by Ashley Beale
Tanner drops me back off at Clay’s house and I’m thankful that no one is home to see so. He grins at me when he parks his pickup. “I hope to see you soon.”
I can’t help but bite at my bottom lip just thinking about the next time. “I’m sure you will. Thank you, Tanner.”
Did I just thank him for screwing me? Ugh! I’m a whole new level of pathetic.
I reach for the handle to open the door and give him one last smile before hopping out. He speeds off once I make it to the house. Thankfully I know where the spare is, so I unlock the door and quickly make my way to the backroom where I can change into different clothing.
Just as I sit down on their couch, the doorbell rings and I sigh, annoyed I can’t even relax for a minute. Then again, I should be used to not having that chance.
Opening the door, I’m nearly knocked on my ass as Zander comes rushing in, past me, looking like he is fuming about something. I’m actually shocked there isn’t steam coming from his ears. He spins around and as I open my mouth to ask him ‘what the hell,’ he grabs my face between his hands and pushes his lips into mine.
Oh hell no.
All is fair in love and war.
-John Lyly
I’m not sure at first if I should push him away or pull him closer. In fact, I’m so confused, the only thing I can do is stand here. This isn’t supposed to be happening, but it’s a dream I’ve had continuously over the last nine years.
Finally, as my brain clears up from the moment of shock, I push at Zander’s chest and work my jaw back and forth. What was he thinking? He can’t do that! He is about to get married. Plus, I just- whoa, am I a whore? I just had sex a few hours ago. Oh God no!
“I’m sorry,” he hurries up and says.
“What the hell was that?” is my only response.
He shakes his head back and forth before he turns his body around. I can see him rubbing his palms up and down his face. I’m not going to lie, as I watch him working out the stress in his head and body, my eyes travel to that perfectly round, tight behind. His jeans are so tight, I’m not even sure how he slides into them. The fact they’re filthy and worn just makes the situation all the better.
As I notice him turning back to face me, my eyes spring up until they’re met with his again. I don’t think he noticed me checking him out, and that makes me extremely thankful.
“Fuck,” he says. Apparently he didn’t work out his stress completely. “I really am sorry, Lexi. The second I saw you in that store, it was like my heart started working again. I didn’t realize how lost I was until I found you again. I can barely look at Emerson, even though, yes, I love her so much, but you and I…” His hand comes out and indicates the two of us, but then he just shakes his head and doesn’t say anything.
Surprising myself, I find my voice and say what I find to be true. “Look, Zander, we were young. We had a great connection with one another, we loved one another, and we were each other’s first. I’m not sure about you, but I believed I’d be with you forever. We’re connected in ways people don’t understand. Not only are we each other’s first, but we have a child together. You may have just found out, but it’s the truth nonetheless. Plus, we never got closure. I’m going to make this right between us, but you’re about to get married and you can’t keep kissing me.” Even if I absolutely crave more of your lips.
His head just kind of bobbles as he listens to me keenly. “I’m sorry for kissing you, Lexi. I’m sorry for the way I reacted yesterday, too.”
I take a step forward and grab one of his hands within mine. “He is such a good kid, Zander. He is a genius, he passes all his classes no problem and studies hard. He is involved in almost all the sports he can get into. He doesn’t sneak out, drink, do drugs, and he is very open with me about everything. You’d be so proud of him.” My throat closes up as I realize that I could have given Zander all the pride I have felt all these years. He missed out on all the important firsts and he didn’t get to teach him to toss a ball or swing a bat. I thought I was a great mom, but reality is a bitch, because I was anything but. I was scared, and because of that both Justin and Zander suffered.
Zander’s eyes water and he turns his head from me as he blinks a few times. When his gaze is fixated on mine once again, he slowly smiles. “I didn’t handle things well, but I walked out back and saw him staring at me. I just knew, Lexi. I felt a connection between him and I, and I stared at him, memorizing all his features. I can’t lie, it hurt me a lot. I felt like there was some sordid joke and everyone knew but me.”
“No, Zander, no one knew.”
“Yeah, I get that,” he says quickly.
We both pause and the only thing you can hear is our breathing. My heart thumps a little harder, not just in my chest but in my ears as well. Not sure what more to say, besides apologizing, I simply say, “if I knew then what I know now, I would have never left.”
He walks over and wraps me in his arms. “Lexi, don’t. Please. Don’t hate yourself for this. I’m still angry, but it isn’t going to change things now. Can I- Can I be introduced to him?”
My heart swells in an instant. I nod my head against his chest as tears start falling from my eyes. Cue the damn tears, again.
“He is working with Gunner all week long on the ranch, but I’d really like to maybe do dinner one night this week, if that is okay?” I pull away just enough I can look up to him, hoping he doesn’t break contact with me yet. “I think tonight and tomorrow night he’ll be too exhausted from the sudden hard work and long hours.”
He smiles down at me, his eyes still holding back liquid, and he closes them as he brings his lips to my forehead. They lay placed there a few moments and we both enjoy the moment. The simple moment that I believe us both truly deserve together.
“Can we catch up sometime?” he asks. The sudden question has my heart going crazy in an instant. That poor muscle is working harder than ever in these past few days.
Still not wanting to pull away from Zander’s embrace, I say against his smelly, dirty shirt, “Yeah. I’d like that, a lot actually.”
“So how was your first day on the job?” I sit on the edge of Justin’s bed and watch him get things gathered for tomorrow.
With a bright smile on his face, he turns to me and tells me all about his day. Its like he was meant for that kind of life style. My heart warms watching his expression as he tells me both fascinating and gory details about the farm work done. Between cleaning up cow patties, to feeding piglets with bottles, to stacking hay bales, it didn’t matter what he did today, he was happy to have done so. His favorite thing was driving the tractor, mostly because he was completely trusted to do so.
We talk for well over twenties minutes about his day, and he reassures me that he is more than willing to work full time there all week. Once I lay into him about not feeling pressured to work there, and continuously staying hydrated, and all the motherly things, I finally decide to tell him the news I’ve been anticipating since Zander showed up earlier.
“Can you sit down for a minute, Justin?”
He pulls the computer chair up and sits across from me, finally done with his sorting of clothing and such for the week. “Yeah?” he asks simply.
“I talked to uh,” do I say dad or Zander? Think, Lexi, think. Ah, hell. “Your dad today.”
Justin’s eyes widen and I’m not sure if its in fear, excitement, happiness, or a mixture of it all. “Oh,” he finally says.
“First, let me say I’m sorry Justin. I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish and have waited so long to introduce the two of you. Heck, to even tell him about you. I’m sorry. I don’t think I can say it enough.”
“Mom, its okay.”
“No, sweetie, its really not. I do thank you for being such a wonderful son to me though. For trying to be understanding of it all.” I place my hand on his cheek and smile at his kindness and thoughtfulness. I’m honestly not sure where he got that from but I’m thankful as can be that I can call him my own.
Placing my hands back on my lap, I look down at them for a moment before looking him in the eyes. I continue with my speech, getting everything out there. “He was a little intimidated yesterday, seeing you all of a sudden, but he came and saw me today. He says he really wants to meet you, to get to know you, be a part of your life. He knows it’ll take time, but one night this evening we’d like to have dinner, the three of us, and that way you will feel comfortable speaking to him for the first time.”
Justin’s eyes light up and he smiles so wide, you’d think I told him he was going to Disney World. He stands up and wraps me in a hug so tight, I want to cherish this moment for eternity. I don’t think I’ve ever received a better hug, and I’m not sure I ever will. “I love you, Justin,” I tell him.
“I love you more, mom.” We sort of sway until he pulls back away from me. “I’m really excited mom, but I’m also exhausted. Can I please go to sleep right now?”
I stand up and flick the end of his nose. “Of course. Sweet dreams.” I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me and I stand paused in the hallway a moment, a smile on my face. Everything has gone so much better than I expected. That thought unsettles my stomach though, because I know my life. I know that things don’t go smoothly. I don’t want to know when this high ride I’m on comes to an end and reality sinks its teeth and claws into my skin.
While lying in my bed, book in hand, a knock sounds at the door. I place the novel down and look over to the door as I tell whoever to come in. Faith peeks her head in and smiles. “Hey girl.”
“Hey, come on in.” I sit up straighter and round my legs so they’re crossed, allowing her to sit at the end of the futon. She does just that.
I can see she is trying to hide a smile with her head cocked my way. “Have fun last night?”
My cheeks immediately turn a hue of pink, thinking she somehow found out who I went home with and what I did. Trying to play it cool though, I just nod my head and hold back the smile. “Yeah, it was fun. I’m so glad Bray and I can look past everything.”
“Yeah that is good,” she says. Her lips press together and she raises a brow. Her demeanor is confusing me, and I feel like she really must know something I don’t. Finally she speaks again, letting me know she is on to me. “You know, she called last night to make sure you made it home safely.”
My eyes bulge out of my head. She did not! Oh, Bray, I’m going to kill you. “Oh.” I look down to the book in hand. Faith’s laughter both warms my heart and face. I’m glad she can be so cool about the situation, like she is a real sister that I never had, but I also feel like I’m being judged. Its pretty embarrassing. Again, I’m in a situation I’ve never been in.
Everything since I arrived is like I’ve been put into a portal. I’m not used to crying, or having sex, or being infatuated with not just one guy but two. I can’t even remember the last crush I had, but I think it was about two years ago. I don’t have time for this stuff back at home.
“Hey, don’t be embarrassed,” Faith says lightheartedly. “I’m not judging, I’ve had a few one-nighters myself.” Did she just say… a few? I look up and she is now the one blushing as I laugh softly. “Sometimes they’re the best kind of sex. No feelings, no attachment, just great sex and a ‘see you later’.”
I bite down on my lip to stifle the laugh. Well, at least she has made me feel a lot better about the situation. The thing is though, I think I do have feelings for Tanner. I definitely have some kind of attachment. Not having anyone besides Bray to open up to, and not wanting to tell her I slept with her brother, I decide to open up to Faith about what happened. I just hope she doesn’t run and tell Emerson, or my brother.
“What if I did have feelings?”
She looks to think on the situation. “Is it someone you know? No offense, but it seems awfully soon to have feelings for someone.”
I inhale a large breath and let it out slowly. “Just hear me out, okay?” She nods her head and gives me her full attention, just as any sister or friend would. “I was with Zander for quite a few months when we were little, and the one and only time we had sex- he was my first by the way- was when I got pregnant with Justin.”
“You slept with Zander last night?” she gasps, throwing a hand over her mouth.
I hurriedly shake my head back and forth. “Oh, no, God no. I wouldn’t do that to Emerson. Please, listen.”
“Sorry,” she says and looks it.
“Well, as you now know, when my mom found out I was pregnant, she shipped me off to Ohio. I was so young and confused, and desperate to make a better life for Justin and I, that I put all my efforts into doing just that. Working hard, helping him out, being a parent I never had, a friend I knew he’d need. I put all my focus on him completely, and then my job. Never myself.”
Faith tilts her head and looks to be confused about where this is going and I sort of laugh at that. I finish my story anyways. “I’ve not had a boyfriend, or even a one night stand, nothing, since I left Texas way back when. Last night was the first time I’ve had sex since I was fourteen. Then again this afternoon.” My face is now thirty shades of red, I can feel it, but I keep going. “It was with Tanner. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but he was at the club we went to and we were dancing, and he was well, turning me on, and we just went back to his place without a second thought.”
Her jaw drops and I want to use my finger to close it but I can’t because I’m too busy twisting the blankets in my hands. “Oh shit,” she says.
“Yeah, exactly. I don’t know why but I just felt these feelings for him I have never felt, well, not since Zander. They were different, though. I can’t explain it at all, I wish I could though. Then he came home from work early today and I was so happy that I couldn’t contain my smiles. When he dropped me off here, he said he wanted to hang out again. But I’m scared.”
She reaches over and after yanking the poor blanket out of my hand, she grasps my hand in hers and with a smooth, comforting voice, gives me reason. “Its sort of like losing your virginity. I know you lost it when you were young, but its been a decade since then you’ve experienced anything like that. You basically re-lost it a second time. First off, I’m not going to say how lucky you are, especially between Zander and Tanner.” She winks and smiles before continuing. I just laugh softly and listen to her. “Most girls feel connected to the guy they lose their virginity to. Its very natural. I’m really not surprised at all that you have feelings of some sort. Just clear your head and remember that what you guys have is sexual chemistry. Maybe its more, but then again, maybe its not. Its okay to have that kind of chemistry, in fact, its wonderful and I’m glad you can feel that, but don’t mix those emotions with things like love. Its way too soon for that.”
“You’re right. Thank you. I needed to hear that. Not that I thought I loved him, I don’t think I could ever love anyone but-“ I pause and look away. “But I definitely feel infatuated. I’m lusting after him. Is that wrong?” I turn back to her.
“There is nothing wrong with being in lust.”
I smile at her, feeling much better than I did. So I can have a sexual relationship and lust after Tanner, while secretly loving Zander, even though I know I’ll never have him. Ugh. It’s all my own fault though, so I can’t feel bad for myself. I won’t feel bad for myself.
Faith stands up and starts to walk towards the door. “I’m glad we got to talk,” she says. She turns to look at me with her hand on the knob, not opening the door quite yet. “I’m really glad we can be friends, Lexi. I hope you think about staying around longer, but I understand if you can’t.”
“Yeah, if I wasn’t so invested in my job back home and Justin wasn’t as involved with things at school, I don’t think I’d even question living here. Its nice to know we’re welcomed and loved.”
“Of course you both are, by all of us. You can find a new job and he’d love the schools around here. I was talking about the love of your life marrying someone else. I’m not su
re I’d be strong enough to stick around, either.” With a smile, she opens the door and walks out of the room, closing it behind her.
As soon as it latches I lay back in a huff. Is that really why I don’t want to stay around? Honestly, I don’t even know. However, the second she said that, my heart started pounding harder and I could feel sweat forming on the back of my neck.
The most important thing is to enjoy your life,
To be happy,
It’s all that matters.
–Audrey Hepburn
It’s been two days since I’ve seen or talked to Tanner or Zander. My head has finally started to clear up, especially as I process more of Faith and I’s conversation. With Justin working with Gunner, Clay and Faith at work, Bray dealing with things between her husband and herself, I’ve been left alone a lot.
I talked with Bray last night a little more, and she said that her husband that she was divorcing, has now decided he wants to make things work. She said she wants to stay with him, and I couldn’t be happier, if that is what she really wants. The way she talked about him, they seemed perfect for one another. Apparently this weekend coming up, I’ll get to meet him, so I can decide for myself if he is worthy of Bray.
Currently I’m staring at a text message from Tanner. It’s the third one he has sent in the last forty-eight hours. I haven’t replied to any yet. He wants to hang out tomorrow night and I’m still debating on what to say to him. I’m still debating on if I want to or not. Okay, well, yeah, I want to. I want to very bad. I’m just not sure if its smart. Then I think more about what Faith says, and we do have the sexual chemistry and it is okay to be in lust with someone. Therefore, I should say yes. I just can’t bring my fingers to type out those words.
