by B. A. Wolfe
My heart raced.
There was no doubt I had loved Cassie for a while now, but hearing her say it to me? That was something that could never be taken away. Padding her tears away, I mentally etched those words into my heart, where they would be kept safe forever. “I love you too, Cassie,” I murmured back.
“We’ll be back soon,” Mel assured me as Cassie slowly eased her hand from my waist, and slid down, off the bed. She stood with her belly pressed against the mattress, our hands refusing to let go, our eyes locked.
“I’ll see you soon,” Cassie promised, squeezing my hand as if she were trying to force her words into my skin, so they’d soak through and we’d both believe them.
“Yes, you will.”
On a deep inhale, she let go. Her clammy fingers slowly slipped through mine and as our fingertips brushed for the last time in that moment, I told myself it wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be, because nothing about this was okay. She glanced over at me with sadness, and I forced a smile as she clasped a hand over her mouth and caged herself into Melanie. Three steps. Three short steps was all it took for her to leave my room. One last glimpse of her blonde hair and that was it.
She was gone.
She was really gone.
I gasped. The air pulled from my lungs as excruciating pain stung behind my already damp eyes. The blinds were open, the room was still white, but it might as well have been night. The room grew darker as the seconds passed. As if the clouds that had once parted for Cassie and me, allowing us warmth, returned with vengeance, yielding nothing but coldness because she wasn’t around. All my sunshine had left, evaporated, vanished. And it wasn’t just a ray, it was the entire sun. It was as if it didn’t exist at all.
I never imagined it would hurt this bad. Like the aftermath of a tornado, observing the damage. Watching her walk out of my room, not knowing when she’d be back.
Moose’s boots shuffled against the tile as he approached. “Sorry, man.”
The word sorry wasn’t big enough. Unable to speak, I gritted my teeth, compelling myself not to cry.
“You gonna be okay?”
“I hope so.” What if I wasn’t?
“Man, you’ve already had this surgery before. You got this. Don’t even worry.” His hand gripped my shoulder tightly, a huge Moose grin on his face.
He was right about that, but it wasn’t what I was talking about. I shrugged, guilt telling me that I was being selfish, but all I wanted were those golden eyes and warm smiles back. “You know what I mean.”
Moose nodded. “Yeah.” He pointed his thumb behind him. “Do you want me to call her back? Lie for you that you’re crying non stop and she needs to get here right away to comfort you?” His chuckle had my lips tugging upward.
“Nah. You already broke her gasket for me. I’ll be all right.” And I would. This too shall pass. But there was something I had to do.
“I’m here, ya know?” I cocked a brow at him. “I mean, I’m here for you too. I know I’m not blonde and pretty, but I like to think I’m a good catch.”
I chuckled. “We getting all mushy right now?”
“Me?” He waved a dismissive hand. “Never.”
“Do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
I pointed to my bag on the chair. “Get me my pen and notepad?”
He rushed over, grabbed what I needed, and set it on my lap.
“Give me a few?” I eyed him with an arched brow.
His mouth curved to the side. “Anything you need. I’ll be back.”
“Hey, Moose?”
He turned as he got to the door. “Yeah?”
I smiled. “Thank you, for being an awesome best friend.” I wasn’t sure if I told him enough, but that man right there was one helluva guy.
“Right back at ya’.” He tapped the door frame. “Now write so I can come back in and we can talk about Melanie and Cassie. No more of this tampon talk, ‘k?”
I chuckled. “Deal.”
He stepped out of the room and the walls instantly started caving in, my heart pounding. A huge knot coiled in my stomach as I stared at the blank, lined page. Why was this so hard? Because this wasn’t a normal letter. This one was life changing. It was a letter you wrote in case things didn’t go as planned. In case your world ended and you never get another chance to say the things you needed to, you had to. Final words. I closed my eyes, pinching them tight.
Goddamn, these types of letters shouldn’t even be allowed. It’s like messing with fate, messing with the way life was supposed to turn out.
How was I supposed to write this? When Cassie left, I panicked. It was hard to breathe, hard to think. I always thought she was mine, that I’d get her to myself, but the reality was, I couldn’t. She wasn’t mine. She belonged to so many people. She had a family, and would be having a baby, and then there was me . . .
It was a place I never wanted to go to, a thought I never wanted to think, but as she left my room the ache squeezing my heart wouldn’t stop. What if things didn’t go as planned today? What if something happened to me and that hat was all she had left and my memories were all I had to hang onto?
Stop. Stop thinking this.
But I couldn’t.
I curled my fingers around the pen and gripped it as I thought about our last words.
She told me she loved me.
Green light.
I laid my head on the pillow. Nothing about this was right. In all honesty, it was fucked up. But I had to write these letters. I had to tell her goodbye the only way I knew how. There was a weird sense of urgency, of something inside me demanding I do this. Maybe it was because this surgery was different. Batman wasn’t next to me and Cassie was in my life. I’m alone, and I have a special someone in my life that deserves closure if something were to happen. I had to tie up loose ends.
I also had to know she would be taken care of. That someone, very special to me. would be there to watch out for her. Someone that I wished could’ve met her, because he’d have seen just what I was talking about in all my letters to him. It was a request the size of the earth, but I knew Dan wouldn’t let me down. I knew if something happened to me, here today, that he would watch out for my sweetheart. He’d do it because for some reason he was the only person that would get it, once he met her. And I trusted him with her, I knew he’d take care of her.
A tear silently rolled down my cheek.
It wasn’t the end, just merely a precaution. Right?
If that was the case, why was I having such a hard time putting my words on paper?
Nerves coursed down my arms and my pen fell from my grip. Running a firm hand down my face, I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could say goodbye like that. What was I thinking?
That if something happens, she deserves a life after love. And I was the guy who would make sure it happened for her. And a small part of me saw that there could be something between my brother and Cassie.
But she’s mine.
What if she can’t be yours forever? Do you want her to be alone? Raising a baby without the help of someone you trust?
I couldn’t handle the mental image of Cassie all alone, with no one but absentee parents, trying to care for a baby by herself.
I’ll write these, for you, Cassie. For the girl who stole my heart, who gave me everything I ever needed. And in return, I’ll make sure you’ll never have to be alone and that someone will be around to give you everything you need. A shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with, and arms to hold you when you need to feel the warmth of a hug. I’ll give you that, because it’s everything you deserve.
As the tears continued to stream down, I took the pen in my fingers and forced a grip, pressed the tip to the paper and started the first of three letters.
I thought sitting in this bed, waiting for surgery was hard. I had no clue how painful it was to write a letter this heavy, this heartfelt, and this final.
I’ll always love you, sweetheart. I hope you know I’m only doing this
because I love you. And love runs deeper than just physical. It’s not full of jealousy or regrets. True love is when another person’s happiness is greater than your own.
***
“No.” Mom set the letter in her lap and shook her head, tears lining her lower lids.
“Mom, I need you. This is something you have to do for me. Please,” I begged as she sat in the chair next to my bed, legs crossed, staring unabashedly at the single letter I wrote to both my brother and girlfriend. “It wasn’t easy, okay?”
“Jason, I don’t understand.” She choked back a sob. “But you’re saying goodbye? Why are you saying goodbye?” Her hand flew to her mouth, twin rivers of tears trailing down her cheeks.
She couldn’t meet my stare. “You think I want to write something so morbid?” I swallowed, roughing a hand down my own splotchy face. “This wasn’t easy. I don’t want to say g-goodby . . .” the rest of the word lodged in my throat. “But I had to do this. I had to make sure things fell into place if things didn’t go—”
“P-please don’t say it,” she interrupted, crying harder, her head shaking, her lips pressed together. And for the first time in my life, I was grateful I didn’t have to say it. I wasn’t sure I had it in me.
I fisted my hands in my lap. “You have to trust me,” I pleaded, fighting my own sobs.
“I don’t . . . like it.”
Me either. “You don’t have to. I just need you to do me that favor if something—”
“Jason . . .” My heart pierced with her disbelieving tone. I broke her. I hurt my mom on the worst day possible.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks. We weren’t supposed to cry today. I told myself I’d avoid this. But seeing my mom cry, seeing the pain veil her brown irises killed me. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re my baby.” Her voice was thick with emotion, each word cracking on its way out. “How do you think this makes me feel?”
“I’m just trying to take care of a few things.”
“Please, no more.” She held her hand up, her other covering her chest. “I can’t do this right now.”
I didn’t think I could either, but it was done. The other two letters, one for Dan and another for Cassie, rested beside me. “I won’t mention another word. I just need to know you can give this letter to Dan and Cassie if the time comes.”
She dropped her chin to her chest and gave a slight nod as she sobbed. Her shoulders shook and tears dripped from her face.
“Mom?” Her head lifted, her pained stare meeting mine. “I love you.”
She sniffled, wiping her cheeks. “Everything’s going to be okay.” I wasn’t sure who she was trying to reassure. Standing, she inched toward the bed, letter in hand. “I’ll do what you’re asking. I don’t like it, but you’re my baby, and you know I’d do anything for you.” I smiled a grave smile. It hurts me too, Mom. She pressed her lips to my forehead. “I love you, Sweetie. And everything really will be okay. I hope you know that.”
I nodded.
***
“It’s time,” a younger nurse announced. She strolled into the room and slowly approached me, my hands now reaching for the sheets at my sides, clutching onto the rough cotton.
“Already?” I asked, blinking as two more nurses waltzed into the room.
I glanced at the chair my mom still sat in; alarm filled her eyes as she met my stare.
Time. It always seemed there wasn’t enough of it.
“Yes. The doctor’s ready for you.” Her chipper voice did nothing to calm my racing heart.
I nodded in acknowledgment, a million feelings rushing through me all at once. Acceptance, regret, longing, joy, fear, but the biggest, I missed her . . . Cassie.
“Can I have a minute please?” My mom’s voice cracked as she stood.
“Of course, ma’am.” The nurse flashed a knowing smile and left the room.
“You’re okay?” Mom asked, searching for some sign that I wasn’t all right, that we needed to cancel the surgery.
With my throat tightening around my words, I only nodded.
Mom’s soft fingers brushed down my cheek, her lips bowing, but the way she swallowed I could tell she was forcing it. “It’ll be done before you know it, and I’ll be waiting for you when you’re out of recovery.” I sighed, my gaze drifting to my lap. “We’ll all be waiting for you,” she added and my chest constricted. Everyone but the two people I really needed here.
Dan. Cassie. Batman and my girlfriend.
“I know you need her.” Mom had no idea how much. She couldn’t.
“So much, Mom.”
“Oh, sweetie.”
My entire body missed her. My heart wasn’t even the same without her next to me.
Love was a force, one that I had no clue the power it possessed or, the strength it held over a single beating heart until I met Cassie. It was consuming, life changing, and made me feel more alive than I ever thought. But in some ways like this moment, right here, right now, it was painful. The way it took hold of my heart, my soul, and flooded it with passion. Passion I couldn’t do a thing about, making me want to break free from its hold, yet stay prisoner to it so I felt something, anything. So I could feel alive.
The only thing getting me through this intense time was the future I knew I’d get to have with her.
I closed my eyes, and pictured her cute grin staring back at me. Her soaking me in like she was taking a mental picture to keep forever. Her voice telling me that she couldn’t wait to play another game when I got out.
I peeled my lids opened and smiled. “I’ll be okay. Mom. She’s where she needs to be right now, but I know in some way, she’s here with me.” I patted my chest, my heart slowing down. Thanks, sweetheart.
My mom pressed her lips to my cheek and hugged me as best she could given all the contraptions I was hooked up to, a few tears landing on my shoulder as she pulled away. “I love you.”
More tears rolled down her face and I took her trembling hand in mine. “I love you too, Mom.”
“Good luck, son.” My dad’s low voice got my attention. He appeared next to my mom and wrapped a shaky hand around her arm.
“Thanks, Dad.” His smile was weak, but I knew the struggle he fought inside. It tore me up knowing he still blamed himself, his family. I grabbed his hand and held both of my parents in my steady hold. “We’ll see you soon.”
“Soon,” I assured them both.
My mom nodded, wiping the sorrow from her chin.
One last squeeze of their hands before the nurses raised the bed rails, and said, “It’s time. We really have to get going.”
I fought to swallow the grapefruit lodged in my throat as they wheeled me out of the room and past the door before they stopped.
They were giving me more time. No matter how short or long, it was still more than I would have had. On instinct, I searched for Cassie, but she wasn’t there; she couldn’t give me one last happy grin before I headed back. Instead, my parents along with Moose stood at the end of the short hall, their expressions anxious and full of sweet sorrow. I lifted a tired hand and waved to my family, taking a mental picture. My family.
My mom fought her tears, my dad dipped his head, and Moose flashed a weak smile and nodded. If Cassie were there she’d be clutching on to Melanie, braving a face so happy I’d have no choice but to smile back at her, giving me the extra dose of courage I silently begged for.
I craned my neck as the nurses turned my bed, trying to keep my line of vision on them as long as possible as they carted me in the opposite direction as my family.
No, not yet. One more minute . . .
But the bed kept moving and moving, not once stopping. My chest pinched as their comforting faces were no longer in sight, my neck sore from glancing behind me as long as I could. And now, white walls, and a set of double doors were the only things in front of me, not consoling at all.
I gripped the bed sheets as tightly as my tired hands would allow. There was never anything easy
about being hauled away from your family and loved ones, only to be surrounded by those that only know you as a body, needing to be repaired. The doctors and nurses knew my name, but did they know that even though I was broken on the inside, on the outside I was a twenty-two year old guy, that loved to be outside, eat cheeseburgers, and write letters.
Did they know that about me? That I was still young and this was my third chance at a future? That the thought of turning thirty, and then forty, and eventually fifty made me smile, knowing I’d get to cross those milestones. Did they know that?
Hands invaded my body as they stopped my bed in the middle of a stark, blinding-white room. Lights, monitors, and metal tables were everywhere. My heart rate spiked.
A small hand warmed my shoulder, easing a little of my panic. “We’re just getting you hooked up, don’t mind us, okay?” An older face peered down at me, crinkles around her eyes as she smiled.
I blinked, unsure of what to say, trying to find my calm place.
“Tell me, Jason, what are you going to do when you get out of here?” She stayed with me as others continued prepping.
“C-college,” I answered, my voice trying to be strong.
“And what about after college?” Another question, and I was grateful for the distraction. My mind automatically went to a certain someone in a pretty white dress.
“Get married . . .” I took a breath, picturing Cassie’s baby bump. “Have kids.” They were big dreams, but I allowed myself the permission to have them this time.
“That’s a great plan.” Her lips curved higher. “Okay, Jason, we’re about to get started. Are you ready?”
Already? My anxiety weighed my chest down as I fought to suck in as much oxygen as I could.
“Are you ready?” she asked, her voice low and soothing.
I nodded, knowing I’d been waiting for this moment, but suddenly unsure of it all as her hand left my shoulder and the monitors beeped loudly. Hands were everywhere, attaching more things I couldn’t see to my heaving chest.
“Okay, here we go . . . just breathe this in slowly.” My heart pounded harder as a clear mask snuggled up to my nose and mouth, the sound of gas hissing at my face. These memories seemed different when I was just a kid. They didn’t seem as real, or as frightening. It’s as if the older you get, the more realistic you became. I inhaled deeply, nerves still coursing through me. I didn’t remember it taking this long to affect me last time. “Now count backward from one hundred for me, Jason.”
