“I told you, I came to help you collect that reward money.”
“You, my dear sister, lie like a cheap rug.” I munched on an Oreo as the penny dropped. “I get it, you’re here to see AJ.”
“No, he said he was leaving early this morning and I figured he’d be gone.”
I swallowed, “Good point.”
“Why are you so suspicious?”
“Because I know you Teagan Shannon. You weren’t very excited about helping me solve the murder yesterday. Then you meet AJ. Now you’re running over to Mom and Daddy’s to collect the key and let yourself in, at the butt crack of dawn, on a day in the middle of your vacation. What the hell did you tell them anyway? Is Mom going to drop by, because I swear on all that’s Holy, if you have set me up for a series of unannounced Mom visits, I’m gonna put a hex on you the likes of which has not been seen in several centuries.”
“Jeez, I’ve not made hash of your life Cara, do you really think I’d set Mom on you? Besides the fact that with one less daughter I’d be all the more handy a target, think, if Mom were to come here she would find AJ. If that were to happen, neither your life, nor mine, would be much fun for a while.”
“Then I don’t get it. Why the key?”
She said not a word, but gave me a brilliant smile. The same smile she gave me back in fourth grade, when she found out that I’d shared a cigarette with Sandy in the backyard and she knew that she had massive control over all of my actions for the rest of my life.
It dawned on me slowly. I was flummoxed no more. I smiled and said, “Ok, I get it. If you have the key, Mom doesn’t have the key. And if Mom doesn’t have the key, she can’t show up here unannounced and catch you with AJ.”
“I’m in the wick! Are you kidding? I’ve not even gone out on a first date with the man and you have us in a little house with a picket fence. What else? Four kids and a great dane?”
“A great dane? Where did that come from? An Irish wolfhound maybe. A mastiff perhaps. I could even go for a puggle, but a great dane?”
“Great danes are great dogs. It’s even part of their name. I’ve always wanted one.”
“Really? I seem to remember you saying, just a week or two ago, that if God had intended for you to have an animal, he’d introduce you to a rock star. Remember, you said a rock star is all the animal you can handle, but that you’d love to handle one. You said it right in front of that lady in line at the deli, and I thought for a minute that we were going to have to call for help. She looked like she was going to faint, and then she burst out laughing, and I thought her teeth were going to fall out. Remember that?”
“That was your fault.”
“Mine? Teagan, how was that my fault?”
“Because you were talking about getting a white china hooded rat. We both know if you needed a babysitter for that creature, it would be me. I don’t want to look into the beady little eyes of a rodent.”
“Then don’t turn around.”
She jumped out of her chair with such a start I thought she’d upset the whole table. She’d glanced over her shoulder and caught a look at my latest addition. He’s a tiny little thing. I think he looks like he is somewhere between a church mouse and a field mouse.
The difference being, of course, a church mouse has slightly longer arms, so he can fold his hands in prayer, and tiny little calluses on his knees.
Teagan screeched, “Jesus Christ Cara. You almost killed me. Sweet Mother of God what is that?”
It’s funny how Irish we sound when we panic. Hold over from childhood, I’m sure. I calmly responded, “That is Catnip. He’s my new pet.”
Her eyes were huge, “Is he real?”
“If he is, he’s damn good at holding still! What do you mean is he real? Of course he isn’t real.”
“Why do you have a fake rat?”
“He isn’t a rat, he’s a mouse.”
“Fine, why do you have a fake mouse?”
I smiled my very bestest big sister smile, “He’s the perfect alternative. When you have a completely self-centered sister that won’t help you care for a loved creature of God, you have to do what you can. This is what I can do.”
“Only you would stuff a mouse Cara!”
“You’re such a sick woman. I didn’t stuff a mouse. He’s made out of mohair, an old pair of pantyhose, some glass beads and other stuff.”
She leaned in for a closer look and said, “What did you make his hands out of? They look real.”
“I didn’t make him, I bought him, but looking at his hands I can only think of two things. Either chicken feet or she pulled them off a real mouse.”
Teagan stood there staring at Catnip in horror.
I had to laugh, “For such a smart woman, I worry about you some times. His feet are made out of that polymer clay stuff. She pushes the right color clay through a little extruder. It isn’t rocket science Teagan. Get a grip.”
“Me get a grip? You have a stuffed rat in your kitchen.”
“He isn’t a rat, he’s a mouse, and his name is Catnip. Show some respect.”
She burst out laughing, really, what else could she do?
“My God Cara, you’ve lost the plot. Really. There is a fine line between eccentric and insane. Just which side of that line are you leanin’ toward? Maybe Mom does have reason to worry.”
I pulled apart my Oreo and said, “I haven’t lost the plot you dink, that’s a birthday present for Seamus. What little boy wouldn’t want to have a stuffed mouse to impress his friends and gross out his mother?”
“You know you’ll pay for all these weird gifts you give the kids. Cara, sooner or later you will have children of your own, and when you do, all those gifts are going to come back and haunt you.”
“Actually, I’ve told everybody in confidence, that they are all from you. Told ‘em you’re too girly. Didn’t want to ruin your reputation with the kids. All those gifts, all these years, they’re all gonna come back and haunt you.”
“Oh lovely.”
“Can we get on with it then?”
She gifted me with one of her eye rolls, “Talking to you about anything is about as useful as a lighthouse in a bog, but I’m willing to give it a try.”
We’d just sat down to come up with something completely brilliant when Teagan’s phone rang. Some calamity at the office. She had to go home to find the answer in paperwork.
I was left to my own devices.
I took a nap.
TEN
Teagan used the emergency key and walked into my apartment unannounced. I’d have to nip this rather irritating habit in the bud but quick.
I smiled at my sister and said sweetly, “Mom called.”
“When?”
“About 20 minutes ago. She’s looking for you. I’m pretty sure you’re in really big trouble. What did you do?”
She looked confused, “I didn’t do anything.”
“That didn’t work in third grade and it isn’t gonna work now.”
“Cara, may I remind you that I really didn’t do anything in third grade. That was you and Liam.”
“Did saying that save your butt then?”
“No, Mom believed you.”
“She’s gonna believe me this time too. I’m her favorite.”
“No you’re not.”
“True enough, but you can’t talk your way in to or out of anything. You have no gift for gab. You could kiss the Blarney Stone till it asked for your hand in marriage, and still, you couldn’t talk your way out of a paper bag.”
“Your point?”
“You, my dear sister, may have been blessed with a body from heaven and a mind any professor would envy, but I was not only stricken with the hairy toe gene, I also inherited Uncle Bud’s gift of gab. I can talk my way in or out of anything. Not an issue for me.”
“Cara, you just bragged that you’re a liar.”
“You aren’t listening. I’m not a liar. I don’t have to lie.”
Teagan rolled her eyes, “Oh,
here we go, teach me oh wise ass, I mean wise woman.”
“It’s an old joke Teagan. You run into a high school friend that has an unattractive child in tow. What do you say about the kid? You look the mother square in the eye and say, ‘For the life of me I just can’t decide who she favors more, you or her father. You must be thrilled with her.’ It’s an honest comment and you can say it with conviction.”
She smiled brightly and said, “Is that what they told Mom about you?”
“No, they told Mom not to worry, that some day she would have another daughter that would make even me look good. That’s what happened when you came along.”
She shook her head and said, “You really are quick.”
We each pulled the face we always pulled when we were young and had to make up after a tiff. Mom was always quick to point out that friends come and go, but you’re stuck with your sister till you die, so you’d better learn to get along.
Me, being the older and more mature sister, said, “Can we start this now?”
“I’d love to.”
“Good, cause Mom is calling back later, we’ll know soon enough what she has planned.”
Teagan pulled up a dining room chair and sat with a perfectly straight back, a habit we both formed in step dancing class, at about the age of 5, and said, “We left off trying to decide if we should go for the reward money for the murder of that Rosenbloom woman, or if we should go ahead and find some other reward to hone in on.”
“It’s home in on, not hone in on. Rumor has it Bush started the hone in thing, you don’t want to go there.”
“True.”
I scooted my chair closer, “I’m no longer waffling. I think we can make the original plan work. As you might recall, I actually talked to the magnificent Mr. AJ while you were sucking down dinner.”
“He is pretty magnificent isn’t he?”
“We’re staying on topic here.”
She nodded once, “Got it.”
“So, while you were doin’ the Hoover thing with your mondo-dinner, I was actually listening to what AJ had to say.”
“That isn’t fair. I listened.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really.”
I raised my eyebrows and lowered my chin in challenge, “Then what did we talk about that will lead us right to the murderer of Mrs. Lily Ivy-Rosenbloom?”
“Ok, so maybe I wasn’t listening every second, but be fair, no one listens to you every second.”
“I understand that.”
She brightened, “So, what’s going on?”
“AJ is a computer genius.”
Her turn to look impressed, “A computer genius?”
“Yep.”
“He said that? That’s kind of conceited. That doesn’t sound like AJ.”
“He didn’t say the genius part, I did.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that computers are kind of a hobby with him.”
Her face shifted from impressed to puzzled, “How does that make him a genius?”
“Have you ever seen a guy that looks that good in linen pants, without even trying, and can deal with not just one of us, but both of us, and at the same time. The man has got to be a genius.”
“Good point.” She said, “So how does AJ being a computer genius lead us straight to the murderer of Mrs. Ivy-Rosenbloom?”
“You just don’t listen to a word I say.”
“That’s pretty much true.”
I yelped, “Don’t be a jerk. The answer is on the Internet. We’ve come full circle here. All we have to do is input the right information so that the output tells us what we need to know so that we can figure out who the murderer is. Then we can collect the reward in a timely fashion. I’m thinking if we find out the murderer is not the husband, then he will be more than happy to share some of his vast wealth with us in return for that information. If I play my cards right, I could end up with more than just the reward money.”
“That’s called blackmail Cara.”
“No, it would be blackmail if we profit by not telling the cops. If it works out my way, and he didn’t do it; and we find proof and make that proof available to him and the cops, that makes us consultants.”
She smiled, “Consultant is better. Less jail time.”
“Well, that depends on what you’re consulting on. Think white-collar crime. Seems to be running rampant these days, but I’m all about staying out of jail. Horizontal stripes are a nightmare.”
“Agreed, although they might work on you. One of the many advantages of being tall and thin.” She sounded a little wistful, like maybe being all curvy wasn’t always ideal. Hmmm…
She was immediately all business, “So how’s AJ going to help us?”
I’d been thinking about it all night, “I think he can help us narrow the search to get the right information from the Internet. When I was looking online, I had so many hits on anything and everything that I couldn’t wade through the information. There has to be some type of filter he can shoot all the information through so that I can find just what I need.”
“Cara, you can just go to the Google Web Search Help Center and they will tell you how to do that. It’s in really simple steps. Anyone can do it.”
“And you chose not to tell me this when I was telling you about my millions of hits because?”
She shrugged, “I figured you knew.”
“You’re kidding right?”
“No, I figured that now that you know how to work your email you would get nosey and start poking around. Cara, you are the nosiest person I’ve ever met in my life. I figured if I didn’t say anything, the fact that I hadn’t tried to push it on you would make it that much more alluring.”
“I gotta admit, that does sound like me.”
“Yeah, it does, so what happened?”
I pulled apart a paperclip and whined, “I’m not sure. I’ve been in a kind of funk since Suzi left. Maybe I have abandonment issues.”
“You knew the woman for a couple of years. She was your roommate not your parent, partner, or even your stylist. And she’s not dead, she just got married.”
“True.”
“So what do you think the problem is?”
I took a breath and confessed, “I guess I’m jealous. Envious?”
“Of what?”
“Of Suzi. One day she’s sitting at home, pretty much living the same life I’m living. She gets offered this great job, right out of the blue, full of adventure and excitement. Seems like the next day this guy is madly in love with her. My cynical side thought it was a little quick, but it’s real. They have something like Mom and Daddy. I didn’t think that existed any more. It does. Why can’t I find it?”
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