by B. A. Wolfe
I felt a strong pair of arms around me as I was getting ready to slam my hands on the casket. His casket. Jase’s new home.
“Let me GO!” I screamed to the stranger holding me, my back pinned tightly against his chest.
“Shhh,” he said gently in my ear.
“No! He has to answer or he’ll lose his turn,” I cried out.
“It’s alright. I’ve got you,” he said quietly, keeping his arms around me. I didn’t know what it was, but his soft soothing voice and reassuring words were calming me over, and for a minute, I was able to take a breath. I closed my eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply as the stranger kept his arms around me.
“That’s it. Just breathe. You’re okay,” he said, whispering in my ear, his lips so close that they were almost touching me. His voice caused a shiver to run down my spine as his hold kept a strange calm over me.
I opened my eyes and turned to see who was holding me. His eyes held mine as I did. They were hazel and had a striking, green color laced through them. I was about to speak to him when I saw Mel walk up, and suddenly, his consoling arms left my body and released me to her. The calmness that had run over me instantly vanished. I felt my breath become rapid again as I ran into her arms, hiding my face in her neck, her hair covering the world around me. She held me as we walked to her car, not once looking back. I couldn’t. There was no point. He wasn’t going to wake up and step out of his casket. Nope, he would be lowered six feet down, the dirt covering him until it filled the hole that perfectly surrounded his body. There was no use in looking back. What’s done was done. What he once was, he was no more, and what we once had, had forever gone away.
***
“Sweetie, we need to stop by their house. We have to pick up your stuff.”
I knew this. I knew that my belongings were still in that damn house, sitting, waiting for me to go back to it. I left it the day of his transplant. I left it, knowing that I would be back. Moose felt bad for delivering my car and not my belongings, but I honestly didn’t know if I could take them back. They held too many painful memories. “No! Absolutely not. Please, just get me out of Keaton, right now.”
“How about I just run in and grab it then?”
“Why?” I looked over at her, my hands in the air.
“Cass, you need your stuff. It will only take a second,” she said in a tone that told me I wasn’t going to win this battle.
I dropped my hands to my lap. I didn’t have any fight left in me. “God, I just don’t even care anymore. Do whatever you want.”
It felt like we’d been on the shortest stretch of road when we pulled up to the house that I once considered a happy place. Now all I saw was heartache and death. I could see Melanie unbuckling her seatbelt while she kept her eyes on me. The stinging behind my eyes felt like blades trying to dig out of my sockets. It was brutal and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Where are your things?”
I closed my eyes, and saw my suitcase that I put in his room. It felt like I put it there ages ago. “In, it’s in.” I let out a hard sob. “His room,” I said as I struggled to breathe in-between the hard cries.
I felt her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll be right back. Can I have your keys?”
I knew that I was picking up my purse with my hands as I reached behind me to get it, but I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like a puppet, and someone else had moved my limbs. She pulled out my keys and quietly got out of the car. I wished I could be brave. I wished I could walk into the house that once felt so warm and welcoming, but I couldn’t. Everything I became was because of him and that house, and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it again. I dropped my head to my lap and let the tears soak my bare legs, drenching them, as the pain inside poured out of me like a waterfall.
It didn’t take long for Melanie to come back. She opened the door, and I could hear her sniffling. I slowly pulled my body up from my lap and looked over at her through my tear-soaked eyes. Her face was red, her eyes swollen with tears, and her demeanor matched mine. She wasn’t the friend trying to walk on eggshells around me just moments before. She was in pain. She placed my luggage in the back and sat down on the front seat, holding something in her hand.
“Mel?” I sobbed. “What is it?”
“Cass, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She put the item in her lap as she laid her forehead against the steering wheel in front of her. “I went in. I was doing okay. I tried so hard to hold myself together for you. I’m your friend and I was trying to be brave. Then I went down to his room. I could feel the tears coming as I grabbed your suitcase, and then this... This fucking thing. I saw it and I lost it.” She lifted her head, her eyes drenched with tears. I was hurting for him, for me, and now for Melanie. Damn it. I shook my head. I didn’t understand what she meant though; I didn’t know what ‘this’ was. She took in a deep breath between a hard sob and handed me the item on her lap.
I took the item in my hands. It was hard and looked like a book. I looked over at Melanie. “Turn it over, Sweetie,” she whimpered.
I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think it would be possible for my hands to turn it over, but as I watched the look on Melanie’s face, I knew I had to find just an ounce of strength in me to do what she asked.
I closed my eyes as I turned it over. It was soft and smooth, and I could feel the pages in-between the front and back casing. My heart slowly crumbled in my chest as I opened my eyes. I gasped as I saw it. I didn’t think my heart could possibly break any more than it already had, but it just did.
I looked at Melanie who was in hysterics and shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, Cass.”
I put my hand over the black, hard-backed journal that had the prettiest, delicate, pink bow attached to the front of it. The tears streaming down rapidly were drenching the beautiful journal. “No!” I sobbed out, shaking my head back and forth while reading the note attached to it.
“To Cassie. Write away, Sweetheart.”
I opened the journal to the first page, and like a kid at Christmas, knew that underneath that gorgeous wrapping paper was a gift. Jason left me something special; he left me my letter. I handed it to Mel to read to me. I couldn’t do it. She took it in her hands and closing her eyes, took a moment to gather herself so she could read me the letter that he’d promised me I’d get.
Cassie,
I told you I had special plans for your letter! You are peacefully sleeping next to me as I write this. You have absolutely no clue about it and that makes me smile.
One of the best memories I will always have was watching your face light up as you told me about the journal your mother gave you. I knew instantly that I had to get you one, and I can only hope that this will light your face up just as much. Not to mention, my impressive skills by incorporating the letter you so badly wanted, and I so badly wanted to write you in with your gift.
Follow your dreams, Sweetheart. Don’t ever let anyone or anything get in your way. Remember to stop and enjoy the little things in life. Enjoy the grass under your feet, have a picnic on the bed, and enjoy a good old-fashioned board game. Those are the moments that pass by too quickly but stay in your mind for years to come. I know with everything that I am that every little amazing thing about you will always stay in my mind forever and all the years to come.
Life has a funny way of showing us our true paths in life and I’m glad yours led you here to Keaton. I know deep down, though, that life has big things in store for you, just as much as I know that you will leave your mark on this world in an even bigger way. Getting lost and meeting me was just the beginning Sweetheart.
Now, my pretty girl, it’s time to write away.
Green light,
Jase
As the last of the letter poured out of Mel’s crying mouth, I couldn’t help but scream. I felt my heart as it ripped from the very cavity where it once was happy. I wanted Jason back. I wanted his smile, his kisses, and his warm embrace to come rushing back to me. I needed him badly
so that he could put my heart back where it belonged. It was never going to happen though, and all I had now were the memories and his final gift goodbye: my journal, his letter, and his words forever embedded in my soul.
The term away comes in many forms and phrases. Get away, stay away, far away, go away, run away, move away, but the term that best fits this situation… Went away. He went away. He left me. He left everyone. You went away, Jason.
Epilogue
1 Year Later
“ARE YOU READY?” Moose asked me.
“My mind is as ready as it’ll ever be, but my heart isn’t so certain.” I replied back.
As I drove us down the street toward him, my mind suddenly took sides with my heart. I had been so sure that I was ready to see him, but now that I was actually doing it, I was ready to turn back. But it was too late; I was already there. Damn small towns for having every place so close. Nerves that were unable to control themselves caused my palms to slip from the steering wheel as I tried to park my car.
“I’ll wait in here,” he told me.
I nodded as I got out of the car.
You can do this, Cassandra. You can do this. Talking myself into seeing him was easier said than done. I took a deep breath and tightly gripped my hands to keep them from shaking as I walked up to it.
I knelt down and unclenched my hands. Running my fingers across the cold hard stone, I traced the outline of his name as I read it aloud. “Jason Dean Bradley.” I could feel the lump in my throat growing, making it harder for me to hold back the tears that wanted to escape.
It was real. Everything was done; it was literally set in stone. “Oh, Jase, I thought this would be okay, but it’s far from that.”
A tear ran down my cheek. I watched as it landed on my lap and tried to think of where to start.
“I miss you so damn much. I’m sorry it took me this long to come and see you. I was hurting and miserable. I was being selfish. I thought I was the only one who lost someone special, but the truth is, everyone in this town lost you too. God, I wish this was a dream. I thought I could handle coming here and seeing you, but it makes it worse. It brings up every amazing memory I have of you. It makes me realize how much I wish you were sitting here next to me, looking back at me with those green eyes of yours, smiling at me, holding me tight.”
I let my chin fall to my chest and held my hand against his headstone. It was all that I could do to not lose it again. I let the stream flow out of my eyes and down my cheeks, now soaking my pants.
“Jason, I miss you. I want you to come back to me so badly.” I lifted my head up and wiped the tears that covered my eyes so I could see. “I came here to say hi and I had every intention of being strong and brave, but seeing this just makes it so official. I knew in my head that you weren’t coming back, but being here really puts it into perspective that you really are gone.” I took in a breath and released it slowly trying to calm myself. “Life has been so lonely without you. I think about you every day. I miss you calling me Sweetheart, and I miss playing trivia and Scrabble with you. You said forever, and I believed you. I believed we really would get our forever, but then fate told us no and took you away. It was as if my world was buried with you, and I didn’t even want it back. It’s been a struggle to dig myself out, but inch-by-inch and day-by-day, I tried my best and finally did.”
I took another breath, ready to prepare myself for what I was about to tell him next.
“Thank you for the journal and my letter. I never got the chance to tell you. Jesus, Jase, it was so perfect, so wonderfully perfect. You gave me something to always have that was from you, but I hated that I couldn’t even tell you thank you in person. You’ll never understand how much that gift meant to me. You told me you had a plan for my letter, and sweet guy, you delivered. You gave me something from you that I could hold onto forever, and I did. I held onto it day after day and I did what you told me to do. I wrote away. I wrote every day until I couldn’t any longer. I wrote about running away, hitting the tree, meeting you, the diner, the bar, our first kiss, the library, my baby, finding out about you, everything. I wrote my story and I wrote your story.”
I stopped for a moment as my mind went back to the day I began writing it all down. Word after word and page after page my notebook had filled up quickly.
“It was about us, two strangers finding friendship and love in a crazy situation, and in the end, what I ended up with was our story. I took what I wrote and let Melanie read it. She finally understood exactly what we had, and how much you truly meant to me. She loved it. She told me I needed to turn it into a book, get it published, and put it out there. She told me that people needed to read our story. I didn’t think I could, so I held onto to it. I held it close to my heart and I slept by it every night until it was as if I had an epiphany. I had to get our story out there, for you; it was going to be my gift to you, Jase. I found some amazing people to help me, and with their hard work and help, Away was published. You gave me that journal and I gave you our story. I hope I did you proud,” I told him, my voice cracking too much to carry on.
I placed my hands over my face and bawled. I let it all out, as I poured my heart into my hands, as I felt relieved for having told Jason what I did, and finally getting to tell him thanks in ‘person’. I removed my hands from my wet face, took a few deep breaths, and finished telling him the rest.
“Another moment I wish you could have been there for is when I held my sweet baby in my arms for the first time. God, he is so beautiful too. You would love him so much. I didn’t know what to expect, but he was full term when I delivered, and he is perfect. He is three months old now, and he amazes me every day. I wanted so much for him to have met you, so the best I could do was honor you by giving him a name you’d approve of. I named him Jase Timothy Pierce. His middle name is after Moose. He’s been such a rock to Jase and me.”
I turned my neck for a brief moment as I looked back at my car that Moose was waiting in. He was every bit of the friend Jason always said he was. With a heavy heart I looked back at the stone in front of me.
“I remember sitting at Melanie’s, waiting for the moment I would deliver this baby, and wondering on how earth I was going to do it. I didn’t think I had it in me to be his mom without you by my side, but when I saw his beautiful little face looking back at me, I knew with every ounce I had in me that there was no way I could give him up. He is with your mom right now. I forgot how much I missed your parents. I don’t think Jase will ever have to worry about not being loved.” My heart warmed at the thought of him never being without it.
With a deep sigh I went on, telling Jason the last of what I needed to.
“You told me that life had a funny way of showing us our paths. I am still trying to figure out what mine is. I’m still trying to figure out why you were taken so early, why life chose that path for you. They said I saved you, but really, you saved me. My life was a tornado spiraling out of control until it crashed into your life. You saved me Jase. Somewhere, somehow, I know you are watching down on us. Making sure that life keeps leading us in the right path. Maybe that’s what it is; maybe you are supposed to be showing me my new path. I need to know what to do next. I need a sign. Please, just send me a sign.” My breath caught as the rest of the tears rained down.
I put my hand over his name as I closed my eyes once again. I pictured his beautiful eyes looking into mine and his lips curled up, smiling back at me.
“I love you, Jase. Green light forever.”
Dan’s POV
ONLY A WEEK AFTER MY little brother died, I received a letter from him that would change my future. As I read it, the pain in my chest tightened from knowing that he was gone, and that this would be the last letter that I would ever receive from him; this was his final goodbye. I read it a dozen times, and each time I felt more heartache as the reality of it all set in. I knew what I had to do. I had to honor my brother’s last wish.
Dan,
We’ve been through this once
already. I’ve been in this bed waiting for a transplant before, so I know it’s going to be fine. I really feel that everything is going to be okay, but something is different this time. It’s Cassie. If something does go wrong, and if I don’t make it, I don’t know what will happen to her. I know Mom and Dad will have you, but Cassie won’t have anyone. She needs someone to be there for her. To push her, to let her know she has her whole future ahead of her. Dan, you have to do that for me, Brother. You have to be there for her. I know it’s a big favor to ask, but I also know that when you meet her, she’ll win you over. She wins everyone over.
As much as I want it to be me with her, I couldn’t think of a better man to watch over her than you. I know her. She’ll be pissed at you, and she’ll hate you for going behind her back and doing this. She’ll come around, though, and when she does, you’ll know it. Her hazel eyes will be light and soft, and her smile will never leave her face. She might not forgive you right away, but I know you brother. You won’t give up.
I don’t know where she’ll be. We were supposed to go back to college together, but clearly, that isn’t happening if you’re reading this letter and I’m gone. Find her, watch over her, take care of her, and be there for her when I couldn’t be.
I love you, Big Brother, more than you know. Please patch things up with Mom and Dad. Make them realize that it was me who pushed you to be the best you could be. That I knew you were more than just a small town man. You had big things to do in this world, and I wanted to make sure you didn’t waste time on making them happen. Take care man, and know I’ll be watching over you too.
Jase
I looked up and imagined he was looking down on me, and quietly told him the words he’d want to hear. “Anything for you, little brother. I’ll make sure she’s okay.” I folded the letter back up and put it with a note to Cassandra from Jason that he’d left for me to give her when the time was right. My stomach pained as I sat and held the letters in my hand. My brother was gone. He was truly gone, and this would be the last time I would be able to do anything for him. I wouldn’t let him down.
