Lust

by Leddy Harper

  After a moment of heavy breathing, she finally opened her eyes again but trained them on the ceiling. I watched as a single tear ran down the side of her face. The sight of Ivy crying left me hollowed out and aching. Knowing I had caused that tear to fall from her eye felt like a knife to my chest, carving my heart out and leaving me lifeless.

  I leaned my body over hers, cupping her cheeks in my hand while trying to silently convince her to look at me. I desperately kissed her lips, quick yet forceful. That made her look at me and I pulled my face as close to hers without losing focus on her panicked eyes.

  “Ivy, you’re okay. Talk to me, please. Tell me what’s going on. What happened?”

  She shook her head in quick, short jerks.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I don’t know. I told you, I can’t do this.”

  I relaxed and pressed my forehead to hers. “Yes you can. You were doing it. You were fine. Just breathe for a second. Take a look around; you’re safe here—you’re safe with me. I promise, Ivy; I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry… I just freaked out.”

  “Do you want me to stop?” God, why did I keep asking that? Even though, I knew why I continually asked. It was because I cared about her wellbeing. I cared about her more than I had ever cared about anyone before.

  Her answer stunned and excited me. “No. Don’t stop.”

  “Are you enjoying it or are you forcing yourself to continue. Don’t do this if you’re hesitant. I want you to enjoy it.” I couldn’t help but think about her retelling of the last time she had sex when she forced herself to keep going. I didn’t want that. Not for her or for me. I would never be able to look at myself again if that’s what she was doing.

  Her legs relaxed and fell back to the table. “Was I… you know… wet?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh a little at her. “I think you already know that answer. You ready?” I asked and as soon as she nodded, I quickly moved my hand back to the warm space between her thighs. I kept one hand on her face, keeping my eyes on hers so that I could watch for any hint of her pulling away from me.

  I made sure to keep my fingers focused on the tiny ball of nerves, steering clear of the wet spot, no matter how much my mind wandered there. I couldn’t afford for her to shut down again. With a little pressure from the tips of my fingers, I began to run in slow, concentrated circles. Her breaths picked up and I noticed her eyes begin to lose focus.

  “Don’t fight it,” I warned, knowing she was close.

  I increased the speed and pressure of my fingers, causing her back to arch slightly off the table and her head to tilt back. I felt her left leg begin to pull up as she dug her heel into the cushioned pad. Her breathing changed as well—instead of coming out in short pants, she was beginning to hold her breath and I knew she was right on the edge.

  “Cade, I have to pee,” she fought back.

  “No you don’t, Ivy. Stop fighting it.”

  “No… I really have to pee.”

  “Ivy, you don’t have to pee. I promise. Stop fighting it and let it go. Look at me.” I waited until her eyes refocused and then said, “Let me give this to you, please. Stop fighting it.” I added a little more pressure to her clit and pressed down on her lower abdomen with the heel of my palm again.

  Once again, she held her breath as a slight glimmer of sweat coated her forehead and her cheeks flushed. When her eyelids started to fall, I didn’t stop them. I knew she was reaching her peak and would start to come down any second. Once she bucked her hips into my hand, I knew there was no going back.

  I watched with immense pleasure, fighting to keep myself from exploding, as her entire body started to convulse and the lungful of air started releasing in jagged, harsh spurts. Her eyes were closed tightly and her brows were pinched together in the middle. Her mouth hung open as she tried to control the shocks that ran through her body. It was the most erotic and beautiful thing I had ever witnessed and an uneasy realization settled deep within me—I would never be satisfied watching another woman orgasm again.

  My fingers slowed as she rode out the lingering waves that jolted her body, leaving her spasming beneath me. I wanted to know what it would feel like to experience that with my cock deep inside of her, but I knew I had to wait for that. I also knew that after watching her explode before me, I would never survive it.

  “Wha–what was that?” she asked, frantically trying to catch her breath.

  “That was an orgasm.” A smile spread across my face and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make it go away. Excitement ran through me as my dick throbbed painfully against my thigh. I felt the beginnings of my own release burn deep behind my bladder and I knew I had to take care of it before I went blind.

  I leaned down and placed a kiss on her dry lips before standing away from her.

  “Where are you going?” she asked, sounding panicked.

  “I… uh… I have to take care of something. Get dressed and meet me in my office when you’re done.” I closed the door behind me and rushed to the bathroom, unfastening my pants along the way. This had never happened before. I had perfected control to the point I could hold it back for nearly fifteen minutes. But watching Ivy come undone stripped me of it all. I had no control when it came to her.

  One second and two strokes later, I was coming in my hand, trying my best to aim the remnants into the trashcan. It was sloppy and I hadn’t done that in almost twenty years, but I was desperate. I cleaned myself off and went back to my office where I found Ivy waiting timidly for me.

  “Ready?” I asked, holding the door open.

  “That’s it? We’re not going to talk about it?” She sounded disappointed and ashamed.

  “Oh, we’re going to talk about it. Just not here. We can talk in the car.”

  She nodded insecurely and walked to me with her head down.

  “No,” I said as I lifted her head up with a finger beneath her chin. “No looking down. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed of. You were fucking perfect and you should be proud of that.”

  She nodded and I took one more opportunity to kiss her lips, leading her out to my car with a firm hold on her hand.

  I no longer had three choices. I didn’t even have two.

  I had one.

  I was never going to be able to let her go.

  Ivy was quiet as I took her back to her apartment. She stared out her window as I drove and seemed to have pulled away from me some. Even her body felt further away. I had known that by pushing her, I ran the risk of pushing her away. At the time when I made that realization, I figured it could have been a good thing. If she made the decision to stop her treatment, there was nothing I could have done about it. But facing that reality made me rethink my logic.

  She tried to jump out of the car as soon as I pulled up to her building, but I held onto her arm and kept her in the car. She wouldn’t even look at me. The panic began to rise, bubbling to the surface. Was this it? Was this the last chance I’d have with her?

  “Talk to me, Ivy. What are you feeling?” I didn’t ask her, it was more like I begged her to talk to me. I was desperate to hear what she was thinking. There was no way in hell I’d let her out of my car without talking to me.

  She rested her head against the seat and looked up at the upholstered ceiling, exhaling loudly as she did so. “I don’t know what I’m feeling, Cade. I’m feeling a lot of things. None of which I can explain accurately.”

  “Can you please try?”

  I could see her eyes cut to me without turning her head. “Scared,” she finally mumbled. I had to strain to make out the word.

  “Scared? Why? Did I do something to scare you?” I asked quietly and tried to maintain my composer, even though I was feeling panicked.

  Her posture was stiff and her breathing sounded a little unsteady in the quiet car. An unknown feeling came over me as I sat next to her, fearful
of the words she might say. Had I gone too far? Had I pushed her beyond what she was able to handle? And if I did… what did that mean for me? For her? For us? I almost didn’t want to hear her answer. I wanted to live inside of this little bubble, remembering the way her face lit up as I took her over the edge for the first time. I wanted to live in that space where it was just her and me. No one else. No other thoughts between us except the ones that reminded us of the wonderful things we had experienced together.

  But I couldn’t stay in this bubble and live there. And neither could she. I could see it on her face as her eyes moved from mine and her fingers twisted together on her lap. Things between us had changed and I didn’t think my heart could’ve raced any more than what it already was… but waiting for her to tell me the exact thing I feared proved me wrong.

  “You make me want things I’ve never wanted before, Cade. I mean, I’ve wanted them… I’ve just never gone after them. They’ve always scared me too much so I blocked them out. But now it’s as if I can’t block them out any longer. You give me the courage to make me want to go after them instead of running away. And that scares me even more because I know that going after them will completely destroy me.” Her voice was so soft it sounded like air.

  I had to force myself to talk, to tell her what she needed to hear, even though I wanted to take a moment to bask in the glory of her words. I couldn’t afford to dwell on them. She had no idea how much her words rang true… not only did she run the risk of destruction, but so did I. And I couldn’t think about that. “That’s a good thing, Ivy. It means you’re getting better. It means what we’re doing is working.”

  Her hands finally stopped twisting together as she pulled them to her face, hiding herself from me. She didn’t want to see me… or didn’t want me to see her—I didn’t know which. It didn’t matter which it was, it nearly ripped my heart out. All I knew was that I couldn’t handle not seeing her face, not knowing how she was feeling, and not being able to make it right. I needed to make it right… to make her right. I needed to look into her eyes to find the reassurance that she was okay.

  I turned myself in my seat until I was looking right at her and pulled her hands from her face by her wrists. Her eyes were pinched closed and her chin pointed down. Something in me took over, making the fear I had been haunted by earlier suddenly change to determination. I held her wrists in her lap with one of mine and used the other to tenderly grab her face. I pulled her gently by her chin until she was facing me and then waited it out until her eyes finally opened.

  “Talk to me. Tell me what is making you close up like this. Tell me what I did or didn’t do… or how to make it right. Lead me, Ivy. Let me help you by leading me. I told you I would follow… let me follow you.” I knew I sounded desperate, even to my own ears, but I didn’t care. If I had to show how desperate I was in order to get her to open up, then so be it. My heart clenched in my chest as I came to the conclusion that I would do almost anything at that moment to make her feel better.

  “I already told you,” she argued.

  “No you didn’t. You told me that you want things… what things? What do I make you want?”

  “I want to touch you,” she blurted out. The shock of her admission was clear on her face.

  “Then touch me.”

  I released her hands so that she could do what she wanted and leaned forward, offering her my bare chest. Her fingers reluctantly went to my collarbone and then slowly moved to my chest. Her eyes followed her fingers, never looking back into my eyes. But then her hand kept going until she paused at my belly button, lightly stroking the line of hair that ran beneath it. My breath stopped and the air that was on its way out turned into a stone knot inside of my throat. Her words filled my head as realization settled in the pit of my stomach. She wanted to touch me. There.

  The sound of her breath in the car had vanished with mine until there was complete silence surrounding us. I kept my eyes on her face as she kept hers on her hand. With one quick intake of air, she moved her fingers again until they were on the button of my jeans.

  “Wait,” I whispered, barely getting the word out. I felt lightheaded as my cock started to grow in my pants, angry at me for grabbing her hand and pulling it away. But I couldn’t think about my aching dick or the throbbing burn in my balls. I had to think about Ivy and what we were doing. “You can’t.”

  Her eyes shot up to mine, the red flecks burning with unasked questioned.

  “This has to be about you… not me,” I said, trying my best to explain. It was the truth, though. Never, not once in my career had I allowed a woman to touch me during treatment. It was never about what they could do to me; it was always what I could do for them. If any of my clients needed help with that department, I had plenty of exercises or videos for them to watch and learn from. I never allowed them to practice on me. It was against my policy.

  Yet I had never wanted a woman to touch me as much as I wanted her to. Never.

  Ivy looked as though she was about to say something but then closed her lips. My heart was pounding in my chest, and in my pants, as I waited for her to do or say something. It seemed like a lifetime had passed before her hand was on the door handle and swinging it open. I tried to catch her but failed; my fingers narrowly missed her shirt as she flew out of the car.

  I slammed my hands against the steering wheel, letting out a string of curses, and then shut the car off, chasing her up the stairs to her apartment. I caught up with her on the top step and forced her to turn around and face me.

  “Don’t run from me like that, Ivy,” I panted out breathlessly. I wasn’t out of breath from the run or the stairs… I was out of breath because of what she did to me in the car. I hadn’t lied when I told her she literally stole the breath from my lungs, and that moment proved it to be true.

  “I can’t do this, Cade,” she whimpered, and that’s when I noticed the tears streaming down her face. “Please… let me go. I need to go inside. I need to be alone. Please.”

  Her pleading voice and the level of desperation in her tone caused me to let go of her, but I couldn’t just turn around and walk away. She had me. Her tears nearly broke my heart in two. But that was the problem because she didn’t even know—she had no idea how much she had of me. She literally owned me at that moment.

  I followed her into her apartment, pushing her forward so that she had no other choice but to let me in. The door closed behind me as I leaned against it, watching as she continued to back away from me. Her eyes were wide and scared; the soft light from a single lamp in the corner gave away her true emotions. I had once thought of her like a scared kitten and my initial reaction was to corner her. But standing there and looking at her now, all I wanted to do was sit and wait for her to come to me, to trust me enough to eat from my hand.

  “I don’t know what you want me to do,” she confessed quietly, filling the room with her soft words. They landed on my ears like a whisper, like her lips were right there, blowing soft words into them.

  The irony was not lost on me. She didn’t know what I wanted her to do, and I didn’t know what I wanted her to do. I knew what needed to be done, though, but I didn’t think I had it in me to push her away. I shouldn’t have followed her inside her apartment. I shouldn’t have been standing in front of her half naked. And I definitely shouldn’t have been looking at her as if she were, too. All I could think about was the color of her skin as I brought her to orgasm earlier. The way her breaths came out in staggered intervals and the way her body stiffened and then relaxed beneath me.

  “Why do you want to touch me?” I asked, feeling at war with myself.

  She spun around, showing me her back. Without thought, I took the three long strides to reach her and grabbed onto her waist, spinning her and pushing her until her back was against the wall and her chest was against mine. I could feel her heavy panting on my chest and her warm hands on my sides, causing my dick to throb so hard it hurt.

  I grabbed her face with both
hands and tilted it up until I could see her eyes. The streaks of tears were gone, leaving behind nothing but the dried trails of where they had been along her skin. I wanted to lick them until they disappeared, until there was no proof that remained of her pain. I wanted to kiss her eyes until the swelling caused by her fear dissipated.

  “You’re touching me now. Why can’t this be enough for you?” I hadn’t realized how close our lips were until the words were spoken, until I could feel the heat of my question against my own skin as it bounced off hers. It took everything in me to keep myself from closing in that tiny space and devouring her mouth because I needed to know her answer.

  She pushed me away from her and I allowed it, taking a few steps back. The cold absence of her body was immediately felt throughout me. I waited impatiently as she pulled herself together enough to look up and speak.

  “You don’t get it, Cade,” she said defiantly, her voice deep with emotion. “I have read things that make me feel… that make me crave the kinds of feelings you give me. But I never go after it because I know I can never achieve it. I know that if I try, which I have on two different occasions, that it would do nothing but blow up in my face. I know this. So even though I want that, I never even think about giving in. But you…” Her tone changed, softened until her emotions were so raw they were pouring out of her in waves. “…You make me want them. You make me believe I can experience them. Yet the one time I try to go after it, you push me away. You reject me and make me think that I was right all along. I don’t deserve these things. I don’t deserve to feel the things I read about.”

  I felt my shoulders drop, and that voice in my head that told me what was right and wrong fell away. I was no longer thinking about what I should’ve done, that I shouldn’t be there with her and that I shouldn’t give in to her. All I could think about was giving her everything she ever wanted.

  “But why do you want to touch me? Like that?”

  She licked her lips slowly and relented, finally giving me what I had asked for. “I have had sex, twice, but that’s all it was. I have never touched a… a penis before. I don’t know what it feels like. I’ve never really cared before. But now… now I want to. When you did that thing to me, it made me want a lot of things. Things I’ve never wanted before or even cared to have. When I first came to you, it was because I wanted to have sex without feeling like I was going crazy. I wanted to have the opportunities that everyone else has… to be able to have sex when I wanted to.” She shook her head, trying to make sense of the jumbled thoughts that were coming out. “Bottom line? I wanted to have sex in order to be normal. But you make me want to have sex because I want it. You make me wonder what it’s like to touch a man that way. I’ve never had these thoughts before.”