Lust

by Leddy Harper

  She still hadn’t moved by the time I got back to the bed so I pushed the covers back and climbed in. I pulled her beneath the blanket with me, pressing my chest to her back as I slung one arm over her body and pushed the other beneath her pillow. I had never lain in bed with a woman before, but much like I had told Ivy to let her instincts kick in, it was as if my body just knew what to do with her.

  I wanted to wait until she was asleep before drifting off, but there is something to be said about sleeping peacefully. It happens to those who are content. The people with nothing plaguing their minds had nothing keeping them awake. I had never experienced it firsthand and now I knew that it was true. I let go and allowed my mind to take me places I had never been to before... and it took me there with Ivy in my arms.

  I was on my back with my right arm still shoved beneath the pillow and my other arm hooked over my face. I stilled for a moment before opening my eyes; something woke me up. I needed a moment to figure out what it was. And then I realized that even though my arm was still beneath the pillow, there was nothing occupying the pillow anymore.

  I moved my arm away and turned my head to check where Ivy was; she wasn’t lying next to me. Instead, she was standing next to the bed, putting her clothes back on. Worry settled into the pit of my stomach as I stared at her back, wondering where she was going so early in the morning; the sun was barely up and we couldn’t have gone to sleep long before that.

  I threw the covers off and stood, deciding to get dressed as well. If she were going somewhere, I would go with her. Maybe she was just hungry and needed some food. I’d feed her—anything she wanted. Her head turned but her body stayed facing away from me. There was a look on her face that I couldn’t place and it caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand at attention. I couldn’t understand where this was coming from. We had a good night together—no, an amazing night.

  “Where are you going?” I asked as I walked around the bed to her.

  She pulled her shirt over her head without looking at me. “I really do need to get home. I need a shower and clean clothes. I have work that needs to be done and I just need to go home.” She said it as if she needed a hundred reasons to leave in case I had rebuttals to any of them. That worried me because it meant she was desperate to get away from me.

  “Is everything okay, Ivy?” I asked, concerned.

  She nodded but still wouldn’t look at me.

  I walked up to her, not giving her space to turn away, and held her chin with my fingers. I waited until she opened here eyes before talking. “I don’t know what happened between last night and right now, but I really want you to talk to me. Don’t just walk out on me without talking about it.”

  She smiled up at me and her eyes softened. “Cade, I just really need to get home. I don’t have anything to talk about. I feel gross, I need my own toothbrush, I want my own bed, and I desperately need clean clothes. I feel like a bum right now.”

  Her reasons made sense and I felt like shit for questioning her, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong and she just wasn’t telling me. “Okay, I’ll give you a ride then. I have to go to the office anyway; I have been gone for a week and need to get things in order. Just give me a few minutes to get dressed.”

  “No, Cade, you don’t have to do that. I can just call a cab. It’s not problem.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You don’t live far from the office and I really do need to go there.”

  Her face fell as she nodded in agreement.

  I dressed quickly, throwing on a tee shirt and jeans, and then rushed through brushing my teeth and slipping on shoes. I was scared that if I turned my back for too long, she’d slip right out the door. There was a new tension in the air, one I couldn’t place. It felt like she wanted to bolt and I couldn’t handle that so I rushed through it all while keeping one eye on her.

  “Are you sure everything is okay?” I asked as I drove her back to her apartment. She was quiet in the car and it left me feeling unsettled. “I can’t help but think something is going on that you’re not telling me.”

  “I’m just tired. Had a long few days and a rather exerting night last night,” she teased with a small smile. That helped a little. Her smile didn’t seem forced. Maybe she was only tired; God knew I was. I felt like I could sleep for a week.

  “Okay, get some sleep and call me when you wake up. I’ll just be doing paperwork and getting things in order,” I said as I pulled into her now familiar parking lot.

  Ivy opened her door without even waiting for me to get out and help her. Her feet were out of the car and on the pavement before she turned around to look at me. “I don’t know how long it will take; I’m really tired. I might just sleep all day and then through the night again. So don’t plan your day around me.”

  I could only nod as she slipped from the car and closed the door behind her. I knew nothing about relationships, but I did know enough to assume couples kiss before parting. Or at least show some kind of affection toward one another. I just chalked it up to her being tired and needing sleep. I couldn’t put too much thought into it without going insane so I made up excuses and drove to the office.

  Excitement bubbled up inside as I sat behind my desk. I had a purpose and couldn’t wait to get started on it. I knew what it was that I wanted to do and get straight to work getting it done. My mind was made up—I would no longer work as a sexual surrogate. I would leave that behind and move on to what it was I had gone to school for. I had to go through my list of clients and explain the situation, offering assistance in finding another form of therapy or possibly another therapist. I had been the only technical surrogate within two hundred miles, yet there were other sex therapists—they just didn’t get as hands on as I did.

  I spent hours going through each and every one of my clients, calling them personally. I contacted other therapists I’ve worked with or had been in contact with to inform them of my decision and let them know I would be referring patients to their practices. I had been a joke to some, demeaning what I did to their colleagues and looking at me as if I were nothing but a pervert, but most simply accepted it and kept their opinions to themselves. Those are the ones I referred patients to. The others didn’t seem to grasp the changing in times and knew they would be of no help to the people that needed it.

  I decided to take a break around noon, knowing I needed food since I hadn’t had much over the last week. It showed in my body, too. I must’ve done some training while I binged on alcohol because my knuckles were beaten and bruised and my punching bag had been yanked from the ceiling. That was going to be a mess to fix, but so would be the holes in the walls around the house. Apparently, I had made quite a mess, breaking and smashing things, but I couldn’t remember any of it and there was very little evidence left behind after Ivy cleaned it all up. The only reminders I had of the last week were my hands, my weak body, and the destroyed drywall. My break from work couldn’t have come at a better time. I had a lot to fix. And I would start it at lunch.

  I picked up my phone and dialed a number I hadn’t used a long time. It rang twice before a very confused woman answered. “Hey, Krista. I know we’re not supposed to have lunch until next week, but do you think you could meet me today?”

  “Uh,” she said, dragging out the word that was filled with puzzlement. “Yeah. Is everything okay?” Leave it to my cousin to assume something was wrong just because I was calling her and asking her for lunch. Granted, it had never happened before, but that didn’t automatically mean something was wrong.

  “Yes. Everything is actually… really good. I just wanted to talk to you.”

  We made plans to meet at our usual spot. I knew I would get there first since I was ready to leave and she still had to finish what she was working on, but I was okay with that. It would give me time to gather my thoughts before I unloaded everything on her in no particular order.

  She walked into the restaurant fifteen minutes after I did and carefully made her
way toward me. An awkward smile stretched across her face and I knew she’d have a million questions for me, but I also knew she would give me a chance to explain before berating me with them.

  “I’ve decided to quit my job,” I said as soon as she sat down. No greeting or asking how she was doing, just the first confession.

  Her lips pursed and her eyebrows pinched together at the bridge of her nose. “How can you quit, Cade? You own the practice. How does one just quit something they own?”

  “Easy. Just stop doing it. And that’s what I’ve decided. I’m not going to do it anymore.”

  “So what are you going to do instead?” she asked, curiosity lacing her tone.

  “I’m going to go back into marriage counseling. I’m keeping the practice and the office, but I’m changing what it is I’ll be doing there. I have to file some paperwork and stuff and that will take some time, but I think I need the time to get things in order. I’ve never really taken a break from work before.” And that was true. In the last twelve years, I had taken two vacations, and those were nothing more than extended weekends.

  “You haven’t practiced in over a decade; how are you going to do that?”

  “Easy. I’ve kept up with my license and maintained my continuing education hours. Just because I haven’t practiced doesn’t mean I can’t. I’m not stupid. I spent all that money on school; I wasn’t about to lose it all,” I explained, speaking to her like my answer was obvious and she should have just known.

  Krista’s head tilted to the side and her eyes narrowed as she scrutinized me. “Something is different with you. You’re usually broody and cynical. Now you’re just… I don’t know, lighter. Happier. I’d ask if you got laid but I think that’s a rather stupid question. And I think whatever it is that’s making you this way is the reason you’ve decided to switch gears at work. Dare I ask if it’s a female?”

  I let my smile answer that, unable to hide it. I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. I had never acted this way before. The thought of a woman never made me smile before and no one had ever described me as being happy or light.

  “Where did you meet her? What’s her name? I want to hear all about her,” she said enthusiastically as she leaned forward on the table on her elbows.

  “Work. She was a client. Her name—”

  She pushed back with wide eyes and immediately interrupted me. “No. Cade… just no. I have known you my whole life, and I’ve watched you struggle for most of it. If she’s your client, then that can only mean that she has issues, too, and that cannot end well. Two broken people cannot possibly work. You are very put-together in your professional life, but you are a mess in your personal life. You don’t need someone that mirrors that.”

  “Why can’t it work? We can help each other.”

  “Oh, come on, Cade. You’re a smart man; you studied psychology. You know that doesn’t make any sense. Two people that live in the same darkness will only darken the other. If she’s as fucked up as you are on the inside, then she will only make you darker and vice versa,” she argued with a flip of her hand and a roll of her eyes.

  “You don’t know her, Krista. She helps me. I’ve helped her, too.”

  “Does she know? Have you told her about your parents?”

  I stared at her, contemplating my next words. “She knows some of it.”

  “Then how can you possibly tell me that she can help you? She doesn’t even know what it is she’s saving you from. You know as well as I do that you can’t fix something when you don’t know why it’s broken. You don’t need someone that is damaged; she will only damage you more.”

  “No,” I barked from across the table in a deep growl, “we are two broken people that complete each other. Like two halves that come together and make a whole. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I should have never called you. I should have known all you’d do is try to pull me down.”

  She pressed her hands flat on the table in front of her and calmed her voice as she said, “Your theory of two halves making a whole makes sense. I get it. But what you’re not understanding is that you are both broken in the same places. She can’t fill in where you’re lacking because she’s lacking there, too. You need someone who lacks in the areas you’re strong, and is strong in the areas you’re not.”

  “Normal people don’t get me. She gets me. She has talked me through two panic attacks, took care of me after a week-long drinking binge—in which I saw my dead father and he accused me of fucking my mom—and set aside her own insecurities and pain to help me work through some of my own demons. Normal people wouldn’t have done that. They would look at me and give up. I don’t need normal. I need Ivy.”

  She shook her head and blinked a few times before settling her eyes back on me. “I’m going to take this one thing at a time. Let’s start with the attacks. You’re having them again? Since when? And how did she walk you through them?”

  “I guess she realized what was happening and talked me through it. I don’t know.”

  “So she was with you both times? Have you had others when she wasn’t around?”

  I didn’t answer; I knew what she was getting at and I wouldn’t give it to her.

  “And this drinking binge… before I get to the dead father part, why were you drinking that much? You’re smarter than that, Cade. It seems to me like your life has gone downhill ever since this girl came into it. She can’t possibly be any good for you.”

  I could feel my anger begin to boil over. I was on top of the world when I walked into the restaurant, and now all I wanted to do was start flipping tables over and screaming at Krista about how wrong she was. But I had to keep my composure if I wanted to prove her wrong. “The panic attacks were because of the heat. Not her. She only happened to be there when they hit. I drank that much because my own demons were getting to me—hence the dead father. It had nothing to do with her. In fact, she wasn’t even there. I called her and she took a cab to get to me. You don’t know her. You don’t know me.”

  “I do know you. You’re my—”

  “No, you don’t. You know what I went through but that’s it. You don’t know who I am now or the struggles I deal with currently. You’re normal. Normal people don’t understand fucked up people. That’s why I could never be with someone normal. I would never want to be. I don’t even want to be with a fucked up person. But I want to be with Ivy. That should be enough for you.” I sat back just as the waiter brought out our food. I stared at my plate, no longer hungry, and contemplating leaving.

  “I’m only worried about you, Cade. That’s it. You’re telling me about how your life is unraveling and she’s putting it back together. Yet, I see her as being the one that caused it to unravel in the first place. From where I’m standing, she seems like poison.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, and it earned a confused look from my cousin. “Well, that would be fitting, wouldn’t it? Poison Ivy. But what if she’s not poisonous to me? What if she’s poisonous to the cancer inside of me? You don’t even know her or what she’s been through and you’re already judging her and me. She doesn’t judge me. I don’t judge her. How can that possibly be wrong? And I’m not even going to pretend that I know anything about relationships because I don’t. The only thought I’ve ever had on the subject is that it’s destructive. But I do know how I feel. I know how she makes me feel, and I can’t walk away from it.”

  Krista was quiet as she sat across from me; her expression had gone soft.

  “Why can’t that be enough?”

  Her shoulders lifted to her chin and then dropped as a sigh escaped her lips. “Sounds like enough to me. I just worry about you. I know you’re a year older than I am and not a kid anymore, but when it comes to relationships, you kind of are still. You’ve never been in one—or anything resembling one. I just worry about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I’ve seen the pain in your eyes for as long as I can remember, and I don’t even want to think about what will happen if you’re dealt
any more.”

  “I appreciate it, Krista. I really do. But for the first time in my life, I feel okay. I feel better than okay, and I have to believe Ivy has something to do with it.”

  “Now, tell me the truth; why are you changing gears at work?”

  I paused to give thought to her question. I didn’t need to think about my answer, but I did need to contemplate how to word it for her. I took in a deep breath and answered the best way I knew how. “I started my practice as a way to give people an opportunity to have a healthy relationship if that’s what they wanted. Sex is a big reason why relationships fail. But now I just want to give the relationships a chance to work. I chose sex as my profession because of my parents. But what if I could do better by treating the couple versus the individual? What would have happened if my parents had gone to therapy?”

  That was mostly the truth. A really big part of it anyway. But the other part was that I had no interest in seeing another woman naked. I didn’t care to talk sex with anyone or walk them through masturbation. I certainly wasn’t interested in taking anyone else to the backroom and working things out there. All I needed was Ivy, no one else. But I couldn’t tell Krista those reasons. She would turn it into something bad. Even though there was nothing bad about a man wanting to stay faithful to his woman. But she would make it sound as if Ivy was affecting my career.

  “I’m really proud of you, Cade. I can’t say I’ve always understood why you chose the career path of fucking women in order for them to lead healthy lives, but I’ve always supported it. And now I can say I not only understand, but I support you as well. If this Ivy person is responsible, then I guess I can give her a chance, too.” Her words were soft and meaningful. She meant every one of them, and it set a sense of peace within me.

  Everything felt strangely new.

  And everything was falling into place.

  *****