by Lila Felix
Our wedding planning was going great, from the guy’s perspective. Mom and Nellie did all of the heavy lifting. They made me go to the church. And Mom was right, it was beautiful. It had dark, worn wood floors and tons of windows. They picked the music and the dresses and they even picked out my suit. All I had to do was show up and try it on.
One night Nellie flew up from a sleeping position to sitting up and exclaimed, “I have to dye my hair back my natural color!” And then she lay back down and went to sleep. I stayed up for thirty minutes afterwards laughing my ass off. The next morning she said she had a dream that she was sixty years old looking at her wedding album and she had blue hair. She didn’t want her wedding picture to have blue hair. Something about her grandchildren getting ideas. That just sent me on another laughing fit. I got slapped in the arm but it was worth it.
One day while I was going from Biology, the second one, to lunch I spotted a flyer on the cork board by the Biology Department’s office. It was a paid internship with Dr. Callahan, who was a pretty big deal in the Marine Biology world. The only drawback? It was the entire summer long aboard a boat with no forms of communication. Not really ideal for a newlywed situation. I spoke to Nellie about it and of course she was nothing short of supportive. She said she would miss me but it would help my career immensely.
I wrote a report and had several interviews, one with the department head and one with Dr. Callahan. He seemed receptive to my ideas and was happy about my experience on the water and with boats. I hoped I got it but another part of me hoped I didn’t.
Nellie had been busy with an end of semester project for chem. lab. I hit the gym as often as possible working off stress. Plus one night when we were having a family dinner Falcon goaded Nellie about having the hots for my muscles and she blushed harder than I’ve ever seen. I didn’t want to disappoint her on our wedding night.
On Saturday before the wedding, Nellie had a roller derby exhibition and I helped her to practice a few weeks before. Five minutes back on her skates and she was as fierce as ever. But tonight was going to be epic. It was a chance for her team to really show off. I talked to Dylan while I waited for her to arrive. She had to finalize her project with Ayden and should have arrived a few minutes ago.
“You’ve got to be shitting me.” Dylan looked behind me and I didn’t even turn around at first. That guy was so dramatic, it was probably nothing.
“Owen, turn around now.” He looked me dead in the eyes and his face had lost all color.
I turned and the scene slammed into me before my entire body completely faced them. It was Nellie, my girl, my fiancé, my future wife. She walked next to someone and laughed at their joke. He held her bag. He opened the door for her. He acted comfortable around her. He was too close to her. He was Lucas, he had aged but he was still Lucas and all I could see was red.
My feet took off before my brain could register the situation. He was still looking at her when my fist connected with his boney jaw. He hit the floor and I shook my fist out readying it for the next blow. There would be many next blows. I knelt next to him and delivered the second blow to the other side of his face. After the third punch he groaned and roller over. Dylan walked up from somewhere and turned him over so I could get another jab at him. I heard Nellie screaming from somewhere to my left and I knew she told me to stop but I couldn’t. Blood covered my fists. Cuts marred my knuckles. I dropped back on my haunches, finally giving up.
I heard someone, a man, he yelled and blew a whistle and Dylan dragged me out of there. I don’t remember the car ride. I don’t remember undressing or getting into the shower. I don’t know who bandaged my hands.
Some people’s memories are triggered by smell, some by touch or place. Mine was triggered by a scene. A scene of Amy and Lucas walking through the school doors the day after I found out the truth about her. He held her bag and she laughed at something he said. Then he put his arm around her with no shame or regret. And what did teenager Owen do? He walked away and then proceeded to act stupid.
What a bastard I’ve turned out to be.
Dylan handed me some white pills and I took them hoping maybe they were a narcotic that would knock me out until I was sane again. Whatever they were, I was knocked on my ass within minutes. I woke up some time later to Dylan shaking my leg.
“Wake up man. Amber is bringing Nellie over here and they are both pissed like I’ve never seen a woman pissed. Get your ass up now.”
I sat up and paced until I heard them coming down the hall. People in Mississippi could probably hear them yelling.
Nellie came into the room and she looked haggard and she had a black eye. I took two steps to inspect her eye and she stopped me.
“Owen Black I swear if you even attempt to touch me I will castrate you where you stand.”
“Fine.”
“Explain Owen. Start explaining now.” She nearly spit it at me.
“Me explain? Why should I have to explain anything?”
“You need to explain because it took me thirty minutes to convince Ayden not to press charges against you. He couldn’t even defend himself. So yeah, you need to come up with something and fast.”
“You convinced Ayden? You convinced Ayden? I don’t know who that bastard Ayden is but I do know that the person I laid into was Lucas Barringer. Ayden Lucas Barringer. And I can’t believe you’re taking up for him.”
“Lucas? Like that Lucas? How in the hell was I supposed to know Owen? You don’t think maybe you could’ve—I don’t know—talked to me? Pulled me aside and let me know? Jesus Owen, what is going on in that head of yours? I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought you trusted me. We’re getting married in seven days.”
Amber and Dylan stood watching the whole thing go down.
“I do trust you. It’s him I don’t trust.” I seethed through a clenched jaw.
“He didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I. We’re just friends.”
“Yeah, I know. Everything is innocent Amy—shit.” The moment it came out of my mouth Amber gasped from the side of the room.
“Oh shit.” She covered her mouth after she said it.
I couldn’t tear my eyes from Nellie. She wasn’t angry anymore. She didn’t yell. Tears ran down her face. We stood there for what seemed like centuries.
“You son of a bitch.” She whispered and walked out of the door.
I took a step after her and Amber stopped me.
“Take another step and your balls will be handed to you.”
“Amber,” Dylan started.
“No Dylan, she needs me.” Amber walked out and slammed the door behind her.
That’s it. I knew I would ruin it. She was gone.
39. Nellie
Owen beat the hell out of Ayden. One of the management at the skating rink took him to the hospital but not before I convinced him not to press charges against Owen. And I was left there waiting when Amber pulled me to the locker room to get ready.
How in the hell was I going to skate like this? All I want to do is find out what in the hell is going on!
I puked three times before my skates even hit the rink. I skated the first heat and got into a fight with a girl and it escalated to the point where I was banned from the rest of the bout. But by then she was beaten to a pulp and I had a new black eye. And I could care less.
I left the rink to watch from the sidelines and Cindi found me and checked out my eye. I left and ran to the bathroom to puke again.
The exhibition bout was finally over and Amber ran out of the locker room to meet me.
“Let’s go find out what in the hell is going on.”
She drove and my body shook the entire way. I didn’t cry. I didn’t whine. I shook with fear. I just knew in my gut that whatever had taken place was going to be the end of us.
We arrived at the dorms in just a few minutes, Amber drove like a maniac.
Owen saw my black eye and immediately made a move to check on me like he hadn’t just flipped the
hell out at the skating rink and everything was hunky dory. I threatened to castrate him and that put a stop to him.
He went on and on and soon it felt like I was an outsider, a spectator looking in on a soap opera. Then I heard him say something about Ayden really being Ayden Lucas or just Lucas to him. Yeah, that Lucas, he confirmed. I tried to tell him that we were just friends, tried to tell him that I didn’t do anything wrong.
Why was I defending myself? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t know what he said before it, I couldn’t remember. But I knew what came next. He called me Amy. He said her name to me like I was the same as her, guilty of her transgressions, guilty of hurting him and scarring him. Even though the outside of my body stood still in shock, my insides quaked and pushed tears down my face.
He called me Amy. I repeated it to myself. The person he despised the most. The woman who broke his heart and caused irreparable damage to him. He called me by her name. And I only had one name to call him back. I wanted to yell it. I wanted to grab his face and scream it into his head making it sink in deep where he would feel it like I felt Amy. Only it came out as a whisper.
“You son of a bitch.”
I turned to leave. My car sat stuck at the library with a dead battery. I didn’t care. I needed to walk.
Halfway through my walk home Amber pulled up beside me and I got in. My bones and muscles moved but I was numb. Anger left me and was replaced by more than hurt or sadness. It was replaced by betrayal. Owen worried about Ayden or Lucas or whatever his name was but in the end his own distrust betrayed me and him. It ruined us.
I got my phone out of my pocket and saw that I had missed calls from Owen, Sylvia and Falcon. I even had a missed text message from Owen’s dad Chase. I sent one text back to Sylvia, Falcon and Chase together.
N: Will call tmrw. It’s over.
I never got a text back. I went home and took a hot shower in Amber’s bathroom. I couldn’t even look at my bed or my bathtub. Amber got me some pajamas from my room and pillows and blankets. I laid on the couch turned to face the cushions and let myself cry.
Amber’s phone rang and she answered and finished the conversation with one line, “Don’t ever call my phone again asshole.”
I knew who it was without asking. I didn’t even acknowledge I heard the conversation. I closed my eyes but the only thing I could see was Owen’s face deranged in anger.
I finally got up and checked the time on the clock since my phone was now off and would be off indefinitely. It was a little past three a.m. I wandered into the kitchen, my stomach wanting to eat.
Amber heard me get up and as I poured myself onto one of the kitchen chairs she heated up pizza in the microwave. My stomach rumbled as she placed the plate in front of me. I ate it without tasting it. I chewed—I swallowed—I breathed. And then when I thought about what Owen had done, what happened to us—I heaved.
Sunday morning there was a knock on the door and Amber opened it. I refused to pull my face from the hiding place of the couch cushions. Amber answered the door, said nothing and then closed the door again. Someone sat on the couch and I swore to myself that if it was Owen he would get kicked in the junk.
“How is she?” It only took those three words and I knew who it was—Sylvia.
I turned over and the tears and sobbing started. She opened her arms and I crawled across the couch to her and sought shelter there. We didn’t speak for a long time. She cried right along with me. She held on to me like a mother would, like my mother hadn’t since I was a child. I finally got up to get some tissues for her and me.
“I brought you some breakfast Nellie. I’m sure you haven’t eaten. Right?”
“Yeah, ok.” I went to the kitchen and she had picked up bagels. She folded my blankets and picked up my pillows and brought them into my room. She sat next to me and ate breakfast with me and soon after Amber joined us.
Sylvia cleared her throat and I knew that she was going to bring Owen up.
“I don’t know what to do Nellie. I already know what happened. Owen came to the house last night and he and his dad stayed up all night talking. Falcon and Maddox woke up this morning and he told them too. I know he’s my son but he was dead wrong for acting that way and for calling you…” She cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry.” I said and she looked at me confused. “I mean, about cancelling the wedding, I’m sorry. You worked so hard to plan it.”
“Nellie, I don’t give a damn about any of that. I care about you and Owen. It’s Sunday so I will call tomorrow and cancel everything. I hate it but I know that if you two ever get over this, it’s not going to be in a week. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe these things happen for a reason. Maybe I’m babbling.” She giggled and I smiled a little.
“Ok, I’m going. I will tell Chase you are—ok. I won’t tell Owen anything if you don’t want me to. And Falcon requested that you call him. That boy loves you like you’re his sister.”
She got up from the table and I took her hand.
“Thank you Sylvia. And tell Owen the truth. I’m not ok. I don’t know if I ever will be. That’s the truth.”
“Ok sweetie,” she kissed my forehead. “Call me when you need me. Nothing has changed. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She hugged Amber who looked shocked and walked out of the door.
40. Owen
I was a miserable, insane, rat bastard and now instead of keeping it hidden, everyone knew. Falcon refused to speak to me. He mumbled something to Dad about fixing it and he used the ‘F’ word. Not a typical thing for Falcon to do.
It was a week today that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Today was the day when Nellie and I were supposed to get married. She was supposed to walk down the aisle in her beautiful white dress and let me promise my love and commitment to her. I hadn’t spoken to her in seven days and every single hour drug on forever. I sat with Mom as she cried about cancelling the church and the pastor. It was like I was torturing her all over again.
I drove to the church on time anyway. I pulled up to the tall white building and walked up to the empty worshipping place. I held on to the door jamb and worked up the courage to face what could have been and what I’d done. I made my feet move halfway up the aisle and sat in a pew and let my sorrow wash over me.
I deserved to be hung for what I’d done to her. She loved me with a love I’d never known but all I could do was constantly compare her to someone who was the exact opposite just because she broke my heart. Nellie was kind where Amy was cruel. Nellie was considerate and loving where Amy was aloof and cold. Nellie wanted me, past tense, and Amy cheated on me and then treated me like last week’s trash. How in the hell I allowed her into my love for Nellie, I’ll never know.
I heard footsteps behind me and didn’t want to know who it was unless it was Nellie. And it wasn’t her. I would know her footsteps on a New York City street at rush hour. An older man in a blue button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of gray pants sat down on the pew in front of me. I realized that I had been crying so I wiped them on my sleeve.
“It’s a shame to see this church empty on a beautiful Saturday in the summer.” He said in a voice that reminded me of a grandfather. Though I’d never met mine.
“It’s a beautiful church. There really should be a wedding here.” I said truthfully.
“I heard there was supposed to be one here today. Must’ve been mistaken.” He looked up at the ceiling and crossed his arms.
“Yeah, there was. Got cancelled.” Nosey bastard.
“Nothing could’ve kept me away from my bride on my wedding day. I was more excited than she was. We would’ve been married fifty three years today.”
“I was supposed to get married here today.” I blurted out.
He turned around and he had gray eyes, almost as gray as his hair.
“Well, what happened?”
“I screwed it all up. She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I let an
old breakup influence my view of what we had. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve anything but the best. And she chose to love me. And I f—messed up.”
“You know what the great thing about messing up is?” I shook my head, not really in the mood for his silver lining crap. “The great thing about messing up is that usually, if you’re smart—you don’t repeat the same mistake again.”
“I wouldn’t ever repeat that mistake again. Problem is, I don’t think she’ll ever speak to me again.”
I didn’t wait for him to answer. I looked up one last time at the altar and walked out. I made my way to the restaurant to help out.
Everywhere I turned there were pieces of her. When I reached to put the Bronco into reverse I noticed her hair bands hanging on the shifter. There was a sticker on the inside of the visor that read ‘Roller Derby girls do it on all fours” that she giggled about for days on end. I knew it was there, I didn’t have to look at it. On the way to the restaurant I passed the flower shop where she found the perfect silver roses for our wedding. She was in every corner and every cranny. I welcomed in it. It kept the pain notch kicked up to ten. It zapped me when I almost smiled. It throbbed in my chest and kept a steady beat in my head like a snare drum.
The restaurant was busy, the parking lot fuller than I’d seen it in a while. I walked in and went straight into the kitchen to wash up and grab an apron. I pushed the heavy swinging door open and apparently I was unexpected. Dad, Mom, Falcon and Nellie stood in a huddle and Dad had a familiar black box in his hand. Nellie sobbed while she turned the ring back and forth on her finger and then released it, retracting her agreement to marry me. She placed it back in the black box and my dad put it in his pocket. It was like an engagement moment on video but it was being played in reverse.
