by Lisa Edward
Cole was fiddling with his glass, rolling it between his hands. “I do,” he said quietly. “My biggest regret is Paris.” His eyes rose to meet mine.
I was really not enjoying this game at all.
“I screwed up big time in Paris and it still eats at me, knowing that I hurt you so much.”
I gave him a sad smile, not really wanting to relive it again.
“What happened in Paris?” Nicole asked excitedly. She was leaning forward, hanging on Cole’s every word.
Cole shook his head at her.
“You have to give details or it doesn’t count.”
“So I’ll drink. You win with your boob story, Nic.”
“What did happen in Paris?” Marcus asked more seriously, obviously not prepared to drop it. “We all knew something had changed between you two, but we didn’t know why.”
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled slowly, giving myself time to sum it up in as few words as possible. “We fooled around a bit. Riley Skyped me, which upset Cole, so he went out, picked up two girls, brought them back to the apartment and shagged them while I hid in the bathroom.” I raised my glass. “Drink!”
Throwing my head back, I squeezed my eyes closed as the tequila burnt my throat. When I opened my eyes, no one else was drinking. Instead, Nicole leaned over and whacked Cole in the arm.
“What the hell were you thinking? You’re lucky she’s still talking to you!” Nicole chastised.
“I wasn’t thinking, that was the problem. I just reacted really, really badly.” Cole gave me a sad look. “I didn’t actually sleep with them,” he said softly, “I mean, hardly anything happened.”
My head snapped around to look at him. “What do you mean? I heard you from the bathroom until I managed to get my headphones in and drown it out. It didn’t sound like nothing.”
Cole picked up his glass and did the shot. He turned to face me, holding my hands in his. “I want you to just listen so I can get this out, okay? We should have cleared the air about this ages ago.”
I nodded.
“When I left the apartment you were talking to Riley about getting married and having babies. It ripped my heart out, Tara. I went for a drink, and that’s where I met the girls. When they heard I was having girlfriend issues—”
“I wasn’t your girlfriend.”
“No interrupting remember, just listening,” he told me.
Sighing, I nodded again.
“They decided to buy me a few drinks, and a few more. The more I drank, the more it played on my mind. I was sure when I got back to the apartment you would tell me the entire trip to Paris had been a mistake, and you were madly in love with Riley.”
“But—”
He held up his finger to silence me. I huffed and closed my mouth again.
“So I brought the girls home.” He looked down at my hands, stroking the backs of them with his thumbs. “That was a fucking huge mistake.” Raising my hands to his lips, he kissed the knuckles of each softly. “Then I saw how worried you were about me, and how upset you were that the girls were there.”
I saw Nicole move out the corner of my eye, but I couldn’t shift my gaze from Cole’s tormented face.
“I wanted them to go. I could hear you bawling your eyes out and I just wanted them to leave.” He ran his hand through his hair. “They left after about ten minutes.”
“But I was in the bathroom for a lot longer than ten minutes before you came in.”
He puffed out his cheeks. “Yeah, I sat on the couch for a while, going over everything in my head. I was pretty wasted and really, really confused.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t understand how you could be talking about getting married to him, and be upset with me.”
My head was spinning. “Why would you let me think you had slept with them? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You told me you thought you were in love with me, but you really hated me.” He looked down at the pink scars on his knuckles that were a constant reminder of that night in Paris. “I tried to tell you. I told you I couldn’t stay hard. You didn’t want to talk about it.”
My heart was racing. I didn’t know if I was relieved or furious with him for not telling me sooner.
“Truth is, the intention was there at first, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to tell you but, then you let it go and we agreed to move on, so I didn’t want to bring it up again.”
Cole’s thumbs were still stroking my hands, and I watched the circular motion until my vision blurred with tears.
“I was in love with you, even back then,” I finally said. “But we weren’t together, so you were free to do whatever you wanted.”
He brushed my hair back off my face. “I was in love with you too, that’s why I was so hurt, and why I reacted so badly. I thought we were finally getting somewhere, and in a matter of minutes it all fell apart.”
I nodded. I had always known the motivation behind it. Leaning forward, I kissed him softly on the lips. “What’s past has passed. I forgive you, but I don’t ever want to talk about this again.”
“We need a different game,” Marcus said, breaking the tension in the air. “You choose one, Tara.”
The only game I knew was called Never Have I Ever, so we decided to play that.
We topped up our shot glasses again. Cole took my hand, pulling it towards him and resting it in his lap. I looked up at him. He smiled sheepishly, leaned over and kissed me gently, longingly on the lips.
“I’m starting,” Nicole said loudly. “Never have I ever kissed Cole.”
Laughing, I stopped kissing Cole and drank.
“Never have I ever played the piano,” Marcus said, grinning.
Cole and I chinked glasses and drank.
This was better, harmless. I could manage this game.
“Never have I ever seen Marcus naked.” Cole laughed.
Nicole and I both drank.
“I knew it!” Cole exclaimed, pointing at me.
“Never have I ever seen Tara naked,” Marcus countered.
Nicole and Cole drank.
“When did you see Tara naked?” Cole asked, eyebrows raised.
“We got changed in the same room one time when we were going out. Anyway, you’re not supposed to ask for more details. Play on.”
“Never have I ever had sex in the backseat of a car,” I said.
Nicole rolled her eyes at me. “Boring!”
They all drank.
Marcus had a cheeky grin on his face. He was up to something.
“Never have I ever had sex with an older woman.”
Cole drank.
“Never have I ever had a threesome.”
Cole drank.
“Never have I ever had sex with more than five hundred girls.” Nicole giggled.
Cole drank.
“Never have I ever had sex with a mother and daughter … at the same time.”
Cole drank. “Change the subject to knitting or something, I’m getting hammered here,” he joked, slurring his words.
Nicole and Marcus laughed, but I wasn’t laughing, I was horrified. Having a past was one thing, but his past was so much more coloured than I could ever have imagined.
“Never have I ever had sex with a mate’s mum,” Marcus said, tears of laughter running down his cheeks.
Cole shook his head. I was sure that was the end of the run of drinking for him.
He picked up his glass and threw it back.
“Oh my God,” Marcus exclaimed. “Your life is like a movie! A fucking awesome movie!”
“More like a porn movie.” Nicole cackled, wiping her eyes.
My jaw clenched. My molars grinding together.
“Okay, okay,” Nicole said, trying to compose herself. “Never have I ever had sex in a room full of people, in front of everyone.”
Cole threw his head back and laughed, then picked up his glass and did the shot.
I couldn’t watch any longer. I didn’t want to make a scene, but my blood was boiling. This was ridic
ulous.
“Never have I ever wanted to go back to living my old life,” I spat out through clenched teeth.
Taking Cole’s shot glass, I slammed it down in front of him, spilling it over the table. “Drink!”
A look of confusion passed over Cole’s face, but I’d had enough. I stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door and locking it behind me.
Sliding down the door, I buried my face in my hands as tears of anger, frustration, or maybe fear of the inevitable ran down my cheeks.
How can I compete with that?
Footsteps approached in the hallway, then someone turned the doorknob, trying to open it.
“Tara, open the door, babe.” Cole knocked, waited, and then knocked again. “Come on, babe, it’s a game, just a bit of fun. Tara?” He banged on the door again, this time more urgently. “Tara, let me in. Come on, babe, talk to me, please.”
I could hear the desperation in his voice as he realised I wasn’t going to open the door. I could also hear the alcohol had taken effect, as his speech slurred and slowed.
Then I heard him slide down the other side of the door, before speaking quietly. “Tara, it was a long time ago, a lifetime ago. It doesn’t mean anything.”
There was silence for a few minutes and I thought he’d gone. I went to get up. I needed to stand under the shower to clear my head. All I could think about were the scenarios that Cole had had to drink to. All those things Marcus and Nicole had named were probably just the tip of the iceberg.
“Tara, please let me in so we can talk about it,” he pleaded. “I can make you feel better,” he mumbled so I could barely hear him. “That’s what I’m good at.”
I could hear rustling on the other side of the door.
“That’s okay, baby, you come out when you’re ready. I’ll just wait here for you,” a muffled voice said under the door.
Was he lying down?
I couldn’t deal with him right now. As quietly as possible, I got up and went into the bathroom to take that shower. There was some serious soul searching that needed to be done as over and over, all I could think about was what he was used to, and what he was now settling for.
How could he be happy with just me when he was used to living every guy’s dream? I’d seen firsthand how girls threw themselves at him, but the extent of it and what his life had been like before me was unfathomable. Being with one girl, with me, must be completely inadequate when you were used to being with different girls every night. As Nicole had stated, I was boring!
“Variety is the spice of life,” I muttered under my breath as I dried myself off.
Eventually he would grow tired of being with only me and crave his old life. Would he cheat? In my heart of hearts I didn’t think he would. More than likely he would try his hardest to stay faithful, and become miserable in the process. We would drift apart and he would go back to having fun.
So that was it. I had to end it now before either of us got in too deep.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t get any deeper. This was the love of my lifetime, and I was ready to give up and throw it all away because I was afraid of being hurt.
“Argh …” I threw myself back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
I had to fight, but more importantly, I had to trust him.
“Let the chips fall where they may,” I said out loud to the empty room. “I can’t give him up.” But I needed to be certain that this was the life he wanted.
Opening the door, I took one step and went stumbling over something, tripping and landing heavily on my knees.
What the heck?
Cole sat up, a little dazed. “You okay, babe?” He crawled over to me and started rubbing my knees.
“Why are you lying out here on the floor?” I said, more sharply than intended, pushing his hands away. “We have more bedrooms in the house. You could have used one of them.”
“I was worried you’d get up and leave in the night, and I wouldn’t know.”
“I wouldn’t be the one leaving, Cole. It’s my house.”
Falling over in the dark had given me a fright, and I needed to calm down. Standing awkwardly, I shuffled over to the lounge room and sat heavily on the couch.
Cole sat warily beside me. His eyes were red, and he stank of stale alcohol.
“How much more did you drink after I went to bed?” I asked him.
He nodded towards the coffee table we had been sitting around, the empty tequila bottle and five empty beer bottles his only answer. As he sat beside me, swaying back and forth, I realised there would be no point trying to talk to him tonight.
Just as I was about to stand, he reached out his hand, pulling me towards him, trying to tuck me in under his arm.
“Cole, I’m going back to bed. Why don’t you get some rest? We can talk in the morning.”
“Stay with me.” He pulled me back, his usually smooth movements jerky and uncoordinated. We banged heads.
“Okay, I’m going before I end up in hospital,” I told him, rubbing my now throbbing forehead.
His eyes were glassy, and I wasn’t sure how much of what was happening he would even remember in the morning.
“Goodnight, Cole.” Standing, I turned back towards the bedroom.
“I’ve loved you from the day I saw you at the gym, you know.” Cole had already laid down on the couch, as he tried to focus on me. “All those girls, I can’t remember their faces. Probably never knew their names. They served a purpose, but they never touched me here.” He put his hand over his heart. “You own this, that’s what matters.”
Sighing, I sat back down on the edge of the couch. Cole lifted his torso so I could lean back, then he laid his head in my lap. I stroked his hair and a few moments later his eyes were closed, his breathing steady. He was asleep.
THE RISING sun shining through the window hit me directly in the eye. I moved my body to angle it away from the light and Cole stirred, before his hand slid over my thigh.
A sly smile tipped the corner of his mouth. “Good morning, babe. I feel like crap, but you feel amazing,” he croaked.
I couldn’t help chuckling. “I’m not surprised you feel like crap. You drank enough for ten men last night. All those shots …” I wanted to jog his memory to see how much he could remember.
His hand left my thigh and went to his forehead where he rubbed it, trying to erase the hangover. His brow furrowed. “That’s right.” He sat up with a groan. “We have some talking to do. Let me jump under the shower.” He stood, his legs a little wobbly. “Would you mind making coffee? I think I’ll need a couple of cups.”
By the time Cole emerged from the bedroom, he was scrubbed clean and looked refreshed. He’d shaved, and was wearing his butt-hugging jeans, and my favourite forest-green Jag T-shirt that set off his emerald eyes to perfection.
I smirked to myself. He’d obviously put some thought into his attire, but I was determined that the fact that he looked like an Adonis wasn’t going to put me off the things we needed to discuss.
Putting the coffee cups down on the table, I settled back into the couch. Cole took that as his cue to come over, and he sat beside me, taking my hand in his.
“What do you want to ask me? You can ask anything, and I’ll answer it as honestly as possible.”
What did I want to know? The first question that came screaming to mind was, “How could you?” but I didn’t think that would go down terribly well.
“I guess it just bothers me that after everything you’ve done …” I looked at him, remembering all the shots he’d had to drink the night before. “… how can you be happy—no, not even happy—how can you be satisfied with only being with me, doing what we do? You’re used to a smorgasbord, and I’m …” I shrugged. “… I’m like bread.”
He leaned back into the couch, one arm resting along the back behind me. “I’ve told you before that it didn’t matter what I tried, I couldn’
t feel anything, I was numb to everything. All that stuff that was brought up last night, it all happened years ago when I was pretty much out of control.” He ran his hand through his hair as he paused to gather his thoughts. “Meeting Jay about five years ago got me seriously focused on music again. It gave me a purpose, an outlet and a way to express myself.” The hand resting behind me stroked my shoulder absentmindedly. “Meeting you changed my life. It was everything I’d heard about, everything I’d wanted but never dared to dream about for myself.”
A door down the hall opened, making me turn towards it, where I saw Nicole’s head poke out quickly.
“Everything all right?” she called.
Waving, I tried to smile. “We’re fine, thanks.”
“Can we grab a coffee, or do you want us to hide out in here for a while longer?”
I laughed. “That’s fine, come out.” I turned to Cole. “We can talk later.”
He shook his head. “It’s fine. You’ll probably tell them everything anyway.”
They came out, Nicole wrapped in a robe, Marcus in his boxers. While pouring coffee, they whispered animatedly to each other before turning and smiling at us, then sitting down, snuggled together on the couch opposite.
Cole kissed my shoulder. “You’re not bread, babe. If you want to talk food, you’re like the most exquisite delicacy money can buy.” He kissed my shoulder again. “Anything else?” he whispered. “I want this finished with once and for all.”
“Some of the things you’ve done really shocked me. I mean, sleeping with a mate’s mother, for goodness sakes. What were you thinking?”
“It’s funny how it’s assumed that because I’m the guy, I instigated everything, or seduced the poor defenceless women.”
“What happened?” I asked warily.
“I was young.”
“How young?”
He gave me a sad smile. “Too young. You know my mum’s about as loving as a dead fish, so I used to spend a lot of time at a mate’s house. His dad had left a few years before, but his mum was really nice. She’d make us a snack when we got back from school and sit down and talk to us about our day. Normal mum stuff.”
Our coffee had gone cold, but Cole still drank his, grimacing at the taste.
“Anyway, she started becoming a bit more affectionate towards me as I hit my mid-teens. Just simple stuff, like she started hugging me hello and goodbye, or she’d brush my hair back, or touch my arm. She told me to call her Angela instead of Mrs Richardson.”
