“I guess I don’t get along with girls as much as I do guys,” she answered finally. “I don’t really know why.”
“Probably because you’re so strong. I don’t just mean bodywise. I mean you have a strong presence, too.” He paused and took a sip of his drink. “Plus you’re beautiful. Those two things intimidate other girls.”
She stared down at her split, ragged fingernails. A minuscule smile was tugging the ends of her mouth. She’d been called beautiful before but never believed it. Yet she liked the way Skyler rattled it off as if he were simply stating a fact.
Gaia had never really thought of her effect on other girls before. Maybe he was right. Maybe the fact that she didn’t care about the FOHs’ opinion of her—or at least didn’t used to care—was like an unspoken challenge to them. That would explain their inexplicable need to make her life even more of a purgatory. Leave it to Skyler to put it so succinctly. He had a talent for taking all the scraps she fed him about her life and turning them into a full, comprehensible portrait. She had a sudden urge to ask him all about herself, since he obviously understood things a lot better than she did.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud, harsh buzzer, like the “time’s up” signal on a game show. She jumped into a sitting position, her heart jerking sideways in her chest.
Skyler stood and grasped her shoulder reassuringly. “It’s okay. That’s just the door. Probably the laundry service returning your clothes.”
“Right,” she said, smiling sheepishly.
Christ, when am I ever going to get a grip? she wondered. Other people have fear and they don’t startle at things like shoelaces and doorbells. Could they have made a mistake at Rodke and Simon? Did they splice too much fear into my matrix?
The mere thought of such a thing filled her with more prickly panic.
Skyler set down his drink and peered through the peephole in the door. “Yeah. It’s the service.”
Gaia watched him open up, heard the muted mumbling of a conversation, and saw him press a few bills into someone’s outstretched palm. Soon after, a small bundle of folded clothing was deposited into his arms.
“Here you go,” he said, closing the door and handing her the pile. “Why don’t you get dressed and we’ll go eat something? There’s a great pizzeria nearby. They make an amazing anchovy-and-tomato pie.”
“Okay.”
She went into the bedroom and pulled on her clothes, which were still toasty warm from the dryer. So nice of Skyler to take care of that. If it had been left up to her, she would have stayed in the same smelly, grimy outfit for the rest of the day. But Skyler knew what was best. He knew exactly how to take care of her.
Like now, for instance. She didn’t really feel hungry, but it was probably a good idea for her to eat. He was looking out for her needs, something no one had really done since her mom died. She would go and eat her pizza like a good girl. She’d even ignore the fact that she hated anchovies.
As they trudged down the stairs, Skyler draped his arm around her shoulders. “I’m glad you stayed over,” he said.
She met his smile and mirrored it. “Me too.”
Again Gaia was struck by an intense gratitude toward him. For taking care of her. For trying to understand her. For making things easy when they’d been hard for so long. Without even thinking about it, she tilted her head sideways, resting it against his shoulder. Skyler tightened his grip on her, pulling her closer.
They descended the rest of the way in their Siamese-twin-like stance, separating when they reached the front door. As they stepped outside into the moldy, postrain air, Gaia was surprised to see the lavender light of approaching dusk. It was later than she’d thought.
They hastily crossed at the corner. The light was even dimmer on the other side of the street. Shadow upon shadow mottled the sidewalk like a giant camouflage pattern. Even the air was cooler. She put her hands in her pockets, pulling her unzipped jacket tighter around her chest.
All of a sudden something moved in the darkness nearby. A hulking shape emerged from the mouth of an alleyway, making straight for them.
Gaia sucked in her breath. What now? More IV heads? Muggers? Rapists? Could she not even go get pizza without being attacked?
“Skyler, watch out!” she called as she jumped into a fighting stance, her eyes fixed on the thug lumbering toward them.
“What the . . . ?” Skyler stopped, glancing up nervously. He obviously hadn’t seen the guy coming. Of course not. He was used to walking down a street without being molested, while Gaia, scum magnet that she was, had learned to keep a lookout.
She maintained her defensive posture, although somewhat shakily. Her heart was beating so violently, it made her whole body throb. She watched as the man slowly came into view.
A tattered brown coat. Skin like paper that had been crumpled and resmoothed. Bloodshot eyes sunken with misery.
It was the homeless man from before. The one she’d saved from the hopped-up university kids.
Gaia’s arms drooped limply at her sides as he shuffled toward her. He was obviously not a threat, but for some reason, she couldn’t help feeling wary. What did he want? To thank her? To ask for more help? Beg for money?
The man stopped a foot away from her and stared directly into her eyes. Then he raised a crinkly hand and pointed right at her. “Be . . . thy brother’s keeper.” His gravelly voice contained a note of warning—or admonishment. She couldn’t tell which.
“What?” she asked.
“Come on.” Skyler gripped her arm and tried to tug her down the sidewalk with him. “Just keep walking.”
But Gaia couldn’t move. She stood fixed in place, spellbound by the intensity in the man’s gaze.
“Be thy brother’s keeper!” he said again, his pitch now clearly angry.
Brother’s keeper . . . It echoed through her, awakening some subterranean fear.
Although she stayed frozen upright, Gaia felt like she was falling. Something inside her—some vital cog in her inner machinery—seemed to break, and the scene in front of her warped and decelerated, as if gradually sapped of power.
It was like watching a nightmare at half speed. She could see the haggard face of the vagrant, his expression full of harsh accusation. It loomed and stretched before her, frightening her. Then Skyler stepped into view, his features kindled with rage. The two faces swirled around each other, splintering and melding, until a new face emerged. One from her conscience. A beautiful innocent face.
Her brother. D.
Poor D., she thought, out in the world—this horrible, treacherous world. He was the only person besides Skyler who had always been good to her. And what was she doing to help him? Nothing. Not a thing.
She was not her brother’s keeper. The man had every right to be yelling at her.
“Be thy bro—”
“No!” Gaia shouted, closing her eyes and covering her ears with her hands. “Stop it! Leave me alone!”
Now Skyler was yelling at the man. She could hear his muffled shouts over the man’s scolding, like cracks of lightning amid dull thunder. Then everything went silent.
“Come on, Gaia. It’s over,” came Skyler’s muted voice. “He’s gone.”
She opened her eyes. Her gaze darted about, but there was no sign of the vagrant anywhere. She relaxed slightly, letting Skyler pull her hands from her ears, holding them in his own.
“The best thing to do is ignore people like that. He was just a lunatic. He didn’t know what he was saying.”
Gaia nodded weakly. She couldn’t tell him he was wrong. The man knew. He was warning her. Rebuking her. Something awful could be happening to D. this very minute. It was her premonition come true.
“Look at you. You’re shaking,” he observed, running his hands up and down her arms. “Let’s go find a quiet booth at the pizza place and get you something to eat.”
“No.” Gaia shook her head. “I’m sorry. I really don’t feel well. Couldn’t we just . . . go back?”
He draped an arm about her shoulders and gently steered her back to his apartment building, somehow sensing her need for physical support.
But of course he did. Skyler always knew exactly what she needed.
Subversive Camaraderie
“COME ON, TELL US. WHAT WERE THEY arguing about?”
Megan ignored her friends’ round, pleading stares. She gave a small, evasive grin and sat back against the leopard-print upholstery, toying with the hot pink paper umbrella in her mai tai.
She enjoyed prolonging this moment. Let them snarl and beg and huff impatiently. She was in no hurry. After all, gossip like this should be savored, doled out in tiny morsels instead of carelessly dumped in a pile.
After a while she set down her drink and sat forward again. Her eyes roved around the circular bamboo booth, meeting the others’ hungry gazes. “Liz wanted to know why Jake was so sure Gaia had slept over at Skyler’s last night.”
Megan felt a victorious thrill as the rest of the girls gasped in unison.
“Oh my God! Gaia and Skyler?”
“No way!”
“What did Jake say?”
“He said he just knew,” she replied calmly.
More gasps and murmurs of astonishment.
“And,” she continued, tossing her hair over her shoulder, “he was demanding to know Skyler’s address. I think he was hoping for some big showdown, but Liz was too smart for him. She refused to give it over.”
“Poor Jake,” Laura crooned.
“Yeah. I can’t believe Gaia!” Tina exclaimed, shaking her head.
Megan frowned at her. “I can. This is typical man-grubbing Gaia. The girl must have some weird complex that makes her go after every hot guy on the island. And this time she thought she was so all that, she tried to add another guy to her collection without breaking it off with her current boyfriend first.”
“Poor Jake,” Laura murmured again.
“Yeah, well, he’s not standing for it. And I say good for him.” Megan twirled the tiny umbrella between her thumb and forefinger. “The question is, what does this mean for us?”
Laura sucked in her breath. “Jake doesn’t have anyone to take to prom!” she exclaimed happily.
Megan rolled her eyes. “Duh! I’m talking about the bigger picture here. Don’t you see? This fits perfectly into Operation Revenge.” She glanced around the crowd in the tiki bar and then leaned forward, lowering her voice. “What we need to do now is tell the whole school about Gaia’s slutty ways.”
The rest of the table exchanged sly looks, nodding and murmuring their approval. A sense of subversive camaraderie spread through the group. Megan could feel it gathering weight, crystallizing their sense of purpose.
This could very well be the best day of her life.
“Gaia won’t know what hit her,” she went on, smiling with pure glee. “Even if she dares to show up at prom now, she won’t be very welcome. We’ll make sure of that.”
fish sticks and sanka
Gaia felt the familiar prick of dread, like a hypodermic to the gut.
Bound and Gagged
GAIA BALANCED ON THE TILE COUNTER-TOP in Skyler’s bathroom, studying herself in the mirror. Was that really her? Something seemed vastly different.
Her face looked worn and disheveled, hastily assembled. Two vertical furrows had been stamped into the space between her brows—an obvious weak spot that had split from the pressure of too many heavy burdens. Even the rest of her features seemed saggy and loose. Far too much wear and tear for a face that young.
But it wasn’t that. She’d been aware for some time that she looked older than she was. Apparently being fearless made you age in dog years. So little time. So much suckage.
Was it the panic written into her expression? Her eyes did have that overly timid look, darting this way and that, as if constantly fleeing. And her lips were continually chapped from her biting them all the time.
No, it wasn’t that either. Something else was changed—or missing. Something she couldn’t quite pin down. She couldn’t get past the question her reflection was begging of her.
What about D.? it asked. How are you going to watch over D. if you can’t take care of yourself?
“Gaia?” Skyler rapped on the door, startling her. “Are you okay?”
“Y-Yeah,” she replied, hopping back down. A warm tingle took shelter in her cheeks. She couldn’t help feeling slightly embarrassed at having stared at herself for so long.
“You’ve been in there a long time,” he called out. “Are you sick?”
Gaia hastily opened the door. “I’m fine,” she said, trying to appear casual.
“Hey.” He cupped her face in his hand and turned her gaze onto his. “I’m sorry about that lunatic. I know he really freaked you out.”
The image of the ranting vagrant swam before her again. Be thy brother’s keeper. . . . Her dread returned full force, gripping her like a lead straitjacket.
“Are you going to be okay?” Skyler’s voice, forever full of concern, broke through her thoughts.
Was she? Was she ever going to be okay? She had no idea. But she wasn’t sure she should say that. Part of her didn’t want to worry him. After all, it was just Gaia the Melancholy, stewing in her own gloom and doom again. But she had to admit, part of her wanted to be comforted-to beg for a hug like a four-year-old with a skinned knee.
She swallowed back her panic and shrugged. “No big deal,” she managed to whisper.
But of course, Skyler didn’t buy it. She could tell by the swell of pity behind his eyes. “Come here.” He pulled her to the couch and they sat down, Gaia nestling against him. “Listen, the city is full of crazy stuff. It’s dangerous and cruel and relentless.”
Gaia frowned. “Uh, Skyler? Is this supposed to be comforting?”
“Just hear me out.” He squeezed her hand. “What I’m trying to say is that for me at least, things seem a lot less crazy when you’re around. Forget the alley fight and the guy shouting nonsense at you. This has been one of the best days I’ve ever had.”
She smiled. It really had been nice. Getting away from Collingwood, Jake, all the things that were complicating her already-hampered mind. For the first time since getting fear, she’d managed to relax, even if it was for just a little while. “Yeah,” she replied. “Me too.”
“When you’re around, I just feel . . . I don’t know . . . happier.” He shook his head, grimacing slightly. “I know that sounds totally clichéd and cornball.”
Gaia patted the top of his hand. “No,” she said, glad for the chance to put him at ease for a change. “It doesn’t.”
He smiled crookedly. “I guess what I want to say is . . . I think we need each other. The world isn’t going to stop being insane, and we can help each other out. I feel like we have this amazing connection, like I was meant to find you and look out for you. Am I nuts? Do you feel it, too?”
She paused, shifting her gaze to an abstract painting on the wall behind him. How did she feel? She couldn’t tell. She’d been so completely petrified with fear for her brother that all other emotions were bound and gagged. But she had to admit there was something. Not since her mom died had there been someone so willing to watch over and protect her. In just one day Skyler had done so much for her, she wasn’t even sure how to categorize him. Friend? Nurse? Big brother? Therapist? The attention he was giving her seemed so pure, so unconditional. It made her feel valued. And very, very grateful.
One thing was certain: she didn’t want this to end. Skyler had been so incredible to her, she wasn’t sure she could go back to doing everything for herself.
He was right. She obviously needed him. And now she was so beholden to him for his kindness, she would do whatever it took to somehow pay him back.
“Yes,” she said finally. “I feel that way, too.”
Skyler inhaled as if he’d be
en holding his breath, and his usual air of dignity returned to his features. “Good,” he exclaimed. “Enough of all this.” He stood and clapped. “What do you want to do tonight?”
Gaia tensed. Tonight? No. She had to get home. She had to contact D. and make sure he was all right. “Uh . . . you know, I think I should probably head back to the boardinghouse.”
His face fell. “But I thought you liked it here. I thought I was helping you get over all the stuff you’ve been through.”
“You have. Really,” she insisted, desperate to spare his feelings. “It’s just that . . . if I stay away two nights in a row, Suko will probably freak. She won’t buy the staying-at-a-girlfriend’s-house excuse two nights in a row. And if she panics too much, she might even call my dad.”
The more she lied and exaggerated, the more a mucky, greasy sensation spread over her. She was grotesque, awful. She should jump in the bathtub again and soak away the layer of crap she’d just dumped on herself. Wash away her sins.
Skyler didn’t deserve this, but there was no way she could tell him about D. without unraveling the whole insane snarl that was her life.
“You’re right,” he said with a resigned nod. “I’ve kept you long enough.”
He seemed so disappointed, Gaia was tempted to call the whole thing off and stay over again. And if it wasn’t for the memory of D.’s innocent face haunting her every thought, she would have.
I’ll make it up to you, Skyler, she thought as she slipped on her jacket. Somehow.
GAIA
I have a term for this state I’m in: fearsickness.
That has to be it. I’ve never been carsick or airsick or hardly even sick sick, but lately I just feel . . . fearsick. Like I’ve been poured over ice, splashed with a jigger of fear, and shaken until well blended. And my body and mind haven’t stopped spinning yet.
I’m even afraid of being afraid. My fear is so ever present that I can’t remember what it was like to be fearless. I do recall that I was intensely unhappy. That’s what drove me to have the procedure done in the first place. But was it worse than this? I just don’t know.
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