by Lila Felix
“Ok, tell her ‘Hi’ and after I’m done printing the paper I will come by if I can.”
“It’s fine. Why don’t you come after your shift is over? It will be less busy.”
“Yeah, ok.” She rolled over to my side and buried her face in my pillow as she always did when I got out of bed before her.
I approached the bed and lifted the hem of her shirt the tiniest bit to kiss the small of her back while she slept.
“If you don’t quit it, I’m not going to let you leave and then Sylvia will be pissed.” She mumbled it all through a mouth covered with pillow.
“Ok, ok. See you later. I love you.” I said as I closed her door.
Mom was flipping out when I got there. Thank goodness my brothers and I didn’t go to school until next Monday. Otherwise, she’d be screwed. I started cleaning the dining area and changing table cloths while Falcon and Maddox placed flowers and candles and silverware. By the time Mom came out again the dining room was ready. The customers flowed in like a tidal wave and before I knew it closing time rolled around.
“You have one last table and then we’re done.” Maddox told me.
“Ok, I’ll get it.” I walked up to the table and looked up to see Nellie.
I exhaled and smiled at her. She smiled back and I cleared my throat.
“Ahem, table for one Ma’am?” I cocked my eyebrow at her.
“No, for two—I’m waiting on my fiancé. He’s a very tall, built sexy guy—green eyes, black hair. Have you seen him?” She looked around and checked her watch.
“Ha ha, so funny.” I walked over to peck her on the cheek.
“Sylvia, can’t you please give him a small break?” She looked behind me and I turned to see my mom watching the whole scene.
“Sit down with my favorite daughter Owen; I’ll bring y’all some cheesecake.” She went to the kitchen and I did as I was told.
I sat down next to her and laid my head on the table and she rubbed my neck without being asked.
Mom brought food to the table a few minutes later but I was too tired and had looked at too much food during the day to eat. Once you’ve seen that much food all day the last thing you want to do is eat it.
“Eat Nellie, I’m just exhausted.” I moaned as she moved her massage to my lower back.
“Cindi bought me dinner. I just came to see you.” She said.
“I have to stay and clean up. I’ll be home later.” I slipped and called her apartment home but she never missed a beat.
“Oh no, I’m staying to help.” She got up and I couldn’t let her work by herself. I did, however, watch her for a few minutes just because of the view.
We cleaned up in record time and all closed up together. Nellie got in her car and I got in mine and we both headed back to her apartment. She went straight to the bathroom and came back with three pain relievers and a glass of water.
“Three for the big guy.” She said, “And I’m running you a hot bath.”
“Baths are for chicks.” I laughed at her.
“Just try it for me this one time and I’ll never say anything about it again. It’s like the hot tub. It will relax you. Trust me.”
“Ugh—I don’t think I can get up.” I groaned at her.
“Come on Owen. I’ll help you.”
She led me into the bathroom by the hand and pulled my shirt off. I took my shoes off and then my socks. We locked eyes as the next natural stage of undressing crept up. Her fingers ran down my sides roller coastering up and down my ribs and settled on the waistband of my pants. As the tips of her fingers skimmed the top of my waistband they journeyed to the center. Her stare never faltering she unbuttoned my pants and they fell down and I stepped out of them. My ears pounded from the sound of my heartbeat. Ragged breaths barely escaped my mouth. I wasn’t embarrassed. That wasn’t it at all. It was just a whole new stage of intimacy and it tempted me beyond belief.
She leaned over and kissed me in the middle of my chest and walked out, her hand leaving a trail across my abdomen as she walked away.
“Enjoy the hot bath and relax.” She said while the door closed.
I shucked the shorts and stepped into the hot water. I lay back in the tub and of course she was right. It felt so good on my tired muscles. Before I knew it, my eyes were closing on me.
There was a knock on the door but at this point I had no energy left to answer her.
I heard the creak of the door as it opened.
“Come on Owen, don’t drown on me. Get out.” I opened my eyes and she had her whole head turned as much as it would and a monster towel held out in front of her. Her eyes were closed so tight I doubted she’d be able to open them ever again.
I got out of the tub and felt like a skeleton covered with Jell-O, my muscles melting off of me. I reached out for the towel and she turned her back while I wrapped it around my waist.
“Clothes on the counter.” She called as she left me again.
I got dressed and walked out of the bathroom. I hadn’t bothered with the pajama pants or the shirt. I got into the bed and Nellie was already lying facing my side of the bed.
“Well, was I right or was I right?” I knew she couldn’t help but gloat over the bath thing.
“You were right. It was a long day. How was yours?”
“It was alright. I taught Ayden how to attach a file to an email. He didn’t even have a pass to get into the computer lab at the library. I know he’s new to this school and all but jeez.”
I stiffened at the mention of his name. I didn’t even know why this was worrying me so bad. Something about his name gave me the creeps. It seemed familiar but I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to be filled with jealousy. And I didn’t want to admit to myself how much I was comparing this situation to Amy and Lucas. It was like my brain played the reel of the relationship as background noise and it just wouldn’t stop. I hated it and I hated how it was clawing and gnawing at me. Maybe Dr. Phil wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
“Why do you do that?” Her tiny voice broke into my thought train like a scratch on a record.
“Do what?” I focused on her pale blue eyes instead of off in space.
“You zone out. It happens a lot lately. And it happens a lot when I mention Ayden. And it’s gotten worse since the mention of Amy in Arkansas. Just be honest with me. Let me in. I’m not stupid and I know those little quirks of yours. Your whole body freezes every time I mention something about him.” She squeezed my hands with every plea but I couldn’t bear to tell her how far gone I was inside.
“I’m fine—I just don’t like—you said he flirted—I just don’t like it.” I rambled and babbled in an attempt to feed her half truths.
“You’re not fine. And you’re lying to me. And apparently you don’t trust me. Because if you trusted me there would be nothing to be upset about with Ayden. And if you trusted me you wouldn’t be lying to my face right now. I am not believing this shit.”
She got out of bed and walked out the bedroom door slamming it behind her.
A few seconds later I heard the front door slam.
I jumped out of bed and started towards the door when I realized I was only wearing a pair of boxers. I threw on some shorts and a hoodie as fast as I could and rushed out of the door and to the parking lot. She was already gone and I was the asshat now.
I must’ve called her phone eighty nine times. I paced in front of the door until Amber came out to see what was wrong.
“What the hell Owen?” She asked half asleep.
“Ipissedheroffsheleftshewon’tanswerherphone.” I said in words run together.
“Ok, let me call her.” She went back into her room and came out phone attached to her ear.
“Ok, I’m sorry—No, he didn’t tell me—I was just checking on you for the love of God—Don’t jump my ass—Ok, ok, I’ll tell him.” She yelled at Nellie and then hung up.
“She says to stop calling her she will be home in ten minutes.” She went back to her room and slammed
her door. There was a lot of slamming doors tonight.
I sat on the couch and bounced my knees until they bounced on their own without effort.
True to her word, about ten minutes later, she walked in and glared at me.
“Go home Owen.” She said and went straight into her bedroom and when the door closed gently and almost silently I knew that her anger had turned to hurt.
I went into the bedroom, grabbed my keys, wallet and backpack and left. She was in the bathroom and the sound of her crying killed me. I got into my car and drove home ashamed of myself and for letting the green monster take hold of me.
The next day we both had classes all day and instead of bugging her relentlessly, I handed my phone to Dylan in the morning and asked him to turn it off and not give it to me until Saturday. I didn’t trust myself to leave her alone. What I wanted to do was find her and beg her forgiveness. I wanted to reach inside myself and remove the history of hurt that continued to creep into my love for Nellie.
Saturday morning I heard Dylan’s phone ringing early, very early. I went to sleep about four in the morning and it felt like I had been awake all night.
“Answer the phone Dylan, that Nickelback crap is driving me batshit.”
“Hello?” He answered and then threw the phone at me.
“What?” I answered not knowing who would call me on his phone.
“Why is your phone off? I’ve been calling you since yesterday afternoon.” It was Nellie and I could’ve cried at the sound of her voice and I’d never been a crier.
“I didn’t want to bother you. I was going to turn it on this morning.”
“Wanna have breakfast?” She still sounded agitated but at least she was speaking to me again.
“Diner in thirty minutes?” I asked hoping that the venue would help my case.
“Yeah.” She hung up and I threw my phone back and hit Dylan in the chest.
“I knew that wouldn’t last long.” Dylan laughed referring to Nellie and I fighting.
I showered and dressed in jeans and a thermal shirt. I put on some Chucks and headed out determined to get there early.
I got in and sat at the booth in the corner ready to get this over with. I ordered her some orange juice and waited. She approached the booth. I knew it was her without even looking up. I struggled to look her in the eye. I couldn’t tolerate hurting her.
The waitress approached and she ordered for the both of us. I waited for her to crack the silent barrier.
“I’m sorry for making you go home but I’m not sorry for what I said. It was the truth. If something bothers you, it bothers me. If you’re hurting, I’m hurting. If you’re distant I can feel it. And when you lie, it kills me.” She played with her orange juice using a straw to stir it.
“There’s something going on with me. And it’s not about Ayden, though that little punk seemed to make it worse. It started after Christmas. I had a meltdown in the kitchen of the restaurant on New Year’s night. I still feel like I don’t deserve you. Seeing your parents and how they live and that huge house made me think that one day you’ll wish I could give you those things. Then there’s something about this Ayden guy. It’s like he seems so familiar to me even though I’ve never even seen him. And no matter how hard I try, that thing with Amy and Lucas…” I cleared my throat and continued, “I trust you. I do. I just need to clear my head of these demons. They’re eating at me and I can’t make them stop.”
She exhaled long and hard. The waitress delivered our food and neither one of us moved to eat.
“I don’t know how to help you Owen. I already know about what you said on New Years to your Mom. I talked to her yesterday and she told me. I’ve done nothing to make you not trust me. I’ve done nothing to make you think I was even remotely close to being like Amy. I love you and I want to marry you but you’ve got to get past this first. If we don’t deal with it now it’s going to be bigger later. But I can tell you this. I won’t settle for someone who lies to me and doesn’t trust me.”
“I don’t either. I don’t know what to do. But I can get past it. I can.”
“Ok. You have to work on it. And I’m here if you need me.” That’s all she said before she pulled her plate towards her and ate more than I’ve ever seen her eat.
“Hungry much?” I laughed at her.
“I didn’t eat all day yesterday. I was all upset. I didn’t even go to any of my classes.” She shoveled more food into her mouth.
“I went but I didn’t want to and I couldn’t tell you one thing that was said.”
We laughed and it felt like we were back to normal. At least I’d hoped we were back to normal.
“What are you doing today?” I asked her hoping that she hadn’t made plans.
“Spending the day with you if you’re not busy. I just need you today. I feel like we’re falling apart.”
“I’ve got an idea. Are you up for a surprise?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, let’s go.”
I paid for the check and we dropped off her car in her parking lot.
37. Nellie
I rode in his Bronco, holding his hand and I felt a little better. They say recognizing the problem is the first step, right? He admitted that he was having some self-worth issues and some jealousy. I hoped he could get past them. I wanted him for the rest of my life but I wouldn’t stand for a marriage without trust.
We pulled up at one of my favorite places and I should’ve known that my future marine biologist would love it here too. We bought tickets and headed into the Aquarium of the Americas. We walked through a tunnel under a shark tank. Owen pointed out each and every animal we saw and identified it like he was the embodiment of National Geographic. He made me stand on top of a glass circle which overlooked sharks. And I squealed every time one swam under me.
We spent the day happy. I needed happy. My phone rang and I looked at the phone to see that it was Sylvia. I answered and told her that we were fine. She also told me she loved me before she hung up. She started saying that after Owen proposed and it made me smile every time. And of course, I loved her too.
The next couple of months were more of the same. He told me everything—even when the jealousy hit. He told me when the doubts hit and they were becoming less and less. It reminded me of an addict telling their sponsor when they wanted to use. But I appreciated the honesty. I asked him several times if he wanted to meet Ayden but he declined saying that he trusted me.
I had a roller derby exhibition coming up in two weeks. Owen came with me to practice before it and then we were getting married in three weeks. Cindi gave me extra time off so I could prepare even though the team wasn’t having official practices. He could finally make it around the rink without falling.
I had a huge project in Chem. Lab to complete instead of a final exam. We had to create the experiment, document everything, complete the experiment, record the results and when we were finished we had to write a two thousand word report on everything. It was a pain in my ass. Not to mention I had to spend almost every Tuesday and Thursday morning stuck in the library with Ayden instead of with Owen. But this was a huge project and Chemistry and the lab class were non-negotiable parts of my curriculum. So I had to get a decent grade.
Cindi planned to officially give the store to me next week as a wedding present. She taught me everything she knew and hired a girl who was going to start the store a website and began selling Cindi’s Indie books online.
Owen applied for an internship with a Marine Biology professor who spent the entire summer on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico doing research. It was a great opportunity for Owen and I didn’t complain even though the thought of him spending two months away after we were just married was saddening to say the least. He wrote a paper and went through several interviews with the professor and waited impatiently for the decision.
My chem. Lab project was due on a Monday. I had the exhibition that on Saturday night and plans with Owen to make final arrangements with th
e pastor and the church on Sunday afternoon. Saturday morning Owen and I had breakfast and vegged out until the afternoon when I met Ayden at the library to print out our report and make sure everything was good to go for Monday.
Ayden was really a nice guy and funny as all heck. I could be friends with him if Owen would ever accept it. We printed everything and I looked at the time and the exhibition started in a little over an hour. Ayden walked me out to the parking lot, just being nice. I got into my car and it was parked next to his little Toyota truck. I put the keys into the ignition and turned but the only thing I heard was a clicking sound. I turned the key again and only heard the clicking sound again.
A knock on my window brought me out of my cussing wave at my car. I rolled down the window and Ayden smiled.
“Your battery is dead. That’s the clicking sound. I don’t have jumper cables though. Do you want a ride to the game?”
“It’s a bout and yeah, I guess I do. Let me grab my bag.”
I grabbed my bag and got into his little truck and he drove us to the skating rink.
When we arrived he offered to take my bag and I thought nothing of it.
We walked in and he almost hit me with the door and I laughed at his horrified face.
I saw Owen with his back turned to us and Dylan looked like he saw a ghost or a devil.
Owen turned around and the next thing I know, Ayden was on the floor—and bloody.
38. Owen
After our first fight, that’s what I called it, I got myself in check for the most part. I still had my moments but confessing them to Nellie made everything better. I trusted her. I did. So I acted like it. I declined meetings with Ayden.
About a month before the end of the semester Nellie came home very agitated. I had to pry it out of her but eventually she told me. She didn’t want to and I knew exactly why. In her words Ayden forgot himself and reached over in the middle of working on their report and held her hand and tried to move in to kiss her. She immediately backtracked when she saw the rage in my face and said she was probably mistaken, she misinterpreted. She said she reiterated that she was engaged and about to be married and they were just friends. I believed her, I did. But it wasn’t her I was worried about. I gave her a fake laugh and a fake smile and shrugged it off. But this added to that growing tension inside of me. It added pressure to my chest which already felt like it stretched my skin as far as it would go. And the added pressure made it feel like I could snap at any minute. The jealousy pumped and throbbed in my veins and I was afraid that one day it would explode.
