“Who needs toenails, anyway?” I said. “You just have to cut ‘em all the time. And it ain’t like I’ve ever been known for good decision-making. So let’s go save Mama.” I started down the hall that we assumed led into the castle, not waiting to see if they followed. They were my best friends; of course they’d follow.
Amy said, “He has a point. If he started making good decisions now, we’d think he was replaced by an imposter.” The others nodded, and they followed me down the hall.
We walked about thirty yards before the hallway ended in a right turn. I figured we’d reached the far wall of the castle, and now we were going to continue circling the keep. I played enough dungeon crawl video games to know how these things lay out.
Of course, I’ve played enough dungeon video games to not be surprised when I turned the corner and came face to face with a faerie, too. This one wasn’t a guard, but she looked to be a maid or some other servant. She was a slight, short woman—maybe five feet tall and a hundred pounds soaking wet. Her eyes went wide when she saw a giant human walking around not in chains, and she opened her mouth to scream. I wrapped my hand around her face, almost completely engulfing her head in my palm, and leaned down to her.
“Please don’t do that,” I whispered. “I’m trying very hard to be quiet, and I really don’t want to hurt you. I will if I have to, and that will make this unpleasant for everyone. Especially you. Now, can you keep quiet?”
She nodded, her eyes watering a little. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or stink, but my money was on terror. I mean, we smelled pretty ripe after being in a dungeon for a couple weeks, but she looked really scared. I took my hand off her mouth and stood up.
Amy stepped forward, holding out her hands so the little faerie could see she was unarmed. “Now, we’re not going to hurt you, okay?”
The serving woman nodded again.
“What’s your name?”
“Elisa.”
“That’s a pretty name. Elisa, do you know where the queen’s daughter is?”
Elisa looked around, fear blossoming back in her face. “I can’t talk about the princess. Her Majesty will be very cross with me if I speak out of turn.”
“We promise not to tell,” Amy said. I just leaned against the wall and cracked my knuckles. It doesn’t take much for me to look intimidating, so I just behaved naturally.
It worked. Elisa’s eyes went wide, and she pointed behind her down the hall. “She’s in the second room down there, right past the wardroom.”
“What’s a wardroom?” Skeeter asked.
“In modern military parlance, a wardroom is a place where officers eat or just hang out,” Joe said. “I assume it means something similar here, although it’s typically used in reference to a ship.”
That’s when the three faeries in armor bearing swords stepped out of the first door down the hall, proving that the wardroom in this castle was pretty much like a wardroom on a ship, only with more swords and nobody dressed like The Village People.
I shoved Elisa to the side and rushed the soldiers, bowling all three of them over with a running clothesline. They fell to the stone hall with a clatter, and I turned and tossed one of them through the open door, taking down another pair of faeries.
“A little help?” I called, bulling my way into the room, dragging the other two struggling officers. Fighting a bunch of armed knights in close quarters would be bad enough, but doing it out in the open would be even worse. I had a size advantage on pretty much everybody, but I had no interest in duking it out with every faerie in the joint.
Joe and Amy ran into the room after me, Joe sliding to the right and Amy moving left to form a triangle blocking the door. Skeeter staggered in a second later, Elisa thrown over one shoulder, kicking and scratching the whole way.
“What the hell did you bring her for?” I asked.
“I couldn’t leave her out there to raise the alarm,” Skeeter said.
“Good point,” I admitted. Then I reached out and thumped the girl on top of one of her pointy ears. “Stop that shit, or I’m going to hit you. If you sit down and shut up, nobody will hurt you. I promise.”
She stopped moving in an instant, and Skeeter dumped her on her butt, then closed the door and wedged it shut. I turned back to the room to see exactly what kind of mess I’d run headlong into this time.
It wasn’t too bad, as Bubba decisions go. There were about ten faeries in the room, and the quarters were so close their swords were useless. That meant that the ones we stole from the dungeon guards were useless, too, though. And all of these guys had daggers. Which they promptly drew.
“Well, this is gonna suck,” I said. Then I took a deep breath and let out a huge roar. I charged the nearest faerie, slamming him into the guy behind him and driving us all into the floor. He was too stunned by my idiotic frontal assault to do anything but drop his knife and fall down, sandwiched between my bulk and the armored officer beneath him. I heard a few things crack as we hit the floor, and the bottom guy’s breath whooshed out of him.
I sprang to my feet, my knees popping like a .22 pistol as I did. The rest of the knights looked at me, their eyes wide as they wondered what the psychotic giant was going to do next. That was exactly the reaction I was looking for, so I gave them what they wanted—something stupid. I bent down and picked up the guy that I’d made into the meat in a Bubba/floor sandwich by his breastplate. I hauled him up in front of my chest and ran forward again, this time using the armored faerie as a battering ram. I slammed his back plate into one dude’s face, crushing his nose and sending him to the floor in a heap. Then I spun to the left, using my cargo’s feet to kick another guy in the face. I spun back around, missed the nearest soldier, and tossed my now-unconscious bludgeon into a pair of faeries drawing their daggers and coming at me from my right side.
Joe and Amy joined the fray, throwing kicks and punches and generally fighting like normal people, instead of like a crazed redneck pro wrestler. Skeeter stayed back, keeping an eye on Elisa and his back pressed to the door. After my initial onslaught, it took less than two minutes to subdue or knock out ten faerie knights, which either said something about the power of humanity, or the fact that no matter how much training you have, you just can’t fight crazy. Take your pick.
We used belts and tore up tabards to tie them all up, and bound Elisa as well. Once we had everybody all tied up and relieved of their weapons, Amy took over.
“Who’s the ranking officer here?” she asked. No answer. She stepped up to one particularly young faerie and sliced off his left ear with a purloined dagger.
“I repeat, who’s the ranking officer here?” Nothing. She stepped down the line to another baby-faced solider, and seconds later, tossed another severed ear over her shoulder. To their credit, the men she cut parts off of didn’t cry out, but the third one did faint when she slapped him in the face with his own pointy ear.
Amy knelt down beside a fourth elf and pressed her blade to the side of his face, but froze when a voice called out, “I am Captain Falarun. I am the senior officer present. Do what you will to me, but harm my men no further.”
Amy wiped her bloody dagger on the man’s leggings and stood, walking over to the guy who called himself Captain Falarun. “You’re in charge?”
He glared up at her, a haughty sneer on his face. “I am.”
“Then why does this guy have more stripes on his shoulder than you?” she asked, kneeling by a man sitting next to Falarun.
Falarun’s eyes widened, and his mouth worked as he tried to speak.
Amy just shook her head at him. “Never mind. That’s what I needed to know.” She grabbed the man with all the stripes on his armor and pulled him to his feet. She yanked him over to a nearby table, and Joe set a chair in front of it. They put the man in the chair, untied his arms, then tied him to the chair.
Amy and I pulled chairs up to the table opposite the prisoner and sat down. “Hi there,” I said. “My name’s Bubba. I think you know my grann
y, Mab. She’s kinda your boss, right?”
The man nodded, but didn’t say a word.
“Good. Now you’re going to tell me everything about this castle’s defenses, and I’m going to restrain Amy here from cutting off any more pieces of your men. You understand me?”
“I will never speak to you, human filth,” the faerie said, then spit in my face.
I didn’t bother to point out the contradiction in him speaking to me to tell me he wasn’t going to speak to me. I just grabbed the top of his head and slammed his face into the table, shattering his nose and sending a spray of blood several feet to either side.
Joe stepped up and pulled the woozy man upright in his chair.
“Now,” I said. “I think we should try that again. Maybe without the spitting.”
3
Half an hour later, I had sore knuckles and a lot more information about the layout of the castle. General Pranthis had a broken nose, two split lips, a black eye, the respect of his men, and quite possibly a ruptured testicle. It was that last gift that made him give up any semblance of resistance and tell us everything we ever wanted to know about Queen Mab’s castle, its inhabitants, and its defenses. All in all, I considered it a fair trade.
“Bubba, that was…extreme,” Skeeter said, stepping up to walk beside me as we headed toward the hidden staircase Pranthis swore led to my mother’s chambers in the keep’s western tower.
“You think that was extreme? Damn, son, don’t you remember what they did to us in the dungeon? I’m pretty sure at least three of those boys in that room helped torture us.”
“Yeah, but they sent in the healer every night,” Skeeter protested.
“Who gives a damn? Knowing we were gonna get healed was just another part of the torture. Every time that healer showed up, it meant we weren’t getting any real time off, we were all just gonna be right back in the shit the next morning. Besides, I didn’t do anything to that dude that I haven’t seen on 24 at least twice.”
“You know that’s a TV show, right?”
“You know we’re in Fairyland, right? How the hell is that different?”
“I kinda gotta give you that one.” He shut up.
We turned a corner, and I held up a hand to slow everybody down. There was a pair of guards walking about ten yards in front of us, heading in the same direction we were. They were talking amongst themselves, and I was pretty sure they hadn’t heard us, but that could change with one wrong step.
“What’s the plan?” Amy whispered in my ear.
“Beat their asses?” I replied.
“Good plan.” She slapped me on the shoulder, and I charged the pair. They heard me, of course—even barefoot running with no armor I still made some noise—but they couldn’t get turned around, process what was happening, and get their weapons drawn before I could cover the distance between us. Like most of the Fae, they were way smaller than me, so when I barreled into them, they went down in a clatter of armor and bruises. I didn’t stop, just went through them and turned around a couple feet past the downed guards.
Amy and Joe were hot on my heels, quickly knocking the men unconscious and stripping them of their weapons and sword belts. “Now what?” Amy asked.
“Huh,” I said. “Yeah, I guess we can’t just leave them out in the hallway, can we?” I turned to the interior wall and tried the nearest door. The knob turned, and the door swung open, revealing a half-dressed faerie woman pulling a dress on over her head.
“Oops,” I said, stepping into the room. I strode across the floor and pushed her down onto the bed, pressing my hand over her mouth. “Bring them in here,” I called out to the others.
Amy shook her head at me as she dragged the first guard into the room. “Why does it not surprise me that you found the one room in the castle with a topless woman in it, Bubba?”
“What can I say? I’ve always been lucky,” I replied with a grin. I pulled enough of the woman’s dress down to give her some semblance of modesty, but I didn’t let her off the bed or take my hand off her mouth long enough for her to scream.
Skeeter followed Amy and Joe into the room, carrying the guards’ equipment, and pulled the door closed. I took my hand off the woman’s mouth, and took a step back. “I’m really sorry,” I said. “But we’re going to have to tie all of you up and gag you. We’re kinda escaping from my granny’s dungeon, and I think it would go badly for us if we just let y’all run around. So…sorry.”
The woman opened her mouth wide like she was about to scream, and Amy stepped forward, slapping her across the face with a loud crack. All the air rushed from the woman’s lungs, and she gaped at Amy, her eyes like saucers.
“Did you miss the part where the really big guy said we were escaped prisoners?”
The woman shook her head, silent.
“Does that make you think that we’re nice people?”
Another head shake.
“Do you see that we’re all carrying swords and knives?”
A nod this time.
“Do you think for one second that I won’t cut you into little pieces?”
Back to a head shake.
“Good. Now sit there and keep your damn mouth shut while we tie these men up and throw them into your closet. Then I’ll tie you up on the bed and make sure you’re relatively comfortable while we go about our business. Is that clear?”
Nod.
“Excellent.” Amy stepped away, then turned back to the terrified faerie. “But if you make so much as a sound, I will cut your throat from ear to ear. So sit there and keep your damn mouth shut.”
I moved over to help her finish tying up the guards. “Damn,” I whispered. “How much of that was for real?”
“Enough that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to test me. Get me out of this castle, Bubba, before I kill somebody. I’m hungry, I’m dirty, and I’m tired of being locked up. Let’s find your mom and get the hell out of here.”
“We still have to find my sister,” I said.
“I know,” Amy said. “But I am not going back to that dungeon. Do you hear me?”
“Loud and clear.”
“How far are we from the entrance to the tower?” Joe asked.
“I think it’s supposed to be around the next corner,” Skeeter replied. I nodded. That fit with my memory of the general’s mumbled directions. Mumbled because I might have knocked out a couple of teeth during our “conversation.”
Joe put on his “take charge” voice, and laid out a plan. “I’m going to go ahead and scout. Bubba, you and Skeeter wait here while Amy and I go check it out. If we run into any guards, one of us will come back to get you.”
“Or you could just deal with it while we wait here in perfect comfort and safety,” Skeeter said. I looked over at him, and he was settled into a plush armchair in the corner of the room with a decanter of wine on one knee and a plate of fruit and cheese on a table beside the chair. He looked like a skinny black kid had been dropped into a painting of the French nobility or something. I had to laugh.
“Don’t get drunk on faerie wine, Skeeter. We might still need your ferocious combat skills before the day is through.”
“Bubba, you know I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
“Exactly. I might have you proposition the next armed guard we come to. The way your love life goes, he’ll run screaming into the night rather than date you.” Skeeter didn’t reply, just drank wine straight from the decanter while flipping me the bird with his other hand.
I turned back to Joe, but Amy was pulling the door closed behind them as they crept out into the hall. With nothing else to do, I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over at Skeeter. “You think we’ll find her?” I asked.
“Your mom or your sister?”
“Mom. Nitalia. Both. Either. Shit, Skeet, I don’t know. Hell, until a couple months ago, I didn’t know I had a sister, now I’ve traveled to a friggin’ magical dimension to save her. Let me correct that—I’ve traveled to a magical dimension aga
in to try and save her. Shit, I didn’t like this place the first time I came here, and now I’m back. If I never see another faerie as long as I live, it’ll be too soon, much less another damn Fairyland dungeon.”
“Another dungeon?” Skeeter asked. “You mean you got locked up the last time you were over here, too?”
I might have glossed over some of the high points of my last trip through the looking glass when I told Skeeter about it. I nodded. “Yeah. I met Titania last time I was here. I kinda shot her cousin; then I killed him in a duel. There was some dungeon time involved in all that.”
“Before or after you killed him?”
“Well…a little of both. I was in the dungeon before I killed him, then I broke back into the dungeon after I killed him to rescue the humans Titania was holding there and free Puck’s girlfriend so they could get married.”
“Bubba,” Skeeter said, setting the decanter of wine down on the table by his fruit tray. “One of these days we’re going to talk about communication and how I need to know what happens when you’re out of my sight.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but the sound of boots running in the hall outside brought me to my feet. The door flung open, and Amy appeared. “Haul ass,” she panted. “We found the stairwell, but the guards found us. Joe’s holding them off, but I don’t know how long that’s gonna last.” She turned and sprinted away, me and Skeeter hot on her heels.
I overtook Amy in a few long strides, then turned the corner and ducked a wild backswing of Joe’s sword. “Whoa, padre!” I yelled.
He faced a pair of guards with daggers, but Joe was holding them off pretty well with his sword. I crouched down on one knee and yelled back to Skeeter, “Ramp it, spider monkey!”
My little buddy rounded the corner at a dead run, took two long, gangly steps, then planted a foot in the middle of my shoulders. I stood up, Skeeter dove forward over Joe’s head in the vaulted hallway, and flew into the guards with a clatter of armor and elbows. Skeeter rolled free, leaving a pair of dazed faeries lying in the middle of the floor.
Monsters, Magic, & Mayhem: Bubba the Monster Hunter Season 4 Page 11
