by Ian Tuhovsky
CHAPTER ELEVEN: “EVIL” - SADISM AND SCHADENFREUDE
Humans have this fixation on the concept of “evil”. We are obsessed with it. Most world religion condemns it. Most human society tries to avoid it. Most people who act in a way that offends us earns the evil label. We try and base our lives around its existence, and around avoiding being anything like it.
However, “evil” does not exist anywhere in nature. No animal concerns itself with whether killing its food or its enemy is ethical. No animal worries whether its power comes from righteous means. They do not care if they are being good or being evil. It is an exclusively human concept.
So, what do we humans mean by this word? Often, we are quick to label an action “evil” when it comes from a strange human, which we would not consider evil if it came from a known person, or an animal. When someone we know does an “evil” thing we look for a motivation, for something to excuse them, to make sure they did not intend to cause harm.
If they hit a dog, but the dog was attacking their child, that is fine. If they stole food from a store because they were starving, that is fine. If they threw a stone through a window for no reason at all, we start considering them “bad” or “wicked”, and if someone repeatedly does harmful things without cause, then they are “evil”. Indeed, even if they are generally good people, if they do a particularly heinous thing for no reason, such as murder, they are automatically evil at the first offense.
In short: what we consider “evil” is harm for the sake of harm itself. It is impossible to go through life without causing any harm at all, so we all strive to cause the least harm possible. We justify harm when there is no other way. When someone causes harm for no reason, or causes harm when there was a better way, we consider them to be evil.
We also base our definition of “evil” on our own personal ethics. This happens because although we generally agree on what we consider harmful, we all place the severity on a different scale. For example, to an informed vegan, the lives of thousands of animals are more valuable than the quality of life of one human. To an informed omnivore, the quality of life of a human is more valuable than the lives of thousands of animals. If someone risked a human life to save an animal, the vegan would consider them good, but the omnivore would consider them bad, if not evil.
Very few people actually set out to cause harm for no reason! This is why it is easy to call strangers evil, but not friends. When someone is a stranger, we rarely know their motivation. When they are a friend, we can see that they were doing their best.
Nevertheless, there are some people who do set out to cause harm just because they want to hurt others. Even if you could ask them directly, their honest answer would be “I wanted to hurt someone.” This desire to hurt others for no other reason than to see them squirm can be loosely divided into the sexually motivated desire and the socially motivated desire.
Sadism is the name we give to the behavior of someone who likes seeing others in pain because it brings them sexual pleasure. Although the term is used often, there are actually not many true sadists in the world. Most people are not sexually aroused by pain, no matter how much they strive to cause it. In fact, most people are actively turned off by seeing others suffer.
That said, sadism is based on natural behavior. On some level, pain and pleasure are deeply connected. Love bites, scratching, and other acts of primal lovemaking are things we would not tolerate outside of sex. We would consider it abusive if a partner choked and bit their lover as they did the laundry.
Some adventurous people make an exception in the bedroom to indulge their primitive urges to bite and scratch and bruise. Not only that, but the hormones released during sex make these things feel pleasant, rather than painful. Sadism is just a more extreme form of this natural urge.
A healthy sadist is someone who can compartmentalize their sadistic urges and only act them out with a willing, masochistic partner. They make special time for sex, find someone who enjoys the feeling of pain, and indulge in private, safely, without intent to cause lasting damage.
A toxic sadist is someone who is unable or unwilling to consider the well-being of others at all. They will not seek out a willing partner for private acts. Rather, they may be abusive in public, attack unwilling people, and cause real, lasting harm for the sake of their own sexual thrill. This sort of sadism is actually very rare. Most people who enjoy pain either engage in healthy sadism, or in schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude, or epicaricacy, is a term used to describe when someone simply finds the pain of others to be amusing.
We all experience this urge on some level. It usually manifests as either good-natured or vindictive. Sometimes we see a friend hurt themselves, or do something that cannot possibly end well, and so long as they are not badly hurt, their suffering amuses us. Sometimes we see someone do something we consider to be bad, or evil, and the consequences affect them in such a way we find it entertaining.
A healthy way of living out schadenfreude is when we simply enjoy the “karma” that others have earned, without doing them harm, and preferably helping them at the end. There is nothing evil about laughing when someone falls into the pool after trying to push you in. There is nothing wrong with feeling satisfaction when someone hurting a dog gets hit back. So long as we are not actively harming others for no reason, a little bit of schadenfreude is healthy and natural.
A toxic form of schadenfreude is when someone will actively hurt others for their own amusement. This usually manifests as bullying, though it can be more serious. The person who pushes others into the pool, insults their appearance, or tries to make them do things against their will is probably experiencing schadenfreude.
Whether it is sadistic or just for fun, taking pleasure in the suffering of others is a key component to many Bad Guys' behavior. Of course, some Bad Guys just don't care. But the ones who enjoy seeing you suffer are even more dangerous. A Bad Guy who does not care will at least stop causing suffering when they have what they want. A Bad Guy who enjoys your pain will keep on hurting you no matter how much they get.
For example, my girlfriend could have just enjoyed the easy life living with me provided for her. She did not. She seemed to enjoy seeing me squirm, so her bad behavior escalated to bullying. By the end, her desire to hurt me could no longer be ignored. Had she not bullied me, I might have justified her behavior for much longer and continued living with her.
Masochism naturally plays an enormous part in how this aspect of a Bad Guy unravels. Many victims of abuse find that they gain a feeling of power when they indulge in masochistic behavior. Again, healthy masochism exists. This is where the person enjoys pain and engages in it in a consensual, safe, controlled environment. They have a safe word, and outside of the bedroom the sadist is a normal, loving partner to them.
On the other hand, some masochists end up in relationships where they have no control and no safety at all. This is far more dangerous for them and invites Bad Guys to stay. On a more basic level, some victims of Bad Guys feel a sort of martyr complex. We shall explore this more in Chapter Fifteen.
At the end of the day, it is important to know where to draw the line. Even the most physically painful acts of sadism and masochism can be safe and healthy if done in a consenting, loving, compartmentalized environment. Even the gentlest, most casual of cruelties can be toxic and deeply scarring if done in a toxic and dangerous environment.
Lesson 14: Spotting sadism and schadenfreude.
Because, as mentioned, some types of schadenfreude are ridiculously common, it can be difficult to spot Bad Guys who enjoy acts of sadism and schadenfreude. It is very easy to justify someone's behavior, and most people, even Bad Guys, will offer an excuse to cover their less than pleasant acts.
“I was not feeling well.”
“I didn't realize what I was doing.”
“They hurt me first.”
There is always an excuse. Always. What you need to do is separate the justifiable reasons from the ex
cuses, to unmask evil.
Exercise:
A simple way of learning to detect sadism and schadenfreude is playing Devil's Advocate. First of all, look for someone undeniably evil. Then, see if you can justify their behavior somehow. This will show you how easy it can be to cover for a Bad Guy!
On the other hand, you have to consider scale. We label some people evil because they did not have to deliberately cause the harm. Even when they give us an excuse, we know there was a better way of solving their problem.
Therefore, when we are faced with someone who has done something we find to be atrocious, we need to step back a moment and analyze the situation before acting. Firstly, we need to ask ourselves if they had other options. And secondly, we need to ask ourselves if we are making excuses for them if we are playing Devils' Advocate. People should not be judged and labeled as evil without certainty of their underlying motivations.
Lesson 15: Separating the kinky from the dangerous.
Again, many people engage in sadomasochistic sexual behavior in a safe and healthy way. There is nothing wrong with any kink, however odd it may seem to others, as long as it is:
Safe
Empathetic
Consensual
However, if you are practicing sadomasochistic sex, it is important to make sure that you are doing so in a safe, empathetic, and consensual way. It can be easy for a Bad Guy to blur the lines. They may insist, “you like this”, “we agreed to this last time”, or “I thought you wanted it” to cover up their abusive behavior.
It is therefore vital to set clear boundaries at all times, and to enforce them. And if your partner keeps trying to push, break, or bend your boundaries without your consent, then you know you are dealing with someone who is a Bad Guy.
Exercise:
Whenever you find yourself feeling uncomfortable about the level of sadism in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this something new, which we need to discuss?
Have they asked for my permission to do this?
If I ask them to stop, do they stop?
Are they giving me time to adapt and feel good?
Are they limiting this to the bedroom and other sexual contexts?
Are they loving, caring, and affectionate in their own way after the act is complete?
If the answer to all those questions is a solid “yes”, then you are in a healthy relationship full of safe, empathetic, consensual interactions. If the answer to any of those questions is “maybe” or “no”, then you are in a relationship which may be dangerous or may just need more communication. But if the answer to half or more of those questions is “no”, then you are dealing with a Bad Guy who is willing to put your safety behind their enjoyment.
CHAPTER TWELVE: SPOTTING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR
Lying is a part of being a human. We all lie from time to time. Whether we consider lying right or wrong, it is important to note that it is normal, and that lying, in and of itself, does not make a person a Bad Guy.
If someone lies because they want to spare your feelings, because they are scared of an overblown reaction, or because they are ashamed, then they are probably just normal people. Likewise, if they lie once or twice a week, that is perfectly ordinary.
Pathological lying is different. Pathological liars lie compulsively. It is a matter of habit for them, which they often cannot stop even when they do not want to. Usually it has no clear end goal and can be so completely directionless that it can even hurt the liar themselves. They may stick to their guns and create elaborate fake worlds and backgrounds that they insist are real. Or they may lie at random, about whatever they feel like lying about at the time, often contradicting themselves. They just can't stop lying. [31]
It has actually been found that a pathological liar's brain is wired differently to a normal person's brain. Whereas a normal person, when asked a question or given a turn in a conversation, will start thinking and formulating a response based on the truth, a pathological liar will not. They will begin lying before they have even had time to think of a reply. Not only that, but when telling the truth, a part of their brain lights up showing discomfort. They are literally hardwired to lie to us.[32]
There is no set way of catching a pathological liar. Even the APA refuses to include it in the DSM, because the tells are so variable from person to person. Psychiatrists maintain it is hard to tell when a pathological liar is to blame for their actions and when they are not. It is a very hard thing to define and detect, even for trained professionals.
Pathological lying is more a symptom of many different psychological and behavioral disorders. Very few people are pathological liars without suffering from a disorder. And even those who do not suffer a disorder will also display other behaviors, like narcissism or sadism, which are a more important part of their problem than lying. Quite simply, pathological lying is a sign of a problem. Or a way a problem manifests. It is not a condition in and of itself.[33]
Sometimes a pathological liar will weave their lies together to make themselves look better. This is quite rare, as usually this sort of lying is controlled, and therefore not pathological. However, some cases have been identified where an individual commits so much to a lie that they continue to lie pathologically to defend it.
Sometimes a pathological liar will genuinely believe their lies. This is also rare but happens in cases such as when someone is a narcissist, or when they suffer from other delusional ideas about themselves. They create an ideal world where they are everything they want to be. It is very difficult to persuade them that their lies are not real.
In most cases, a pathological liar lacks direction. They know they are not telling the truth. They contradict or even harm themselves. They just cannot stop. Even when it’s not being done for any particular reason, pathological lying can harm relationships. At the very least it will make them a difficult person to live with. If someone will say they are outside waiting for you when they are not, or that they made food when they have not, you cannot rely on them at all. You always have to check and second-guess everything they say or do which can be utterly exhausting.[34]
Pathological liars, like any liar, do not just lie with their words, they also lie by omission. This is when they simply do not tell you something. Of course, we cannot always expect the other people in our lives to tell us all about everything they have said, done, or thought that day. But when someone consistently forgets to tell you things, especially things which concern you and may affect you, they are still demonstrating the behavior of a pathological liar!
A pathological liar can also lie with their actions. A pathological liar may not say something which is not true, but they might decide not to correct you when you assume something that is not true. Or they may act like they know what they are doing to give you false confidence in them.
Someone renting an expensive car to impress you and persuade you to join their pyramid scheme, someone not correcting you when they hear you making a false assumption, or someone crying to get what they want, are all examples of lying with actions. If someone regularly does this, they are behaving like a pathological liar, even if they are not actively lying.
For example, my business partner would regularly act as though he knew what he was doing, and get indignant when I accused him of lying to me. In doing this he wanted to make me believe things that were not true. Just like a verbal lie, the end goal of his actions was to trick me.
Lying by omission or by action plants ideas in your head without the liar ever having to say a thing! This means they can gaslight you, because when you confront them they will easily say, “I never said that, it's all in your head”, and therefore escape the confrontation.
People who regularly lie by omission or by action to make you believe false things are engaging in an activity called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your perception of the world is wrong. Maybe they are trying to make you doubt your senses, or your sanity. Mayb
e they are trying to challenge your worldview by manipulating you into following theirs. But rather than opening a debate about facts, they are simply trying to worm their way into your mind and convince you that your own judgment is poor and theirs is excellent.
Gaslighting is a particularly heinous manipulation tactic because most people do not realize it is happening. A pathological liar can gaslight you by saying, “I never said that”, “you are imagining things”, or “I am sure it did not happen that way”. They can gaslight you by acting in a patronizing manner, or by not considering your perception and emotions, causing you to doubt yourself.[35]
The end result of living with a pathological liar can often mean either constant self-doubt, or chaos. Either they use their lies to control you, causing you to feel insecure and helpless without them, or they are completely out of control of their lying, resulting in constant consequences for them, you, and everyone in your lives.
Lesson 16: The words used by liars.
Liars tend to speak slightly different from people who are telling the truth. The three key differences between liars and honest people are: verbal diarrhea, third person use, and swearing.
