“OK, what’s the matter?” I said, taking a seat on her bed.
“Everything.”
“That narrows it down perfectly. Didn’t you go out with Mike Elias tonight?” Elias was in my class and he was always telling me how much he admired my sister. He buttered me up a lot. I was very indifferent to him, sometimes downright rude, but he ignored or took everything I dished out.
“Yes,” she said, unbuttoning her blouse. I saw a red streak down the back of her neck. It looked like a scrape of some sort.
“What happened here?” I said, getting up and touching it.
“He was a bit clumsy in the ‘throes of passion.’ How do you like that expression? Shirley Bennet showed it to me in a book today. ‘The throes of passion.’” Her lips grew tight and she squinted her eyes as if she were about to break out in tears.
“Beautiful. What really happened?”
“That’s what happened,” she said, with a little laugh following her as she hung the blouse up in the closet. She unzipped her skirt and stepped out of it.
“Where did you go with him?”
“Where you went with Cora two nights ago, Kaplan’s Lake. It was a great spot—dark road to the lake, and parking there with the moonlight dancing on the water. Isn’t that the way you put it?”
“You went there just because I went there, didn’t you?”
“You know good spots are hard to find. Mike always wants to go to the cemetery and I don’t feel comfortable there.”
“Shit.”
“What’s the matter, Leon?” she asked with a sly smile on her face. I watched her reach back and unfasten her bra. Her breasts shook for an instant and then stabilized in their firmness. At fourteen, Ursula had the bosom of a fully grown woman. She turned around and reached up for her nightgown.
“So? What happened to make you so upset and bring you home early?” I waited as she went out to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. I didn’t like the way she was avoiding me. It wasn’t like her. Usually she was eager to discuss her dates and get my opinions. The first night she let a boy put his hand on her naked breasts, she came home and we lay together on her bed in the dark. She spoke softly, telling me how it sent electricity through her body.
“He had his leg between mine,” she told me, “and I felt him pressing against my vagina.”
“Vorgina,” I said. It was automatic.
“I liked it. We got into a kind of rhythm. I had two orgasms.”
“What about him?” I said dryly.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t interested in what he had. Are girls interested in what you have?”
“Sometimes. Cora Brooks is always asking me how it feels. She drives me nuts that way. I keep telling her to shut up and she keeps asking me how it feels. I think she’s keeping some secret statistics.”
“I can see where that would be annoying.”
So it was very unusual for Ursula to be close-mouthed about her dates. When she came out of the bathroom, I asked her again.
“What upset you tonight?”
“I went to the brink,” she said, getting into bed, “and I lost control.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember how I’m always telling you how much control I think I have because I’m so aware of my body and its reactions to things?”
“So?”
“I don’t have it.”
“Are you going to make sense or not? If you don’t want to talk, it’s perfectly all right with me,” I said, and started for the door.
“Don’t get so uptight. It isn’t easy this time.”
“OK,” I said, turning back. “OK.” I was quiet. I sat back on her bed and leaned against the wall, waiting.
“We had intercourse,” she finally said. I closed my eyes hard when she said it. I remember doing that, but I don’t know why. I didn’t say anything even though she paused for a few moments. “I remembered what you told me about Cora getting excited when you spent all that time kissing her shoulder. It sounded good somehow. I got him to do it to me. He was impatient, but I kept him at it.”
She paused again. I thought about Mike Elias, a tall, lean redhead with milk-white skin. He had freckles scattered over his neck and forehead. He wouldn’t be bad-looking except for some missing teeth.
You could see he was aware of it because he rarely gave anyone a wide smile and had the habit of mumbling a lot. He didn’t open his mouth enough to voice sounds clearly.
“We were in the back of his car,” she went on. “He had his hand between my legs too. I just felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t do something to stop the pounding of my heart. Do you know what I mean, Leon? Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes,” I said. I didn’t look at her when I said it, though. She went on.
“I took my bra off myself. Just the way Cora did. You said that had a big effect on you. He kept kissing my breasts, my nipples, between my breasts, working his way down my body with his lips. That was wild, Leon. Did you ever do that? Huh?”
“No. Yes. I don’t remember.”
“What got me was …”
“What?”
“He kept kissing me further and further down. My skirt and panties slipped off and I felt his lips there. I sat back with my right leg up on the back of the front seat. I heard him take his pants off. I couldn’t think. I had gone beyond thought. Did you ever get that way, Leon?”
“Stop asking me questions.”
“I’m just trying to explain.”
“So. Just explain.”
“Leon, I just opened up to him. There was no resistance, no control. He was wild and clumsy and sloppy. That’s when he scratched my neck. I bawled him out afterward,” she said, giggling, but it was a very nervous-sounding giggle. “You should have seen that.” She giggled again. I felt her reach out and touch my shoulder, but I didn’t look at her. “Leon?”
“What?”
“Are you listening to me?”
“Yes.”
“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?”
“Why should I be mad at you? It’s your body. If that’s what you wanted and he’s the one you wanted it with … besides, remember what the doctor said: ‘If you’re hungry, you eat.’”
“Do you really think he meant this? I mean, do you actually think he meant for us to have intercourse now?”
“Why not?” I was surprised at the high pitch my voice took. I sounded like Pin.
“Should I do it again?”
“It’s up to you.”
“I was thinking about asking the doctor for birth control pills. I figure that would be a good way to see just how serious he was when he told us sex was just another Need, another physiological Need, as he called it.”
“I don’t think I totally agree with that, but if the doctor said it… are you really going to ask for pills?”
“I thought I’d go to the office one day and sort of ask him through Pin, know what I mean? It’ll be easier. He’ll answer through Pin. I’m sure of it. You told him about your intercourse with Beverly Steine through Pin, didn’t you?”
“No. I just told Pin,” I said. She didn’t say anything for a while. I felt her hand travel down until she found mine on the bed. We remained like that in the darkness until I got tired and went to sleep in my own bed. She was disappointed that I didn’t stay with her longer.
Ursula never asked father for the birth-control pills. She said she didn’t have the nerve.
“I stood in front of Pin for a couple of minutes, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.”
“Why not?”
“I felt… silly.”
I didn’t laugh, but she knew what I thought of that. I was also well aware of how many times she went out with Elias after the first night they had intercourse. (I always wanted to say “screwed” or “fucked,” but father’s terminology was most influential. I knew the other guys laughed behind my back when I used the word “penis” for “prick,” or “vorgina” for “cunt.”) Ursu
la wanted to describe each date to me, but I started acting bored and disinterested. She was always eager to hear about my dates, though. One night I told her I was taking Miriam Cohen to the drive-in. We were doubling up with Tony Martin, who had a station wagon.
“How could she go out with you? Every time I look at her in school, I think of that day when you snuck in on us and played with her ass.”
“She’s forgotten, I guess. Or else the memory excites her.”
“But she’s so ugly and she has that bad acne all over her forehead and on her neck.”
“I can handle it.” My revelation was having just the effect I thought it would have on Ursula.
“You must be getting desperate. What’s the matter with Cora?”
“I’m tired of her.”
“Are you really attracted to Miriam Cohen?”
“Every girl is a new adventure for me.”
“Bullshit,” Ursula said. “I don’t believe you.”
“Suit yourself.”
When I came home that night, she was waiting for me in my room. I know she heard me come in, but she pretended to be asleep in my bed. I went to the bathroom, got undressed, slipped on pajama bottoms and came out. She was still lying there with her eyes closed. So I sat on the bed and acted as though I didn’t even notice her. When I slipped under the covers, she opened her eyes and stretched.
“What time is it?”
“One-fifteen.”
“How was your date with Miriam?” she asked, sitting up quickly. As usual, she had crawled under my covers naked.
“Very bad. She was a virgin.”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t expect that.”
“Let’s just say I had my suspicions.”
“So?” She was waiting for me to go on, but I didn’t respond. “What didja do?”
“I was going ahead with it anyway, but when I got between her naked thighs, I found pimples all over the inside of her legs, right up to her crotch.”
“Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick,” she said, holding her stomach. I laughed.
“So I went out and bought two portions of hot buttered popcorn.”
“Serves you right.”
“I wouldn’t talk,” I said, but I regretted saying it almost immediately. I don’t know why I said it. She was quiet for a few moments. Then she spoke up.
“Leon?”
“What?”
“I’m scared about something.”
“What?”
“I haven’t had my period. It’s more than three weeks late.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I wish I was.”
“Holy shit,” I said, sitting up quickly.
“Remember what the doctor told us,” she said. “It’s not a hundred-percent certainty.”
“Yeah, but… what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Wait a little longer, I guess.” She rested her head on the pillow and pulled the covers up to her neck.
“Holy shit.”
“Stop saying that, damnit.” I lay back again too. We were both staring up at the ceiling. “I guess I should have had the nerve to ask the doctor for the pills, huh?”
“I guess so, or at least been more careful. You’ll hafta tell him.”
“I just … can’t.”
“You’ll hafta. The longer you wait, the worse it can be,” I said. I had the craziest thought going through my head. I imagined that my father would blame me for her pregnancy. I imagined that he knew all about us and our intimate conversations. He’d find out through Pin. The thought made me sweat.
“Leon, the doctor’s done an abortion in his office. I know he has.”
“How did you find out? And don’t say Pin told you,” I added quickly.
“I wasn’t going to say that. I read something on his desk,” she said after a moment’s hesitation. If father ever found that out, he’d be enraged.
“I suppose you also read who it was.”
“Yes. It was that fat Lillian Rogers, the woman who has five kids and lives on the other side of Glen Wild in that old, broken-down-looking house. Her husband probably made her get it.”
“Right in the office?”
“Yes.”
“I guess there’s not that much to it then.”
“There’s going to be only one way to find out.”
“Do you think he would tell mother?”
“No.”
He didn’t, either. Another week passed and the second one had started when Ursula told father. She went over to his office and waited out in the lobby for him just like any other patient. I walked over with her, but I didn’t have the nerve to hang around when she told him. I ran all the way home and waited for her in my room. It seemed like hours before she came back.
“He’s going to do it Sunday,” she said, “when the office is closed.”
“How did he … what did he say when you first told him?”
“He listened and asked me questions just like he would ask anyone questions. It gave me the creeps. I almost felt like paying Miss Sansodome when I finally left. He’s having a quick test done, but there’s little doubt.”
“He must’ve said something. What’d he say?”
“Nothing. He tinkered with his dumb instruments. I turned to Pin and I talked to him. I kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, Pin. Please forgive me, Pin. I’m sorry.’” She started to cry so I got up and put my arm around her and walked her back into her own room to sit on her own bed.
“It’ll be all right.”
“I wish he had yelled at me or looked disappointed, at least. I almost feel like telling mother.”
“What for?”
“Just to get a reaction.”
“It bothers him. It’s just that he doesn’t like to show it.”
“I don’t think so. What bothers him, if anything, is that he’s got to be in the office on Sunday.” I nodded. What could I say? Father cherished his days off. He really did.
Father went to the office first that Sunday. I accompanied Ursula. Mother didn’t know a thing about it. He looked a little surprised that I had come along too. I stood there in the doorway with her while he made his preparations. We looked at Pin and Pin looked at us, but we didn’t say anything to him. It was father who started talking to him.
“No education like the real thing, eh, Pin?” he said. “This is where it’s at, as the kids say nowadays. I took my time explaining sex to them, gave them a better start than I had; but where did it get me, huh? It got me a Sunday in the office.” He turned around and looked at us. “OK, come on in, Ursula. Leon? Are you going to observe?”
“No, sir.”
“Might be educational.”
Ursula was close to tears. She took my hand firmly in hers and I was afraid she would never let go. I shook my head.
“OK, then,” he said. “You can go out and close the door. Read a magazine.” I nodded.
When I stepped out and turned around to close the door, father had just taken Ursula by the hand and was gently but firmly leading her to the table. I closed the door. My heart was beating very fast. I felt a little shaky. But the thing that surprised me the most was the tear that had made its way down my cheek to the corner of my mouth.
Chapter 4
URSULA STAYED IN BED FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS afterward. My father told my mother that she was having a bad time with her menstruation. Mother brought food up to her, but Ursula ate very little. Most of the time she lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. When I came home, I tried talking to her, but she didn’t answer much. Then on the third morning, she just got up and went to school as if nothing had happened. From that day, though, until she brought Stanley home, she never went out with boys. It was quite a drastic reversal. Mother didn’t seem to notice or care and father was always too busy with his profession to really take an interest. He never really knew much about her dates when she did go out with boys.
For a long time afterward, she didn’t have the Need, or if she did, she kept it bo
ttled up inside her. I asked her about it a number of times, but she just shrugged. I really was very worried about her. Pin and I talked over the situation. I thought she was heading for some kind of mental breakdown. What I used to do was go over to father’s office at night. I had one of his keys. And I’d sit in the dark on the floor at Pin’s feet and talk. I asked Ursula to come with me all the time, but she always refused. The only time she couldn’t refuse was the night mother and father were killed.
Ralph Wilson, one of the local policemen, called at two in the morning. I wasn’t sleeping, but Ursula was.
“Your parents have been in a bad accident, Leon.”
“How bad?”
“Pretty bad. I’ll be over to your house in a few minutes to explain all of it. You and your sister want to be up.”
“I am up.”
“Be right there,” he said. After he hung up, I went into Ursula’s room and woke her up. I had to keep repeating things because she was in such a daze.
“What do you mean, accident?”
“Accident, accident. Don’t you know what accident means? They didn’t slip on the ice. They’re in a car. There must’ve been a crash.”
“Oh, my God.” She finally got up and got her robe on. We went downstairs and waited for Ralph Wilson.
He took his hat off as soon as he walked through the front entrance. I thought that was overly dramatic. I’ve known Ralph Wilson all my life and it seemed very strange for him to be acting so formal with us. Ursula stood to the side, squeezing her body with her folded arms. She looked utterly ridiculous. Ralph directed all of it to me. I think he was afraid to look at Ursula.
“It was a head-on crash on the Olympic Hill. You know that lousy turn, so many accidents.”
“Are they …” Ursula had her fingers against her mouth.
“The car just doesn’t have any front left to it,” Ralph said. He was circling the point, but I didn’t mind. “No one could have lived through that. The front seat is pushed right into the back. We have to do all sorts of cutting to get the … to get them out.”
“Oh, my God.” Ursula took my arm. I just stared at Ralph.
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