by Ava Catori
Hanging up the phone, he looked at me. I jumped off of the sofa and into his arms, “Thank you.” I couldn’t believe it, he told her. I didn’t expect it, but that small act meant so much to me. It said that he believed in us. I was no longer a secret, some invisible person that didn’t exist in their world.
A soft smile, “It wasn’t too painful. I think she’s simmering, trying to keep it to a low boil since she knows I’m going away shortly. She’ll keep a lid on it for now, but I’m sure at some point she’ll list every thing that could possibly be wrong with you, even though she’s never met you. Either way, it’s a done deal. I’m going to do you a favor and not give her your information. Trust me; she’s the type to be in touch with way too many opinions. If I can’t reach you, Scott will, I promise.”
It was enough, more than enough. I was ridiculously happy that he said it out loud, taken the initiative and finally told his mother that I was a special person in his life. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. He said it out loud, said I was the one that held his heart, and what girl wouldn’t want to hear those words. He loves me.
The day moved way too quickly, and soon we were drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms. On waking, I knew it would be the last I’d see of him for awhile. I forced myself to wake early, and watch him sleep for a bit. He was such a handsome man, but it was more than that. He owned my heart, plain and simple. There was nobody I’d ever wanted more. Sometimes it overwhelmed me looking over at him; my feelings were so much stronger than anything I had control over.
I reminded myself to snap a picture of us together before he leaves. Pulling my camera out of my purse, I put it in the center of the coffee table so I wouldn’t forget. With that, I crawled back into the warmth of the covers, and snuggled into Austin’s body heat.
When he stirred, he pulled me closer and then drifted back to sleep. Closing my eyes, I replayed the events of the previous night in my mind and fell back into a light slumber. I felt safe in Austin’s arms, secure and protected.
I woke to Austin leaning up on his side, watching me sleep. His hand gently stroked my cheek, and then his finger drew across my lips, “Morning.” His face was relaxed, and he was content.
“Morning,” I smiled. This is how I wanted to wake every single morning for the rest of my life, with him beside me.
His fingers traced along my jaw line, the curve of my neck and then over my shoulder. His touch was tender, and there was love in his eyes.
We shared an intimate moment, and then climbed out of bed. I went in to make breakfast while Austin took a shower. I picked French toast with a little bit of powdered sugar, making a mental note that I’d need to run a couple of extra miles this week based on the way I’ve been eating lately.
My stomach was slowly knotting, knowing today was the day, but I pushed it from my mind, not wanting it to steal the joy of being with Austin today.
An entire year…365 days…it was too big to wrap my head around, so I decided I’d have to take it one day at a time. I’d all ready made a special calendar to cross off the days as each went by. I wondered if day 10 would be harder than day 20, or if day 30 would see me in tears, or if at day 200 I’d be fine – or would I still be at the point of breaking down and crying thinking about him.
Seeing him walk around the corner in just a towel snapped me back to the moment. “You’re looking delicious,” I said. “Breakfast will be ready in just a couple of minutes.”
Walking to the fridge, he took out some juice and poured a glass. “Thanks for making breakfast.”
It was a delight to make him breakfast, hell, I wish I could do it every day. I wish…stop, stop that…let it go. There’s nothing you can do to change his deployment orders. Accept it, don’t fight it. I took a deep breath and changed my thought process the best I was able.
I plated up the French toast and joined him at the table. “Not getting dressed?”
“No need,” he smiled. “I intend to spend what time we have left naked together,” he laughed. “And to that point, why do you have clothes on?”
“I was cooking,” I offered, sitting down to join him.
“You’re finished,” he reminded. “Maybe you should take them off.”
“You want me to strip now, or can I at least eat my breakfast first?”
“If you’re naked, I can imagine drizzling syrup over your breasts much easier.” His smile was sweet.
“Funny boy,” I bemused and stood up to remove my clothing.
“Oh, that’s much better.” His schoolboy grin said it all.
“Glad I could help,” I winked and sat down to eat.
Austin stood for a moment, whipping off his towel, “I’ll be right back.”
I watched him walk by, not sure if I was hungrier for my guy or my breakfast. I was stuck between lust and love, and the fear of losing him after today. My stomach churned, and then it would pass for a moment, and I’d be caught up in our time together, only to be jerked back to reality again. It was like a maddening see saw.
“Close your eyes,” I heard as he rejoined me from behind.
“What? Why?”
“Just close them,” he nudged.
“Fine, they’re closed,” I said, sensing him moving closer.
He moved my hair to the side and over my shoulder. Tenderly he leaned in and kissed my neck, and then draped a necklace around me, attaching the clasp in the back. “For you,” he said after moving my hair back from my shoulder. “You can open your eyes again.”
“What is it?” My hand instinctively went up to feel what he’d placed there. Lifting it up, I saw a gorgeous ruby red heart. It was held in place with a delicate gold chain. “It’s so pretty,” I said fingering the piece of jewelry.
“You are the keeper of my heart,” he started. “You hold on tightly to that, because I’m leaving it with you while I’m gone.”
I stood and turned to face my lover, accepting his embrace, and as he held me tight I melted. His hug grew stronger, almost like he was afraid to let go. Finally releasing his grip, he leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Let’s eat,” he said quietly.
“It’s beautiful,” I said. “Can I go peek at it in the mirror?”
He smiled and nodded.
I raced to the hallway and looked at the necklace adorning my neckline. It was gorgeous, and I instinctively reached up to hold it. I sat back at the table wearing a grin, and ate my breakfast naked. I kept reaching up and touching it, and was grateful to have something small to hold on to while he was gone.
I tried not to look at the clock, really I did, but I couldn’t help glancing over and over. I was watching the minutes tick by way too quickly, and knew that in a few hours he’d be leaving. I ached to have him here until later, or tomorrow, or next week, but my reality was that we had mere hours left until next year. Next year – the weight of that statement hit me like a brick. I swallowed my fear and frustration, and pushed it aside for the time being. I could analyze it all I wanted later – but not now.
“You keep touching it,” he said, watching my hand move up to my neckline over and over.
“I love it. You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.” I said softly. “It’s like a little piece of you will be here with me.”
“It looks great on you. Besides, I wanted you to have something special from me before I left.” He paused, “I will be back, there’s nothing that could keep me from getting to you.”
I nodded. “I know,” I whispered, choking back tears that wanted to show themselves. “I’ll be here waiting.”
I reached across the table, and he took my hand, and together we sat in silence for a moment. It was a monumental day. It was our last morning together for a long time, and there was so much to say, but so many more words didn’t need to be spoken. They sat in the air between us. We knew, knew what the other was feeling, thinking… our hearts were heavy knowing a long separation was sneaking up on us.
I cleared my throat and stood. “Are you finished
?”
Picking up the plates, I rinsed them in the sink, stacking them for later. Together we went back to bed to spend our precious moments naked and clinging to one another.
How do I say good-bye? How will I form those words when it’s time? I couldn’t fathom it, and again glanced at the clock. Stop looking, it’s not helping!
Our kisses ranged from sweet to hungry, and yet no other movements were made. We simply stared into each other’s eyes, trying to memorize the tiniest details. We held one another, talking quietly, and when his watch beeped, I felt my heart leap in my chest. It can’t be time, not yet.
“One hour,” he said. My stomach turned and I felt sick. How could we only have one hour left? It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t enough time.
We’d made plans to spend a certain portion of the time together, but he also needed time to gather stuff, take care of some last minute things, and he promised he’d check in with his parents too.
My heart was racing, and I felt panic rush through me. I was overheating, and I forced myself to breath deeply and regain my composure. No getting out of control, you need to stay calm. He has enough on his mind. I bit the inside of my cheek out of habit, and pocketed my stress until later. If there was one gift I wanted to give him, it was a sense of calm, and telling him I’d be okay.
As if on cue, we made love again, knowing we were so limited on time. It was as if just one more time might make it better… but I knew the truth. It didn’t matter if we had one or fifty more orgasms at this point, an hour was an hour. In two hours, he’d all ready be gone – and a year is a year.
Clinging desperately to Austin, I felt our time slipping by, and soon we were climbing out of bed. Slowly pulling his jeans on, I suddenly remembered my camera on the coffee table. “Pictures,” I blurted out. “We need pictures.”
After dressing, we snapped a handful of photos as Austin held the camera up and out. How had I not taken more during these last few months? I was grateful we got these. My heart was breaking, I knew this was it. I wasn’t ready, not yet. I’d give anything for a few more minutes, another hour, or one more day.
We walked out of the bedroom together, through the living room, and then stopped at the kitchen not far from the door. Lifting me onto the counter, Austin slid between my legs, gently gripping underneath one of my thighs. Looking into my eyes, there was silence. Slowly his other hand came up to my face. Stroking my cheek, he slid his fingers to the curve of my face, cupping it delicately.
One last kiss and he’d be leaving. His hand slid out from under my thigh, and he placed it on the other side of my face. Tilting my head just the slightest bit, he leaned in and gave me a tender, sweet kiss.
Austin pulled back, watching me, and then kissed me again with hunger and yearning. Our lips parted, and we got lost in the lingering passion. His mouth moved to my cheeks, my neck, and then down across to my chest. He went back up along my neck and then stopped, whispering in my ear that he loved me. Those little words meant so much in these final moments.
I choked up, but forced myself not to cry. Wrapping my arms tightly around his shoulders, I didn’t want to let go. I held on, fighting for another second, another hour, anything – desperately not wanting our time to end.
One last taste, and as our lips brushed together gently, I felt the hot tears stream down my face. I tried, I really did, but in that instant it hit me like a sledgehammer that he was leaving for an entire year. He wouldn’t be back for one more kiss, one more night, one more anything. This was it.
I had to let go. Finally, I forced myself to release him. Dropping my head down, I took a deep breath and hopped down off of the counter. I tried, I really did, but the tears kept coming. I tried not to sob, and standing before him with a tearstained face, I whispered my love in return.
As he turned towards the door, my heart shattered. Watching him walk out the door was one of the most painful experiences in my life. There was nothing I could do to stop him, and I knew I had to let him go. Clinging wouldn’t make it any easier. I swallowed hard and watched as his hand reached for the doorknob.
It felt like slow motion, the movements, the door opening, and then he was gone. The moment he walked out, everything inside of me felt broken. Closing it behind him, I fell to the floor crying, sobbing heavily, and knowing that it was the last time we’d be together for way too long. How could I possibly survive and entire year without him, without his touch, his kiss, his body lying next to mine?
I heard his car start and then head down the driveway. My heart was crushed into tiny pieces. I couldn’t breathe. There was no tomorrow, no one more kiss, it was finished until next year – next year. I knew loneliness would set in, but Austin was worth the wait. I’d never loved a man more.
With my back pressed to the door, I sat and stared at the floor until I had nothing left in me. Slumping to the ground, I stared at the ceiling. After what felt like forever, I finally righted myself and pushed up off of the floor. I’m not sure how I found the strength – I felt nothing but weak in the moment, weak and broken.
Chapter 21
One day turned into the next. I jumped between depression and anger. Anxiety popped in there a few times, mixing it up. The first few days, I barely wanted to get out of bed, but I had to function. Work didn’t stop, life didn’t stop, and I couldn’t as much as I wanted to.
My running, something I desperately needed during this time slowed down. I had so much trouble just getting out of the house in the morning. The days I made the effort before or after work, I felt better, stronger, but then I’d let depression lock me back in the house again.
I was fortunate for the times Austin and I were able to connect via video chat, or when he could call, but there were days I wouldn’t hear from him, and I’d be sick to my stomach waiting to hear his voice. When the phone would ring, or a text would come through, I was giddy with excitement and relieved to hear him once again.
Heather did her best to support me during my emotional time, but she had enough going on. She didn’t need to babysit my feelings. The baby was due in just a few weeks, and she should be celebrating, joyful, not pandering to my rollercoaster of tears. I tried to hold it together the best I could, and saved most of my breakdowns for the privacy of my home, sitting alone.
The day before Heather gave birth, she’d had trouble sleeping. Well, truth be told, she had trouble sleeping a lot near the end of her pregnancy. Only this time, she was on edge and up all night nesting. She figured it would be another sleepless night, just like the others, only this time there was a reason for it. The baby would be here soon!
She woke Scott around four in the morning telling him it was time. She’d felt the contractions starting slowly, but when they were gripping her with force, she was pretty sure she’d be giving birth soon. She was partially right, today was the day, only it was a long process. She didn’t give birth until five in the afternoon. After a daunting labor, Heather and Scott welcomed their daughter into the world.
When Amber Jo was born, I was smitten. Baby AJ was quite possibly the most precious thing I’d ever seen. Holding her, I was amazed with her size. Her tiny feet and hands seemed unbelievably small and sweet. She had this new baby smell, and had the most velvety soft hair I’d ever seen or felt. She was pure perfection. I whispered “I love you” over and over, kissing her sweet cheeks.
“Hey Amber Jo, I’m your Aunt Kate,” I cooed to her.
Heather smiled as I held her daughter. “Isn’t she incredible,” she beamed. She looked tired but happy.
“She’s amazing,” I whispered.
“Thanks for coming up.”
“Like I wouldn’t? When do they set you free?” I asked, snuggling with our new treasure.
“They keep you about twenty-four hours after you give birth; it depends on your insurance. Anyway, I’ll be ready. I’m sure we’ll sleep better at home. I’m exhausted.”
“I’ll bet, you worked hard,” softening my voice, “didn’t your mommy work hard A
mber Jo?”
“Do you like the name we chose? We figure we can also call her AJ for a nickname,” she smiled.
“I do, it fits her perfectly.”
It was such a beautiful moment, and for the first time in a long time I felt happy and at ease. “Can I take some pictures to send to Austin?”
“Absolutely,” she said.
Scott snapped a picture of me holding AJ, and I took one of the three of them together. I couldn’t wait to show him when I got on video chat next time.
Heather had set aside six weeks of maternity leave, and she and Scott were trying to see if they could manage things financially if she stopped working, or at least went part-time. Now that baby Amber was in her arms, she couldn’t imagine not spending every waking moment with her.
I was happy I could share pictures with Austin. We’d been using video chat as much as we could, and thankfully he could text or call time to time. It really helped seeing him or hearing his voice. I was counting down the days, and there were still way too many to get through. We would get through this though, I had no doubt.
I worried about the loneliness at first, and while there were tons of moments I desperately could have used him by my side, I never once considered leaving him or breaking up for any period of time. He was my man, my hero, my lover. We’d be together again, I was certain.
…it was late, but Austin finally got his turn on one of the computers at his base. There was a loud noise, almost like an explosion nearby. His face went serious, and I froze. Just as he went to speak again, the picture started to go in and out. The words were cut off, then another loud boom. It didn’t fade to black, but he was running out of time.
