by Laura Brown
“Ready?”
I nodded.
“Class good?” he asked as we walked. His hands moved slowly and simply for me. I’d learned ASL grammar differed from English. At this point I could focus only on recognizing the signs.
“Yes, learn a lot.”
“That my girl.”
Color me stunned on two levels: one, I understood him. Two, he called me his girl. Assuming I understood him. I grabbed his arm.
“‘My’ girl?”
He stopped and pulled me to the side of a building. Ferns climbed the red brick, blocking the harsh sunlight. My back pressed against the building, greenery cushioning my head and surrounding my peripheral. His body blocked the street, his face darkened by shadows, leaving us in a secluded green alcove in the middle of the city. With one hand he slapped his chest. “M-I-N-E.” Then he pulled out his phone.
Reed: I warned you about the caveman behavior; don’t be so surprised. You OK with being mine?
The butterflies were back in my stomach, fluttering like they were stuck in a wind tunnel and trying to break free. I had never been claimed before; no one had gotten close enough to do so. And I had always felt unworthy. Not with Reed.
Along with those happy thoughts came dark ones I refused to acknowledge. The type of thoughts reinforcing my decision to stay single. That claiming me would only lead to pain as I couldn’t return the favor. Thoughts I didn’t want to ponder, not now.
I pulled him into me and locked my lips with his, licking into his mouth. He met me beat for beat before resting his forehead against mine. He took a few breaths, regulating his breathing, before pulling me along to the restaurant.
Val and Willow were already there, as well as three others I remembered seeing at the party. I was introduced to a tall guy with red hair who was in Val’s interpreter program, a girl with thick black glasses in the Deaf Ed program, and a skinny I Should Have Been a Model Chick also in the Deaf Ed program.
The group signed and talked. I couldn’t follow everything, not with the noise level of the restaurant and my limited ASL. But I didn’t feel left out. I didn’t feel alone. Even when Reed wasn’t paying attention to me, the table held a sense of connection. Especially when Willow caught my eye and signed something indicative of the noise level.
It amazed me how visual the language really was. I Should Have Been a Model Chick told a story, her whole body getting into the action. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve pegged her for a drama major. Her face all but glowed with expression. She turned in different directions, hands moving large and small. I had no clue what she talked about, but I got the excitement of the story. Furthermore, it was damn cool to watch.
Reed squeezed my thigh. When I turned, he had his phone in his lap and pointed to it. I grabbed mine out of my bag.
Reed: You OK? Not left out too much?
Me: Yup, I’m good.
I put my phone away and prepared to watch more of the fascinating story, but Reed grasped my chin and turned me toward him. His eyes roamed over my face, studying me. I had no idea what he was looking for, but he nodded and let me go.
Me: What was that?
Reed: Wanted to see if you were lying.
Me: Why would I lie?
He looked at me, thumb tapping against his phone, as if wrestling with himself.
Reed: Why do you have headaches?
I stared at my screen. A prickle traveled up my spine, a prickle that said there was a reason for his question. There was a real answer to his question. Did he see something I didn’t?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve had them for as long as I can remember.
Reed: Like Sunday morning?
Me: Sometimes, yes.
When I dared to raise my eyes I found him staring at me again. He reached out and brushed a thumb over my temple.
Reed: Not normal. Worries me.
Me: Don’t make me regret telling you this. No one else knows this. Not D, not my family.
That awarded me a look of shock.
Reed: Why not?
Me: We don’t talk about things in my family. The headaches are my burden. I handle it.
Reed: What does your doctor say?
Me: Nothing.
Reed: You haven’t told your doctor?
Me: Why would I tell her? She asks about changes, not the status quo.
Reed: How often do you have headaches?
I had one right now threatening to break through my skull and strangle him.
Me: Drop it.
Reed: After you answer the question. How often?
Me: You going to break up with me over this?
What a stupid girly thing to type. Though I saw through my own words to the depressing truth. Sooner or later I’d damage our relationship. I wasn’t destined to be loved. This text was a subtle yet premature push to remain detached. He blinked at the message then reached over and intertwined his hands with mine. He shook his head no several times before pulling me in for a kiss. This kiss wasn’t hot, and it wasn’t sweet. Rather, this kiss said he wasn’t going anywhere.
How did things get so serious so quickly? I had two choices. Either I held him off, kept him at bay, and continued to depend on only myself. Or I could risk my heart and let him in. No, risking my heart was out of the question. I wasn’t sure I had one to risk. Could I be honest? Did I want to be honest with Reed?
Me: Almost all the time.
Reed: Now?
Me: What do you think?
Reed: How bad?
Me: Was mild, but all this poking and prodding from you has it up a few levels.
He let out a breath and ran a hand down his thigh.
Reed: I’m sorry.
Me: Not your fault.
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my temple. My eyes closed on reflex, and my head quieted down.
Me: Keep that up. You have a way of removing the pain. Or making me forget about it.
He flashed me a smile.
Reed: Anytime.
Chapter Eighteen
Reed
STUDYING NEXT TO Carli was not an easy task. The closeness was enough to drive me crazy, especially as her intoxicating body wash or perfume or whatever made me extra aware of her. But that wasn’t what got the best of me. She fidgeted more than an ADHD kid.
Or at least, more than the one in my class, whom I’d never seen still for longer than two minutes.
If it wasn’t brushing her hair out of her face, turning a page, or writing a note, then it was the subject change. If her hands were still, then her feet were in motion, flicking her pillow. She had all her classes stacked up beside her bed as I graded a spelling lesson from my students.
I stared at one word, clueless as to how my student came to this spelling, when Carli closed yet another book. She flipped to her back, no books in hand. She rubbed her eyes, blocking off her view of me. I took in her long eyelashes sticking out from under her palms, down to her pink lips. Her slender neck exposed and called for my touch. Unable to stop myself, I visually traced the dips and curves of her body.
Yeah, my focus wasn’t much better than hers. At least not right now.
I checked my watch, noting her last subject attempt lasted seven minutes. And right about now, I enjoyed her frequent changes. I shifted closer to her. “Pain?” Please, no pain. After eyeing her body up and down, I had no will to continue grading.
She shook her head. “No, C-O-N-C-E-N-T-R-A-T-I-O-N.”
I leaned over her, close enough that the heat of her body revved my engine, and looked at her books. I could never switch subjects as easily as she did, and she had the issues?
I looked back at her, struggling to keep some space between us. Maybe a little less homework would be a good thing. “Break?”
Her lips curved into a smile I wanted to taste. “Please.”
I let my body dip closer to her. She squirmed under me, and just like that, our bodies were flush. Good to know we were on the same page. I leaned in, aiming for those tempting pink li
ps. As my fingers brushed her hair back, she closed one eye and flinched.
Damn, I must’ve hit her hearing aid.
“Come on, give me your hearing aid.”
She stared and the blacks in her eyes shrunk.
If she didn’t trust me with her hearing aids, what was she doing about to at least make out with me on her bed? “Trust me. T-R-U-S-T me.”
I needed her response to this, in more ways than one. Because if she didn’t trust me, we weren’t having sex, and my hard-on was going to be pissed.
She studied my eyes, and I waited. Then she pulled her aids out. They were warm from her body heat as she deposited them in my hands. I reached over her, placing them on top of her book pile. Then I settled my body against hers, brushing the top of her ears.
Hearing aids or not, it didn’t make one difference to me. But I liked Carli like this, natural. As she was made. I pressed my lips against her temple, kissing a path to her ear. I followed around her earlobe, nibbling on her small silver hoop earring.
Not done, not even close, I worked my way to her jawline. Only my path got cut short when she shifted and her lips met mine.
I sunk into this little piece of heaven she offered me, her soft lips moving against my own. I needed to touch. I needed to feel. I needed her. I ran my hand up her flat stomach, over the mound of her breast, stopping at the peak. She hardened in my hands. I had the sudden urge to speed things up and just take her already but forced myself to remain in check.
I wasn’t the only one wanting more. She tugged at my green shirt. I left her lips and yanked the shirt over my head and threw it on her floor. The woman below me smiled, eyes heavy with desire as they trailed a path to my chest and stomach.
I wanted a view of my own. I pulled her long-sleeved tee shirt off her. Her mouth moved, and she squirmed, as if she hadn’t expected just that. I wanted to make her squirm again, for me. I yanked her bra cup down and sucked her tight peak into my mouth.
Her skin tasted smooth and sweet, and her nails dug into my back. I helped myself to a second tasting, just as delectable as the first. Her body rose to meet mine, making the cramped quarters in my jeans downright suffocating.
I needed to make sure we were on the same page here. I reared up on my elbows, and as soon as I did, she rolled out from under me. Before I could blink, she tossed a condom on the bed. I couldn’t stop the smile if I wanted to. Then I remembered what she had written the last time we were alone together. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket.
Me: Not that I’m complaining, but why did you point out birth control last time?
I handed her the phone, or started to. I got distracted by her head on her pillow, her bare breasts full and perky.
Carli: You seem to have that effect on me. I am on birth control, but I always use condoms as well. I learn from my parents’ mistakes.
My father would love this girl. And that was the wrong thought to have right about now. Then the rest of her words filtered in. Mistakes? I raised my eyebrows.
Carli: My parents never wanted kids, used the pull-and-pray method. I’m unwanted daughter #4.
The pain in her eyes was something I could relate to. I shoved the phone back into my pocket and pulled her to me. “I want you.”
Her eyes drifted to the part of me making the extent of my statement obvious.
I laughed. “No, not”—I put my hands on her breasts, doing my best not to squeeze or rub or lose myself in them—“I want you.” I indicated this by touching her head and then her heart.
This was more than just sex. But I had never been a just-sex guy.
I kept my hand on her chest, nestled between two mounds I really wanted to explore some more. My eyes remained on hers, waiting for her to register what I signed. Before an answer appeared on her face, she gripped my shoulders until our bodies met, kissing me. In her lips and her tongue, I tasted her emotions. Something I signed definitely clicked.
I settled against her and let our tongues swap all those crazy sentiments. My hands wandered, taking in smooth skin inch by inch. When I reached her pants, she angled her hips and bit my lip. I laughed against her mouth as I slid my hand into her panties and inside.
My heart rate doubled; she was more than ready, and so was I. Her eyes were closed, and I kept my hand busy while I pulled off the rest of her clothes and mine. If I didn’t do something soon, I was going to last exactly two seconds.
She still had her eyes closed, a very happy smile on her gorgeous face. I prepped the condom, my hands shaking. Too damn long. I positioned myself between her legs as her eyes opened. She took in my entire body, then propped up on her elbows.
“Your T-U-R-N.”
I dropped my head down, doing my best not to make this moment an epic failure. I searched for something to communicate with, but my pants were on the floor, and I had no idea where her phone was. I grabbed a notebook and pen from her nightstand.
Val told you about Beth. If you touch me, it might be game over. I’d like to make a better impression than that.
And I was an idiot for sharing that much, but I had no blood flow left in my brain.
You’ve got nothing to worry about.
I threw the paper on the floor. Thank God. She wrapped her legs around me, shifting her hips, the invitation clear in every inch of her. I kissed her, hard, in a mad attempt to gain some footing, before sliding inside.
She felt good. So good I could probably have come with little effort from either of us. I laid my head on her neck, struggling to keep my breathing out of hyperventilation zone. She shifted, sinking me in farther, then stopped, allowing our bodies to be joined in a way that felt meant to be.
I pulled back, just enough to sign, “You feel good.”
The answer was clear in her eyes, and I almost thanked her right then and there. “You two.”
I smiled at her incorrect sign, grateful for the small amount of laughter taking me off the cliff’s edge. I reared back and pushed back in. One push and her eyes rolled back. I knew I still wouldn’t last long, but at least she was already there with me.
I continued moving against her, inside her, each push blowing a brain cell I had no desire to reclaim. Just when a small window of prolonged stamina grew from my desire to keep this going, she clenched around me. Her mouth opened, the pleasure on her face apparent. I was a lost man. As her body continued to quake, I pushed in one last time before collapsing in her arms.
Instead of pushing my weight off her, she wrapped arms and legs tight, not giving me an inch to move in.
I kissed her neck and created enough space to sign, “You’re beautiful.”
She smiled and pulled me back down for a kiss. I reached over for the paper and pen.
Think you can concentrate now?
Carli laughed and pushed at my shoulder. I got off her, even though I didn’t want to. She began to collect her clothes, scratching her head as she tried to figure out which angle I’d tossed the articles in. I had no clue, so I stayed on her bed, watching her creamy skin disappear under fabric. She finger-combed her hair and put her hearing aids back on. Then she caught me staring, still naked. Heck, I hadn’t even gotten rid of the condom yet.
“What?” she asked, her cheeks blushing.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to bask in the moment before karma caught up with me and fucked up my life again. If I had pissed off any gods by having sex, I knew nothing was coming right now. Maybe later it’d kick me in the ass. But for now all remained peaceful.
I kissed her and got dressed myself. We tried to get more work done. Only now the room had that sweat-and-sex-tinged smell to it. Carli lay beside me, and I knew exactly how she felt, how she squirmed. What she tasted like.
Hmm, I hadn’t done that yet.
I leaned over her and kissed her neck, wondering what the hell had gotten into me. Oh, that’s right—her. She angled her head, giving me greater access. In no time our books were forgotten, and I proved I did possess better stamina.
I also let her touch me, but only because her eyes begged.
BY THE TIME I made it home, the stars had come out. I couldn’t catch them in Boston, but in Somerville a few managed to poke out from the buildings and streetlights. I took a deep breath of the cooling air as my jacket fluttered against my back. The dark leaves of the thinning trees rustled in the wind.
The light was on in the kitchen, and I steadied myself, readying for the third degree Val was so good at. I checked the street and spotted Willow’s Beetle. Shit. She was worse than Val.
I took the steps two at a time and opened the door. Val and Willow shared an overloaded bowl of ice cream. Multiple mounds, hot fudge, and so many toppings I couldn’t figure out the flavor of ice cream. I grabbed a spoon and straddled a chair. With my spoon raised high, I asked the question with my brows.
Val sighed. Willow pushed the bowl to accommodate me, and I dug in. Flavor: mocha chip.
“I don’t think he needs the ice cream,” Val signed to Willow.
I’d let them pick on me for too many years. “I don’t. It looks good.”
Willow leaned back and slow clapped, hearing-style.
“Finally?” Val asked, more than a little shocked.
I stole a cookie from the ice cream toppings. “I’m not dead, just cautious.”
Willow squirmed in her seat. Val leaned back and looked at the ceiling. “About time. Wow.”
I reached for the bowl, but Willow held it out of reach. “Details first.”
“I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Shit,” she mouthed as she put the bowl down, and I felt the table groan as she slid the ice cream back my way.
Val smirked. “How about fuck and tell?”
“You have your own girlfriend.”
Val puffed out one cheek and stared at the ice cream. Right. Sweets and chocolates and two moody females. I went two years; they could handle a week.
“What a pity,” I signed.
“And look: the sky hasn’t fallen; the world hasn’t ended. No awful tragedy has befallen us all,” Val signed.
