by B. A. Wolfe
“Why not?” Trish asked, sounding hurt. She didn’t have a clue. She sat there as if we didn’t know what was going on. There was only one way to tell if what Chuck said was true. Bart would have a port just like Jase did. I looked at Aidan. His lips pressed into a firm line, his jaw ticking, his eyes burning into the Scrabble board. His face was about to break me completely apart. I took a deep breath and walked around the table. Bart’s eyes widened as I took his arm in my hands. I nudged his sleeve up his forearm and shook my head. Two dialysis ports that looked just like Jason’s stared back at me. My heart jumped into my throat. My eyes refused to look anywhere but his forearm. He ripped his arm from my hands and lowered his sleeve.
“You’re sick. It’s true.” I gripped my mid section and held myself as if every organ were about to fall out. My eyes ping ponged between Trish and Bart. A guilty expression masked their faces. Aidan’s silence stabbed my heart repeatedly. He stood there, pale from his forehead to his chin. His jaw muscles clenched as he shot daggers across the room.
“Goddamn it!” Aidan approached the table, his eyes dark as night. “How could you keep this from me? How?” he demanded, deep anger lacing his words. His hand reached the table and with a mean flick of his wrist the board was airborne and all the tiles soaring with it.
“Aidan!” Trish shouted. I ducked, tucking in my shoulders as the pieces showered down, slapping us all one by one. The deafening slam of the door crushed my heart. Aidan was gone.
We lie to protect the ones we love.
Oh, God. I looked down at Trish. Tears flooded her eyes and streamed down her face. Bart shook his head. My heart had been through plenty, but this took the whole fucking cake.
This amazing family had already been through so much, and now this? I didn’t know what to do. My eyes and heart searched frantically for a sign, for anything. Tiles blanketed the floor like fallen leaves. Staring at them a stream of consciousness flowed out of me. It was clear as day. Two letters inches apart that meant more to me than any of the others lay by my feet. An X and an O.
As if a sign from above, I got the message loud and clear. “I have to go after him, Trish.”
She nodded silently.
Like a flash of lightning that struck with determination, I was out of that house and running with all I had in me. I didn’t have a clue where he went, so I went with my gut and veered left. There are things in life that are majestic and unexplainable. Like the feeling of something touching you but there’s nothing around. Call it fate, a loved one reaching out, or even fortitude, but something guided me along in this path.
Ten minutes or so later I stood in front of the library. I raced to the back door, the one I once snuck through with Jason. With trembling hands, I opened the door. I crossed the threshold and halted, my heart weighted. I hadn’t been in there since Jason.
I stood motionless in the room, feeling that all too familiar pull on my chest. I closed my eyes and my own personal movie played. Jason with a grin strutted toward me, drenched from the rain, carrying a lit candle. I put a hand to my tight chest, and opened my eyes. As if someone hit the stop button, the movie disappeared. In front of me instead was an empty room with a desk and a table. Jason and his candle were nowhere to be seen. I let out a relieved sigh and continued down the hallway, looking around as though I were seeing it for the first time. I saw no one. I was beginning to think I was off base, that Aidan wasn’t here after all. I was prepared to give up and check elsewhere when I heard an angry shout from the front of the building. I went to the lobby and heard the voice again, this time from behind a closed door. I gripped the cold metal knob with my shaking hand, twisted it, and pulled it open.
The room looked like an old office. Abandoned items were strewn all across it—old, dusty machinery, papers, and scattered books littered every surface. And leaned up against one wall, knees tucked into him and his head in his hands . . . was Aidan.
My heart broke instantly.
He lifted his head as I entered, his eyes wet and red with pain. There’s something especially agonizing about seeing a man cry. Knowing that emotion isn’t something normally worn on his sleeve, so that when he does cry, it takes your heart and just shreds it to pieces.
I was shredded.
“I’m here, Aidan. I’m here.” I rushed to his side, curling up next to him. My arms barely covered his larger frame, but I held him with all I had. “I’ve got you.” It was what he always told me, and damn if I didn’t love it when he did. He needed to hear it from me, though. He always had me; this time I had him.
“This disease is tearing my family apart.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear him. “I already lost my brother and now what’s next? I can’t lose my dad, Cassie. I can’t.” He choked back his last words as a few strained tears escaped his eyes.
I released my arms from around him and cupped his wet cheeks with my hands. His sad eyes connected with mine, crushing my soul as I stared at the pain he held in them. “I can’t do it again. I c-can’t.”
“It’s okay to cry, Aidan. It’s okay to be sad and hurt. Just let it out.”
“I don’t want to cry anymore, Cassie. I don’t want to feel that type of pain ever again. I’d rather die than feel it.”
Heartache poured out of my eyes as his words seeped through me. He was still so broken, so shattered. “You never let yourself cry, Aidan. You can’t bottle it up. You have to release the pain.”
He shook his head that I still held between my hands. “Men don’t get the luxury of showing weakness. I let the pain out for three days and I don’t think I have it in me to let it out again.”
“I only knew Jase a short while, but you knew him your whole life. That’s worth more than three days. Let every memory bleed through you. Let it break you apart, tear you like your skin’s being ripped from your body. Just let it out. Grieve.”
His shoulders gave and his head slipped from my hands. “I can’t do this again. Damn it!” he cried out. I circled my arms around his strong, fragile body and rested his head on my chest as he broke apart on me. “That’s it. Just cry. You lost a brother, it’s okay to cry, Aidan.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. We were a pair of crying, grieving people who had nowhere else to be but in that office doing what we were doing. He needed this. He needed me, and I’d never let him down.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t. Everything’s so messed up.”
“Shhh,” I whispered as I rocked us. “Don’t think like that. It’ll all work itself out. Everything will be just fine.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed as I sat and held Aidan. The sun had set outside the office window. He sucked in a deep breath and rustled away from my hold. His cheeks were splotchy but clean of any tears. I sent him a small smile as he sat up and leaned against the wall. He mouthed the words ‘thank you’ and I mouthed ‘you’re welcome’ back to him. I crawled next to him and leaned against his shoulder.
“We need to go back,” I muttered.
“I know.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tugged me closer. “In a minute.”
Forty-Six
Cassandra
AIDAN AND I STROLLED hand in hand back to his house. My erratic heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. With each step that took us closer, the beats grew louder and louder. My chest ached, my stomach pained, and my nerves were almost shot.
Once we reached the house, Aidan sucked in a deep breath and opened the door. Trish’s cries and Bart’s comforting words emanated off the walls. I pulled a saddened Aidan behind me and followed their voices to the kitchen. Trish was seated at the table with her shoulders slouched and her head in her hands; Bart sat close beside her, rubbing her back. I tugged Aidan’s stiff body to the chair next to his mom, forcing him to sit. The red in his eyes returned. I lowered into the chair next to him and took his hand in mine.
Trish’s head lifted, her irises barely noticeable as she peered at Aidan and then at me.
“How long?” Aidan’s small voice bro
ke the silence. “Please. How long have you kept this from me?” He squeezed my hand without hesitation.
Bart’s eyes peered into Aidan’s. “About seven months.”
A loud breath escaped between Aidan’s lips. “Why? How could you—?”
“Because we were scared.” Trish shook her head as if she were upset with herself. “We didn’t know how to say it. We hoped by not saying anything we could pretend it wasn’t really happening to us, to our family again.”
Aidan swept a hand over his face. “What’s going to happen?”
“We wait until a kidney comes along. He’s on the list, but . . .” Trish paused and turned her stare to Bart.
“But, what?” I asked impatiently.
“I’m pretty far down the list. It’s unlikely I’ll be getting one anytime soon. In the meantime I stay on dialysis.” Bart spoke the last word through clenched teeth. My heartstrings pulled tight as I pictured him sitting there hooked to a machine to survive, just as Jason had been. I covered my mouth with my hand as I processed it all. The room was somber, grim, and bleak. It was beginning to suck the life out of everyone.
The Bradleys were the family I never had. The family I always dreamed of being a part of and they were falling apart. They were broken and all I wanted to do was hold them all together. I couldn’t bear to watch them like this.
“Bart?” I asked with a little voice. Three heads shot up and three sets of eyes pinned me to my chair. The world shifted to the very spot where I sat as my eyes flickered between them all. “I want to get tested to see if I’m a match. I want to give you one of my kidneys.” I released a sigh of relief. It was the easiest thing to say, the only thing I could give them, and the feeling in my heart knew it was more than right.
“Cassandra.” Bart’s lips quivered as he said my name. His facial expression was that of shock and awe.
“Y-you would do that?” Trish’s voice broke as she spoke.
Tears escaped my eyes. My heart swelled at the feeling of doing something so amazing for this family. “In a heartbeat.”
Aidan’s hand released mine. His features had changed from sad to angry in a matter of seconds.
“Abso-fucking-lutely not. No. The answer is no. You can’t do that.” His voice was beyond angry. His chair scraped against the floor as he pushed back and paced, doing what Jase always said he did.
“Dan, why are you so angry?” Trish asked in a cautious tone.
He continued to pace, his hand threading through his hair repeatedly. “None of you get it, do you?” Those were the last words spoken before he then stalked off down the hallway. I flinched at the sound of a door slamming.
A warm hand blanketed mine. I peered up at Trish and then at Bart. Their eyes appeared so grateful. “What you’re offering is more than either of us could ask, but you don’t have to do this.”
I lay my hand over hers. My thoughts were never so clear. “I couldn’t do this for Jason and now I know why. I couldn’t save him, but maybe I can save Bart. I want to help. Please let me.”
“We’ll never be able to repay you for this darlin’.” His voice quivered as he spoke, his eyes red and glossed over.
I smiled through my tears. “You already have—in so many ways. This is what a family does, right? They come together and help when someone needs it.”
Tears streamed steadily down both their faces. Nothing else was said as we sat at the table, my hands held in Trish’s.
I wish I could’ve said Aidan rejoined us and I wish I had the courage to talk to him, but I didn’t. I gave him his space, knowing that I would have to fight him on this tomorrow. I grabbed my sleeping baby from his swing and headed to my room.
***
The next morning was eerily quiet. I didn’t like it. Aidan’s room was empty. Trish was at work and Bart was at dialysis, which only made my stomach nauseated. Visions of him sitting there alone broke me. I wanted to go with, but he wouldn’t let me. He was just like his son.
I finished strapping Jase in the jogging stroller I’d left there. It was fall, but today couldn’t have been any nicer; fresh air was a must. I took my time as I pushed Jase down the sidewalk. My first order of business was calling Mel. She answered in a flash and the minute I heard her soft cries through the phone as I told her about Bart, I lost it too. She asked if there was anything she could do and I told her she was already doing it. We chatted for another few minutes before we hung up.
I tucked my phone away and looked up. We were standing in front of the cemetery. My heart sank to the concrete. Why did I take us here? I pushed past my fears and made my way toward the only person I knew in here. As I approached Jason’s grave, the sound of another voice stopped me short. I leaned closer, and as I heard it again, a smile played on my lips. Aidan was here. I quietly pushed the stroller closer to the grave. A part of me knew I was eavesdropping, but the other part didn’t care. There couldn’t be any more secrets between us.
Aidan sat in front of the stone, palming the grass beside him. “She wants to get tested, Jase. Fucking tested. I can’t . . . I won’t let her. She can’t do this to herself.”
I wanted to rush to his side, but I held back and let him finish talking.
“All I can think about is the last surgery. All I can focus on is how I lost you and . . . damn it, Jase! I can’t lose her too. I can’t!”
Oh, God. That’s why. He was worried about the surgery. I should’ve known. Oh, Aidan, I’ll be okay. My legs itched to move forward, to run and hold him, but as I did his next few words froze me in place.
“That’s not even everything. I’ve messed up again, Jase. I really messed up.” His fingers plucked blades of grass, one after the other. My heart accelerated as I waited for him to confess what he messed up on again.
“I quit my job, Jase. I resigned. I was offered a job in Dallas and I took it. I thought I was doing the right thing. Then she found me and told me how much . . . Damn it. I don’t know what she’ll say. She’s going to hate me.”
The sob I held escaped with force. No! He was going to leave. One hand covered my mouth while the other held my stomach. I guess I was wrong to believe we didn’t have any more secrets between us. I peered up and Aidan’s wide eyes found mine.
“How long have you been standing there?” His voice was shaky.
“Long enough,” I cried out. “You’re leaving me?”
In less than two seconds, he was in front of me, circling me with his arms. “I thought you were done with me. It was irrational and stupid. I got an offer and accepted because I thought it’d be what you wanted, for me to leave you alone. I couldn’t be in the same state as you, knowing I couldn’t have you. I thought it would be easier for us both if I took the offer and left.”
I forcefully drew away from him. “No! That’s horrible. What about your parents? Me? You can’t leave.”
He reached for my hands, stealing them from me and not letting go. “I know that now. I know. I’ll figure it out, Cassie. I didn’t mean to keep this from you. I tried to tell you and then all the stuff with my dad went down. I won’t leave you.”
He couldn’t leave me. “Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
My subconscious yelled at me as the look on his face went from concerned to disappointed. I knew what it was like to have someone stand in the way of your dreams; I never wanted to be that person. “Is it a job you want?”
“It’s a better job than the one I have . . . had.” He shook his head. “I’d be the head football coach, but I wouldn’t be teaching on top of it.”
It was what he’d worked for. I couldn’t hold him back. I inhaled, expanding my lungs, releasing my breath slowly. “I’ll go wherever you go, Aidan. I can’t be without you. If you want this job, then I’ll follow you there.”
His brows knit together. “You’d leave Colorado, Denver, Keaton, my parents, Mel and Moose behind for me?”
I couldn’t speak. I only nodded. I didn’t want to. This was Aidan, though. He was my Aid
an. I meant what I signed in his book. Wherever he was is where I would be too. Keaton was truly where I wanted to live, but I’d never be happy if he wasn’t in Keaton with me.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said in a low voice.
“We belong together,” I whispered.
“We do.” He smiled. He knew deep down how right I was. “Which is why we have to talk about something else. I can’t let you get tested. You’re the bravest woman I know for being so willing to do this, but this is major surgery, Cassie.”
“Aidan, why’d you give your kidney to Jase?”
He looked at me as if it was the most absurd question. “Because, he’s my brother. I’d have given any organ he needed to save him.”
“Well, your family has become my own. I’d give any of you one of my organs to save them—yourself included. I wasn’t able to save Jason, but I can try to help save your dad.” He shook his head, his eyes avoiding mine. “You might not agree and that’s okay, but I’m getting tested.”
His angry eyes finally connected with mine, startling me. “Damn it, Cassie. You can’t do this.”
I took his hand, and nodded. “I’m doing this.”
I hated seeing him angry and even more so disliked him being angry with me, but it wasn’t his choice. I wanted to do this.
***
Dan
I stood next to Cassie. Her legs dangled off the edge of the medical bed, while my mom and dad waited outside the door. My heart split at the sight of her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to be their saving grace. She was incredibly brave and I told her that. But my mind wouldn’t stop reminding me about the last surgery that took place in this family, and the amazing soul who now watched us from above because of it.
She reached for my hand and pulled it to her lap, intertwining our fingers. God, she was so nervous. I leaned down, my lips close to her ear and whispered, “You don’t have to do this.”
