by Maxa,L. P.
I took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze. “Always.” Lo looked back and caught my gaze; there wasn’t pity in her eyes. But there wasn’t understanding either. It was like she was looking through me, trying to figure it all out.
There were so many memories between Lexi and me. So many words and smiles and endless nights. My love for Lexi had grown slowly, over days and months and years. She had wound her way around my heart so tightly that I’d had to run away to get some peace. Seeing her again, being around her now, it was different than I thought it would be.
The old ache was there, no doubt.
But the sting wasn’t as sharp as I remembered.
***
After we finished our drinks we’d all headed back to the hotel. Jacks and Dash needed to get home to their kids. Smith rarely partied anymore, taking his relatively healthy lifestyle seriously. To say that things had changed from when I first joined this band was the understatement of the century. Two years ago we wouldn’t have headed home until the sun came up. We parted ways in the lobby, everyone climbing into different elevators until it was just Lo and I left standing in the gleaming hallway. “You okay?” She’d been quiet ever since we left the bar. Which, from what I’d been able to observe in these past couple of days, was unlike her.
“There is so much history between you, between all of you. So much life that’s been lived.”
I smiled. “And that’s bad?”
“No. It’s just… They love you Luke. They would do anything for you, including forgive you for lying about having a girlfriend.” She reached forward and lit up the button to signal the elevator.
Was she having second thoughts? I wouldn’t make it without her. “I need you, Harlow. Please don’t leave me.”
When the doors opened, she walked all the way to the back, getting as far from me as she could. “I’m not going to leave you, Luke. I couldn’t if I tried.” She hung her head for the second time tonight. Just like she didn’t enjoy seeing me be a “sad sack” around Lexi, I didn’t enjoy seeing her head down. I was just about to reach out and lift it up when she seemed to steel herself. “I just want you to think about what you’re doing, really think about it. You are still running, don’t you see that?”
I shook my head. “Pix, it’s not like that, I—”
“It is like that. You’re terrified to be alone with her, you’re terrified that the second I’m not by your side to be your buffer your heart will break all over again.” She took a step toward me. “She loves you, Luke. You said it yourself, she’d do anything to see you happy, to make you happy. Except be yours. You can’t have her.”
“I know.” Her words were like a bucket of ice-cold water. I knew Lexi was right where she needed to be. I knew she was happy and that Dash would take care of her, cherish her, forever. “I just spent so long thinking that it’d be me and her in the end.”
Harlow reached over and pushed the emergency stop button right before we got to our floor. The car jerked a few times and then went still. “Did you ever make a move, Luke? Did you ever tell her how you felt? Did you ever grab her and kiss her with everything you had?” She took a step toward me. “Of course you didn’t, because you knew. Deep down you knew that the two of you were always only meant to be friends. And it terrified you.”
“I wasn’t scared. I wanted to be something. I wanted to be someone she could see herself with. When I joined the Devil’s Share, I thought maybe finally I’d be someone worthy of her—”
Harlow held her hands up. “Enough.” She let out a quick irritated sigh. “You have Lexi so high on this fucking pedestal that you can’t even see her anymore. She’s just a girl. You always deserved her, Luke, you were always worthy of her love. She just never wanted it, not that way.” She took another step in my direction. “When I met you on the plane, you were a jerk. And then five minutes later I was falling all over myself every time you looked at me. You are a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you. You’ve got to stop thinking that just because you aren’t with Lexi that you’re less-than. That you’re broken. She didn’t break you, kid. She just bruised you a little.” When she stepped back and hit the button again, I almost reached for her. The doors dinged seconds later, letting us know we were on our floor.
I didn’t say anything on the way to the room, and I didn’t try to stop her when she headed into the bathroom and shut the door. Lexi was the be all and end all of my future. That’s how I’d always felt. But Lo was right, no matter how far I ran, no matter how down I got. She’d never be mine, she was never even meant to be mine. And that right there was the hardest pill to swallow. I’d spent ten years wishing for and then mourning something that never even existed. I sat down on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands.
It was 4:00 in the morning, and we’d just gotten back from the hospital. The lead singer in my band had attacked Lexi in a doped-up fit of rage. I wasn’t there for her. I had left her alone, which I tried to never do. And he’d lost it. He threw her against a wall. He knocked her around like a rag doll. If I hadn’t walked in when I did, he would have raped her. I tried to kill him. I wanted to kill him. The only thing that stopped me was Lexi. She tried to get up and then fell back down. At that moment he ceased to exist and all that mattered was making sure she was okay.
“Can I have some more water?” Her voice sounded rough, like he’d held her by the throat at one point. Although I was sure she’d never admit it if I asked. Lexi was downplaying the whole attack.
I reached over and grabbed her water bottle from the nightstand and helped her take a drink. “I shouldn’t have let you leave the hospital.”
“Lukey, I’m fine.” She lay back down with her head on my chest. I loved having her like this, having her close. But the circumstances behind it made me sick to my stomach.
“You were assaulted and almost raped. You are not fine.”
“We both know that’s not who Sam is. Getting him arrested and ruining what’s left of this tour isn’t going to help anyone.” Lexi refused to press charges, refused to even hold him accountable for his actions. She was right though, what happened tonight was so out of character for Sam it was still hard for me to wrap my mind around it. We’d grown up together. He was the kid who nursed baby birds back to health after they fell out of trees. He was the kid who made Valentine’s Day cards for people who didn’t have any friends.
“This band is going to shit, Lex.” The drugs, the booze, it was destroying them. They couldn’t handle it.
“You’re right. This will probably be your last tour with them. So try to enjoy the ending.”
“After tonight, after what happened to you… All I want to do is get you home, keep you safe. I can’t believe I—”
“Lukey. Stop. You can’t be next to me every second of every day from here to eternity.” Shows what she knew. I’d move heaven and earth to make that my reality. “Enjoy what’s left of this band, of these boys you grew up with. Say a proper rock-and-roll good-bye.”
I tightened my arms around her and then kissed her forehead. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. “I just wanted us to be bigger than this, you know? I wanted this band to go somewhere other than dive bars and rehab.” Music was all I knew. This was the life I wanted for myself and we were going to burn out before we even got started.
“You are so talented, Luke. You are so driven and focused. You aren’t like them, but you can’t stop this train they’re on and you know it. They have to choose to want it too.” I leaned my head against the headboard. We were in a motel for the weekend. A rarity for us since we barely made any money on the road.
“I love you, Lexi.” I’d never said that to her before, even though I’d loved her for a long time.
“I love you too, Luke.”
I closed my eyes and rested my cheek on the top of her head. I knew she loved me, I knew she cared for me and wanted the best for me. But I could hear it in her voice; she didn’t feel the same way I did. Not yet, anyway. I just had t
o keep trying. Keep trying to be more, be better, be the kind of man a girl like Lexi would end up with. I had time. We were young. I’d make her see that I was made for her.
“Are you asleep?”
I opened my eyes and raised my head. Harlow was standing before me in nothing but her lacey black bra and panties. Did all of her clothes scream fuck me? Her face was scrubbed clean and her hands rested on her slender hips. I smiled. “No, Pix. Just, uh, thinking.”
She cocked her head to the side. “You do that a lot.”
I chuckled. “Think? Well, that’s a good thing, right?”
“It would be if you were actually thinking, but you’re not, you’re getting lost in a memory.”
I had to swallow past the lump in my throat. How did she even know that? I’d been around this girl for less than two days and she already had me figured out. “You’re too intuitive.”
“No such thing.” She climbed onto my lap, straddling me. “I’m sorry I went off on you in the elevator.”
I dipped my chin. “Everything you said, I needed to hear.”
“I know. But still, it was harsh.”
“You don’t have a harsh bone in your body, Lo.” I put my hands on her cheeks, cradling her beautiful face. “You looked so damn gorgeous tonight. I wanted to punch that bartender when he winked at you.”
She looked sad for the briefest moment, and then her cheerful smile returned. “Careful, caveman. Don’t blur the lines.” She climbed off me and got under the covers.
“What’s that mean?” Don’t blur the lines? The sex line she drew?
“You’re not my boyfriend, remember? Keep spouting lines like that and a girl could get the wrong idea.” She reached up and turned off her light.
I got up and changed clothes, brushed my teeth, then climbed in next to her. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted her to sleep on my chest like she had last night and again today when we napped. I liked having her near me. I liked the way she smelled and the way she felt in my arms. But she was right, I didn’t need to confuse either of us. She was doing me a favor. She’d said it herself; she’d been let down enough.
She didn’t need another man who was emotionally unavailable.
Chapter Twenty-two
Harlow
Luke left early. The band had a lot of radio stops to make before noon. I’d stayed in bed, watching trash TV and being lazy. My mind had been too preoccupied to go back to sleep. I wanted to shake Luke. I wanted to scream at him until he heard me. The only one holding him back was him. He was the only one keeping himself from healing, from moving on. He constantly got lost in the memory of Lexi, in the memory of what was. And he grieved a daydream. Luke needed to come back to reality and take a good look around. He needed to stop running. And I needed to stop getting lost in this little lie of ours. There were some moments when it all seemed so real. I was as bad as him, believing in something that wasn’t there. I’d just gotten up when my phone started ringing on the nightstand. I let out a sigh when I saw that my dad was calling. Again. He’d just keep it up until I answered.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Harlow, honey. I’ve been calling you for the past three days. Where the hell have you been? I was worried.” His tone was harsh and brisk. The only tone he’d ever used with me.
And if he really was that worried, which I highly doubted, all he had to do was call my mom. I’d told her I’d gotten here safe and sound. I’d told her all about Luke too. She wanted pictures of him shirtless. “Well, I am in Nashville and everything is fine.” He was probably just afraid I’d back out and his new wife would throw a temper tantrum.
“I saw that. You’re all over the gossip rags this morning with Luke Matthews. You want to tell me what the hell that’s about?” My father used the word “hell” a lot.
Press travels fast. “Not really.” I could very well shove Luke in my dad’s face. It’d no doubt piss him off, but I just wasn’t in the mood this morning.
“Harlow, honey. You know that I—”
“Whatever you’re going to say, just save it. Please. I don’t want to talk about Luke with you, not right now.” He also almost always added “honey” to the end of my name, but again his tone was sure to let me know it wasn’t necessarily a term of endearment.
He let out an irritated sigh, but thankfully dropped the Luke questions. Of course my dad would recognize the Devil’s Share. Music was his world. Or his bankroll so to speak. “You’re still coming, right?”
“Yeah. I’ll be there next week.” Unfortunately.
“I’m so excited to see you, honey. Your stepmother and I have missed you.”
Gag me with a mother-bleeping spoon. “I’ll let you know flight times once I do.”
“You haven’t booked your ticket yet? Do you want me to send one of the jets to get you?”
It was a nice offer, over the fucking top since I knew the cost of fuel prices whether you were flying ten people or one, but nice nonetheless. “No, I’m good. Thanks though.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
I hung up and calmly set my phone back on the nightstand. I wanted to throw it against a wall. I wanted to scream and pitch a fit like a child. I didn’t want to see my dad. I didn’t want to see my stepmom. The fact that he was trying on this family man role and attempting at nice and accommodating just pissed me off more. I knew he was only doing it to make his trophy wife happy. He was getting old and he needed to make sure this marriage stuck.
My phone rang again, my mom this time. “Good grief.” I plopped back down in bed and put her on speakerphone. “Morning, Mom.”
“Hello, my gorgeous girl. What are you up to this morning?” She sounded far away, like she’d put me on speakerphone as well but then walked away to do something else.
“Come back to the phone, Mom.” I laid my forearm over my eyes.
“You there, sweetie? I can barely hear you.”
“Yes, Mom. Just come closer to the phone.” I loved my mom, but she was an artist and she had an artist’s spacey nature.
“Okay, I’m here.” Her voice came through much clearer. “What are you doing? Why do you sound so morose?”
“Just got off the phone with Dad.”
“Oh, well that’ll do it.” I heard some clanging around. “You’re doing the right thing, love.”
“I haven’t seen him since his wedding, and I’d be fine not seeing him again until his funeral.”
Just like I knew she would be, my mom was not having any part of my pity party. “Now, Harlow Davis Miller, you take that back. The man may be an asshole. He may love money more than anything else on this planet, but he’s still your father. And he’s the only one you’ve got.” She paused for effect. “I don’t want you to have any regrets in life, kiddo. Seeing your dad every once in a while won’t kill you.” She laughed. “And then one day, when you are at his funeral, you’ll be at peace knowing you did everything you could when it came to your relationship with him.”
My mom was the reason I’d finally accepted his offer to visit. She was on me constantly about my karma. “I know. And I’ll go, I just refuse to be happy about it.”
“I don’t blame you. That man is an asshat.” I could picture her on her back deck, overlooking the ocean. “Now tell me how things are going with Mr. Wonderful?”
I’d told my mom everything about Luke when I’d talked to her last, while he was in the shower. I was confused about my feelings for him, and my mom, although she was slightly off her rocker, was a really good listener. “The same, he’s been gone all morning so I haven’t even had a chance to talk to him.”
“I want pictures.”
“Just Google Image him, Mom.”
“No. I want good pictures, ones when he’s with you so I can get a read on his soul.”
My mom thought she could actually read people. “I love you. I’ll call you later.”
“I love you too, sweetie. Bye.”
I’d almost made it to the bathroom to get dressed wh
en there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole to see a smiling Landry and a sleepy-looking Bryan, both of them with their mounds of dark hair piled on their heads. These were my kind of chicks, hot mess express. I opened it with a flourish. “Hellllllo, ladies.”
Landry walked in like she owned the place. “We wanted to see if you wanted to go down to the pool with us.”
I put my hands on my hips. “You, pretty girl, are a fish.”
Bryan sat down at the desk chair. “No joke. Good thing this hotel has an indoor pool. I don’t know what we would do to keep her occupied otherwise.”
“You wanna come?” Landry was practically bouncing. I loved her little Southern accent. I loved all their accents actually. Especially Luke’s. His voice slid over me like butter.
“Yes, ma’am. Let me get changed real quick.” A distraction was definitely in order. I had no right to compare Luke’s voice to butter. That was counterproductive to say the least.
***
Bryan and I stayed in the pool with Landry for over an hour. Eventually, we convinced her to work on her breaststroke while we watched from the side. “That little girl would live in the water if you’d let her.” I was amazed at her energy level.
“We finally broke down and got a heater installed in our pool at home so she can be in it year-round. We live in Texas, it’s only cold for like two months.” Bryan glanced my way. “Are you planning on making a trip to Texas anytime soon? I noticed you’re only scheduled on the tour until New York.”
I was suddenly sad because I knew I’d probably never be to Texas to visit. They would all move on, go home together as a family. And I’d head in the opposite direction, back to Florida. “My dad lives in New York, so I’m going to spend some time with him before I need to get back to Miami.” I didn’t really answer her question, but she let it go when Lexi walked up.
“Hey, y’all.” Lexi came and sat on the edge of the pool with us, Halen strapped to her chest in this soft t-shirt sling-looking thing.
I smiled at Lexi and then reached and shook Halen’s little hand. “Hi, gorgeous baby.” She really was beautiful.
