Zombie Outbreak: Holy Sh*t
Simon Gatkuoth
©2014
All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or in any means – by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission...
I.
The Beginning of the End
I awoke to the sounds of sirens at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
What is going on? Are we having a tornado? I thought to myself.
I got out of bed and walked to the window of my studio apartment. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw outside. It looked like we were attacked. I saw smoke coming from buildings. Cars overturned and smashed. It looked like maybe a tornado did make an appearance. Now that I think about it, it also looked like the inside of my apartment. I needed to clean my place.
I gathered myself and quickly turned the TV on to see if there was any explanation for it. I switched to CNN and saw on the bottom of the screen zombie outbreak. I turned up the volume.
“That's right folks. Stay indoors, lock all doors, and do not open them unless you can understand whoever is knocking at you door. There is a zombie outbreak going on. We have no information on how it started or what caused it but we urge everyone to seek shelter fast. The president is dispatching the military to the mid-west region where this catastrophe is happening. This disaster was first reported in Garlan, IA and is seemingly spreading like a ripple effect. Find a safe place to be and do not go outdoors.”
This can't be happening. It must be a joke, but...
I heard a loud crash and jumped out of my seat like a cat and landed awkwardly like a new born giraffe. I quickly raced to the window. What I saw outside was a spectacle. People were being chased, attacked, and getting bitten. The dead have risen and were taking over the world.
Fuck this shit!
The news anchor said to stay indoors but I live on a dead-end street. That was not an ideal hideout. If the shit hit the fan, there would be only one way out and if the zombies blocked it, I would be like a fish out of water, screwed. Sure I could go on foot through the trees surrounding the area but who knows what was lurking there. I needed to get to my car at the end of the street before this area got littered with zombies and get the hell out of dodge. The news reporter said that it started here in the mid-west and is spreading so there are places that have not been hit yet. I needed to leave.
I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and car keys, and hightailed it out the door of my apartment as if it were on fire and ran down two flights of stairs. I opened the front entrance of the two-story building and standing outside beyond the screen door was one of the undead staring at me with dead eyes and scratching the screen.
I straight kicked the door and knocked the abomination backwards a few feet allowing me to open the door. I rapidly slipped out and made my way around its grasping hands. I skipped down the steps leading onto the property and turned back and saw the zombie moseying after me only to fall down the steps head first.
Ha! Serves you right, bitch!
It rose up. It moans as it slowly started to come after me. I raced down the street avoiding the zombies as well as everybody else. Survival of the fastest was the name of the game as far as I was concern. With the zombies moving half-speed compared to the normal individual, it was not a hard task for me to get by them.
I reached the driver side of my 1994 Ford Explorer and frantically tried to unlock it, failing miserably.
Calm the fuck down, man! You look like an epileptic trying to open a car door.
I sighed a deep breath to calm my nerves. I finally succeed in putting the key in the hole. I unlocked the car and jumped in. I keyed the ignition and the car starts without a problem. Hallelujah. It recently started dying on me at the wrong moments, not that there are right moments for a vehicle to stall but was I stoked it started. I just got it back from the shop just two days ago. On the radio the song It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine, is playing.
“What stupid radio station would play that song at a time like this? It may very well be the end of the world but no way in hell do I feel fine.” I said out loud as I turned it off. I put the pedal to the metal and zoom down the road.
II.
Vegas baby, Vegas!
Not really having much of a plan I decided to head to Las Vegas. If everything went to shit I wanted to be able to say that I at least had some fun. I had a decent amount in my savings account. Go to Vegas and blow a load then head to the Bunny Ranch miles outside Vegas and blow a different kind of load. Not a bad way to go. And if things do get better, it's the best place I can think of to hang out until this blows over. I came to an intersection heading south and made a right going west.
Vegas, here I come.
I approached another intersection. As I was about to cross some maniac going north almost rams into my car running through a red light.
What is it with apocalyptic events that make people act retarded?
I swerved to the right just in time to avoid him almost hitting a lamp post.
“Son of a BITCH!” I yelled.
I took a minute or two to compose myself. After calming down I started to back up the car and resume towards Vegas when I saw a hot chick running at my car. I was so mesmerized that I just stared at her like a deer in front of an 18-wheeler as she came closer. She looked to be in her early twenties with a rack like Penelope Cruz and an ass to match it wearing denim shorts and a low-cut white tank top and her brunette hair in pigtails.
She got to my passenger side door and frantically pulled the handle while furiously pounding the window. All the while I'm staring at her, dumbfounded. I finally snapped out of my daze.
What the hell!? This crazy chick is going to break my breakable car.
“Open the fucking door damn-it!” she demands.
“Maybe if you ask in a nice...” I began as she cuts me off shouting.
“Oh my god! I'm going to throat punch you. Are you going to be a douche while I'm out here with zombies who want to shred me to pieces?”
I answered. “Is that a rhetorical question?”
“Open this door right now or I'll put my fist through the window, ripped out your intestines, and strangle you with them!”
I let her in. What can I say, I love it when a woman talks dirty to me. I saw through her side window a zombie approaching us. She saw the undead and turns my way shouting.
“Drive you idiot, drive!”
I bolted out of there like I was Usain Bolt. After driving on the open road for about a mile I turned to her and said,
“So what's your name?”
She indignantly looked at me for a while before answering.
“It's Jessica. What's yours?”
“Sam,” I replied. “So what's your story besides going total psycho when the shit hits the fan?”
Wham! She hit me with a straight left which caused me to veer the car into the lanes going the opposite direction. Luckily there was no traffic. The car came to a stop.
“What the hell?!?” I screamed.
“You were being an asshole. I don't like assholes. Every time you act like one I will hit you.”
She was about 5'7” 160 lbs. but damn she could hit. Holy shit! I rubbed my sore ribs.
“You could've caused an accident you crazy bitch. What were you...”
WHAM!
“Ow. Stop that!”
“Don't call me a bitch. Ass!” she said.
“What, it's OK for you to call me names but I can't call you one?” I asked.
“Yes!” she answered. “Anyway where are we going?”
“I don't
know who we is but I'm heading to Vegas. Where am I dropping you off at?” I asked hoping it is some place within the next couple of miles.
“I'm sticking with you.”
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“I have nowhere else to go,” she said. “The world is ending. There is no way I'm letting you leave me here with those things out there. May as well go where you're going.”
“Damn it,” I said under my breath.
“Is there a problem?” she asked.
“Yes. You need to cool it with the violence.”
“Well you need to cool it with the assness,” she fired back.
“I don't even know what that means. Listen, if you're going to stick with me, you need to stop doing things that are going to make me kick you out of the car,” I said.
“And you need to stop saying things that are going to make me stick a foot up your ass!”
“Are you always this pleasant to be around? Because you're a real people person.”
“Oh and what else can you tell about me Dr. Phil? What else do you see when you look at me? What other judgments are you going to pass down? By the way, my eyes are on my face not my chest. Creep.”
“OK, see,” I began. “We need to stop being at each other's throats if we're going to be in this car together all the way to Vegas. Alright?”
“Fine,” she agreed.
I straighten out the car and continued on our westward journey. We drove over the Ronoko Bridge and a gas station was in sight at the end of the bridge. I looked at the meter and saw that we had a quarter of a gallon of gas. I decided that we might as well fill up now since we were near a gas station.
I turned to Jessica. “Hey, we're low on fuel so we're gonna make a pit stop at that gas station.”
“Alright, I need to eat something anyways. I'm hungry,” she replied.
I slowed down and made the right turn into the parking lot and pulled up to pump #3. I cut the engine and Jessica and I stepped out of the car.
III.
Screwed
As we walked towards the gas station I surveyed the area and everything seemed normal, with the exception that it felt deserted. I guessed the zombies haven't been over in this area yet. As we were about to enter the store we heard someone yelling.
We turned around to see some pudgy guy as he ran towards car with zombies about fifteen feet behind him. The guy wasn't the fastest person in the world but these zombies were considerably faster than the ones we've encountered so far.
The guy got to my car, opened the door, got in, and put the car in gear and took off as Jessica and I stood in horror.
“What the HELL!” I yelled.
“You... stupid... DONKEY!!!!!” Jessica screamed at me.
“Pardon?” I asked.
“I can't believe you left the keys in the car. Why would you do that? Are you totally retarded?”
“You bitch! How dare you...” I began and before I could finish.
POW! She struck me in the gut with a mean left hook. I crumbled to the ground as if crumbling to the ground was the coolest thing in the world. The way I was wheezing you would think that I had a bad case of asthma.
“Now what are we going to do. Huh?” she ranted. “No car and we have zombies coming our way. What's the plan now Einstein?”
“The plan is to let them eat you while I make my escape. If there ever has been a better plan, I've never heard it. What do you think?” I said weakly as I continue to catch my breath.
“My foot is going to go so far up your ass you're gonna be flossing with my shoelaces!”
Her face turned red with rage. She grabbed me and put me in a headlock. My face turned red with lack of oxygen.
“Could we finish our 'lovers' quarrel another time? I don't think the zombies will wait for us to resolve our issues before eating us.”
“What now?” she asked. She let go of me as the zombies were twenty yards away and approaching.
“The store,” I said as we both ran for the doors. They were locked.
IV.
Nerd!
The lights were on so there might have been someone inside. I pounded on the doors. BANG BANG BANG BANG!
“If someone is in there please open up!”
Suddenly half a head popped up from behind the chips shelf. It retracted as just as fast.
“Come on,” I pleaded. “We saw you. We know you're in there man, open up.”
Jessica pushed me aside. “Hey nerd-wad,” she shouted at the person inside. “Open these doors right now or I swear I'll break this glass door and give you so much hell you're gonna wish the zombies had gotten to you first.”
The guy inside gingerly got up and made his way to the doors. He stared at Jessica for a moment. Jessica pounded the doors.
“OPEN UP NOW!” she raged.
The guy, who was about 5'7” 150 lbs wearing spectacles and suspenders, jumped back. He recovered and quickly keyed the doors to let us in. He hurriedly locked them up just as fast after we were inside.
“Idiot!” Jessica shouted.
“Him or me,” I naively asked.
“Both of you,” she answered.
“It can't be,” the guy jumped in. “Idiot is singular so...”
“Shut up!” she cut him off. “Where's the bathroom.”
“Through there,” the guy pointed to the doors towards the back of the store as Jessica made her way there.
“Hey, my name is Joe,” he said.
“Hi, I'm Sam and that hell beast goes by the name Jessica.”
“I heard that,” Jessica yelled back at me. “Write down your will now 'cause you're dead when I get back.”
V.
The Plan
Jessica exited the restroom and grabbed a bag of chips as she made her way over to where we standing next to the check-out counter.
“So did you idiots come up with a plan to get out of this mess while I was gone or were you too busy jerking each other off?” she asked.
“No,” I answered. “I was just telling Joe here how I'm regretting letting you into my car. I should have just taken off and left you with those unholy things.”
“You're an ass. Anyways, what's the plan?” she asked.
“My dad is a military scientist...” Joe began.
“Oh wow! Fascinating! Let me guess, your mom is a neurosurgeon and your uncle is a chemist. Right?” Jessica sarcastically chimed in.
Joe turned and gave me the 'what's happening' look.
“Yeah, she's a pain in the ass. We should ditch her as soon as we get the chance.” I said.
Jessica approached me threateningly.
“Woman, would you stop your violent behavior? The guy is trying to tell you the plan for getting out of this mess. Calm down!” I said as I backed away from her.
“Fine, go on” she told Joe.
“My dad is a scientist and he works for the military. He works in a lab at the top of the observatory five miles from here. I talked to him earlier and he said that this zombie thing was a military experiment gone bad. They were trying to build super soldiers when something went wrong and poof, zombies. He told me to get to the lab. You guys can tag along if you want. We would have to hike up there though.”
“You don't have a car?” Jessica asked.
“No, I just turned sixteen a week ago. I don't even have a license yet,” replied Joe.
“If only our car wasn't stolen because some idiot left the keys in the car,” Jessica said.
“My car, not ours” I corrected her. “My car.”
“You work here by yourself?” Jessica asked Joe.
“No, the manager is always here on my shifts.”
“Where is he? Maybe he could give us a lift,” Jessica said.
“You see that zombie with the missing arm?” Joe pointed outside. “That's him.”
“Go on Jessica, go ask him if he could give us a ride,” I said.
“Shut up, ass!”
“What time is it, it's getting dark
out there,” I asked.
“It's 8:30. We'll have to go first thing in the morning,” Joe replied.
“Are your sure the zombies can't break that door?” Jessica asked.
“Positive. It's pretty strong. They would have to have like a rock or hammer or something but they can't break it with their fists and zombies aren't intelligent enough to do that so we're safe in here.”
VI.
Knock, knock!
We camped out behind the counter for the night with makeshift weapons within reaching distance in case we should need them right away. Early in the morning before the sun rose I awoke to a tapping sound. I slowly sat up and stretched. I saw that Jessica and Joe were still asleep.
I got up and looked towards the door where the sound seemed to have emanated from. I saw a frantic person furiously banging at the hard glass window with a pick ax while simultaneously hammering any zombies that grabbed hold of him.
“Oh no. Guys, wake up! We have trouble,” I said nudging the other two as they slowly got up.
“What's your problem, ass?” said Jessica.
“That's my problem,” I pointed at the door.
“Holy shit on a crap stick. Hey shithead, you break down that door and I'll break your face. Stop that!” Jessica shouted.
“Please help me, open up,” said the man.
“We can't. Unless you can get the zombies away from the door and allow us room to open it and let you in without letting the zombies, we cannot open the door,” Jessica told the man.
“We have to help him,” Joe chimed in as he made his way to the door.
Jessica grabbed him by the collar.
“Are you stupid?” she asked.
“Are you always on your period?” Joe countered.
Wham! Jessica kneed him in the groin.
“Why would you...” and before Joe could finish his sentence the glass broke.
The man frantically squeezed through the open he had made with his ax. Some zombies started squeezing through as well while the rest were pounding the glass on the verge of breaking it all down.
Zombie Outbreak: Holy Sh*t! Page 1
