by B. A. Wolfe
ONE LAST LOOK AT Jason’s name on the stone in front of me and I knew instantly this weekend would be even harder to bear than I thought. “I need a sign. Please, just send me a sign.” The last of my tears trickled down, collecting on the ground. “I love you, Jase. Green light forever.”
After visiting his grave for the first time in a year, saying goodbye all over again was take-my-breath-away hard. Could I even do this? Could I be the Cassandra they all knew a year ago, before I took off at Jason’s burial and cut myself out of everyone’s lives?
I made my way to the car and sat in the driver’s seat.
Moose peered at me with worry in his eyes. “How was it?”
“Hard,” I said, short and simple. There wasn’t a word or sentence in the world that could accurately describe how that experience felt, other than hard.
He frowned as he gripped his hands together in his lap. “My first time was too.”
With that, he cranked the radio up louder than normal and we left. I appreciated the gesture. Unfortunately, Luke Bryan singing about horrible news and drinking a beer while watching the sunset poured through the speakers. The lyrics weren’t just grabbing me, they held me captive. By the way Moose was staring ahead too—barely blinking—I guessed he felt it too. Thanks a lot, Luke.
Ten minutes later we pulled up to the Bradley’s. We had dropped Jase off there before we went to the cemetery, and the second I saw Jason’s mom Trish, something felt off. She was still Trish, but I understood from the emptiness in her eyes and her stiff body language that not visiting her sooner had hurt her. But my mind was so focused on seeing Jason’s grave that I didn’t take the time earlier to tell her how sorry I was.
Now was my chance.
My heart weighed about fifty pounds as I got out of the car and dragged each heavy limb to the house. Moose pushed the front door open and we stepped inside, standing quietly in the front room. Within seconds, Bart and Trish appeared before us. Jase was still in the same place as when we left: her arms.
“Hey, Trish. Bart.” Moose nodded.
They returned his greeting and then their eyes shifted to the very spot where I stood.
“Hi,” I said sheepishly. I waved, pools forming in my eyes as I watched their faces form small smiles. “I know I already told you, but th-thank you again for letting me back in your home this weekend.” Moose had told me Trish wouldn’t allow me to stay anywhere else. She insisted. Moose said she really missed me.
Trish’s hand caressed Jase’s head as she closed her eyes for a brief moment. I’d broken her heart. Not only did she lose a son, but I’d bailed on her too. She took me in when I needed it the most. And in return, I left her to grieve without any support from my end. What kind of a person was I?
Bart, looking a little rougher around the edges, closed the distance between us. His arm draped over my shoulder and I loved the familiar feeling. “How was it?” His husky voice vibrated against me. I knew what he was talking about . . . visiting Jason’s grave.
“Hard,” I whispered.
His voice broke as he said, “It’s never easy.” His body stiffened as he removed his arm. “And don’t forget . . . you’re always welcome here, darlin’.”
I flashed a grateful smile. “Thank you, Bart. That means a lot.”
Moose cleared his throat. “You ready, Mr. B? We need to head to the shop now to get that issue cleared up.”
I looked back at Moose. He shot me a wink. He knew I needed a moment alone with Trish.
Before I knew it, Trish, Jase, and I were alone, in silence.
“Has he been okay for you?” I asked, heading toward her.
Trish stared down at my precious baby, and wrinkles formed at the corners of her eyes. “He’s been absolutely perfect.” She smiled at Jase the way she used to smile at me. “Sweet baby, thanks for letting Trish hold you,” she whispered softly before turning toward me. “He’s so calm and quiet.”
I rolled my eyes playfully. “You haven’t seen him at bedtime.”
The tension in the room would have been noticeable, even to a bystander. “Here’s your mommy, Jase.” Her lips quivered as she peered at me. “I really do love his name, Cassandra.” Tears welled in her eyes. My heart crumbled a bit more. “Trish loves you.” She placed a tender kiss on his petite forehead before she handed Jase to me.
It was during that moment that my chest throbbed and a feeling of regret washed over me. This woman had a heart of gold. It was the first time she got to see and hold the baby who she helped me decide to keep, and she was calling herself Trish to him.
I shook my head. “No. Please, can he call you Nana? He doesn’t have one, and he . . .” I blinked back the tears welling in my eyes. An annoying lump formed in my throat. “He could really use one.”
The longer she took to speak, the more my eyes burned. She sniffled as she gazed down at the carpet. I had to undo my wrongs. It was now or never to right my selfish behavior. “One more thing,” I blurted out, my voice shaking as if I were about to give a speech in front of thousands.
She hesitantly looked up and her glassy eyes met mine. “What’s that?”
“I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry I left you and never called. I should’ve been here. I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know. I’ve missed this house, the comfort of a family—I’ve missed it all. And most of all . . . you guys.” I was making things right the best way I could, but I should’ve done it months ago. I shouldn’t have let my anger get the best of me and keep me away from the Bradleys. Tears landed steadily on the blanket cocooning Jase.
“We know why you did it. Moose explained how difficult this has been on you.” A gentle hand found my arm and my eyes lifted to meet her soft, honey brown gaze. “But don’t ever leave me again, you hear? This house hasn’t been the same since Jason passed, and then never hearing from you was excruciating. You have a home here, always. Please remember that.”
“This has to be so hard on you and Bart. I couldn’t even imagine.” I wiped the tears away. “I’m so sorry, Trish. I really am.”
“It . . . has been,” she said with a break in her voice. “I’ve missed you so much, sweetie.”
A sigh of relief escaped us both as we moved in for a hug, careful not to squish Jase.
“Thank you,” I whispered, my lips wet from my tears.
“Thank you for coming back,” she responded just as quietly.
She inched back. A familiar smile flashed across her face and her honey eyes took their light hue again. She swiped away a few tears of her own.
“Now, come back to Nana, Jase,” Trish scooped Jase back into her welcoming arms. “Nana Trish needs more time with you, sweet little boy.” She mouthed the words thank you to me.
It wasn’t hard to watch the two of them and wish it were my own mother cradling my baby in her arms, calling herself Nana. But that was unlikely to happen in my lifetime.
“No Melanie?” Trish asked.
“Sadly, no.” I could have elaborated, knowing Trish would understand or say something helpful, as always, but there was no point. I’d pissed off my friend, found it in me to apologize, and yet I was still the bad guy. Pleasing people was getting harder, the older I got.
“Maybe next time.” Her soft voice echoed through me. She knew I needed to hear those words. She would always know . . . she was a mother. A maternal fortuneteller.
“I hope so,” I replied, truly hoping that she would come down next time. But I couldn’t engross myself in all things Mel, either. Life wasn’t just about our duo anymore. She’d understand someday.
“All right, I need to know everything. What have you been up to?” She sat on the floral printed couch, patted the spot next to her, and shifted Jase in her arms.
It was incredible how she could make me feel as though things were back to normal just like that. I had a feeling this was how true family made you feel. They always welcomed you back.
“Not much,” I said. I sat next to her and brought my legs underneath me.
“Life’s been chaotic, and honestly, I’m lucky if I remember what day of the week it is.”
Her laugh startled me. “That’s completely normal. You’re a new mom with little to no help. I think you’re doing just fine.” She gave Jase a little bounce in her arms.
“Thank you. It means a lot.”
“School? Work?” A grin that had me sensing déjà vu played on her lips.
“School, yes. I enrolled at the Metropolitan State College of Denver. I’m taking writing courses.” I was proud of myself and saying it out loud confirmed it. “I picked up a job at the school paper. I’m the assistant to our advertising manager, and they also gave me my own article section. I’m able to work from my apartment and it pays the bills. Can’t complain, and it’s also enjoyable.”
“It sounds like things are going in the right direction. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
“It’s a step in the right direction,” I said, mentally analyzing all the steps I had yet to take.
“Yes, it is. So, I had Bart put your things downstairs earlier. Would you like me to hold Jase while you unpack?”
I had to recap her sentence twice before it hit me. “Down-downstairs?” My voice trembled with unease.
Her hand rested on my bouncing leg, my nerves on display. “I know it isn’t easy. Believe me, I know.” She sniffled. “But . . . I also know that he’d want it that way, Cassandra.” Her frail voice spoke softly as she held my knee a little tighter.
Did I want it that way? Could I handle going down to Jase’s room, let alone sleeping there?
“I-I can’t.” I closed my eyes and dropped my head. Visions emerged of Jason’s face as he lay in the hospital, his lids shut, and his arms lifeless by his side. My throat began to close. It was too much. “No. No. I can’t.”
I hid my face and jerked my head back and forth. I couldn’t believe I was reacting this way. I’d spoken to his grave only an hour ago, and here I was having a meltdown at the mere thought of sleeping in his room. The weight of her hand left my knee and within seconds it was caressing my back. I broke apart, crumbling in my own hands, wetness soaking my palms.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. We’ll get your luggage back up here. I just thought with Jase it would be easier. I have a crib set up for him down there.”
I couldn’t press my hands to my face hard enough, the tears made them far too slippery to block out the world around me.
The front door opened and a couple of deep male voices wafted through the air. Before I even had a chance to un-palm my face and get my act together, Moose was right next to me.
“Cass, look at me,” Moose said, in a playful yet forceful tone.
I sniffled back my sadness. If I didn’t do as he asked, he’d find a way to make me look. I slowly exposed my face, my hands falling to my lap as I gazed forward.
A quick jab to my side pushed me that little bit further. I peeked up at Moose through blurry eyes and couldn’t help but smile. His snarky grin was contagious.
“Atta girl,” he said.
“Uh oh. What’s going on, ladies?” Bart’s husky voice asked from behind the couch.
“Just girl stuff, honey,” she told her husband, waving a hand in the air. “You boys get the shop squared away?”
“Sure did. Dan just got here too. He’s on a phone call out front,” Moose chimed in as he pulled me in for a hug. He dropped his voice. “You okay?”
I nodded.
“Good. I guess you’ll get to meet Dan tonight. I wasn’t expecting him until tomorrow,” Trish said, looking back at Bart. He shrugged and headed toward the kitchen.
Dan, huh? I didn’t know how prepared I was for that meet and greet, but I had to meet Jason’s brother. A lingering question wouldn’t stop flashing at the forefront of my mind. Would Dan look like Jason? A layer of goose bumps ran from my neck down to my arms. Moose must have noticed my newly decorated skin. He rubbed my arm as if trying to warm me up. Not even close, Moose.
Trish waved at her husband. “Oh, Bart, can you get Cassandra’s luggage and bring it up here?”
This was my chance to put on my damn big girl panties. I had to be strong. “No!” I shouted. Jase startled in Trish’s arms and Moose looked at me as if I’d suddenly turned into something that flew a spaceship. “Don’t bring it up. I’ll stay down there. You’re right. He-he’d . . . want it that way.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to,” Moose said. Three sets of concerned eyes were on me, watching and waiting with trepidation.
“Yes. I’m sure.” I hoped my words sounded stronger than my voice. I needed to do this, but needing and wanting weren’t even close to being the same. I guess I’d find out how right or wrong I was.
“Okay, darlin’. I’ll leave your stuff down there,” Bart said, his mouth spreading into a smile as he tipped his head down at me.
I was more than grateful to have them back in my life. I hadn’t realized how much I missed their warmth and understanding.
“I’ll help you unpack,” Moose said, releasing his grip around me. “Let’s go.”
“I’ll keep Jase. There’s a rocking chair down there for you too.” Her eyes saddened as if remembering holding her babies in the same chair.
“You’ve thought of everything. Thank you,” I replied.
At the same moment we lifted off the couch, the front door opened and the tension in the room increased to code red. Trish focused her attention on Jase, and Bart fiddled around in the kitchen. I prepared myself to meet the mysterious brother, but instead, Moose grabbed my hand and led me downstairs.
“I guess I’ll meet Dan later?” I asked as we reached Jase’s door.
“Yeah, let them talk. Or try to, at least. We’ll get you settled, then go say hi,” he said, opening the bedroom door.
Out of body, that was what it felt like. As if I were watching Moose and myself walk through the room, one step at a time. It was an experience unlike any other. My gaze traveled over everything as though it was the first time I saw it, yet I already knew it all by heart. The hats hanging on the wall, the photos on his dresser, and then the couch and closet door were all the same. Moose stared at me, waiting to catch me as I fell to my knees in heartache.
“It’s not going to happen. Not right now, anyway,” I murmured.
He cocked his head. “I’m here when it does.” A small smile formed on his lips.
I inhaled deeply, noticing that Jason’s scent was practically gone as I sat on the edge of his bed atop the red comforter.
“You’re making me do all the unpacking? I don’t think so.” He waved a finger at me.
I stretched my arms over my head and fell back onto the bed. “I just need a minute. It’s different, you know? I need to get used to it. I feel like he’s going to walk through that door any minute, and I know that’s not the case. Let me just soak this in, okay?” I sniffled back my unshed tears and stared at the ceiling.
In typical Moose fashion, he plopped down next to me and within seconds our heads were side by side as we lay there together.
“Has Mel called?” His voice broke the silence and the continuous stream of Jason running through my mind.
“No. Not yet. She’s sulking. It’s normal.”
“Girls. You’re a complicated species.” He tickled my ribs, causing me to giggle.
I knew what he was doing. He was trying to ease my drifting thoughts and lighten the mood. I was thankful, but at the same time, I needed to learn how to be in this room without being stabbed in the heart. “Moose. You’re a complicated animal,” I teased back. I gave into his attempt to lighten the tense vibes. “All right, let’s finish. I’ve soaked in enough for today.”
“About damn time. It’s only been twenty flippin’ minutes. You ladies always take your sweet time with everything.” He gripped my hand to help me up.
Standing inches in front of him, I shook my head. “Patience is a virtue which you do not have.”
“Again with the fortune cookie talk
. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Twenty minutes, an empty suitcase, and a flustered Moose later, we headed upstairs and were greeted by Trish, chopping vegetables in the kitchen.
“I just gave Jase a bottle and then put him in the swing,” she said, reaching past me to grab a pan out of the cabinet.
“A swing?”
“It used to be . . . Jason’s.” She blinked a few times. “He seems to like it. Go see.” Trish nudged her head toward the living room.
My heart melted as I watched the swing rock Jase back and forth. I hovered over him and another smile spread across my face. His curious eyes hadn’t left the animal figures that danced from the top. “Do you like this, honey?” I asked as if he were going to answer back. He didn’t, but instead his little lips tugged up and gave me the only answer I needed; a smile.
“Dinner will be done in about an hour,” Trish shouted from the kitchen. I gave her my okay and offered to help, only to hear her tell me no in return. Typical Trish.
“You staying, Moose?” Trish asked.
“No, ma’am. I need to get back home. I’m gonna say ‘bye to Dan. Where is he?”
Her eyes dropped to the floor. “The spare bedroom,” she answered, short and quick.
***
Minutes later, the door from the spare bedroom closed and two male voices rattled down the hall. My heart pounded and the anticipation inside me was at an all-time high. Any moment, Dan would come around that corner. I wasn’t sure what to expect and that scared me the most. Would he be the same caring guy as his brother?
A familiar voice had my ears tingling.
“Sounds good, Moose. How about we switch out the peach quilt on the bed, Mom? Do we have the blue one still?” His voice radiated through the room as he entered.
I lifted my head and stole my first glance. Immediately, my lungs stopped working and my eyes refused to blink. I covered my gaping mouth as I rose from the floor. His eyes found mine and remained, unblinking. What was Aidan doing here? And why did it seem as though they knew him? As if he was a member of the family. And how did Moose know him? What in the hell was going on?
Moose stepped toward my frozen body, Aidan following close behind him. “Cass, this is Dan. Dan, this is Cass. Or, I guess, Cassandra,” Moose said, gesturing with his hands. He stood between us, waiting as we both stared. Not in a contest, not waiting for the other to blink, but in curiosity, question, and disbelief.
