“She says this is your shirt!”
“I had never seen the flannel shirt before. I let my eyes dart over to her and saw a slight nod of her head. “Yeah, it is!” I screamed back and I grabbed the thing out of his fist. I think he must have seen her nod. He watched us both for longer than necessary. He was puffing and turning redder by the second. He was also blocking my way out of the kitchen, so I stood there and waited for him to move. Finally he did. He worked his hands, pumping his fists, and then left in silence. It was strange to have utter silence after all the banging and the screaming. I held up the shirt and questioned my mother silently. She shook her head at me as if she didn’t want to say anything right now. I could hear him in the other room and I wanted nothing but to get out of there. I started to leave, but he came back. I saw the gun in his hand and I reacted without thinking. “Dad!”
“Your mother is a whore and I’m sick of it!” he roared.
“Dad! Stop!” I went for the phone, thinking it was time to call the police, but he followed me and ripped it out of my hands, and the wall.
“Stop lying to me! Who is he?” He started to move toward her and I jumped on him, going for the gun. He was strong in his rage and he threw me back.”
Here’s the hardest part. The only other person that knows what happened is Marcus because he’d been there. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was there waiting for me.
“I stumbled and I must have had a hold of his arm, or his hand, and the gun went off. He accidentally shot me. My mother flipped out. I think she was completely mad in that moment. She tried to get to me but he was panicking too. He pushed her away and she fell. She was as drunk as he was, unsteady on her feet. She hit her head on the corner of the counter and it knocked her out. She died from the fall. When he realized what he’d done, he shot himself.”
We were silent for a long time. I was oddly detached from my own story. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to tell someone what happened to me.
The last song on the disc ends. Juliana reaches over and presses the play button.
“I’ve never told anyone before. I guess what I’m saying is sometimes when you try to do the right thing, it doesn’t always help.”
“You tried to save her.”
“Yes, but it didn’t do any good.” I caused my own death and theirs too. I wouldn’t say that part to Juliana.
“I saved my brother’s life once, but I didn’t know I was doing it.”
She’s quiet for a moment and I want to give her the option to continue or not, like she had done for me.
“It was the night my father died. Jared wanted to go home with him and I wanted him to stay with me at my grandmother’s house. I begged and begged him to stay with me so I would have someone to play with. He gave in, but if he’d gone with my dad they would both be dead right now. Ever since then I’ve felt as if it’s my responsibility to protect him. He means more to me than anyone. It’s hard for me to explain, but it’s true.”
“Maybe it’s because you came so close to losing him?” I say.
“Maybe everything we do doesn’t make any difference in the end. You tried to help your mother and it didn’t work, and I had no idea I was saving my brother. It’s almost like we’re stuck driving on one road forever, no matter how hard we want to change directions. Sometimes we cross paths with other people, but we don’t really have any control over where our roads lead.”
“You don’t know how many times I’ve thought the exact same thing. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if we get to drive our own car or if we’re being chauffeured around. You know, what I really want to know is if someone’s fate can be altered? I have to believe there’s a way to change directions, at least some of the time.”
There’s a long pause as we both consider what was just said.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” she whispers.
“It feels like it is most of the time, but I know it’s not. They sealed their destiny.” I can feel the truth of it. If it hadn’t happened then it would have happened another way just like what was going on with Juliana now. The heartache over what I just brought into conscious comparison is devastating. Juliana must sense my sadness but she doesn’t know my feelings are about her and not my parents.
I hear the bed covers rustle and before I realize what she’s doing, she reaches for my shoulder. Her hand touches me but slips through the air where my arm should be. I manifest my body and try to not show any alarm. Her second try, a millisecond later, lands a soft hand on my upper arm. I pray she thinks her first reach was near-sighted in the candle light and lets it go at that. She doesn’t appear to be concerned.
“I’m sorry about your parents.”
“And I’m sorry about your dad, and Jared too.”
“And Ashley.”
“Ashley too,” I agree.
A calm silence lets me digest for a moment.
“Will you…?” she starts to say but then stops herself from finishing.
“What is it?” I pivot slightly so I can see her better.
Her eyes search mine and she bites at her lower lip. “I, umm, you don’t have to sit on my floor. You can lay up here with me. Will you stay on top of the blankets and I’ll stay underneath. Does that sound all right? You can’t sleep on my floor.”
I answer her by moving. I lay down so slow and so careful behind her and then I drape my arm over her cocooned body. Our heads share her pillow as we both lay on our sides. I try to memorize everything about her that I can see and feel. Her hair is a wave of black silk flowing across her neck and down over a shoulder. The curve of her hip is accentuated by the thick bedspread. I restrain myself from pulling her in close. She doesn’t want to be alone and neither do I. I also don’t want to do anything I might regret, worse than what I’ve already done. Will she understand my actions after she passes? Will she forgive me when I have to escort her to the afterlife? I let the concerns I have fall away. She will live. All that can be dealt with tomorrow. In the shadows of the small flame I feel as if we’re an extension of the music playing; a combination of perfect notes finding harmony in the ethereal and physical worlds.
Her breathing slows and deepens and I think she’s asleep again but she isn’t. One last worry needs to be released before she will rest.
“What happens when people die?”
It shouldn’t have surprised me. She tunes into things most people are unaware of, but it still shook me a little. “We change, that’s all.” If I can’t change her future the way I intend to, then I’ll have unlimited time to answer questions, but for now when sleep is calling her, I want to keep it brief.
“Into what?”
“Someone without the burdens of life.”
“How do the people who are left behind survive?” Her words are choked with misery.
“Shhh, now. You know you’re already doing it.” I pause wishing I could take away her loss, but even I can’t do that. “Right now, put all your worries to the side and let sleep heal you.”
“I can’t lose him too…” is what I think she says. She’s worrying about her brother again.
I don’t respond with words. I adjust my lower arm so my hand is on her back. My upper arm lies over her side. One thing I can do is share my energy with her, like when I touched her ankle. I’m not sure how long I can sustain it but it should help her find some peaceful rest. Please let me able to endure until she is sound asleep, I pray.
She shocks me this time, a full blown electrocution.
“Are you my angel?” she mumbles into her pillow.
I’m beyond able to answer, but I don’t have to. She’s asleep.
Chapter Twenty: Haunting
Juliana
Under the moonlight, Ashley’s body glows white against the black ground. Giant trees surround the clearing, their tops like serrated spearheads, forming an inescapable barrier. Lights flash and dance inside the trees, making me feel as if I’m spinning. A snow white owl watches my every move from the r
oof of a nearby building. I want to get away but I can’t leave her. Deep inside I know it’s too late to help her but I have to keep trying. I try to drag her body away from the eerie water, where white wispy things are edging closer and closer, but she’s too heavy.
“Go away! Just leave us alone!” I yell in desperation at the swirls which are somehow flowing and changing into familiar shapes as they move closer. I look back down at Ashley. Why won’t she move? Why is she so heavy? Her underwear is no longer a small pink triangle of fabric but has morphed into a pair of plaid boxer shorts which look oddly familiar. That doesn’t make sense. I glance up the length of her body to a face, but it isn’t her face anymore and I scream.
“No!” I yank on his shoulders. He’s even heavier than she had been. The things in the water are to his feet now. “Jared!” I yell at his unconscious body. My eyes search the night for any sign of help. Movement from the building gives me a spark of hope, until I recognize Mason. “Jared, Jared, get up!” Mason steps into the moonlight and he’s not alone. He has his arm wrapped around my father’s shoulders and he smiles at me. It’s a sick and evil grin filled with missing teeth. My dad doesn’t see me. I suck in my breath and try to heave Jared’s body with all my strength. We have to get away from this hell. I try again and again and then the owl flies over and lands next to me and my brother. Its yellow eyes stare straight into mine. I think it’s about to tell me something I don’t want to know and then I wake up.
My chest is tight. It constricts my breath. My heart pounds in my ears. I recognize my room at once. Then I see I’m alone. I roll over onto my side, curl into the smallest ball my body is capable of and hug myself until the shaking stops and my breath is relatively even. Every time I close my eyes I see images from the dream posted on the back of my eyelids so I stare at the wall and refuse to blink. When I’m able to take a normal deep breath without any restriction I begin to stretch out under my blanket and I hear words coming to me. I sit up and reach for my backpack looking for my pen and some paper. My notebook sits open on the end of my bed and I grab it trying to get the words on paper before I forget them.
I scribble them down as they flow from my brain and out of my hand.
He’s a shadow moving just out of sight
Through heaven’s gate and into my night
Lingering mysteries in words plain and true
Why is he always hiding from you
Once he’s come into my life
The borders are crossed and we begin the strife
We listen quietly to each other’s sorrows,
Then he whispers my name,
and tells me again,
there will be a tomorrow.
Satisfaction doesn’t come with the last lines. There is more here. I’m missing a piece, but I feel the stall of creativity like an empty white room in my head so I scratch with my pen, Where do goodbyes live?
I lay the notebook to the side and try not to be confused by Nathan’s silent departure. He was a blanket of protection last night and had been the only way I was able to sleep. Even with the tea and the comfort of being home, the night’s drama had me reeling with… fear. I was afraid of what I witnessed. Life felt too fragile last night and the old pain from losing my dad had unearthed itself like a zombie rising from its grave. Revisiting that level of hurt is too scary.
I guess my subconscious could feel it too. For reasons I can’t explain, I know the dream started after Nathan left.
A light tapping on my door startles me from my brooding. I rub my face with my palms and then use my fingers to comb my hair. “Yeah?”
“Can I come in?” a soft voice says.
Mom, not Nathan. “Yeah, come in.”
“Morning.”
“You look tired.” I can see every tiny line around her eyes and the shadows beneath them are a soggy gray. She looks older today and it disturbs me so I look down at her feet. She shuffles into my room wearing her fluffy red slippers.
She sits down on the edge of my bed and stares out into space. Her hair is mussed on one side and it makes me reach up to my own again, thinking it’s probably in a similar state. My mom is the source of my pale as a pilgrim in winter white complexion and my green eyes. But my hair came from my father. Mom’s is brown. She wears it shoulder length and it’s smooth some days and fluffy on others, depending on the humidity.
“I’m exhausted. I worked late again.”
“Has it been raining?”
“Pretty frizzy?” she asks as her hand pats down the hairs sticking up on the back of her head.
She knew where my remark had come from. “It’s not too bad,” I tell her.
Mom usually sleeps all day after working graveyard shift, so I assume she wants something but she isn’t in a hurry to get to it. Too bad.
“It’s not raining,” she says while turning to look out of my window. “Later today, I think.” She turns to meet my eyes then. They fill with tenderness as she watches me. “I can tell something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I give her a noncommittal shrug and then I stare down into my lap.
“Does it have anything to do with Ashley Johnson?”
“Partly,” I admit. Of course this is what she wants to talk about. “Did you see her come into the hospital last night?”
“Yes. I stayed with her until her parents came. They were out of town and couldn’t make it in until this morning.”
“Really?” That seems extra sad to me. “Maybe if she’d been with them none of this would’ve happened.”
“I’m sure her parents are thinking the same thing.”
I wasn’t sure where my mom was going with this but I figured she needed to see her own kids after watching someone else’s lie in a coma.
“Is Jared home?” I ask.
“No. I was just going to ask if you know where he is.”
“No, I don’t,” I say, frowning. “He’s probably at Caleb’s,” I guess. Nathan said he saw him leave before I got home, but I didn’t want to tell her because I would have to explain who Nathan was, and I don’t want to do that either.
“Well, I wanted to talk to you both.” She takes a deep breath and blows it out in a long sigh.
Here it comes, the heart of the matter, what she really wants to talk about.
“They did a drug screen on Ashley. We had to find out what happened to her so we could treat her.”
My mom has my complete attention. I didn’t know what had caused her seizure and collapse either. I only knew it was horrible.
“The lab found methamphetamines and alcohol.” My mom watches me closely as she says this.
“Whoa,” I say under my breath. I’m not completely shocked but I try to sound as if I am for my mother’s sake.
“Her brain hemorrhaged. She also had a congenital heart problem, probably something undetected from birth. The stress on her system from the drugs mixed with alcohol, and she was swimming too. The combination was too much. It killed her.”
“So, she’s dead,” I whisper, as I recall what Chris told me.
My mom’s face screws up into mild confusion at my remark but she goes on to explain. “Ashley’s brain sustained too much damage. It’ll be up to her parents to take the final step. They were going to do it today.”
I swallow hard and can’t come up with an appropriate response to that kind of reality.
After a short silence, I confess. “I was there last night, Mom.”
“I figured as much. Your brother too?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t do anything, did you?”
She meant drugs, but like using the word ‘it’ for having sex, ‘do anything’, meant do drugs.
“No,” I answer with as much sincerity as I can in a single word.
Her shoulders sink in visible relief as she lets out her breath again. “It wasn’t you I was worried about so much. Your brother…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, only shakes her head a little.
&n
bsp; I bite my lower lip and nod my understanding. She knows I’m against all drugs and she also knows how wild Jared can be. I won’t say anything to her about Jared yet. My loyalty is still with him, at least until I can talk to him again.
“Carrie Calloway,” She looks at me for recognition, and I nod again, “turned in the names of the two drug dealers to the police, a Mason, and the other one is Fredrick.”
She’s watching my reaction again.
I raise my eyebrows in astonishment at Carrie’s boldness but I quickly change my face to uncertainty. “Wow, I hope they get caught soon.” And, I hope my mom is buying it. I want Mason to get arrested and imprisoned forever, if possible, but I don’t want her to see anything else in my see-through face, like my own feelings about the maniac sleazebag.
“It’s been a rough night,” she says.
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
She leans over and hugs me. “I’m sorry about your friend.”
I don’t bother to correct her. She doesn’t need to hear that Ashley Johnson wasn’t my friend. I just say, “Thanks.”
She yawns into a soft fist. “Let me know if Jared comes home.”
“Sure.”
She leaves my room and as she turns into the hallway I see she’s outlined in rosy pink with white, gold, and orange. I even see a hint of spring green. The colors of her aura blend like a water color garden. It’s new and yet so familiar. She’s so beautiful I want to weep.
Suddenly seeing my mom in a new light makes me wonder if I can see my own aura. I’m aware my bladder needs emptying so I get up and go look in the bathroom mirror. I think I might find some insight to my new found awareness but instead I find a horror show. I can’t accept the first glimpse so I close my eyes against the view. A couple of weary breaths later and I groan and face, no pun intended, myself. My eyes are bloodshot and so puffy they could have been mistaken for mushrooms. This is enhanced with a dozen or so inflamed red dots from my right temple down to my jaw line. That must have been from the juniper bush I fell on. I look at my palm remembering how it felt last night to be poked by a thousand fragrant needles at once, and find similar red dots there. The fall was caused by my run in with a dead tree. I hold my bangs back to inspect the three inch scratch and the chunk of skin missing from my forehead. I brush my bangs back into place and I’m absurdly pleased to see that my hair hides my forehead pretty well. I don’t want to do it but I can’t resist a look down at my knees. I knew my jeans had finally given out and torn last night but I wasn’t sure if my kneecaps had survived the fall or not. With relief, all I find is minor scratches and bruises. My ankle feels as if nothing had happened, which is bizarre because it had been the worst thing of all.
Death Lies Between Us (An Angel Falls Book 1) Page 22
