"We've never had a fight." I glanced down the hall after Mal and sighed. "I doubt it. He knew I was okay and I summoned everyone when I needed to."
"He's been avoiding me like he used to." Vanessa toyed with my fingers as I gave her stomach a pat.
"Did you do something to him, Nessa? Reject him in some way?" Xany's voice hinted on concern.
Vanessa shook her head. She went to say something but instead, shut down further. Our connection told me she was hurt by his actions in a way I hadn't expected. I had to say something, it just wasn't right for either of them.
"Can you sense him, baby? Like as part of the Pride or something?" I squeezed her knee so that she'd look at me again.
"Not part of the Pride. I sense him regularly," she said.
"Regularly as opposed to decaff-edly?" Gavin's snarky remark had her hissing again.
Xany swatted him. "Be nice. This is bad."
"Stop that. My god, you two are just as bad as Xany and Mal." I shook my head.
"Wait, you're saying that you feel Mal?" Xany tilted her head, her gaze fixed on Vanessa.
"Of course, why?" Vanessa looked between all of us as if we were the ones who had said something unusual. "I feel him through Shawnee."
"Whoa. You got a three-way going? If you feel him then he must be feeling you and Shawnee at the same time. That's gotta be confusing as hell." Xany stared at me as if she expected me to validate this. I nodded.
"How long have you been sensing him, baby?" My heart fluttered a bit and I focused inward, pressing hard against my bond with Mal, urging it open. I wanted him to sense some of this or at least pop in my head so I could tell him what Vanessa said. Maybe if he knew, it wouldn't be so bad.
"Since we've been mates. Is he mad about that?" She looked at me a bit pleadingly. I don't think I've ever seen her care so much about what anyone thought of her or about her. It made sense though. She and Mal grew exponentially closer during our trip to Ireland.
"Wolves aren't made for more than one mate then you add a cat mate, and on top of that both mates are females. No wonder the poor boy's closed off. You've put him in an overload of basically everything." Xany gestured wildly as if saying, "duh."
"We're not mates. I've only one mate bond." Concern flooded Vanessa's features and her fear shot through me like ice in my veins.
"Our bond is fine, baby. Easy." I rubbed the center of my chest. Mal hadn't responded to my outreach but I couldn't help wondering if he noticed it anyway.
"Ness, the way he thinks is that whatever is Shawnee's, is his and he will love and protect that with his life, so in a sense he's mated with both of you. It's not a bad thing. He's just got to get rewired to get a grip on it," said Xany in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
Vanessa held her breath and looked at me. A shimmer of something met her emerald eyes. Her posture stilled and expression flattened. In the past, I would have begged her to not shut down and to keep talking but now, I didn't just understand her panic, I felt it. She looked the same to me as she always had, but feeling it was a different story. Had she always freaked out inside like this? If so, she hid it pretty well.
"You don't want anything else to go wrong, I know, baby. I know." I tugged her hands toward me and a second later, she wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace. For the first time, I think I was able to understand exactly what she wanted me to.
"Make him talk. If he talks it out, he always fixes whatever's wrong." Xany nudged Gavin. "Come on, Gavy, I'll show you to Ana's room."
"But I'm not a hot old guy." Gavin stood, his eyes on his sister. His joke didn't diminish his worry in the least. I nodded to him and kept a hold on Vanessa.
She didn't move, just allowed me to hold her. Mal hadn't responded to my urging, so I did the one thing I knew he couldn't resist; I called to his wolf.
"Hot, yes. Old, no. Besides, Ana sleeps outside. Now come on." Xany tugged him toward the bedroom.
Mal came from down the hall, dripping wet with only a soggy towel around his waist.
"Bad girl. I was trying to get the bits out of my hair." Mal stood there in all his glory, raking his fingers through his hair and picking out nasty pieces to toss into the fire. I could feel that the bond between us had cracked open more than before. The worry that slowly seeped out had now lessened along with his confusion.
"I'm sorry. It was important." I paused a moment to look him over. It had been a while, hadn't it? I shook my head at myself. "She feels you, too." Vanessa leaned back now that Mal was in the room, as if everything suddenly seemed less bad. She nibbled at her thumbnail until I swatted her hand away. "Tla."
For the first time in days, Mal gazed at Vanessa. Tension seemed to slip from him as his shoulders relaxed. He walked over and stood next to the sofa looking down at her.
"May I?" He nodded his head toward the spot beside her.
She nodded and I watched the two of them. For the first time, the bonds inside me raged. Bashing and lashing against one another, leaving me with a sense of hyper awareness. Every time they touched, it mirrored a connecting moment between Mal and Vanessa. A gaze, a gesture. It was almost as if our links were finally content. Had we really been so separate over the past month since our return? When I thought about it, the answer was a definite yes. Spending every other night in different bedrooms, interrupted by brief moments in the clinic or a shift at the hospital. Until now, I hadn't realized how close that thatched-roof cottage brought the three of us.
Mal took a seat on the other side of Vanessa, sandwiching her between us.
"How does it feel?"
"How does what?" she asked him, each word soft and deliberate. Her words didn't answer him, but her posture sure did. She ceased picking at her nails, her foot stroking my inner thigh as a light purr returned to her chest. "I like it better when you don't ignore me."
"I'm sorry." He reached out and squeezed her arm. "How do I feel in you through her?"
She seemed to think about it, patting his hand lightly while she did. The bonds inside me, which my mind imagined as red and green, settled to a comfortable flutter beside each other as if they'd been waiting to rest.
"Like a friend." Vanessa's answer, although simple, meant a lot. At least to me. I smiled at the two of them because what's better than having my mates be great friends?
"You feel warm and at times rumbly." Mal was still holding back on the bonds but I could sense more of his openness squeezing through the cracks.
Vanessa snickered a bit and her whole body relaxed above me. She smiled at him and drew her gaze to me as if saying, "Okay, everything is fixed now." I laughed softly at the two of them.
"I'm sorry I didn't take your worry more seriously, Mal. I didn't realize how big a thing this could be, for all of us," I said, offering up my sincerity. I never intended to shut him down, or have him pull away. That hurt more than anything. "We may not be three ferals hold up in a cottage anymore, but our connection to each other is as important as ever. I'm the hub of that. I haven't learned yet what it means to be Two-Spirit or the impact it may have on both of you."
"No more bad things for now," said Vanessa. I had to agree with her there. The last thing I wanted was more turmoil in our relationships.
"But I thought bad was sexy." Mal grinned, setting all of us at ease with a wave of shared laughter.
Chapter Four
"Sometimes I forget that you're real," I said to my mother as we hiked up the slope beside the river. Heavy snow fell around us though not enough to limit our view. The lake, partially frozen over, sat to our left.
"Realness is relative, Dodi." Mom glanced over her shoulder at me. She wore a thick wrap of fur-covered skins around her shoulders almost like a cloak. It looked well-worn and useful, if something could look useful anyway.
"Two decades wishing you were in my life can do that I guess." I pulled Mal's jacket tighter around me and braced myself against a tree when the path declined. Mom held her hand out and I took it just in time as my boots slid beneath m
e. "How are you not slipping about?"
"Moccasins are better." She chuckled and tugged me into a rough embrace, tucking me beneath her furs. "We will rest here for a while, yes?"
"Yes, please." We stopped beside a small clearing. A thin blanket of snow covered the ground but not enough to draw too much disdain. Mom led me to an area with a circle of stones. She gathered up a few dry branches from under a group of pines.
"You remember how to build a fire, Dodi?" she asked, crouching beside the stones.
"Of course. You taught me that." I helped her gather wood as she pulled flint and tinder out from one of the pouches at her hip. She handed it to me and I got to work. Mom watched me as I set everything about and struck the flint. It took a few tries before the fire sparked. She helped me stoke it and in no time, we had a growing fire. Mom laid out a deerskin blanket on the ground and sat. I joined her and she opened her cloak to drape over my shoulders. "Where do you get all these supplies? A special hide away in a tree?"
"Yes." She chuckled, rubbing my shoulder when I shivered. "I keep things in many places. It is safest that way."
When we were alone like this, outdoors and focused, images of our reservation pack flooded my mind. I blinked away some of the uncomfortable memories, but allowed the nostalgia of my childhood with my mother to linger.
"You are filled with many thoughts," she commented.
"Vanessa always says that, too."
"Your cat speaks the truth. What are you remembering?" She pressed her lips to my forehead as if checking for a fever. I knew she was just making sure I wasn't freezing to death. The fire leapt as it grew and the snow around us began to melt.
"The rez and stuff. We lived outside a lot back then."
"It is our way of life, Dodi. Our small houses, although offering some safety, are not as fulfilling as the earth itself."
"You speak like a prophet. How come I don't speak like a prophet?" I looked to her, offering a smile and she returned such. Her eyes shimmered with the reflection of the fire.
"I am no prophet, and you learned English and Cherokee at the same time. Mine had moons in between." Without warning, she pulled the elastic band out of my hair that held my ponytail.
"Hey. What was that for?" I shook out my hair to get the bumps out.
"Much better." She grinned as she stretched out her legs, crossing them at the ankles. I laughed and leaned against her. For a while, we sat quietly. The warmth of her body heat under the furs offered more comfort than the fire. "How is it being Two-Spirit?"
"Tricky. Mal and Vanessa have some sort of connection now as well. Is that normal?" I looked up at her as she took my hand in hers, for no other reason it seemed other than to remain connected.
"Yes. Two-Spirit bonds connect the family unit. You have combined the magics of two species. It will be most strange for Mal who is used to wolf habits." Although she said very little, it pretty much verified everything we had assumed. Xany seemed to know the most, logically speaking. Vanessa didn't seem bothered by her connection to Mal. Although he seemed to settle down some after our talk yesterday, our bond still wasn't fully relaxed. He needed time and that was all I could give him.
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it all up."
"O-s-dv." Good, she said, patting my hand.
"Vanessa's bond is a lot different than Mal's. My connection with Mal is solid, free-flowing, riddled with safety and possession. We are the same." I took a moment to focus in on Mal. As if he could sense me, he sent pulses of affection through the bond, warming my insides where my mother and the fire couldn't reach.
"And with Vanessa?" A smile met her expression when she asked.
"There's the same fluidity, safety, and possession but there's also a longing. A desire that just having the bond alone doesn't fulfill. It's an ache, and it kills me sometimes." I gripped my jacket when I focused on Vanessa's bond. It cried out to me as if saying, "come to me, hold me, love me." If I focused in on it for too long, I found myself craving the same. "When we're together, both bonds are content and strong. Any distance is painful from Vanessa. Extended distance is painful with Mal. Does that make sense?"
"Yes, Dodi. It is how it should be. Mate bonds are living connections that have needs."
"And Mal and Vanessa. What kind of bond do they have? Xany said it's another mate bond but they disagree."
"Can you sense their connection?"
"No." I shook my head. "But they both feel it. Vanessa said it feels like a friend. Mal didn't elaborate much."
"Interspecies bonds are rare. When they occur, they are powerful. It is simple and complex together. You are a circle together. The energy will flow between the three of you always. Even in death. Three ferals of different species, different upbringing, together as one. See now, Dodi?" She cupped my chin in her hand. "You mustn't worry so. Mal will learn his new bond, Vanessa will become secure in hers."
"I sure hope so. Always is a long time." A soft smile curved my lips under her affection. What would I do without her? How did I survive this far without her? "Gv-ge-yu-hi, Mom. You know that, right?"
"And I love you, Dodi. I do not need to know it. I feel it." She brought my hand up for a kiss.
"Did your mate bond with my father break when he died?" I asked as her words echoed in my mind, "Always. Even in death."
"Mate bonds are for always, Dodi. Even in death," she repeated.
"So you still feel him?" My stomach lurched a bit. Mom didn't answer right away. Instead, she lifted a stick and gave the fire a poke. She set the stick down and remained silent. "Mom?"
"You ask difficult questions, Dodi."
"There's only one of two answers for that question. Yes or no." I turned to face her now that the fire warmed me up. Her furs still around both of us. "Do you feel him?"
"Tla," she said, glancing to the fire then back to me.
"But you said mate bonds are for always." A surge of anxiety raced through me, pressing heavily on my chest. The thought of not being able to sense either of my mates in life or death scared me.
"They are."
"But…" What wasn't she saying? "I think you've been spending too much time with Kat which has got you answering me like a cat."
"Tla, Katherine is busy rebuilding her pride." She seemed to jump at the chance of a subject change. I knew that tactic pretty well. So, I pulled a Xany.
"So why don't you feel him anymore if mate bonds are forever?"
"Dodi, you are stubborn as a mule." She gave my hair a hearty tug.
"Ow!" I laughed and shoved her hand. "That hurt, what the heck."
"You have learned much from Loud One."
"Yes, because you're keeping something from me." I huffed like Xany though this time on purpose.
"Some things are better without being known." She shook her head.
"Not really. I'd rather you not feel him or be connected to him at all." I looked over her shoulder as the snow lightened to a flurry. Whenever it snowed, the world seemed quieter and still as if the very act of breathing would disturb it.
"Do not fear, Dodi," she spoke which drew my attention back to her. "He is not my mate."
"Wait… what?"
"Viktor is not my mate. But we were wed."
"Mom, are you kidding me?" I rolled to my knees in front of her. "But I thought…I... what... he." I babbled and she grabbed my hands to slow me down. My heart thundered in my chest.
"Times were different then, marriages were without choice. He is not my mate." She squeezed my hands.
"Did you love him?" I sat back on my heels. Why did I know so little about her life? About my father?
"In the beginning, we had a mutual affection for a short while. That is love in one form but not the love you ask about. Sit." She nodded toward the blanket and I steadied myself enough to sit cross-legged facing her.
"I… don't even know what to say. I'm sorry I made you talk about this, Mom. Maybe I should let Xany be the pushy one instead."
"You ask good questions, Dodi."
"Have I upset you? How come you never look upset?" I took a few deep breaths to calm myself.
"I am not upset." She patted my hands again, drawing her eyes away from me briefly and watching something over my shoulder. A smile spread across her lips, meeting her eyes before she looked back at me. I turned around but saw nothing.
"What'd you see?"
"Spirits visit often here."
I took a deep breath and forced myself to settle down. My mother was an enigma and so were her spirits. "Good spirits?"
"Yes. This one is particularly good. A bobcat young one who died on the mountain many years ago." Had she ever spoken so directly about her spirits before? Maybe our extended alone time had both of us feeling more comfortable talking about our internal worlds. I bit my lip as a burning question rose to my tongue.
"Do you ever see his spirit?"
"Viktor? Tla." She shook her head. "Tainted Ones do not get such privilege."
"I couldn't bear it if he was still allowed to walk the earth, no matter what form he was in." I closed my eyes, shaking off the thought of running into my father's ghost.
"Your cat saw to his death. Gaia saw to his departure. The spirit world saw to his containment."
"Good." I moved closer to her again, resting my head on her shoulder. The nature of our conversation had fatigue tugging at my heels, pulling me down and fighting the urge to sleep. Mom wrapped her arms around me, tucking me beneath her furs again. We remained there as the snow once again fell heavily around us. The fire had difficulty keeping its height.
"I am sorry, Shawnee, for not protecting you from him," she said, her voice a steady breath but I felt the tension in her shoulders while she said it. Speaking my name was the most jarring part of her apology.
"I know, Mom. I'm sorry I didn't protect you from the Andrus." The words tumbled out before I could put proper thought to them.
"We are both apologizing for things that belong in Gaia's hands, not ours."
Bound (Legacy Series Book 4) Page 4
