“Mom told me you had a talk with your great grandmother,” he said.
“Really? I was kind of hoping that conversation was confidential between me and Grams,” she replied, feeling her emotions rising.
Her dad must have heard the emotion in her voice because his softened as he put his hand back on her shoulder. “Maddie?”
Looking up into his eyes, she crumbled. As her tears flowed, he took her into an embrace. “Oh, Daddy,” she managed. “What if I’m not good enough for Luke?”
Holding her close, he sighed. “Honey, any man would be blessed to have you for his wife.”
She sniffled back her tears and looked up at him. “You’re just saying that because you’re my dad.”
“Maybe,” he teased with a wink. Then his expression changed as he held her at arms distance with both hands. “Seriously, Madison, Luke loves you very much. I have no doubt about that. None at all. If I did, this wedding would not go forward.”
I hope he’s right. I can’t live my whole life wondering.
Once Madison had gone downstairs, Steve turned to Caleb’s room. “Hey,” he said as he pushed the door open. “Can I come in?”
“Sure. Why not,” his son replied, closing his laptop.
Steve walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s up with you and your sister?”
“Nothing.”
“She seemed pretty upset when she left your room,” Steve commented.
“She was just getting into my business,” Caleb replied.
“And what business is that?”
“Nothing.”
Steve studied his son. Caleb seemed really preoccupied lately. Something was definitely up. “Madison’s just edgy because of the wedding,” he offered, hoping to break ground and get to the root of what was going on.
Caleb stood up. “Right.”
“Son?” Steve said, immediately noticing Caleb’s wince. “Is something bothering you lately?”
“No, why?”
“You just seem to be spending a lot of time on your computer instead of outside shooting hoops or something.”
“I’m not a kid anymore. And last time I checked, there wasn’t anything illegal about being on the computer,” he snapped.
“Hey,” Steve replied. “I don’t like your tone.”
“And I don’t like getting the third degree from everyone,” Caleb said, brushing past him and walking out of the room.
“What just happened here?” Steve thought aloud. He was tempted to flip open Caleb’s computer and see what he’d been doing. Searching the room for other clues, he began to silently pray for wisdom. And for his son.
“Madison, have you and Luke decided when you’re going to register for wedding gifts?” Michelle asked. “Grandma was wondering.”
Madison felt her stomach tighten. Why did everything about this wedding seem to make her edgy? “No. I’ll talk to him tonight.”
“Are you guys going out to dinner? Or will you be here?”
“We’re going out. He should be here any time,” Madison replied, checking her phone for messages.
“Who should be here any time?” Luke asked as he snuck up behind her and put his arms around her waist.
Madison’s heart jumped. “You startled me!”
“Sorry about that,” he replied, releasing her and greeting her mother. “Caleb was out front and let me in.”
He bent down and gave her a quick kiss. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” She grabbed her purse off the counter and gave her mom a hug. “I won’t be out late.”
Once they were outside, he took her hand. “Where to?”
“Wherever you want is fine with me,” she replied. Her appetite was marginal these days. The closer the wedding got, the more nervous she felt.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Why?”
“I don’t know. You just seem kind of quiet.”
She turned and gave him her best smile, determined to push down her anxiety. “I’m fine. Really.”
“Okay. Whatever you say.” He stopped and turned to face her. “Can I have a kiss?”
“I thought you got one in the kitchen,” she said.
“I mean a real one,” he replied with a smile. Leaning down, he brushed his lips on hers gently at first, and then with a deepening kiss.
Madison felt herself tingle a little. She melted against him, willing all her doubts and fears to disappear.
Suddenly Luke pulled away. “We’d better go,” he said.
And the anxieties rushed right back into her heart.
Over dinner, their conversation was surface, until Madison brought up what Lucy had said. “She told me you’re having lots of serious talks with your dad.”
He nodded.
“Anything we should talk about?” she asked.
“Not yet.”
What does that mean? She wondered. “So are you having second thoughts?” The words slipped out of her mouth before she could catch them.
Luke looked at her stunned. “Why would you ask that?”
Hedging, she replied, “No reason. It’s just…well…I’d understand if you were.”
“You would?”
“Yeah.”
Luke stared at her, and she felt like he was looking right into her soul. “Are you having second thoughts?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Why am I saying all this? she asked herself.
He looked at her with a fear that mirrored her own. “Did I do something to upset you?” he asked.
“No. Nothing like that.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s not you, Luke. It’s just the wedding…getting married…all that stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ready.” Why am I lying to him like this? What is the matter with me? It was like her fears had taken on a personality of their own.
Luke looked really hurt. Great. Now she was hurting the person she loved most in the world. And why? Suddenly an unexpected surge of courage welled up in her. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” she said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like I’m maybe not ready.”
He stared at her again and then shook his head. “So are you breaking off our engagement?” he asked, clearly bewildered.
Madison’s eyes blurred with tears. How could she explain to him about her fears and doubts? Maybe it would just be best to let him go. Then he could find someone who wasn’t so insecure. Someone who was ready to be missionary wife.
“I love you, Maddie,” he said, his own eyes filling with tears.
“Do you? Do you really love me?” she asked, her voice shaking. “Because I’m not sure why you would.” An avalanche of emotions swept over her.
Scrubbing his face with his hands, he took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. “What do you mean, why? You are a wonderful and beautiful person. And you’ve accomplished an amazing goal with your nursing school program.”
She smiled slightly. “Thanks,” she replied softly.
Luke’s tone dropped a notch. “You’ve got to get over this, Madison. When are you going to quit beating yourself up? I love you. I do. But I can’t make this okay for you. Only God can.”
He looked away for a moment and then back into her eyes. “You are the one I want to marry. You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Okay?”
“Okay,” she replied.
That night, as Madison was getting ready for bed, she thought about her conversation with Luke. Pulling open the bottom drawer of her desk, she rifled through the contents until she found a fabric colored journal.
Before opening it, Madison caressed the cover and thought back to the first time she’d pressed open its lined pages. She’d just begun seeing a Christian counselor named Taylor James. During their first meeting, Taylor had suggested journaling as a way to help Madison process her thoughts and feelings.
Maddie smiled, thinking about Taylor with her big smil
e and broad face framed in curls. Together they’d spent a summer exploring Madison’s feelings of self-doubt and shame. It had helped propel her out of a destructive mindset and into her degree program. Now she realized she hadn’t completely conquered her fears.
Opening the familiar book, she began reading the entries and remembering the insights she’d gleaned from their sessions coupled with scripture and some pretty intense times in prayer. God had showed up for her in a big way back then. But somehow she’d let her time and passion wane.
“I guess I just got busy,” she said aloud to herself. But in her heart, she knew that was no excuse. Luke was right. He couldn’t fix this for her. Only God could. And He’d used Taylor to help her in that process before. Maybe it was time to check back in with her again.
Flipping to the back of the journal, she found Taylor’s business card. Her cell phone number was written in ink at the bottom. She’d told Madison she could call or text if she ever needed to reach her again.
Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Madison reached for her phone. Please, Lord. Help me find the confidence I need to be a good wife for Luke.
She opened her text messaging and began typing.
Hi Taylor. It’s me, Madison Baron. I was thinking about you tonight and wondered if we could get together this week. I’ve got some stuff to sort through, and I could use your help.
Fifteen minutes later, her phone beeped, signaling a reply.
Madison! Great to hear from you! I’ll be in my office all week. How about tomorrow at 4:30?
Madison smiled. “Perfect!” she typed in response.
As she climbed into bed, she opened the journal once again, reading her notes and reflecting on scriptures that had helped her so much in the past. She drifted off to the words of Zephaniah 3:17 filling her spirit with peace.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Where are you heading off to?” Michelle asked Madison the next afternoon.
“To see Taylor,” she replied casually, hoping to avoid a big conversation with her mother.
Michelle stopped what she was doing. “Really? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.” Madison gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll be back before dinner.”
As she parked her car in front of the counseling office, she paused for a moment to pray. Lord, help me move past my doubts and fears about marrying Luke. I don’t want to blow this.
Entering the waiting room, she noticed an updated décor. The new paint and furniture, along with a single serving coffee maker well-stocked with a variety of flavor brews, was attractive and continued to communicate an ambiance of comfort and safety.
Madison smiled. It had been several years since she’d been in this place. But it felt good to be back. She remembered the many times she’d walked through this door feeling distressed and had left with a renewed hope for the future.
“Madison?” A familiar voice from the hallway drew her back into the moment.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she replied with a grin.
“You look great! And I love the new haircut,” Taylor said.
Fingering the tips of her now shorter hair, Madison smiled. “Thanks!”
“Well, come on back, and let’s get caught up,” her counselor suggested.
Soon they were settled into her private office. The same comfortable couch and pillows drew Madison into its arms as she sat back and kicked off her shoes, slipping one foot under her in a casual position. Talking to Taylor was like talking to a best friend. No pretenses. Just a safe zone for truth.
But with Taylor, unlike her best friend Lucy, Madison didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out what she shared—including her doubts about her upcoming wedding. Lucy would never purposefully reveal a confidence, but she was as tied to Luke as she was to Madison. Plus, life for Lucy was pretty cut and dry. ‘You love the guy so what’s the problem. Just get married and it will all work out fine,’ would likely be her response.
Taylor, on the other hand, had no vested interest in what Madison decided to do. And she could hear beneath the words on the surface the issues that Madison struggled with in deeper places of her soul.
“So, did you finish your nursing program?” she asked, as she took a seat herself.
“Yep. All done,” Madison replied.
“That’s great! Are you starting work soon?”
“Well, I’m not sure yet. Lots of things are happening right now,” she added, absentmindedly twisting her engagement ring with the other hand.
“Is that what I think it is?” Taylor asked, pointing the end of her pen toward Madison’s hand.
Immediately Madison stopped her twisting and smiled. Lifting her left hand and turning the back of it toward Taylor, she showed off her ring. “Yeah. Luke and I are engaged.”
“That’s wonderful,” her counselor replied enthusiastically.
“I guess,” Madison responded.
“You don’t sound very excited.” Taylor’s observation hung in the air for a moment.
Taking a deep breath and then letting it out, Madison nodded. “That’s why I’m here.”
“I see.” Taylor studied her in anticipation. “Shall we pray before we get into this?” she asked.
Madison nodded again. “Yeah, I’d like that.” Although she respected Taylor’s degree in psychology, she appreciated her faithful walk with Christ even more. At this point, Madison was pretty sure she’d never go to a secular counselor.
Leaning forward in her seat and bowing her head, Taylor prayed for God to give both of them wisdom and insight as they shared with each other. Then, sitting back, she smiled compassionately at Madison. “So tell me why the hesitation about marrying Luke.”
Madison paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to begin. “I guess it’s mostly just that I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a pastor’s wife.”
Taylor nodded. “And Luke has decided he’s called to be a pastor?”
“Well, not exactly. Not yet. He wants to start on the mission field. And his father, who is the pastor of our church, has offered us a position at an orphanage overseas.”
“Seems like I recall you and Luke serving together on a short term mission trip before he went off to college.”
“Yeah. We did,” Madison replied.
“Wasn’t that part of what drew you to nursing? That you felt you would be able to use that skill as a missionary someday?”
Madison nodded. “Luke and I were really impacted by that trip. It’s when we decided we both wanted to serve overseas.”
“And now you have that opportunity.”
“Yes.”
“But you’re hesitating to marry Luke and dive into this because…”
Madison smiled. Taylor made it seem so simple. “It’s not the missionary work I’m concerned about. I think we’d be good at that. Good together, I mean.”
“Okay. It’s the pastor’s wife role you mentioned earlier that has you scared?”
She nodded. “I look at Luke’s mom, and I see someone who is so strong and sure of herself. She’s sacrificial and loving and patient. But most of all, she’s strong.”
“And you don’t see yourself that way?”
“Not really.” Madison replied.
“Has Luke told you he plans to become a pastor?” Taylor asked.
“He hasn’t talked about it lately.”
“But?”
“But he sure has the heart of a pastor. I think it’s pretty inevitable that he’ll become one in the future,” Madison said.
“And if he does, then you’d become a pastor’s wife.”
She nodded.
“But that doesn’t feel okay to you.”
Madison thought about it for moment. “It scares me a little.”
Taylor nodded. “Change can be scary. And so can responsibility
. Which of those scares you most?”
Madison laughed nervously. “Both, I guess.”
“What is the scariest thing about being a pastor’s wife, in your mind?”
She hesitated, considering the question carefully. “I guess being in charge of so much at church.”
“Like?”
“Like the women’s ministry. The children’s ministry. The helps ministry. All of it.”
“That’s what Luke’s mom does?”
“I think so.”
“And that’s what Luke would expect of you?”
She nodded, beginning to twist her engagement ring again.
“Correct me if I’m wrong here, Madison, but it seems like you might be borrowing trouble from tomorrow. Trouble that might not ever come.”
Madison looked her in the eye. “What do you mean?”
“Well, first, Luke’s not even talking about becoming a pastor right now.”
Madison nodded.
“And it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever discussed with him what your role would look like if he did step into that role. Right?”
“Right,” Madison admitted.
“Okay, so although I’m sure you know that scripture tells us not to borrow trouble from tomorrow, let’s just do a little soul searching here.”
“Okay.”
Taylor looked her in the eye and said, “Let’s imagine you and Luke have just returned from the mission field.”
Madison nodded.
“And let’s say Luke sits you down and shares that he’s feeling called to assume the role of a pastor in a church.”
“Okay.”
“Tell me what he would say to you.”
She studied her counselor. “What do you mean?”
“Pretend he’s sitting across from you right now. He’s just told you he’s feeling called to move into pastoring a church. What else would he say?”
“Like about me?”
“About anything.”
She thought for a moment. “He’d ask me what I thought.”
“Okay, good. So he wouldn’t just announce a decision?”
Madison shook her head. “No, I’m pretty sure he’d ask me for my input first.”
Above All Else (Sandy Cove Series Book 7) Page 6
