymore. I’ve ruined so many families. Some people weren’t totally innocent, but not worth killing when you just owe money to someone.”
“You have regrets,” Ray says matter of factly.
“A couple. As I said, some people didn’t need to die for what they were accused of. Some people deserved it and some people didn’t get punished enough for what they did.”
“You still have a heart.” Ray smiles. “That’s good.”
“How’s that?”
“That means you’re not a cold blooded murderer. You’re just a normal man who was dealt a shitty hand and made the best of it. Looks like your cards have changed.” Ant says smiling.
I look at all of them grinning at me and wonder what the fuck they are up to. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”
“Remember a certain talk we had a couple months ago? About you having to make the decision?”
“Yeah.”
“This is your time.” Ant says looking at me.
“Meaning?”
“You’re slow today.” Gabe chuckles.
“Just had a fight with your sister, not fully with it.”
“We need to talk about that after.” He glares at me.
“Enough you two. Worse than kids.” Ant shakes his head. “Can you ride a motorcycle?”
“Yeah.” I look at him, confused.
“Good.” He smirks and pulls out a cut with the Last Hangman Logo on the back of it and lays it on the table. “The decision is yours. If you want in, you’re more than welcome. If you don’t, it won’t change anything. You’re still family.” He smiles genuinely and in that moment, I realize that what Nicole said was true. They had accepted me as their own. Despite everything they still want me as part of their club.
“Don’t you fucking cry or I’ll make you eat the fucking cut.” Gabe laughs.
“I won’t cry, you fucker. Thanks for trusting me to be a part of your club.” I put it over my jacket and they all cheer. I laugh with them, but deep down, I wish Nicole was here to cheer and celebrate with me.
“Alright. Now that the festivities are over, we need to talk business,” An
t says.
“Oh come on, you’re spoiling the fun! Where’s the fucking cake?” Bennett says, making all of us laugh.
“You have a weird addiction to cake. You’re banned from hanging out with the ladies,” Ant says while laughing.
“Now you’re really no fun at all.” Bennett scoffs.
“We won’t be long and then you’ll be able to go stuff your face. There’s no menace hanging over our heads as of late. We don’t have any other MC trying to fuck with us, but I like our truce and alliance and would like to keep it and the deals going.”
“I agree. It’s nice not to be at war with the clubs in the area.” Ray chuckles.
“I agree, we’re good with it. It’s been working well, both in and out of war.” Ric says.
“Can I go stuff my face now?” Bennett asks seriously.
“Yes.” Ant says and we all burst out laughing as he limps, more like swaggers, out of the room.
“That man and cake.” Gabe shakes his head.
“I don’t know if the decision to patch me in was only made by the Hangmen or everyone, but thank you. No, I’m not going to get all emotional, Gabe. You can keep your tissues hidden. I never felt like I had a family and here I feel like I belong. Thanks for accepting me. That’s all.”
“It was a unanimous decision. You are family. You were even when you were a cop. The badge made it hard for us to patch you in, but we’d still have asked you. You never belonged with the cops. You helped us without corrupting yourself, that shows something.” We all laugh and it warms my heart that they had approved of me before they knew the truth.
“Party time!” Callum cheers and the room clears. Everyone leaves but Gabe and I.
“Is Aleck alright?” I ask Gabe.
Trusting Nicole Page 20
